Harry Potter Humor
Monday, January 16, 2006
4:16PM
Job Application
If Ron Weasley were to turn in a job application to McDonald's...
NAME - Ron Weasley (I made sure my quill spell-check was working right, haha!)
DESIRED POSITION - Maybe the person who uses all that elatisty lights stuff. You know, I could be the person who makes everything bright.
DESIRED SALARY - Er. More galleons than my dad, if you could.
EDUCATION - Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - not finished.
LAST POSITION HELD - Sidekick to Harry Potter.
SALARY - Salary of bruises, flying brains, cuts, and witticism.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - I created a broom that flies to Jupiter. Well, no actually. My most notable achievement was that I gave Harry the perfect amount of radish powder, enabling him to blind key Death Eaters at pivotal moments.
REASON FOR LEAVING - Er... I often feared for my life.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Dunno.
PREFERRED HOURS - Would four or five hours per week be enough?
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? I make jokes that come true, even if they almost killed me a couple of times... I also play Keeper so I'm good at blocking things I reckon... Like if you were to throw food at me, maybe. Is that the sort of thing you do here?
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? Well sure. He's applying here, too, though.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? No. I'm good at Levitation spells.
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I did once. But I flew it into a tree. The tree nearly killed us, you know!
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? Yeah, I received an award for special services, and a friend told me that if I had finished Hogwarts, I would have been voted "Best Sidekick."
DO YOU SMOKE? Er, I suppose I could if you wanted me to...
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? I'd like to have more ambition in five years, maybe.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Well yeah.
SIGN HERE: Roonil Wazlib
chipper4:14PM
Warning!
Bad grammar and plain dumbness alert! You could very easily lose a few brain cells from this entry.
Basics & Appearance:
• Full Name: Hyacinth Erena Kelp
• Nicknames: Yacy, but like, she thinks it's wierd.
• Age & Birth date: 14 Janary 12th, 1991
• Eye color: Blue
• Hair color & style: She has short and very curly squiggly hair. Like Shirley Temple I think
• Skin tone: Regular
• Height, aprox. weight/body shape: she's 5'11" 105 pds
• Other appearance: she has three red frackles on her face that glow when they get in the sun. Like, she doesn't know what to do about that. her mom thinks she has cancer.
Family, pets, & Lineage:
• Parents: She has a mom and dad.
• Parents’ Occupations, if employed: They both work
• Siblings, if any: She has three older sisters
• Other known blood relatives, if any: I forget what blood relatives mean. She has relatives though.
• Pets, if any: She has three fish but she hopes they don't explode like her other fish have.
Magical information:
• Patronus form and if they can perform one: Her patonus would be a flying squirrel (i heard about them the other day, there so neat!)
• Boggart: Bogart would be a snake with brown eyes and blue wings that says "i'm going to get you!"
• Animagus form and if they are trained: Crocdile but don't plan to do it until there 33
• Wand core & wood: oakish with white streaks in it.
• Hogwarts house & year (if applicable): gryfindor and she's 3rd year, i think
• Favorite school subjects: Divination, except when her teacher told her that her fish would explode again
• Best school subjects: she's good at Charms
• Worst school subjects: she's bad at Potion's
Other information:
• “Good” personality traits: She doesn't like pick her nose or anything. and she's sort of funny.
• “Bad” personality traits: She squints at people. She also closes her eyes when there talking at her. sometimes she hums.
• Likes: She likes walking on bridges that are rickety. She also like throwing rocks at people, but runs if they hit someone. she usually doesn't hit anyone with them. She's not very good at it.
• Dislikes: She doesn't like it when she bangs her head on something. Like, she's afrid of walking underneath something in case it falls on her. Like, she hates those hosted tv's
• Other information: She has an extra finger on her hand. She also is left handed. She once danced on a stage and slipped on a pin and everyone laughed at her. She didn't like that. She is in love with Harry Potter, who is her Divination teacher, but doesn't want her fish to explode.
chipper3:58PM
Here's how it works. You take a regular quote from the canon of Harry Potter and add, "in my pants." (Note: I don't own any of this.)
I dare you to try it!!! Tis EASY (not to mention hilarious).
-"She reckons it's sweet in my pants."
-"And you've been letting me mime everything in my pants all day!"
-"Mad-Eye Moody? Isn't he that nutter in my pants?"
-"Dumbledore's not what you would call normal though, is he? I mean, I know he's a genius in my pants and everything..."
-"There are house-elves in my pants?"
-"Follow me in my pants, please. First years in front...no pushing..."
-"You know, maybe I should try and get some of those villagers in my pants."
-"I don't know who Maxime thinks she's kidding. If Hagrid's half-giant, she definately is. Big bones... the only thing that's got bigger bones than her is in my pants."
-"Well, I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night," said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. "What do you think that means?" "Probably that you're going to be eaten in your pants or something," said Harry, turning the pages of The Dream Oracle without interest."
-"Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes... like fat little Santa Clauses in my pants..."
-"...from now on, I don't care if my tea leaves spell die, Ron, die, I'm chucking them in my pants where they belong."
-"Longbottom, if brains were gold you'd be in my pants, and that's saying something."
-"Azkaban- the wizard's prison, Goyle. Honestly, if you were any slower, you'd be in my pants."
-"Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is in my pants."
-"We tried to shut him in our pants, but Mum spotted us."
-"Fascinating though your social life undoubtedly is, Miss Granger,I must ask you not to discuss it in my pants. Ten points from Gryffindor."
-"You have a habit of turning up in my pants, Potter, and you are very rarely there for no good reason."
chipperFriday, December 30, 2005
10:12PM - A Vigil for Harry/Hermione Ship
(Originally posted in my LJ back in July)
Let us all remember the hope we held in our hearts that one day, Harry and Hermione would soon realize their great love for each other. Let us all take solace in our memories of stories that could have been canon, of icons that brought smiles to our faces.
It's all gone now.
We must gather together in our grief and be strong for each other. We must press on, dissecting the hoards of people who believe that Ron could ever be perfect for Hermione. We must hold our heads high, basking in the knowledge that we were right, even though our predictions were never realized.
Let's light a candle.
In its flame, we see the fire that Harry held for Hermione. We see how he had always pined for her, ached for her. We see what even the great creator did not. Ah yes... We see.
We see for we have transcended the great creator, JK Rowling. She herself could not see how perfect Harry and Hermione blend together. Instead, she has been blinded by the crimson haze that surrounded the... "Ron boy." She had been bewitched by her own tale, spinning a tale that could never be realized. It simply couldn't.
We tried to save the great creator... Tried to plead with her to recognize her horrible mistake. Alas, her befuddlement led her to mock those who saw the greatest pairing in literature.
And so we are persecuted. "Delusional," we're called. Spit upon by the millions of confused readers.
But we will not be swayed. Truth is never swayed.
So now we grieve for our loss, though Harry and Hermione will never leave our hearts. We grieve for those who will never understand true love. We grieve for literature, for it will never again tantalize us.
Today, we bury the Harry and Hermione ship. We put it to rest, holding it forever in our hearts.
Rest In Peace, Harry/Hermione.
Bollocks to you if you took me seriously.
10:10PM
Character profile of a completely ridiculous original character to be used in fan fiction.
Basics & Appearance:
• Full Name: Alarna Ferddie Waspoloio
• Nicknames: Wasp
• Age & Birth date: Febuary 30th, 1992
• Eye color: Pale green, so pale that they look white and freaky, like those albin's peeple.
• Hair color & style: She has flowy hair with straight parts that brush up aginst peeple's faces and tickle them and make them sneeze.
• Skin tone: Tone means music right? Her skin doesn't make any noise, except when she bends over. She squeaks sometimes then.
• Height, aprox. weight/body shape: She's five feet, fourty centimeters. She's thin, no matter what. Like I'm gellous. Like, if I eat as much raw meat as she eats, I'd be like, five pds overwait.
• Other appearance: Her cheeks have glowing about them. Like, peeple see her and think she's all fairy like.
Family, pets, & Lineage:
• Parents: Her dad works with staples. Like, if she's bad, he staples her. Her mom doesn't like it though. her mom works in the kleenex business and is stuffy.
• Parents’ Occupations, if employed: Er, they're occupied most times.
• Siblings, if any: She has four older brothers who are all bad and icky, six older sisters who let her ware there clothes, but she messes them up because she's short.
• Other known blood relatives, if any: One of her cousins is O positive like her.
• Pets, if any: She used to watch a squirl outside her house. He was like a pet, except that he would run away if she tried to chase him and sometimes threw acerns at her.
Magical information:
• Patronus form and if they can perform one: Her patrons would be a lockness monster. She's scared of it though.
• Boggart: Her boggart would be paper and pencils with staples. Like, she hates them.
• Animagus form and if they are trained: she tunred into a pig when she was six and never did it again because her brother cut off her ear and cooked it. So like, now she doesn't have an ear.
• Wand core & wood: Black and really long. Hair sticks out of it.
• Hogwarts house & year (if applicable): gryfnidore and she's a seventh year.
• Favorite school subjects: astonomy because she likes saying bad words.
• Best school subjects: she's not really good at anything. Like, she can do things, but she's weord.
• Worst school subjects: She is bad at transfargation.
Other information:
• “Good” personality traits: She will dance on her tippy toes and she'll give her freinds piggy back rides. But not as a pig. She dosen't want to lose her other ear. It's just a figure speech. She also needs some freinds before she can give them rides. And they can't be heavier than her. Like, her back hurts.
• “Bad” personality traits: She will puff her cheeks at fish in a pond. Like, I don't think it's nice to make fun of fish. They can't even close there eyes. I tried keeping my eyes open for a long time. It hurt. I don't know how they do it. She also isn't nice about putting her underwear away. Like, she hangs it on her door.
• Likes: She likes hopping on 1 foot. But if she does it for too long, she'll get all droopy because her boobs are big. Big like melons. So when she hops, she flops.
• Dislikes: She doesn't like spots. Like they give her the shiveries. So she dosen't like old people because they have those liver spot things. Why do they call them liver spots? Is it from eating to much chicken liver? I never eat that, so I hope I don't become all livery.
• Other information: She once got a nosebleed when a tree poked her up the nose. So she dosen't like being close to trees. She also got a bee in her ear. It was the one that was cut off by her brother and she couldn't hear it coming. It went into her ear and made her go all "Help me Im getting a bee in my ear and I dont like it."