Terrible podfic of the wonderful fic 'Slight Miscalculation<\/a>' by Devera.
Assassin's Creed, Shaun\/Desmond, NC-17, DEFINITELY NSFW. You were warned. XD
I promised this to the Skype AssCreed chat I hang out in, and I had to do it in one go with only stopping for major screw ups because it was tonight or NEVER, and my laptop makes clicky noises and has a dumb whirring fan, so I'm sure this sucks horribly. I HAD FUN DOING IT THOUGH, AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, RIGHT?
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/156104.html?view=comments#comments","category":["forgive me fandom for i have sinned","assassin's creed","podfic is made of epic win"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155488.html","pubDate":"Fri, 21 Dec 2012 02:24:13 GMT","title":"YAAAAAY","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155488.html","description":"I got my Aarin Fantasy Secret Santa fic in on time.
Now to nervously await my gift of Yu\/Yosuke fanart and also panic over whether my giftee will like my fic.
*Wibbles*
At least I got to write a Persona fic, though it was my first time writing the pairing it was... Eep.
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155488.html?view=comments#comments","category":["p4","up","af"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155349.html","pubDate":"Thu, 06 Dec 2012 18:45:05 GMT","title":"\u4ffa\u306f\u3001\u305d\u3093\u306a\u304a\u524d\u304c\u597d\u304d\u3067\u3001\u81ea\u6162\u3067\u30fb\u30fb\u30fb\u3051\u3069\u540c\u6642\u306b\u3001\u3046\u3089\u3084\u307e\u3057\u304b\u3063\u305f\u307f\u305f\u3044\u3060\u30fb\u30fb\u30fb","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155349.html","description":"...Don't mind the post title. Just being nerdy. It's Persona 4 game dialogue in Japanese, and mostly unrelated. XDDD
So it's come to my attention that aside from a few fandom posts from a new fandom that most of you don't share with me, I appear to have died. XDDD I AM HERE TO SAY I AM ALIVE AND WELL.
...And belatedly announce that I won first place in the longfic category of the Moments of Rapture contest, and I bought some raw Fairy Tail manga with my winnings! I announced it in a bunch of other places but when Ladylark told me she didn't know I won, I realized I announced it everywhere but here, haha.
I wrote Drawing Lines<\/a>, weighing in at a touch over 57K, officially making it the longest fic I have ever<\/i> written. And oh how much longer it was meant to be. I squeaked it in at the last minute, rushing the ending that came well before it was ready to - my hope is to someday overhaul this into the fic it was meant to be, which would be probably twice as long, haha. This fic was both written for MoR and also for Merith, who provided the original idea waaaay back in like 2007 - a yaoi_challenge prompt that is finally finished, so many years later.
Jacks is going to be two January fifth. ...So there's that. <333
As I'm sure everyone can tell, though I'm not new to Persona games, I am new to Persona fandom, and off I launch on another fandom adventure. DON'T WORRY, HIKAGO KIDS, I'M NOT LEAVING.
Ummmm... part of the reason I haven't been posting much is because I have the Hikago chat<\/a>, where I do most of my flailing\/squeeing\/fandoming these days. I have Ver and Liz and Very practically around the clock, people I am comfortable with, people who know me well enough to know when I'm doing great and when I'm faking it so hard it hurts, and people I can't even imagine my life without. Seriously, this year has been the very best to me in terms of friends.
Last month, for my birthday, Tiara got me the Magic Manga Tarot<\/a>, which I LOVE. Very bought me a raw copy of The Magician - a P4 Manga about Yosuke - and also sent me Final Fantasy: Advent Children Complete on BluRay and two packs of Hikago trading cards! I LITERALLY COULD NOT BE LUCKIER IN TERMS OF HOW AMAZING MY FRIENDS ARE, IT IS NOT POSSIBLE.
So, so much planned fandom-wise. I'm working on a sekrit project right now, and I'm also working on A ZILLION AND A HALF FICS. I've been bouncing around a lot so I have tens of thousands of words waiting for me to finish something and put it out there, heh.
Also, I'm sure there isn't a Hikago kid left in fandom who doesn't know, but when I did the Hikago Deathmatch, I was Fandom Triforce's Horizontal Tsuke. :D<\/a>
Oh man, I know I'm forgetting like 75864895674 things. I'll try to be more update-y in the future, since GOD KNOWS I LOVE TO TALK. XDDD<\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155349.html?view=comments#comments","category":["geekiness","tiara","p4","i have the best friends ever","gratuitous japanese text","my gummy bear","gw","i am alive!","fandom"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155125.html","pubDate":"Mon, 03 Dec 2012 22:19:54 GMT","title":"Why Do You Use Yu and Not Souji?","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155125.html","description":"This is a question I've gotten a number of times, so I may as well write out my admittedly complicated feelings on this matter.
Maybe some back story is in order here. Feel free to skip this post. I am long-winded, as usual. XD
I got into the Persona series a little late in the game - my first Persona game was Persona 3. I was given it the year it came out for Christmas by a friend who had already beaten it and no longer wanted it. He gave me the art book and the soundtrack - which gets a lot of play in my car, heh. Before even this though, another friend of mine who I knew though some video game forums I adminned at, insisted it was for me, that I had to play it, and since he ended up being the editor of the official Double Jump Books Persona 3 guide, he sent me a copy that he signed, heh, and more insisting that I have to play it written inside the cover.
Now, even though I am a known animanga fan, I didn't find the P3 (or the P4) manga until fairly recently. So, in my mind, the protagonists have always just been 'MC'. Though I ran video game forums, I wasn't actually in gaming fandom. I was in animanga fandom, and I've always been a pretty dedicated fan, so I stuck to a couple and never really fandom hopped. I ran one Final Fantasy forum and one general RPG forum, but especially on the latter, we focused on ORPG games, because we were total nerds, heh. Text-RP was our thing.
Fast forward to playing Persona 4, nothing to note there. Then my friends started making noise about a Persona 4 anime that was airing. I watched the first episode and made a note to come back to it later. It wasn't until just recently, when I was rec'd the Giant Bomb P4 ER and started to consume some of the anime that I got the name Yu. (I haven't finished the anime... I should probably do that...)
So I got used to calling him Yu, and Charlie, and even with one friend, Toast, heh. Eventually, I wandered into fandom and discovered the name Souji. When I asked my friend what I should use, she said Yu, so I went with that.
Seriously, that's all the thought that went into it. Of course, I've thought about it a lot more now, and since the most recent canon uses Yu, that's what I stick with. It's mostly arbitrary.
Really, Lish? Yes, really.
But the fandom prefers Souji! Why don't you switch then?
Great question! Well, that's also a little complicated. It's part consistency - I started with Yu and that's what I'm going to use. It's part acknowledging recent canon. And it's partly that I shouldn't have to change it just because person X doesn't like it.
Now on to my thoughts about the names themselves. I've seen a whole lot of fighting over names, name meanings, which name was here first - I have pretty much zero interest in this kind of fighting. It's not really productive. I happen to like both names, myself, and at least in my mental dialogue, tend to switch between the two, probably because I've read so many fics.
Meaning-wise, I think Narukami is really fitting, considering the source material. But I really like the way Souji sounds on the tongue - it's really very pleasing to say. If only Souji Narukami didn't sound ridiculous, heh.
Aesthetically speaking, I think \u9cf4\u4e0a\u60a0 (Narukami Yuu) looks prettier than \u702c\u591a\u7dcf\u53f8 (Seta Souji). Which, in the long run is pretty meaningless, but that's what I think, heh.
Also, I think Souji is better for sex scenes. (Weird thought, but there you have it.) \"Sou... ji...\" looks so nice. XD
So in the long run, names? I don't care. Yu, Souji, Charlie, P4MC, Toast, whatever. It all boils down to the same thing - I love the main character of Persona 4, in all his bowl cut glory.
Did you just waste precious minutes of your life reading this post? If you did, I'm sorry, since my opinion could have been summed up with an I don't care. But now you know all my thoughts! Horray, or something.<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/155125.html?view=comments#comments","category":"p4"},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154779.html","pubDate":"Tue, 13 Nov 2012 17:56:21 GMT","title":"Things I Couldn't Say [P4, Yosuke\/Yu FST]","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154779.html","description":"I was going to wait to post this until I had my thoughts all nice and organized for the overall comments on this FST, and then... well. I ended up sitting on it for weeks, all my song commentary done and the FST itself burned eternally into my memory, and still, all I can really come up with is OH DEAR GOD I LOVE YOSUKE, which really isn't helpful. ...Oh well. This is what I imagine Yosuke put together and, late one night when he was tired and anxious and tied in knots, he finally found it in himself to push send on the email to Yu he swore he'd never send, and then he spends the rest of his night, and morning, and afternoon, and so on, PANICKING.
Thanks to Ver for making me some quick cover art, since I don't have Photoshop right now. Thanks also to Very for her constant love and hand-holding. <3
So, here we go.
EDIT: Mediafire regularly pulls this down, so just let me know, and I will reupload and change the links for you. :D
from: Yosuke Hanamura magiciansthrowdown@gmail.com
to: Yu Narukami <personaswild@gmail.com>
date: Wed, March 28, 2012 at 3:47AM
subject: Partner
http:\/\/www.mediafire.com\/?9nwcjrrkn9qsvfb<\/a>
Things I Couldn't Say -> Download
Download complete.
Open containing folder -> Select tracks -> Add to Windows Media Player list
Play.
Track List and Commentary:
If you prefer to listen only and not download, click here<\/a> for an online playlist, instead.
1. Burn the Night Away \u2013 There for Tomorrow
This FST took longer than it needed to, and that\u2019s because I couldn\u2019t stop myself from putting this on repeat. It\u2019s such a beautiful song. I knew almost instantly that this had to be my opener. This has a \u2018right before Yu leaves\u2019 feel to it, so it definitely works best here.
2. Be My Escape (Acoustic) \u2013 Relient K
I didn\u2019t know I liked Relient K before I discovered this song for the FST. I know now \u2013 I like them so much they are the only band that makes two appearances in the mix. This song really holds all of Yosuke\u2019s wishes that Yu could take him with him, and also some undertones pertaining to being stuck in Inaba, probably expected to follow in his father\u2019s footsteps at Junes, which, in my mind, at least, is the last thing he wants to do. But with his poor grades and no real prospects to leave, without someone to take him away from there, he\u2019s probably going to be stuck there for the rest of his life. Which is pretty much the saddest thing ever.
3. Beauty in the Breakdown (Acoustic) \u2013 The Scene Aesthetic
\u201cAnd I\u2019d write to you and tell you how you\u2019ve always been so special to me.\u201d This line was practically written for Yosuke. This is a combination of what Yosuke wants and what he misses \u2013 it\u2019s just a little selfish, with the line \u201clive your life a little for me\u201d, which is fitting for Yosuke \u2013 he wants to be special, and to be special to someone who is special to him is a dream come true for him.
4. Endlessly \u2013 Muse
The culmination of Yosuke\u2019s feelings, plain and simple.
5. Memory \u2013 Sugarcult
Riding right on the heels of the depth of Yosuke\u2019s feelings inevitably comes his insecurities. \u201cThis may never start\/I\u2019ll tear us apart\u201d really highlights his fears, and yet, he still wants Yu to come back, can\u2019t help it, and maybe in a fit of self-depreciation, he wants to at least merit being a memory worth keeping.
6. The Last Song Ever \u2013 Secondhand Serenade
This is a mix of a few fears \u2013 Yosuke\u2019s fear that he\u2019s shut Yu out with his homophobia (\u201cI shot you down and slammed the door\u201d), his fear that this will end badly and thus doesn\u2019t want to find out (\u201cI wish my life was this song\/'cause songs they never die\/I could write for years and years\/And never have to cry\u201d) and the fear that Yu is already tangled up in someone else (\u201cDoes she love you, that\u2019s worth knowing\u201d). There\u2019s a bunch of vague feelings, too, that I can\u2019t really put into words \u2013 a complicated jumble that\u2019s all Yosuke.
7. Three Cheers for Five Years \u2013 Mayday Parade
This originally was placed much closer to the beginning, but got bumped, for, uh, some reason. God, what can I say here besides ouch. As beautiful as this song is, it has a bit of a nastier undercurrent \u2013 this holds some of the hurt and anger Yosuke feels over Yu leaving. Other than that, well, it speaks pretty well for itself, I think.
8. The Only Song \u2013 Sherwood
\u201cHey, let\u2019s write the story again\/Where I\u2019m your lover and best friend.\u201d That about sums it up.
9. Try Again \u2013 Keane
Yosuke is just so lost without Yu.
10. The Territory is the Map \u2013 The Decoration
The start of a mini fun with titles series, ending at No Sunlight. This particular song is all about how lost Yosuke feels, and how highly he regards Yu, and how those things clash so hard for him. I can\u2019t find lyrics for this no matter how hard I try, so if you\u2019re playing along by looking up lyrics, sorry, I don\u2019t have them either.
11. Is There a Way Out \u2013 The Get Up Kids
More of Yosuke\u2019s insecurities.
12. When We Escape \u2013 Minus the Bear
\u201cYou must be an illusion.\u201d Thoughts and feelings of Yosuke\u2019s.
13. No Sunlight \u2013 Death cab for Cutie
The last in the fun with titles series. The evolution of Yosuke\u2019s feelings.
14. Only One \u2013 Yellowcard
I almost axed this one, but I couldn\u2019t bring myself to do it. This is the song I imagine Yosuke had playing in his headphones on repeat when Yu left. \u201cHere I go, so dishonestly\/leave a note for you, my only one.\u201d This email, heh. This song covers everything Yosuke feels the moment Yu gets on the train.
15. Who I Am Hates Who I\u2019ve Been (Acoustic) \u2013 Relient K
The second appearance of Relient K, and I\u2019m hoping you\u2019ll understand why it was impossible for me to get rid of this song. This song is so Yosuke, it hurts. \u201cThis is no place to try and live my life.\u201d The Junes theme makes a reappearance for me with this line. There are a lot of recurrent themes all rolled up into this song. \u201cStop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.\/See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.\/Stop right there. Well I never should have said\/That it's the very moment that\/I wish that I could take back.\u201d For me, this is very much a revisiting of his overtly homophobic comments that covered his own fear of his homosexual feelings. \u201cI talk to absolutely no one.\/Couldn't keep to myself enough.\/And the things bottled inside have finally begun\/To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.\u201d This is all about Yosuke\u2019s lack of friends and his inability to open up fully to anyone other than Yu \u2013 even though he now has new, and his first real, friends. I really feel that though all the songs were chosen carefully, this is the one song where not one bit of the lyrics are wasted one iota. This is definitely going on the books as one of my top songs for Yosuke.
16. MakeDamnSure \u2013 Taking Back Sunday
This song went on the chopping block like ten times. I\u2019m not particularly fond of Taking Back Sunday on the whole, and this is also the most situationally abstract of the songs on this mix, as the lyrics can\u2019t really be applied as directly as most of the others. And yet\u2026 this stayed when other songs went. This song just screams Yosuke\u2019s painful determination, and in the end, I couldn\u2019t shake it from the mix.
17. Weird Fishes\/Arpeggi \u2013 Radiohead
Okay, I\u2019ll be the first to admit that this might be a little bit of a weird choice. But I still feel it\u2019s very appropriate. The idea here was that there are two possible outcomes to Yosuke\u2019s feelings for Yu. This is the first, and as Yosuke sees it, less likely, of the two, which is why it comes before the closing song. This is a really abstract and metaphorical song towards the end, but basically, the idea I get here is that this is Yosuke\u2019s chance to escape, escape Inaba and Junes and a life without Yu, and there\u2019s so much he has to go through, so many obstacles and people who will try to hold him back, but in the end, he manages to escape, presumably to be with Yu and live the life he wants to lead, instead of the life he was forced into where he has to try so hard to be someone he\u2019s not and he\u2019s afraid of what people think of him and what it means, both to him and to his father\u2019s company, if he were to be with another man. This is the \u2018even if you pull the flesh from my body, I will escape and find happiness\u2019 ending \u2013 the ending Yosuke does not, or maybe cannot, believe in. He feels too stuck, too sad, too much at a loss to truly find that kind of hope within himself. Yes, I know, my concept of Yosuke is infinitely sad.
18. Call it Karma (Acoustic) \u2013 Silverstein
I agonized over placement of all the songs except the first and the last. This is the other song I pretty much instantly knew its place in this mix. This song just breaks my heart into little tiny pieces. \u201cGoodbye, old friend\/Goodbye, goodnight\/I'll move on\/You'll call it fate, I'll call it karma\/We had our time, it was fun\/while it lasted.\u201d This is really the heart of this song for me, and indeed, of Yosuke himself. If we see anything of Yosuke in the game, we see how much he internalizes everything truly important to him, how when he opens up to Yu, it\u2019s his first time ever doing so, and everything just overflows out of him until he\u2019s so overcome by the emotions he\u2019s been hiding, he\u2019s crying like a small child. On top of that, we know that even Yosuke<\/i> thinks he\u2019s annoying, which we see during his Shadow fight \u2013 he knows everyone hates him, and he thinks he deserves it<\/i>. Thinks they have a good reason to feel that way. Of course<\/i> Yosuke could never accept that fate has taken Yu away from him. It\u2019s karma<\/i>. He doesn\u2019t deserve<\/i> to keep this amazing best friend. Is, in fact, lucky to have ever had him at all. And then the ending of this song, classic Yosuke, reassuring Yu, don\u2019t feel bad, it\u2019s okay, everything is fine. It\u2019s not fine. But that\u2019s not what he wants to leave Yu with. He pulls out a virtual smile and tries to paint over the pain.
And I really hate to leave it on that note, but there you have it. A ridiculously sad mix from a ridiculously sad character. Good thing Yu will be replying\u2026 look forward to that.<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154779.html?view=comments#comments","category":["p4","fst"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154429.html","pubDate":"Tue, 13 Nov 2012 06:45:27 GMT","title":"Burn the Night Away [Persona 4, Yu\/Yosuke, NC-17]","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154429.html","description":"Title: Burn the Night Away
Author:
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Yosuke\/Yu
Summary: Yosuke thinks of Yu when he masturbates and figures out a whole lot about his feelings. Cue awkward romantic feelings conversation with Yu via phone.
Notes: This was supposed to be short and kind of sad. It ended up being neither. Oops.
Burn the Night Away<\/b>
Yosuke comes back to himself around ten. While he was staring off into space, his playlist has looped back around to the beginning, and he lets the beat of the music reorient him.
He should probably lay down, and he gives his bed a half-hearted glance before continuing his staring at nothing. He has school in the morning, but it\u2019s not like he\u2019s not used to staying up late, even if there is no longer a reason to be up at midnight.
His chair isn\u2019t particularly comfortable, but rather than move, he just shifts around a little, grabbing for his phone. All he has to do is push the button on the side to confirm the fact that he doesn\u2019t have any messages, but he flips it open anyway and pulls up his text messages. There are a few threads there, but by far the longest is the one for Partner, racked up to one hundred thirteen messages Yosuke hasn\u2019t yet brought himself to delete.
He doesn\u2019t delete them now; just sends a Night<\/i> out into digital space and tries to pretend he\u2019s not hoping for a response.
He doesn\u2019t have to wait long.
That would be the time of day, yes.<\/i>
Yosuke snorts. Figures Yu would respond like that. Smartass.<\/i>
It\u2019s better than being a dumbass.<\/i>
His beginnings of a grin take over his whole face as he tap tap taps the keys. Hey wait, are you calling me a dumbass?<\/i>
Your poor grades aside, you\u2019d have to be dumb to be a dumbass. You\u2019re just an ass.<\/i>
I guess that\u2019s fair.<\/i> Then, right on its heels, Wait! Scratch that! I\u2019m not an ass!<\/i>
No takebacks.<\/i>
Man, what are we, five?<\/i>
I\u2019m pretty big for a five year old.<\/i>
Oh man, you just left yourself wide open for like eighty dirty jokes.<\/i>
And yet you offer none. I don\u2019t know whether to be disappointed or proud.<\/i>
Hey! You wound me!<\/i>
Want me to kiss it and make it better?<\/i>
Yosuke\u2019s heart skips a beat, but he keeps his hands steady as he types out, What, are you my mom now?<\/i>
I hope not. Otherwise this conversation is pretty inappropriate.<\/i>
You\u2019re telling me.<\/i>
I miss you.<\/i>
Yosuke can\u2019t quite stop the tremor that laces down his arms and into his fingers. He takes a deep breath and locks the message before replying, Yeah, same here, partner. You have no idea.<\/i>
I\u2019ll try to come visit soon, okay?<\/i>
Yosuke doesn\u2019t say, Want to come as my boyfriend?<\/i>
He stares at his phone for a few minutes before typing in, Yeah, I\u2019m looking forward to it.<\/i>
Goodnight, Yosuke.<\/i>
Yosuke brings them full cycle with a, Night<\/i>.
He stares at his silent phone for long moments before numbly putting it back on the desk.
He loves talking to Yu. After all the time spent apart, after all the would\u2019ve should\u2019ve could\u2019ves that never seem to cease running in circles through his head, for a brief moment, talking to Yu is everything it always had been. All the happiness, and the excitement, all the much, much more confusing feelings swirling around in his chest, and then it ends, and the crushing weight of his absence seems heavier, somehow, like every reprieve brings that much more of a struggle when it\u2019s over again.
Yosuke glances at his bed again, wondering if he can ignore the sudden tightness of his pants, or if he should take care of it, or hell, if he should move to the bed and then<\/i> take care of it. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and reminds himself that he should not be hard, let alone masturbating, to thoughts of his best friend.
Then he unzips his pants.
He maneuvers for a few obnoxious moments to get his pants down his hips far enough before he sighs and just stands up, letting them drop so he can step out of them before he sits back down. The coarse material digs into his ass, and he leans back in his chair and scoots to the very edge of the seat so that he\u2019s almost completely hanging off, only the absolutely necessary amount of skin touching the fabric.
He feels pretty awkward, his lanky form making it so that even with the extra room behind him, his shoulders are hanging over the back of the chair. He starts to wonder if Yu would think it was hot, but he cuts that thought short with a puff of air that isn\u2019t quite a laugh, pushing a hand inside his shirt to run his fingers over his ribs, counting them with ease. Yeah, real sexy there, Hanamura.
Sexy or not, his erection is bobbing slightly in the open air, and it\u2019s pretty embarrassing but even self-depreciating thoughts concerning Yu are still thoughts about Yu, and as his cock twitches his thoughts head back in the right direction.
He rubs his thighs a little, the awkward position already tensing his legs, so he pulls one socked foot up to prop against the desk. That feels a little better, and he lets one finger draw little circles on his bony hip and fumbles for his music player with the other, zeroing in on the song he wants and blindly hitting repeat. He cranks up the volume, brushing his knuckles against his length. He lets out a soft gasp he can feel but not hear, his other hand creeping up under his shirt to skim over the flexing muscles there.
Yosuke knows he\u2019s needy when it comes to this, and that\u2019s probably annoying when with someone else, but he\u2019s not, so after a lip-biting moment he pauses to rip off his shirt.
He likes to be touched. Or at least, he\u2019s pretty sure he\u2019d like to be touched if he could ever manage to get himself in the position to be. As it is, he likes to touch himself in so many more places than the essential ones, and now that his shirt is gone, his free hand coasts up his body, wrapping up around his neck to tangle in the short hairs at the base of his skull, his other hand palming his cock lightly, not really doing much other than letting him feel it there.
His already half-lidded eyes slide the rest of the way closed and he pictures Yu. Nothing compromising, not just yet, just Yu, smiling at him, laughing with him, mumbling answers for him in class. Memories, rather than fantasies. His fingers twitch against his length, and he squeezes, once, his other hand skating down his torso and stopping to toy with his navel.
What would Yu do? It\u2019s a question he asks himself an embarrassing number of times throughout the day, but this is different. This isn\u2019t a problem he needs to solve, or a friend to console. In this, Yosuke has no idea how his partner would proceed. Even the thought of it is illicit and exciting, sending sparks through his body.
He lets his memories of Yu turn decidedly more fiction than fact. He feels silly, but tries to imagine what it would feel like if Yu was touching him. Would he linger, like Yosuke tends to? Or would he be firmer, more direct, confidently gripping Yosuke\u2019s cock while his other hand grasps at his hip, his tongue running over Yosuke\u2019s bottom lip?
Yosuke can feel himself flush when his tongue pokes out, swiping across his bottom lip in Yu\u2019s absence. Still, it shoots straight to his groin, and he can\u2019t help but groan at his mental image of Yu, face flushed and eyes intense, almost like they\u2019d just been fighting inside the TV, except that the look is all for him.
He wants it. He wants it so bad he can taste it on his lips, can feel it as his hand finally starts working over his length, adjusting several times as he tries to imagine how Yu would do it: firm, but not fast. Yu would want to make it last, of that, Yosuke is fairly sure.
A thousand things run through his head in an instant, from how good he feels just imagining it to how Yu would probably disapprove of his fantasy, would be likely to be disgusted with him, but Yosuke is already too far gone to think about things like that seriously. He just feels so on edge, electrified by thoughts of Yu, as if just the thought of being touched by Yu would send a million painless zios through his body.
He leaking precome now, and he swipes his thumb over the head, smearing it over the shaft. Would Yu want to taste him? It sends shivers down his spine, and he brings his hand to his lips, licking gingerly at it. He tastes sweet, with just a hint of sour undercurrent. Yeah, Yu would like that, would maybe even duck his head down to taste it from the source, and Yosuke takes himself back in his hand and strokes eagerly, his other hand toying with the sensitive skin behind his balls.
When he overshoots and the pad of his middle finger brushes against his anus, he jumps, his breath hitching in his chest. Would\u2026 would Yu want to touch him there<\/i>? He stills for a moment, catching his breath. This is a fantasy. Does it really matter what the answer is? Right now, the answer is whatever he decides.
He bites his lip, one hand reaching for his desk drawer.
When his parents had given him the talk last year, which was the most mortifying experience of his life, they\u2019d given him a paper bag full of condoms. They must have gotten them from a clinic or something, because they were all the same kind, but in various \u2018fun\u2019 colors, and they\u2019d come with some little crack off the top, single use containers of lube. Yosuke bites a little harder, worrying at the flesh there with his teeth.
He\u2019s never done this before. He\u2019d thrown the bag in the bottom drawer and tried to forget about it \u2013 it\u2019s not like he\u2019s ever been in a situation where he\u2019d need that kind of stuff. But maybe, maybe he\u2019d like it if Yu touched him there, and\u2026
What is he doing, thinking like he\u2019s actually familiar enough with Yu that this is an actual possibility? It would be best if he just sticks with his fantasy world.
Yes, yes he thinks he might like it if someone\u2026 if someone were to\u2026 touch him. There.
It takes an extremely long time before he finds the courage to break the top off. It takes the realization of how ridiculous he must look, staring at the tube like it\u2019s a mystical portal while he\u2019s holding his dick to make him just do it, and he almost laughs right out loud when it barely takes any pressure at all, a slight shifting of his fingers knocking the top clean off. How anticlimactic.
It strikes him that he has no idea what he\u2019s doing. Not that that\u2019s ever stopped him in any of his other endeavors, exactly, but this seems like the kind of thing you should at least know something<\/i> about before you start. But then, how hard could it be? He is the one doing it; if he doesn\u2019t like it, he can just stop. No big deal, right?
He pulls his hand off of his dick for a moment to drizzle it over his fingers. It\u2019s so slick some of it runs off, and he hisses when the cool substance drips onto his leg. Jeez, the stuff is messy. He rubs his fingers together to warm it up a little, and even puts some on his other hand. He strokes himself again, the wet, gliding feeling so much better than just doing it dry, and he wonders why he didn\u2019t try this sooner.
His other hand just hovers out in the air in front of him for a few moments while Yosuke breathes, a little harder and rougher than before. Then, slowly, slowly, he moves it down, making its way between his legs, behind his balls, and finally, to touch more firmly against his entrance.
With how hard he bucks, it\u2019s a wonder he doesn\u2019t fall out of his chair.
His other socked foot comes up to find purchase on the desk\u2019s edge, and his feet inch apart, \u2018walking\u2019 in opposite directions on the lip of the wood until he\u2019s as spread eagle as he can get without losing his balance. The hand on his cock matches the beat of the music blaring in his ears, slow, sweet, and completely the wrong kind of song for what he\u2019s doing, but it does funny things to his chest and he just goes with it, the experimental touch at his entrance gaining purpose, circling the tight ring of muscle there, pushing just enough to almost, but not quite, push inside.
It\u2019s good. It\u2019s more than good. It\u2019s a coiling in his guts, a burst of heat starting in his chest and spreading down past his groin to work its way under his socks and thread through his toes. If it feels like this when he\u2019s doing it himself, it\u2019s literally impossible to even comprehend how it would feel if it were someone else\u2019s hands, if it were Yu\u2019s<\/i> hands touching him so intimately, he only knows that it would be better, would completely blow his mind until there\u2019s nothing left to blow, and that even just imagining it threatens to wake his parents with the sounds he\u2019s sure he\u2019s making outside of his noise-cancelling headphones.
Yosuke cracks open his eyes, looking over at his door with mild concern, but it\u2019s still locked, and he hopes no one is anywhere near it because he\u2019s panting openmouthed now and he doesn\u2019t think he could stop even if his parents barged in to see what he was doing.
He presses a finger inside without really letting himself think about it, caught up in the tingling of his skin, in the slick feeling of his hand on his dick, and his knees begin to shake as his finger is swallowed up to the last knuckle inside of him. He\u2019s incredibly hot inside, his muscles squeezing tight against every inch of his skin, and it feels weird<\/i>, but it makes each pump of his fist feel that much better, and Yosuke wrenches his eyes shut, words forming on his lips despite himself.
He\u2019s close. He can feel his balls hardening, and all it takes is a slight movement of the finger buried in his ass to completely shatter his control, and he\u2019s coming with a barely contained shuddering gasp, and even in the middle of the white noise filling his head and overtaking his senses, he can\u2019t pretend he\u2019s shouting anything other than Yu\u2019s name, even if he can\u2019t hear it over the sweet song playing in his ears.
He\u2019s keenly aware of the seat of the chair digging into his ass, the back imprinting itself into his shoulder blades, the come cooling against his stomach. For long moments, he just lets the music play, pleasure washing over him in waves. Then it\u2019s gone, and he\u2019s wiping his fingers and stomach with his shirt, stunned by the nothing left behind.
He just masturbated to his best friend. It\u2019s not really the first time; he can at least admit that much. But it is the first time he\u2019s done it to a love song, the first time he\u2019s stuck a finger up his ass pretending it was Yu. Somewhere in his subconscious, he\u2019s known for a long time that he wanted to be with Yu, but he\u2019d written it off, somehow, as a natural attraction to his best friend. He\u2019d convinced himself that he was just confusing his feelings, that this was the first time he\u2019s had a best friend and maybe it was normal.
He\u2019s pretty sure he can\u2019t pretend it\u2019s normal now.
What the hell is he going to do now? He might be- he thinks maybe- he knows<\/i>, he knows and he clutches at his chest as the dam breaks and all the love he\u2019d been hiding from threatens to explode out of him. His other hand comes up to his face, hiding behind it, and he\u2019s startled to realize he\u2019s crying. Quiet tears are rolling down his face, and he feels\u2026 something, something inside of him shift<\/i>; is it release? He\u2019s not sure, doesn\u2019t even know how to begin trying to understand it, and before he knows what he\u2019s doing his phone is in his hand and he\u2019s pulling up Yu\u2019s messages.
Yosuke thumbs through them, reading each one with his new perspective, blinking wetness from his eyes when things get too blurry to see. With every line he reads, he feels a little bolder, and somehow a little more insecure \u2013 is it his realization coloring the words there, or do lines like I miss you<\/i> mean more than Yosuke had let himself think before?
He wipes his eyes, sitting up with a newfound determination that he knows he has to use now or lose it forever, and pulls up the reply box.
Partner.<\/i>
Maybe Yu is asleep. Maybe Yosuke is being ridiculous. Maybe-
His phone beeps, and a new message pops up on the screen.
Can\u2019t sleep?<\/i>
No. You?<\/i>
Not really. What\u2019s up? Something on your mind?<\/i>
And there it is, the invitation Yosuke was waiting for. He chews on his lip, trying to read more into the words than is really there. He squeezes his eyes shut, hitting the keys from memory and doesn\u2019t allow himself to look until he sends it. He opens his eyes, his heart lurching in his chest as his eyes land on the deceptively simple word. You.<\/i>
If Yu seems weirded out, he can play it off, or make a joke, or something. Instead, when his phone buzzes, Yosuke sees, Oh?<\/i> which is less than helpful. It could mean anything.
Then his phone beeps again.
Me too.<\/i>
Yosuke\u2019s breath catches in his throat, and he has to ask himself if it implies what he thinks it does. It\u2019s so easy to imagine Yu, thinking as hard as Yosuke is right now, leaning over his phone and biting his lip as he waits for Yosuke\u2019s response with his heart pounding in his ears. Yosuke is still listening to the same damn song, but it\u2019s drowned out by the blood rushing in his head.
He has to be sure.
You\u2019re thinking about you, too?<\/i> He\u2019s going for teasing but he doesn\u2019t feel very smooth; doesn\u2019t feel much of anything beyond the tension in every muscle in his body, the nervous fluttering in his stomach, the slight tremble of his limbs.
You know what I meant.<\/i>
Do I?<\/i> Because really, he\u2019s not sure he gets it at all.
Tell me what\u2019s on your mind.<\/i>
Direct, straightforward. Yu is asking him to tell him. Yosuke\u2019s mouth goes dry and his hands shake so hard he almost drops his phone. He\u2019s not even sure if he can put it into words, is too afraid to say it outright, but he has to say something. I\u2019m so mixed up.<\/i>
The reply is immediate. About what?<\/i>
I think you know\u2026<\/i> is all he can bring himself to say.
Can I call you?<\/i>
Oh god, such a simple request, and yet, panic laces through Yosuke\u2019s body as he blinks owlishly at the tiny screen. He feels too raw, too emotionally strung out to talk, but Yosuke can\u2019t find it in himself to deny Yu, either, and he takes several steadying breaths before he types, Yes.<\/i>
The text has barely gone through when his phone starts ringing.
He takes a deep breath, pulls back one of the earpieces on his headphones, hits the answer button, and tries not to sound breathless when he almost whispers, \u201cHello?\u201d
\u201cHey.\u201d
There\u2019s an awkward pause, Yosuke trying not to breathe into the phone, and when he finally starts to speak, so does Yu.
\u201cLook, I-\u201c
\u201cYosuke-\u201c
They both laugh nervously, Yosuke fidgeting in his chair, pressing the phone to his ear harder than necessary, the music playing softly into his other ear. He only turned it down, not off, and he probably should but he doesn\u2019t think he could take this conversation in the deafening silence of his room. If nothing else, it gives him the strength to speak again.
\u201cWhen- when you said you missed me\u2026 did- did you mean\u2026?\u201d He\u2019s stumbling and he makes a small, frustrated noise that makes Yu chuckle.
\u201cAre you nervous? You don\u2019t have to be.\u201d Yu\u2019s voice is low and soothing, and Yosuke has no idea how his partner can be so calm about all this.
\u201cAre you?\u201d
Another soft laugh. \u201cA little, yeah. But it\u2019s just us, right? No matter what happens, we\u2019ll still be partners.\u201d
\u201cYeah,\u201d Yosuke says, then again, a little louder, \u201cYeah,\u201d with his heart in his throat because, god, it\u2019s the first time that Yu has referred to them as partners. It had always been Yosuke to call them that, and Yu had never seemed to mind, but hearing him reciprocate is entirely different than just letting Yosuke say it.
\u201cI meant what I said. I miss you.\u201d Yu pauses, then, \u201cMore than the others.\u201d
\u201cM-me too.\u201d He thinks he can hear Yu inhale shakily, but he\u2019s not sure. He should be taking the initiative here, the ball is in his court, after all, but every time he tries to get words from his brain to his mouth, they get lost somewhere along the way, and all Yosuke manages is a weak, \u201cI- I-\u201c
God, he is so awkward. He\u2019s still naked, except for his socks, and he can\u2019t believe he didn\u2019t even bother to get dressed before he started texting Yu. It makes him feel a thousand times more nervous and strange, makes him stutter easily, and he tries to mentally get himself together as he gets up, stretches, and moves to his bed. He quickly peels off his socks and slips under the covers, and though he\u2019s still technically naked, just being covered makes him feel a little better. Nevermind that Yu can\u2019t see him one way or the other.
\u201cI don\u2019t really know where to start,\u201d he finally says.
\u201cMe either. Maybe- we could start at the beginning?\u201d It\u2019s small, almost imperceptible, but he\u2019s known Yu long enough to hear the embarrassed smile in his voice, and the half-stumble in his words. It makes Yosuke feel just a little braver, like maybe the world isn\u2019t going to end any minute, or maybe it will but it\u2019ll give way to something totally new and amazing and, as of this moment, completely unimaginable.
\u201cThat\u2026 sounds reasonable.\u201d Yosuke chews on his lip for a moment, trying to think it through. \u201cI- I guess it started a long time ago, for me. I just, I didn\u2019t realize how much I- well. I guess I should have known. Probably did<\/i> know, when I told you that you were special to me. I just- I-\u201c
\u201cI know,\u201d Yu says, and Yosuke cuts off; tries to stop the shaking in his hand and can\u2019t. \u201cI didn\u2019t know if you\u2026 you didn\u2019t seem receptive to\u2026\u201d
Yosuke buries his face in his free hand, mumbling, \u201cThat\u2019s totally my fault.\u201d He tries to get it figured out, and his thoughts clamber over and around each other, getting stuck in his throat as they all try to come out at once. He scrubs at his face, inhales deeply. \u201cI was scared. That whole thing with Kanji, it- it made me think, you know? It forced me to think about things I didn\u2019t want to, and, fuck, I\u2019m a terrible person.\u201d
Yu\u2019s words are forceful. \u201cYou\u2019re not.\u201d
\u201cI am. I took it out on Kanji and that\u2019s- it\u2019s not okay. I should, I don\u2019t know, apologize to him or something. Make it up to him somehow, if I even can. I just, you, too, I\u2019m sorry I was such an ass.\u201d
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to apologize to me, and you know Kanji will forgive you. Probably already has.\u201d
Yosuke makes a distressed noise before he can stop himself. \u201cYeah, but that doesn\u2019t really make it right, you know?\u201d
\u201c\u2026I know. But-\u201c
Yosuke shakes his head. \u201cNo, no excuses. I\u2019ve been making excuses for too long. I don\u2019t know how to feel about everything. I might- I think I could be\u2026 I don\u2019t know, bisexual or something, and, god damn it, it scares the living fuck out of me, you know?\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s pretty new to me, too,\u201d Yu admits, and it makes it a little easier, and now that Yosuke has gotten started, he finds it almost impossible to stop.
\u201cI didn\u2019t really start at the beginning, I guess. I\u2019ve always been attracted to you. It\u2019s pretty embarrassing to admit but, I kind of\u2026 remember when I crashed my bike? I mean it happened two days in a row, haha, oh man, I\u2019m so lame, but it was because I was too busy looking at you to pay attention to where I was going, and then I lost control of my bike, and, well, you know the rest. I just, I couldn\u2019t admit it, you know? It\u2019s\u2026 not really the first time I\u2019ve found a guy attractive but\u2026 there\u2019s always been something about you that\u2026 God, I feel like such a girl right now.\u201d
\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t. It might not be something you\u2019re used to, but li- being attracted to me doesn\u2019t make you girly. Or if it does, I\u2019m just as girly, I guess. At least it\u2019s equal.\u201d Yu chuckles softly, and Yosuke smiles into the phone.
\u201cI didn\u2019t know you liked yourself so much, partner,\u201d he drawls, and for a second, he\u2019s able to step outside of the conversation and just enjoy their shared amusement.
\u201cWell, you said so yourself. I\u2019m pretty hot.\u201d
\u201cHey, I said attractive. It\u2019s marginally different.\u201d
\u201cRight. And if- if I told you that I also think\u2026 that I have also always thought you were attractive, would- would that be okay? For me to think that.\u201d
Yosuke has never heard Yu stumble so much over his words, and he feels his face grow hot. \u201cYeah,\u201d he says, his voice cracking. He swallows and starts again. \u201cYeah, it\u2019s- it\u2019s more than okay. It\u2019s kind of\u2026 great, actually.\u201d
This time he is sure he hears Yu\u2019s voice shake. \u201cIs it?\u201d
\u201cIt is.\u201d Yosuke sighs. \u201cI\u2019m not going to say that I\u2019m just gay for you or something, that would be such a copout, but, right now, girls, boys, none of it matters. All that I can think about is you. I don\u2019t really know where to go from here, but, fuck, I really hope it goes somewhere because otherwise I have no idea what I\u2019m doing telling you all of this. I mean, no pressure or anything! Oh man, I\u2019m really making a fool of myself, aren\u2019t I? W-whatever you want to do is cool with me, okay?\u201d
\u201cI was hoping you wanted more, but I wasn\u2019t going to just assume\u2026 I- do you want- What I mean to say is, will you be my boyfriend? If you don\u2019t like it we can go back to being friends, but I-\u201c
Yosuke cuts Yu off with a soft, \u201cYu.\u201d He clutches the phone hard enough to break, and he can tell before he even speaks that his voice is going to crack and shake, but he doesn\u2019t care, just opens his mouth and lets the words tumble out of it. \u201cI want to. I mean, I will be. Your boyfriend. And I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll ever want to stop, so I hope you like it because I don\u2019t know what I\u2019ll do if you change your mind.\u201d
\u201cI wish I could be there right now.\u201d
\u201cMe too, but you\u2019ll visit soon, and it\u2019s not that much longer, less than a year and we\u2019ll be out of school, and you could come here, or maybe I\u2019ll go there, or whatever, it doesn\u2019t even matter as long as we end up together somewhere.\u201d He wants it to be now, doesn\u2019t want to wait, but he has to and damned if he\u2019s going to make Yu feel bad about something neither of them can do anything about. \u201cI\u2019ve got a lot to make up for, a lot of shit to get figured out in my head, things I don\u2019t even know where to start with, like how to tell my parents and how much of a total douchebag I\u2019m going to feel like apologizing to Kanji and telling him that, actually, it\u2019s because I like boys that I acted so ridiculous, but\u2026 I don\u2019t have to figure out how I feel about you. I know exactly how I feel, and I don\u2019t think that\u2019s ever going to change. You\u2019re stuck with me, partner.\u201d
Yu snorts. \u201cI think I can live with that.\u201d
Yosuke adjusts the phone, pulls off his headphones and lays down, grinning lazily into the mouthpiece. \u201cGood to know.\u201d
Yu yawns, and then Yosuke does, too, and they laugh. \u201cShould I let you go?\u201d
\u201cNo. If- if you don\u2019t mind? I just kind of\u2026 want to listen to you? Just for a few more minutes?\u201d
\u201cOkay,\u201d Yu says, and they both just breathe into the phone for a while, saying nothing at all.
Yosuke is pretty sure Yu is asleep when his breathing evens out, but instead of hanging up, he just props the phone between his pillow and the ear and lays there, trying to curl into the sound of Yu\u2019s soft breath.
There\u2019s so much to think about; so many things to consider and go over, so much to worry about, and celebrate about, and just about every emotion in between, but Yosuke feels like he\u2019s been wrung out like a wet cloth, and he lets himself drift off.
When he wakes up, his phone is digging roughly into his cheekbone, and when he looks at it with gritty, sleep-filled eyes, he sees the timer still going. He puts it back to his ear and hears Yu, \u201cYosuke? You awake now?\u201d
Yosuke grins. \u201cStill an early riser, I see.\u201d
\u201cStill perpetually late, I see.\u201d
Even if Yosuke can\u2019t see it, he can feel Yu\u2019s matching grin on the other end of the line, and in that moment, he knows that no matter how hard it\u2019s going to be, from here on out, it\u2019ll be okay.
He has Yu. That\u2019s all he\u2019ll ever need.<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154429.html?view=comments#comments","category":["p4","writing"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154188.html","pubDate":"Sat, 03 Nov 2012 10:34:05 GMT","title":"Two Feet on the Ground [P4, Yu\/Yosuke, G]","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154188.html","description":"Sequel to Steadier Footing<\/a> and a segueway into a larger piece that will come later.
Two Feet on the Ground<\/b>
He could have stayed. He would<\/i> have stayed, if only Yosuke had shown any sign that he\u2019d wanted him to. But he didn\u2019t, and he hadn\u2019t, and now Yu\u2019s only comfort is the sound of wheel against rail, lulling him into a state of half-sleep, drifting in that place where he is alone with his regrets.
These days, the list is far too long.
It was supposed to feel good to see everyone again. They\u2019d been through hell and back together, they\u2019d created bonds that were supposed to be unbreakable. And in some ways, maybe they are. But not in the ways that matter. They are tethered together by fate, a lifelong connection that feels like a joke now. They aren\u2019t friends anymore, just memories of a time when things were better. Murders be damned, he\u2019d been happy then.
Yu can\u2019t remember a time he\u2019s happy since.
It\u2019s not like he moved back home and suddenly had no friends. He\u2019s had friends, and has them now, more friends than he can even count, thanks to skills he learned in Inaba. That only makes the loneliness he feels even worse; all these friends and not one real connection. If anything, it\u2019s having all those friends that makes him feel more alone than he can ever remember feeling. And that, in turn, makes him feel like an incredibly horrible person.
But nothing compares to the hurt and regret that comes every time he lets himself think about the distance that has grown between him and the only best friend he\u2019s ever had.
Yosuke\u2026 he isn\u2019t doing well. Yu may be out of touch, but he\u2019d have to be blind not to notice. He\u2019s not exactly thinner, perhaps \u2013 any thinner and the guy would probably disappear completely \u2013 but he hasn\u2019t filled out any in the five years since he\u2019d left Inaba, despite having gained a little height. It makes him look gaunt and worn, and coupled with the painfully obvious lack of that spark that had drawn him in so close to Yosuke all those years ago, it\u2019s become hard to be around him.
And that, without question, makes him the absolute worst. The very fact that he can avert his eyes when his best friend \u2013 his partner<\/i>, as Yosuke would put it \u2013 is struggling so obviously is nothing short of sickening. Some friend he turned out to be.
Yu rubs his temples in slow, soothing circles. This train of thought will get him nowhere. He\u2019d been so full of excuses for so long \u2013 college, work, family, bills \u2013 that even if they were good excuses, on the whole there is no excuse for the state of disrepair his life is in right now; the state he\u2019s left Yosuke to drown in. He has his degree now. He doesn\u2019t live at home anymore. He\u2019s still looking to apply his Nursing degree to an actual career instead of the part time stuff he\u2019s been doing. Somehow, he\u2019s found his heart hasn\u2019t been in it.
Maybe it\u2019s time to broaden his search; to look in a new location. He knows of a nice hospital in Inaba\u2026 probably still has some rapport there. It\u2019s not like he\u2019ll miss the city. Hadn\u2019t missed it the last time he\u2019d left it, won\u2019t miss it now. His apartment isn\u2019t anything to write home about, and his parents were gone so often that staying for them isn\u2019t even a blip on his mental radar. He wonders if there are any openings. Maybe they\u2019ll make room for him.
Inaba. The place he\u2019d lived for only a year. The place he\u2019d accomplished the most. The place he\u2019d felt the most alive.
Home.
It will be well past dawn when the night train reaches Tokyo. Yu leans back and tries to get some rest.
After all, he has a resume to prepare and some very important phone calls to make when he arrives.<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/154188.html?view=comments#comments","category":["p4","writing","finding our feet"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153962.html","pubDate":"Sun, 28 Oct 2012 21:52:30 GMT","title":"On My Line [Persona 4, Yu\/Yosuke, PG]","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153962.html","description":"On My Line<\/b>
\u201cGod Chie, why did you have to tell him I call you at night to tell you dirty jokes? That\u2019s not even true! Well, okay, maybe a little\u2026\u201d
\u201cYosuke, did you seriously just call me to talk about looking bad in front of the transfer student?\u201d
\u201cDude, really? You act like we don\u2019t know him already. Sure, it hasn\u2019t been long, but considering the circumstances\u2026\u201d
\u201cDo you ever shut up? Is this all you called me for? Believe it or not, I\u2019ve got better things to do than talk about your new crush.\u201d
\u201cWhat? God, I can\u2019t even believe you. I don\u2019t have a-\u201c
Call ended.
---
\u201cWhere were you today?\u201d
\u201cNice greeting, Yosuke.\u201d
\u201cNo, really, I mean, it\u2019s not like I mind hanging around Yu by myself but I felt pretty awkward just running my mouth as usual while he just sat there and nodded at me. Guy doesn\u2019t really talk much.\u201d
\u201cOh God, not this again. You\u2019re completely obsessed with him.\u201d
\u201cNo I\u2019m not! You\u2019ve got it all wrong! He\u2019s just\u2026 new.\u201d
\u201c\u2026Right.\u201d
\u201cNo, I\u2019m serious, just hear me out.\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019ve got\u2026 three minutes before I hang up on you and watch a movie.\u201d
\u201cOkay whatever, that\u2019s plenty of time. Seriously, I\u2019ve never really had a best friend before, you know? And on top of that I haven\u2019t known him very long and I-\u201c
\u201cOkay, I lied. You\u2019re boring. Next time you call, talk about something I actually care about, okay?\u201d
\u201cHey, wait!\u201d
Call ended.
---
\u201cI swear to god, Yosuke, if this is about Yu again, I am going to throw my phone at your head the very next time I see you.\u201d
\u201cWhat? No, not everything is about Yu, jeez.\u201d
\u201cThis outta be good. So what did you call for?\u201d
\u201c\u2026Wanna go for steak tomorrow?\u201d
\u201cThat\u2019s what I thought.\u201d
Call ended.
---
\u201cSo\u2026 that whole thing with Kanji\u2026 kind of\u2026 weird\u2026\u201d
\u201cNo weirder than you calling me at all hours of the night to talk about Yu all the damn time.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s not like that! Damn it, Chie, you know<\/i> that.\u201d
\u201cThat\u2019s funny, from where I\u2019m sitting, it looks a whole lot like that.\u201d
\u201cWhatever Chie! Why do I even call you?\u201d
\u201cI\u2019ve been wondering that myself.\u201d
Call ended.
---
\u201cLook, I know<\/i> you\u2019re not busy, so just humor me for a few minutes.\u201d
\u201cHow do you know I\u2019m not busy?\u201d
\u201cI just know. Come on, Chie, just hear me out.\u201d
\u201cFine. What\u2019s on your mind, Yosuke?\u201d
\u201cDid you mean what you said?\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m just going to assume the answer to that is yes. But go ahead, tell me what you\u2019re talking about.\u201d
\u201cYou know, when you said, well, implied, really, that, um, well\u2026\u201d
\u201cSpit it out, Yosuke.\u201d
\u201cMe, for Yu, is it\u2026 like, like Kanji?\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re lucky I understand idiot boy. And yes.\u201d
\u201cBut how do you know<\/i>?\u201d
\u201cDo I really have to spell it out for you? Figure it out, dumbass.\u201d
\u201cBut Chie-\u201c
Call ended.
---
\u201cChie.\u201d
\u201cMy, someone sounds serious.\u201d
\u201cI think\u2026 I think you\u2019re right.\u201d
\u201cWell, what girl doesn\u2019t like to hear that? About what, exactly?\u201d
\u201cThis feeling. It\u2019s more than just friendship.\u201d
\u201cWell, what are you calling me for?\u201d
\u201c\u2026Yeah. You\u2019re right again.\u201d
\u201cAbout time you figured it out.\u201d
\u201cAnd Chie?\u201d
\u201cHmm?\u201d
\u201cThanks.\u201d
\u201cYeah yeah, now go bother Yu.\u201d
Call ended.
---
\u201cYu.\u201d
\u201cSince I am the one answering your call, I believe proper protocol dictates I speak first.\u201d
\u201cHa ha.\u201d
\u201cSomething on your mind, Yosuke?\u201d
\u201cGod, could you be any more amused right now?\u201d
\u201cProbably.\u201d
\u201cWell, anyway, yeah.\u201d
\u201cCould you be more specific?\u201d
\u201cYou.\u201d
\u201cMe.\u201d
\u201cYeah.\u201d
\u201cI feel as if I\u2019ve missed an important part of this conversation.\u201d
\u201cAugh, this is hard.\u201d
\u201c\u2026Do you want me to let you go so you can take care of that?\u201d
\u201cOh man, seriously? You\u2019re really going to make this impossible for me, aren\u2019t you?\u201d
\u201cSorry.\u201d
\u201cYeah, well, it\u2019s cool. I just, it\u2019s stupid. Nevermind.\u201d
\u201cI\u2019m listening.\u201d
\u201cYeah?\u201d
\u201cYeah.\u201d
\u201c\u2026You know, I can hear you smiling from here. It\u2019s kind of endearing, partner.\u201d
\u201cI can\u2019t help it.\u201d
\u201cI know you can\u2019t. That\u2019s why it\u2019s endearing. And, uh, kind of related, I guess.\u201d
\u201cOh?\u201d
\u201cIt might be kinda\u2026\u201d
\u201cI think I can handle it.\u201d
\u201cYou say that now<\/i>, but\u2026\u201d
\u201cRelax, Yosuke. You can tell me anything. You know that.\u201d
\u201cOh man, your seriousness just makes me more nervous.\u201d
\u201cDon\u2019t be nervous, then.\u201d
\u201cOh yeah, because it\u2019s so easy to not be nervous when you\u2019re about to tell your best friend that- uh, what I\u2019m about to tell you.\u201d
\u201cListen to yourself. I\u2019m your best friend, and you\u2019re mine. There\u2019s nothing you should feel like you have to hide.\u201d
\u201cYeah, well, I\u2019m pretty sure I\u2019m not supposed to be feeling like this<\/i> about my best friend.\u201d
\u201cNot that I would know, since you\u2019re really the first real friend I\u2019ve ever had, let alone my first best friend, but could you elaborate?\u201d
\u201cW-wait, really?\u201d
\u201cYeah.\u201d
\u201cYour smile\u2019s back.\u201d
\u201cSo is yours.\u201d
\u201cI just, I don\u2019t know, I\u2019m honored or something.\u201d
\u201cHonored? I don\u2019t know why.\u201d
\u201cDude, you could have your pick of anyone on campus. Hell, probably anyone in Inaba.\u201d
\u201cBut they aren\u2019t you.\u201d
\u201c\u2026\u201d
\u201cYosuke? You still there?\u201d
\u201cMan, how can you deliver heart-stopping lines like that with such a nonchalant tone? It\u2019s not fair.\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s the truth. It\u2019s nothing to get broken up about.\u201d
\u201cDid you just shrug? Wait, no, don\u2019t bother answering that. I could totally hear you. You shrugged.\u201d
\u201cI think, somewhere along the way, we lost sight of your point.\u201d
\u201cNo, no, we didn\u2019t, not really. And hey, trying to rush me?\u201d
\u201cNever.\u201d
\u201cYou act like you\u2019d just let me go on forever here.\u201d
\u201cIf you wanted to, why not? It\u2019s not like I\u2019d rather be doing anything else. I\u2019m happy right where I am.\u201d
\u201cSee, that right there. When you say shit like that, how do you expect me to do anything but fall for you?\u201d
\u201cAnd have you? Fallen? For. Me.\u201d
\u201cI\u2026 That is\u2026 uh. Yes. I think so. It\u2019s weird, right? It totally is. You\u2019re not supposed to fall for your best friend. Especially when your best friend is a guy<\/i>. I understand if you\u2019re totally creeped out or something, I don\u2019t even know what I\u2019m thinking, telling you this, oh man-\u201c
\u201cYosuke.\u201d
\u201cI- what?\u201d
\u201cRelax.\u201d
\u201cHow am I supposed to do that now?\u201d
\u201cLook, I don\u2019t know if it\u2019s normal to fall for your best friend, but it doesn\u2019t really matter. I\u2019ve never been normal.\u201d
\u201c\u2026Partner? What are you saying?\u201d
\u201cI guess you could say I understand how you feel. That is, me too.\u201d
\u201c\u2026Oh<\/i>.\u201d
\u201cYeah.\u201d
\u201c\u2026Okay.\u201d
\u201cYosuke?\u201d
\u201cYeah?\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re still a dork.\u201d
\u201cHeh, back at you.\u201d
\u201cAs long as we\u2019re clear.\u201d
\u201cYeah, I think we finally are.\u201d
Call to Yu Narukami: 15:02, 15:03, 15:04\u2026<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153962.html?view=comments#comments","category":["p4","writing"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153625.html","pubDate":"Tue, 23 Oct 2012 18:50:54 GMT","title":"Steadier Footing [Persona 4, Yosuke\/Yu, PG]","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153625.html","description":"Title: Steadier Footing
Author:
Rating: PG
Pairing: Unrealized Yosuke\/Yu
Warnings: Uh, Yosuke smokes?
Notes: Based off the song Steadier Footing by Deathcab for Cutie, which I was heavily inspired to write after discovering it on
![](\"https:\/\/l-stat.livejournal.net\/img\/userinfo_v8.png?v=17080&v=915\")
<\/a>sodomquake<\/b><\/a><\/span>'s mix<\/a> she made for something Yosuke would give Yu when he left. <3 This particular song made me cry, and then I had to write it. So. Here it is.Steadier Footing<\/b>
It\u2019s cold out; Yosuke can see his breath turn to fog in front of him, bursting out only to dissipate as quickly as it comes. It makes him think of things, memories floating across the years to find him now, sitting on his porch at nearly eleven \u2013 late enough that everyone is probably already gone, but still earlier than he\u2019d gone to bed when he was in high school, back when staying up until midnight actually meant something.
Has it really been five years? It feels like five seconds. It feels like five lifetimes.
Seeing them all again had been strange. He\u2019s kept in touch in varying degrees with every one of them, but a few exchanged e-mails and awkward phone calls aren\u2019t really enough to keep them close. In movies, everyone falls back in together like they\u2019d never left, like for that brief moment when they reunite, time moves to meet them, to sweep them up in everything they\u2019d been all over again. Life is nothing like the movies. That\u2019s something Yosuke has learned the hard way.
He pulls out a pack of silly, melon ball flavored cigarettes, presses one between his lips and flicks open a scratched and dull Keroppi zippo. He takes a long drag, and the smoke lingers longer than his breath, curling up into the air in languid twists and turns. The cigarettes go back in his pocket but as he pulls his jacket tighter around him, he keeps the zippo out, the familiar weight comfortable in his hand.
His thumb brushes over the engraving, the green paint having long since chipped and flaked away until only the dull grey remains. Somehow, when Yu had left, they\u2019d all ended up with trinkets, to remember their time together, he\u2019d said. As if he could ever forget.
He hadn\u2019t even started smoking yet. Yosuke snorts, idly wondering if Yu had somehow predicted the future. Probably not, but it was a fun thought. A pleasant one, one where Yu knew him so well he could predict his future behaviors. Now Yu barely knows him from a hole in the ground, probably.
Only an hour later, Yosuke already wishes he\u2019d stayed, at the same time as he knows that once Yu had left, there ceased to be a reason for him to be there. Maybe wasn\u2019t a reason for him to be there before that, but he never could say no to Yu. That\u2019s one of the few things that has never changed.
His porch is hard and cold, digging into his tailbone, but there is no one to call him in, no one to worry about him catching a cold or getting hypothermia, never really had been, so he just huddles deeper into his jacket and takes another drag, the tip glowing for a moment, illuminating nothing much of note until it dulls again.
Occasionally, some drunk staggers by, red-faced and coming down off the buzz of the night\u2019s festivities. Yosuke smiles at the night, but there\u2019s no real mirth to it. Not like the smiles he remembers giving on the banks of the Samegawa, when he had something to smile about.
\u201cHey.\u201d
Yosuke can\u2019t help it, he jumps, almost dropping his burnt out cigarette. Somewhere along the way, it has reached the filter, and Yosuke flicks it off the porch with no real thought to where it lands before he turns his head. \u201cWay to give a guy a heart attack,\u201d he says, a chuckle that sounds less forced than he thought it would.
Yu answers with a chuckle of his own, ducking his head sheepishly. \u201cSorry.\u201d
\u201cI figured you\u2019d be on your way home already with how early you disappeared, man.\u201d Yosuke makes a motion with his head and Yu takes the invitation, sitting a modest distance from him so he has ample room to sprawl backwards a little, resting his palms on the cool wood behind him and leaning back, looking up into the sky.
\u201cI needed some time to think.\u201d It doesn\u2019t sound like it\u2019s a big deal \u2013 Yu could make the apocalypse sound like it was nothing to worry about \u2013 but Yosuke knows better. At least, he hopes he does.
\u201cSomething on your mind?\u201d Yosuke throws out there, trying for equally nonchalant and hoping Yu can\u2019t hear the slight eagerness in his tone, his wish to be the best friend one more time manifesting. He absently pulls out another smoke and Yu shoots him a sidelong glance.
\u201cMind if I bum one?\u201d he asks, and Yosuke isn\u2019t sure if he\u2019s avoiding the question or just stalling.
\u201cDude, didn\u2019t you quit last winter?\u201d Yosuke says, light and teasing, but he holds the pack out anyway.
\u201cI did,\u201d he says simply, pulling one from the pack, and Yosuke considers lighting his cigarette for him, but feels awkward about it, and hands him the zippo he\u2019d given him in another life. For a second, Yosuke thinks he\u2019ll just light it and that\u2019ll be it, but as he takes his first drag, his eyes flick down to the frog there, his fingers brushing the surface in a way that so mimics Yosuke\u2019s own just minutes ago that Yosuke visibly shivers. He thinks Yu will say something about it, and he does open his mouth, but it just hangs open for a second before closing again. Finally, he lays it flat on his palm, reaching into Yosuke\u2019s space a little to allow him to grab it, Yosuke\u2019s fingers brushing lightly against the warmth of Yu\u2019s skin before the comforting weight is back in his own hand. Yosuke hunches in on himself a little more, his fingers closing around the metal and gripping it tightly. \u201cCold?\u201d
\u201cA little. Not quite ready to go in yet, though, you know what I mean?\u201d Yosuke has no idea if Yu knows what he means \u2013 Yosuke barely knows what he means, is in fact, sort of just talking to talk, to feel the ghost of a friendship long dulled.
Yu just quirks up his lips though, softly saying, \u201cYeah,\u201d before taking a drag of his own cigarette.
Even if it\u2019s been a long time, Yosuke still appreciates Yu\u2019s easy nature, smoking Yosuke\u2019s weird cigarettes like they were completely normal, where any of Yosuke\u2019s other \u2018friends\u2019 would complain and tease him about his girly smokes, and it would leave behind a hurt that wouldn\u2019t reflect in his answering smile. Yu isn\u2019t like that; isn\u2019t the type to make jokes that are designed to hurt, is in fact pretty bad with humor in general but always has a smile and sometimes even a laugh whenever it comes his way.
\u201cIt\u2019ll never really be the same, will it?\u201d
It comes out as almost a whisper, and it echoes so many of his thoughts tonight that he\u2019s surprised to find that it is Yu\u2019s voice and not his own that actually voices it. Yosuke wonders if this is what he\u2019d needed to think about, then decides it doesn\u2019t matter.
\u201cNo.\u201d It sounds a little tighter than he likes, but Yu just nods, turning serious eyes his way, his expression as unreadable as ever.
Yosuke\u2019s chest tightens, not quite like it did when they were sixteen, but enough that it reminds him of what he could never say, and for one brief moment, he thinks that maybe now is the time, now that he has nothing to lose but the ghost of the best friendship he\u2019s ever had, and he feels the words clamoring just in the back of his throat, fighting over what to say first, but in the end he swallows, dislodging them and sending them careening into oblivion, and then the moment is gone.
Somehow, that ghost of a friendship is still better than nothing at all.
Yosuke reaches for a safe topic, and Yu falls in step with him, talking about this person or that, people they used to know, people they\u2019ve met in each other\u2019s absence, people Yosuke is sure will fade just as surely in another five or ten years\u2019 time, and in the back of his mind, he tells himself it\u2019s better this way. This way he will still have Yu when he forgets everyone he\u2019s telling Yu about now, and if he only sees him once a year, or once every five, they will fall into place, for a night, and it will be worth it to have stayed silent.
They both can\u2019t help but turn towards the TV through the front window when Yu\u2019s watch hits midnight, and then they laugh. Old habits and all.
Yu excuses himself shortly after, and Yosuke doesn\u2019t even allow himself to consider asking him to stay.
Instead, he lights another cigarette. He\u2019s tried to quit twice, but it never lasts. And if his eyes linger on the spot where Yu disappeared, well, it just means that smoking isn\u2019t the only thing that he failed to quit.
It\u2019s almost dawn when Yosuke goes inside, but there\u2019s no one waiting for him, so when he falls asleep with that familiar weight in his palm, there\u2019s no one there to think anything of it.<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153625.html?view=comments#comments","category":["p4","writing","finding our feet"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153451.html","pubDate":"Sat, 20 Oct 2012 11:05:56 GMT","title":"\"Hot!\"","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153451.html","description":"So, we put on a Disney movie for Jacks, and he starts blowing at the screen. And I'm like, what are you doing, cutie? ...And then I realized he was blowing at the fireworks. \"Hot!\" he said, trying to cool them down. \u2665
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153451.html?view=comments#comments","category":["update","my gummy bear"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153260.html","pubDate":"Sun, 14 Oct 2012 02:06:30 GMT","title":"Can't Take the Fight from the Kid [P4, Yu\/Yosuke, NC-17]","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153260.html","description":"Kink meme prompt: Another fight with blood. Rough sex.
http:\/\/badbadbathhouse.livejournal.com\/736.html?thread=15840#t15840<\/a>
Can\u2019t Take the Fight from the Kid<\/b>
Blood. The coppery tang in Yosuke\u2019s mouth is blood. Huh.
Yu has one hell of a swing. Yosuke\u2019s barely righted himself when Yu\u2019s follow up left jab splits open his eyebrow to match the inside of his lip. He welcomes it; welcomes the blood, the pain, all of it.
He wants more.
Yosuke\u2019s already panting, not-quite-swaying on his feet, but he\u2019s no pushover. Fuck, he is the one who asked for this, is always the one who asks for this, and what kind of shitty request would it be if he didn\u2019t give it his all?
He ducks a sharp right that would have almost definitely lifted him off his feet and moves in close, managing a swift one-two punch before dancing out of Yu\u2019s reach. The wet feeling on his knuckles tells him he\u2019s made Yu\u2019s nose bleed, and he allows himself a cocky grin even as the blood from his own eye is making it hard to see much of anything.
He finds himself winking out of necessity, for once.
Lucky for Yosuke, he\u2019s ambidextrous. All it takes is to switch from one stance to another and he\u2019s got his good eye looking right at Yu, his head bobbing slightly to the tinny music blaring from the headphones slung around his neck.
\u201cOne more, Partner,\u201d he says, moving in, calculating the trajectory of Yu\u2019s swing and dodging only to get caught across the cheek with a left hook. It feels like his face is exploding.
Yosuke grits his teeth and swings blindly. Yu has no trouble dodging the wild punch, and Yosuke throws another, and another, and he can hear the warning note in Yu\u2019s voice when he says, \u201cYosuke\u2026\u201d but he ignores it.
It\u2019s not enough. He wants more. He needs it. \u201cOne more,\u201d he repeats, and Yu frowns, but Yosuke is already in his personal space, swinging at him, forcing Yu to let instinct take over.
Yosuke hits Yu so hard, he busts his knuckles open on his teeth. Yu\u2019s bottom lip is swollen and covered in blood \u2013 whether Yosuke\u2019s or his own, he isn\u2019t sure \u2013 and Yosuke grins just as Yu\u2019s fist connects with his ribcage, stealing his breath and making his body sag.
He would have hit the ground, but Yu\u2019s hands are there, holding him up, clutching at him tightly. \u201cDamn it, Yosuke,\u201d Yu growls, and Yosuke just smiles.
\u201cOne more,\u201d he says weakly, struggling to regain his own feet, but Yu holds him still.
\u201cNo,\u201d Yu says forcefully, pulling Yosuke in tighter, his lips whispering across the sensitive skin where neckline becomes shoulder. \u201cNo more,\u201d he growls, punctuating his words with his teeth, biting hard at the flesh there.
Yosuke groans, breath coming in ragged gulps and gasps, his lungs desperately trying to replace the air it had been robbed of. All he has to do is tilt his head and Yu\u2019s lips are on his, Yosuke\u2019s tongue running over the swell of flesh caused by his own hand, and this alone is enough to send all his blood rushing to his dick.
Yu wastes no time. He doesn\u2019t give a shit that they\u2019re standing right out in the open at the Samegawa Riverbed. He shoves his hand into Yosuke\u2019s pants to wrap his fingers around his straining erection, pumping it a few times, fast and rough the same as he would if they were behind closed doors. \u201cThis is what you want, isn\u2019t it?\u201d Yosuke groans out something unintelligible and Yu squeezes his cock harder. \u201cIt is, isn\u2019t it? Answer me,\u201d he demands, stilling his hand.
\u201cYes, yes, I want it, okay?\u201d Yosuke says, frustrated, his bloody fingers working at the buttons on Yu\u2019s shirt.
\u201cIs that a question or an answer?\u201d Yu asks, running his tongue over Yosuke\u2019s jaw.
\u201cYou already know I do,\u201d Yosuke tries, his fingers moving on to Yu\u2019s fly.
\u201cSay it,\u201d Yu growls, breath puffing against Yosuke\u2019s ear as he bites down on his earlobe, his other hand shifting from holding him up to clutching at Yosuke\u2019s ass.
\u201cI want it. I want you<\/i>.\u201d Yosuke tries to jerk his hips and thrust into Yu\u2019s hand, but somehow Yu holds him still. \u201cPartner\u2026\u201d Yosuke groans, finally freeing Yu\u2019s cock and sliding his fingers over it, hoping to encourage Yu to do the same.
\u201cI know you do,\u201d Yu says, the timbre of his voice dropping, the fingers groping his ass sliding around to his front pocket, dipping in to find the tube of lube he knows is in there.
This isn\u2019t the first time, and it won\u2019t be the last. And just like every other time, Yu says it. \u201cSo why fight it?\u201d
\u201cIt\u2019s gay. We\u2019re not.\u201d His hand wrapped around Yu\u2019s cock is in obvious contrast to his words, and he smirks depreciatingly against Yu\u2019s neck. \u201cWe have to be punished. We have to punish each other.\u201d
\u201cWhat if I don\u2019t want to punish you?\u201d Yu\u2019s hand begins to move again, gripping tightly, the battle-callused pad of his thumb running over the head of Yosuke\u2019s cock. \u201cWhat if I want to make you feel good?\u201d
\u201cSomeday, I-\u201c but Yosuke can\u2019t say it yet, can\u2019t even think of a day when he won\u2019t need this like he needs air, so he stops. Starts again. \u201cIt feels good when you punish me.\u201d
\u201cAre you sure?\u201d Yu asks, and Yosuke isn\u2019t sure which one of them is hesitating at that, but he\u2019s sure one of them is. \u201cIt could be\u2026 different, if you wanted.\u201d
Yosuke bites at Yu\u2019s injured lip. \u201cPunish me, Partner.\u201d
Yu can\u2019t hide his sigh, but he says, \u201cWhatever you want, Yosuke,\u201d and suddenly Yu\u2019s cock is ripped from his fingers as he\u2019s spun around, Yu pushing Yosuke\u2019s pants down and pulling up his shirt so that his belly, cock and thighs are bare to the condensation lingering in the Samegawa air.
\u201cTouch your toes, Partner<\/i>,\u201d Yu commands, and regardless of what he\u2019d said moments before, Yosuke knows Yu likes this \u2013 he\u2019d have to to be so damn good at it.
Yosuke\u2019s heart rate triples as he practically bends in half, two lube-slicked fingers entering him without preamble. It hasn\u2019t been that long since they\u2019d done this last, but it still burns a little. Regardless, when Yu wraps his hand around Yosuke\u2019s cock again, he tries and fails to find the leverage to push Yu deeper inside of him.
Two fingers become three and Yosuke is panting openmouthed, his fingernails digging into the soft earth beneath his feet. He can feel the slow burn of his leg muscles as they start to protest to being in such a position for so long, but Yosuke knows they\u2019ve only just begun. His legs will just have to deal.
\u201cPartner,\u201d Yosuke groans, and that\u2019s all it takes to get Yu to replace his fingers with something bigger, thrusting savagely into him just as Yosuke wants, hard and fast, with no time to think. Yu is leaning over him, pushing him down with each buck of his hips, and Yosuke has to lock his knees out, has to push back to keep from crashing face-first into the dirt.
Yu\u2019s hand leaves Yosuke\u2019s cock in favor of running up \u2013 or is it down, in this position? \u2013 his back, fingers digging into his shoulder blades, and Yosuke\u2019s own fingers flex into the dirt, wanting to touch back but completely incapable of it in his current position, as it should be. To touch is a reward, a reward he hasn\u2019t earned.
Yosuke wants to earn it. He really, really does. But as long as he feels the need to fight for what he wants, he will never deserve it.
This is enough. The roll of Yu\u2019s hips against his ass, filling him over and over, the ache of his muscles, the constant fear of crumpling under Yu\u2019s weight; it\u2019s enough. For now.
One of Yu\u2019s hands tangles in the hair at the nape of Yosuke\u2019s neck, pulling roughly. \u201cYosuke,\u201d he rasps, his husky voice making Yosuke\u2019s cock twitch in earnest, \u201cunbend.\u201d
It\u2019s difficult to keep his balance, to inform the right muscles to help him stand up straight while Yu is still fucking him, but Yu is pulling him up by his hair, assisting him with a hand on his chest, and almost immediately lifted off his feet by an upwards thrust, Yu\u2019s hands coming to grip Yosuke\u2019s hips tight enough to bruise.
Yosuke arches back into Yu, who\u2019s biting at his neck, running his tongue around the shell of his ear, pressing his fevered face against Yosuke\u2019s. \u201cTouch yourself,\u201d Yu growls, and Yosuke almost comes before his hand reaches his dick. As it is, he barely has time to slide his hand from the base to the head before he\u2019s coming, white hot stars exploding behind his eyes as he shoots rope after rope of come all over the ground.
Yu is far from finished, though.
A hand leaves his hip and Yosuke finds himself being pulled backwards, sinking down until he\u2019s sitting backwards in Yu\u2019s lap, and the hand Yu had used to ease their descent comes up to brush dirt covered fingers over Yosuke\u2019s nipple, Yu\u2019s mouth sucking at the nape of his neck. \u201cRide me,\u201d Yu commands, and it takes some shifting but he gets his legs in the right position to lift himself up to drop back down on Yu\u2019s cock in his ass. Yu meets his every downward movement with an upwards thrust of his hips, and it doesn\u2019t take nearly as long as it should for Yosuke to be rock hard and dripping again.
He can\u2019t see Yu\u2019s face, but he can feel his muscles start to spasm, and he knows it means he\u2019s getting close. Then Yosuke is shoved forward onto his knees and Yu is crushing his hips with his fingers, slamming into him so hard he can feel his knees drawing lines in the dirt with each forward motion.
\u201cYosu\u2026 ke\u2026\u201d Yu moans, holding Yosuke still for one long moment as he comes inside of him, his panting and twitching as hot as the sex itself, because he was coming for Yosuke, coming because of<\/i> Yosuke, and it is only in this moment that Yosuke allows himself to admit that he loves this, loves being the one that turns Yu on, maybe, maybe even loves Yu<\/i>.
Then Yu flips Yosuke over and engulfs his cock in one swift movement, and holy fuck, yes, he loves Yu and his impossibly talented mouth and oh god, he\u2019s already so sensitive from the first time he came that all it takes is for Yu to roll Yosuke\u2019s balls between two fingers and he\u2019s coming hard, flailing and crying out, \u201cYu!\u201d as his partner doesn\u2019t even flinch, swallowing all of what Yosuke has to give.
Yu crawls up Yosuke\u2019s body and kisses him, hard, and if he hadn\u2019t just come twice, the taste of himself on Yu\u2019s tongue would make him hard all over again.
\u201cNext time,\u201d Yu says, voice low next to Yosuke\u2019s ear, \u201cI hope you\u2019ll let me show you what this can be like without the punishment.\u201d
\u201cMaybe,\u201d Yosuke whispers, unconvincing even to his own ears.
He needs the punishment. He deserves it.
\u201cThink about it,\u201d Yu says at length, standing up and holding out his hand for Yosuke. \u201cFor me.\u201d
For Yu. For his partner. He reaches up and grabs Yu\u2019s hand.
Yosuke deserves the punishment, he\u2019s sure of it, but maybe, if it were for Yu\u2026
Yu doesn\u2019t let go once Yosuke is up, and there\u2019s a moment that is comically awkward after what they just did where they\u2019re just staring into each other\u2019s eyes. For Yu\u2026
Yosuke looks away first.
They dress, they say goodbye as if they aren\u2019t covered in dirt from having sex right there on the banks of the Samegawa, and Yosuke watches as Yu walks away.
When Yu looks back and catches Yosuke watching, Yosuke flushes, trying to pretend like he was doing anything other than watch Yu walk away.
Maybe. Someday soon. He really wants to believe he\u2019s strong enough to face the ugliness inside of himself that makes him the way he is. It\u2019s not fair to Yu. It\u2019s not fair to himself. But life isn\u2019t about fair.
He should stop this. Stop using Yu this way. He knows this, but\u2026
The next time his urges are too much to bear, well, he has no doubt he\u2019ll be calling his partner for some well-deserved punishment.<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/153260.html?view=comments#comments","category":["p4","kink meme"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152876.html","pubDate":"Sat, 13 Oct 2012 20:00:41 GMT","title":"Watch Out P4 Fandom","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152876.html","description":"I'm coming for you. >:D
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152876.html?view=comments#comments","category":["the birth of a new fandom","p4","gonna write all the yosuke fic ever","fandom"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152622.html","pubDate":"Mon, 20 Aug 2012 20:30:06 GMT","title":"WHY THE HIKAGO CHAT IS THE BEST THING EVER, IN THE FORM OF A CONVERSATION","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152622.html","description":"Liz
XDDDDD
Bacon spin is amazing
hostilecrayon
I don't care what the song is, there is not explanation for that spin
NONE
WHO JUST TILTS AND SPINS? IN A MUSIC VIDEO? WHAT THE FUCK
THIS WILL BE SO EMOTIONAL he thought to himself
very
oh god I am dying over here
hostilecrayon
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS LOVE SONG NEEDS? MORE SPINNING
very
yes that's totally his fault; you know the director was trying to talk the editor into taking it out but the editor's like BUT FLATTS SAID HE'D HAVE MY JOB IF I INTERFERED WITH HIS VISION AND I NEED THE HOURS FOR THE UNION
hostilecrayon
IN MY RHINESTONE SHIRT AND COWBOY BOOTS, YES, MAXIMUM EMOTIONAL IMPACT
Liz
stop it, my sides hurt omg
hostilecrayon
And Bieber is all ZOMG RASCAL FLATTS IS SINGING WITH ME *.* LEAVE FLATTS ALONE! HE CAN SPIN IF HE WANTS TO! HE'S TOTES AWESOME, YOU GUISE
very
oh, beebs
hostilecrayon
SRSLY, YOU GUISE, HE'S AMAZING
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HIS VISION, HE HAS TOO MUCH TALENT FOR YOUR SMALL MIND
Liz
CRYING
10:20 PM
hostilecrayon
And then the director is like FUCK IT, THIS IS TAKING HOURS. IT HAS BIEBER IN IT, PEOPLE WILL BUY IT AND WATCH IT AND WEEP LIKE ASSHOLES BECAUSE THEY'RE SO FUCKING STUPID. I HATE MY JOB.
very
Yeah, I think the budget for that video was about forty dollars, including lunch
hostilecrayon
JUST FUCKING ROLL THE TAPE.
No wonder Biebs is so hungry
Liz
I love you both
<3
hostilecrayon
WHAT IS THIS MCDONALDS LUNCH? FUCK IT, BACON SPIN
I NEED A HO HO
THIS IS THE REAL STUFF
GET ME SOME BEANS
WITH A WHOLE LOT OF KETCHUP
ALL HAS BEEN EXPLAINED, YOU GUYS
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152622.html?view=comments#comments","category":["ilu guys","live chat","hikago"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152425.html","pubDate":"Tue, 03 Jul 2012 08:45:00 GMT","title":"CALLING ALL READERS","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152425.html","description":"DEGREES AND I ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING FOR THIS: https:\/\/markdoesstuff.com\/product\/mark-reads--video<\/a>
COMMENTS ARE SCREENED - LINK ME ALL OF THE WORST FANFICTION YOU'VE EVER READ - I PROMISE I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO LINKED ME.
IF YOU GUYS HELP ME FIND A VIDEO FOR MARK TO READ, REMEMBER, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WATCH HIM READ IT!
CHECK OUT HIS HILARIOUS OTHER READINGS HERE: http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/user\/xpanasonicyouthx\/videos<\/a>
SERIOUSLY. WORST FICS EVER. GO.
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152425.html?view=comments#comments","category":["hilarity","mark reads","help"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152103.html","pubDate":"Sun, 01 Jul 2012 15:03:57 GMT","title":"Moments of Rapture - I Entered!","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152103.html","description":"In case you didn't know, the MoR contest entries are up for voting here<\/a>! Somewhere in there, you'll find a story by me - that's right, I finally made it into an MoR contest! Of course, I won't tell you which category or give you any hints at all - what fun would that be? And since Sharon standardizes formatting like scene breaks and other such things that make it easy to find people like me who always use the same formatting, it's going to be tricky! You have to actually know my style to pick me out!
That's what this post is all about! Comments are screened - guess me, get a drabble set in my MoR contest entry's universe! <3
And of course, vote vote vote!
Happy hunting!
EDIT: Also, in the notion of fairness, I won't tell anyone if they're right or wrong until the voting ends. Besides, I can't write in my universe and post it before the voting ends, anyway. =P
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/152103.html?view=comments#comments","category":["writing","drabbles","mor","gw"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/151714.html","pubDate":"Fri, 15 Jun 2012 07:17:32 GMT","title":"Himerus and Eros: Parts I and II","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/151714.html","description":"Title: Himerus and Eros
Author:
Pairings: Waya\/Shindou, Waya\/Isumi, AkiHika
Rating: NC-17
AO3 Tags\/Warnings: Angst, Smut, Rough Sex, Cheating, Fuckbuddies, Unrequited Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship\/Love, Best Friends, Betrayal, Partner Betrayal, Hurt\/Comfort, Love, Falling In Love, Community: blind_go, Minor Violence, Heartbreak
Summary: The first time Waya fools around with Shindou, he figures it's no big deal. After all, he's well aware of Shindou's disturbing level of interest in Touya Akira. They could fool around for a while, and if Touya got his head out of his ass and figured out his feelings for Shindou, no harm, no foul. Then one night, Shindou ups the ante from fooling around to sex, and quite suddenly, all bets are off. Waya wants more, and despite Isumi's concerned advice, Waya is determined to get it.
Unfortunately, he's not the only one after Shindou Hikaru, and despite Waya's ferocity, Touya has the advantage.
Notes: My May 2012
![](\"https:\/\/l-stat.livejournal.net\/img\/community.png?v=556&v=915\")
<\/a>blind_go<\/b><\/a><\/span> entry, and also my first adventure inside Waya's head. Apparently my Waya muse comes smothered in angst. I want to thank the Fabulous Fandom Five, Ver, Very, Liz and Inoru (the fifth would be me, heh), and so many other people helped me in one way or another, like Snarky Llama, Pye, KRIM, Kelkatan and Daisy. Also Qem, who was my constant reminder that Blind Go is an ANONYMOUS contest and that I probably should work on not oozing spoilers every single time I opened my mouth - not by hushing me, but by telling me, with no little amusement, that she usually puts me on her 'not allowed to guess' blacklist during BG, thanks to BG Chat, where I have always said WAY TOO MUCH. I tried really hard not to spoil her, but I'm pretty sure I still failed, heh. Thanks to everyone who had a hand in this, and also all the love in the world for Trixie and Pye, without which, there would be no BG and consequently, no fic to share (even if it IS angsty as all hell). Hikago is the best fandom on the planet, I swear! <3The premise of this fic came from one of those moments when your mind jumps from topic to topic based on bizarre associations that only to you, and talking to Ver about potential stories led me to considering Waya, who I've never really written, and definitely not as the main character, and my mind zipped backwards in time to one of the first (if not actually the first) Hikago fics I ever wrote - a sloppy little drabble called Sweet Surrender where Hikaru can't be with either of the people he loves (Touya and Waya), and he's a complete mess. It comes complete with a line of dialogue that is clearly an awkwardly placed song lyric. *Dies* Though that and this are completely different concepts, you have that shitty little drabble to thank for this monster, heh.
Hopefully, this fic is a hell of a lot better than the one that inspired it - but that's for you to judge. :D
Himerus and Eros<\/b>
Part I: Lust a Prima Vista<\/b>
Waya wasn't stupid, nor was he blind. He knew from the beginning that Shindou had an interest in Touya that transcended all things sane and rational. So when Shindou started casting appraising glances in Waya's direction, he should have ignored him. Instead, when they found themselves putting their shoes on alone, the last to leave for the day, Waya pinned him against the wall and stuck his tongue down his throat.
It didn't have to be a big deal; they could just experiment for a while, and if Touya ever opened his eyes and saw what was right in front of him, well, Shindou could ride off into the proverbial sunset with him, no harm no foul.
And that's how Waya came to be sort-of-but-not-really-dating his best friend.
It started out innocently enough - a few stolen kisses here and there in between their usual insei schedule. Nothing changed between them, and Waya liked it that way. It wasn't until after the Hokuto Cup that Shindou changed everything.
Waya was asleep when the knock came at his door. He tried to ignore it, but it steadily increased in volume until Waya started to worry about the noise waking the neighbors, and he cracked open bleary eyes and glared at the clock. 2:43 glared back at him.
There was another loud knock.
\"I'm coming!\" Waya yelled, groaning loudly as he crawled out of his futon. The peephole proved it was Shindou on the other side. \"I swear to God, if this isn't a matter of life or death, I'll make it one.\"
Then Shindou launched himself at Waya, his hands wandering everywhere at once, kissing him like his life really did depend on it. Waya almost lost himself to it, but he managed to pull back long enough to say, \"I have neighbors!\" He closed the door and Shindou pinned him against it, biting Waya's neck and kneeding at his ass with a desperation Waya hadn't seen in him before.
\"Are you okay?\" Waya moaned, and Shindou bit his shoulder in response. \"Not that I'm complaining or anything, but seriously, what the hell is going on?\"
\"Frustrated,\" Hikaru growled, his fingers fumbling with the button on Waya's cargo pants he hadn't bothered to take off before bed.
Ah. Frustrated he lost. Probably frustrated he couldn't do this with Touya, the ignorant ass.
Shindou finally managed to free him from his pants, and they pooled around his ankles as Shindou dropped to his knees and started blowing him. Waya fisted his hands in Shindou's hair, tugging lightly like Waya knows he likes.
Shindou was good at this, and Waya watched his head bob back and forth before letting his own head thunk back against the door and closing his eyes.
He felt something slip between his legs and his eyes shot open. \"Shindou?\"
\"Let me?\" Shindou replied, his voice huskier than should be possible, and Waya took a deep breath. They'd never done that before. It had always been fast handjobs and blowjobs. They'd just been fooling around until now.
Waya let out his breath slowly and nodded.
Shindou's mouth engulfed him again, one hand stroking his balls and the other slipping a slick finger inside him. Shindou stretched him with one finger, and then two before standing up and dropping his pants. He must have brought lube with him because he was slathering it on his suddenly condom-clad cock and pulling one of Waya's legs up out of his tangled pants, and then he was pushing inside him, pressing him against the door with a growl low in his throat as he filled Waya in a way that made him see stars.
Shindou was still wearing his shirt and their feet were caught in their pants and Waya didn't care<\/i>, he just wanted Shindou to hurry up and move<\/i> already. He bucked his hips and groaned in frustration, and Shindou took the hint, skipping slow and steady and moving straight to trying to fuck him through the door.
Waya's head was knocking against the wood and his fingers were clawing at Shindou's arms and he couldn't believe they hadn't done this before because it felt so much better than a handjob, seriously.
Waya knew he was going to come only seconds before he actually did, spots flashing before his eyes and the heat pooled in his belly exploding out of him with a strangled cry, but Shindou wasn't finished yet, and he pounded into Waya who could do little more than cling to Shindou and ride the residual waves of the most powerful orgasm he'd ever had.
He thought Shindou would never come - how much did he have to wack off to have that much stamina? - and Waya was half hard again and feeling like he might pass out from sensory overload when finally Shindou jerked and shuttered, thrusting erratically until he was fully spent.
Shindou leaned into him and Waya slid down the door to the floor, taking Shindou with him to sit on their half-removed clothes and just focused on breathing for a minute.
\"Holy shit,\" Shindou said shakily, and Waya laughed.
\"You're telling me.\"
When they'd finally caught their breath, they broke apart, trying to sort out their clothes and decide what was salvageable and what had to be washed before it could be worn again. Shindou's shirt was a total loss, having taken the brunt of Waya's orgasm, so he took it off, tossing it in the corner. Shindou bent down to pull up his pants as Waya untwisted his own, and as he removed the condom and tucked away the cock he'd just used to fuck Waya silly, he said, as casually as possible, \"What if Touya never figures it out?\"
Waya stared at his pants, tugging them on half-heartedly. \"Then he's an even bigger idiot than I thought he was. It'll be some kind of record or something.\"
Shindou held out a hand and pulled Waya to his feet so he could get his pants up over his ass. \"No, I mean, what do I do? I've been chasing him for years. I don't know how to do anything else.\"
Waya looked at the man he'd just given his virginity to and said the words that changed everything.
\"You could always be with me.\"
---
After that night, things got complicated.
It's not like they'd come to any real conclusions or anything. Shindou had just smiled softly and said, \"That might be nice,\" and passed out on his couch.
Not exactly a declaration of commitment.
It's not until Waya sees Shindou with Touya that he realizes just how complicated things had become.
They were at a Go event, the three of them sitting together, Shindou in the middle, playing shidougo with the public. It wasn't a big deal at first - they were much too busy for cross-talk - but as the day wound down and the crowd thinned, it didn't take a rocket scientist to see that Shindou couldn't take his eyes off of Touya.
\"You wanna play a game after this?\" Shindou asked Touya, and Waya snorted.
\"We've been playing all day. Don't you want to eat?\"
\"Yeah! Hey Touya, want to play a game at the Ramen shop?\"
\"No ramen,\" Waya and Touya said at the same time, and Waya glared. Not that Touya noticed, being too busy studying his 'eternal rival's' face.
It made Waya feel sick to his stomach.
\"I'd be happy to play with you at a more suitable restaurant, Shindou.\" Then, as an afterthought, Touya added, \"You as well, Waya-san.\"
\"Uh, no thanks. You guys go ahead. I'll get something here.\"
\"Okay,\" Shindou said, \"I'll meet up with you later.\"
Waya watched them walk out side by side, Shindou laughing and smiling and leaning just a little too far into Touya's personal space.
\"You can't keep doing this to yourself,\" Isumi said softly, and Waya jumped.
\"Doing what, exactly?\"
\"I think you know.\" He set a take-out container and a styrofoam cup in front of Waya. \"And take better care of yourself. You're losing weight.\"
\"It's no big deal. I've just been a little more active than usual.\" Isumi frowned softly, but didn't comment. \"Thanks though. For the food, and stuff.\"
\"Anytime. And I mean that. Anytime you need anything, call.\"
Isumi left him with his food, and Waya wondered if he was really that damn obvious.
---
Waya was still in the lobby when Shindou got back. He watched them through the glass, Touya flushing at something Shindou said before they entered.
\"Waya!\" Shindou called out unnecessarily.
\"I'll see you in the morning, Shindou. Waya-san.\" Touya dipped his head politely and walked away.
Shindou stared until Touya disappeared around the corner.
\"So, how was your dinner with lover boy, huh?\" Waya said snidely.
\"Shut up. It's not like that.\" Shindou scowled.
\"Not for lack of trying. If you stared any harder, you'd burn a hole through him.\"
Shindou shot him a scathing look. Then he sighed. \"Yeah, well, obviously the feeling isn't mutual, so what does it matter?\"
Waya snorted. The only obvious thing here was that Shindou was as oblivious as Touya. Not that he was going to tell him that. \"Whatever. I don't know what you see in that guy, anyway.\"
Shindou shook his head. \"Can I stay with you tonight?\"
\"Sure.\"
Ten minutes later, Waya was bent over the bed breathing like an asthmatic without an inhaler.
Shindou always fucked him the hardest on the days he spent with Touya.
---
When Waya woke up, Shindou was already gone. He didn't have to wonder where he went - he knew he was with the New Wave's golden boy, making moony eyes at him that were completely lost on someone with the social skills of a sea slug.
He got up, stretching overworked muscles and wincing a little. He was sorer than usual - they'd gone three rounds before Shindou was satisfied, and he traced the fresh welts from where Shindou had dug his fingers in a little too hard, picking him almost bodily up off the floor to slam Waya back onto his cock over and over again in a way that was almost painful. Waya was half hard just thinking about it.
He decided the world could wait a little longer for his appearance and hopped into the shower. The event was pretty much over anyway, and it's not like anyone was waiting for him. The warm water felt good on his muscles, but he hissed when it hit the scratches from Shindou's blunt nails. At least he'd left a few matching ones on Shindou.
He let the memories of the night before wash over him and tried to forget that it was probably Touya Shindou was imagining when he was fucking him as he wrapped his Go callused hand around his erection and pumped himself roughly, like Shindou would, until he came hard on the shower door with an embarrassing moan.
A few minutes later, he made his way to the lobby to find only Isumi was there.
\"I've been waiting for you,\" Isumi said with a smile. \"You sure took your time.\"
\"Sorry, I didn't think anyone would be waiting... I was taking a shower.\" Isumi levelled a gaze at him that made him feel like Isumi knew that wasn't the whole story, and Waya bit his lip. \"So where is everyone?\"
Sightseeing. I wanted to go with you, so I stayed behind.\"
\"You did?\" Waya said, dumbfounded.
\"You mentioned wanting to see the memorial shrine here a while back, and I was thinking we could go together and have lunch there.\"
\"Uh, yeah, that sounds great. I can't believe you remember that, though.\" Waya rubbed the back of his neck. He felt stupid; the guy he was sleeping with - well, having sex with, since Shindou never slept in the same bed with him after - had left without him while Isumi had not only waited for him but planned an outing based on a throw-away comment he'd made months ago.
He was pretty sure that spoke volumes on the state of his relationship with Shindou, but he didn't want to think too hard about what that was, exactly.
They walked along in a comfortable silence, a nice change from Shindou's constant babbling. Ironically, the only time Shindou was silent was in bed. Waya snorted.
\"Thinking about something funny?\" Isumi asked, spreading out the blanket he'd brought for them to sit on.
\"Not exactly.\"
Isumi was quiet as he distributed the styrofoam containers, and he took a few bites of his food before saying, \"You know, this thing you have with Shindou is killing you.\"
Waya stared at him with wide eyes. \"What do you mean?\"
\"I've known you a long time. We might not be as close as we used to be, but I see the way you look at Shindou. And I know you can see that he's too busy looking at Touya to see it,\" he said softly.
Waya looked away. \"Does everybody know?\"
\"I can't speak for the others, but I've seen him sneaking out of your room in the wee hours of the morning every time we travel for events.\" Isumi gave him a sidelong glance, his expression unreadable.
Waya wanted to deny it, and even opened his mouth to do so, but all that came out was a resigned, \"Yeah.\"
\"I don't claim to know exactly what is happening between you two, but you have to know that he's using you.\"
\"It's not like that!\" Waya denied. \"It's a mutual agreement.\"
\"Is it?\" Isumi asked, clearly of a different opinion.
\"He never lied to me or anything. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into.\"
\"Maybe. But something changed for you that didn't for him, and if you're not careful, it's going to destroy you.\"
Waya scrubbed a hand over his face. \"Look, I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I can handle it.\"
Isumi sighed. \"I hope so.\"
The rest of the afternoon was much less comfortable than before.
As soon as they got back, Waya waited for something to distract Shindou from the Shindou magnet, and as soon as one of the event organizers came over to ask him for one final favor, Waya cornered Touya.
\"Waya-san.\" Touya greeted neutrally.
\"Shut up.\" Touya's eyes widened, but he did as he was told, probably more out of shock than anything.
\"Between you and Shindou, I'm not sure who the bigger idiot is. No, I take that back. It's definitely you.\"
Touya's eyes narrowed, some of that inflated ego coming back to him as the shock faded. \"Who do you think you are?\"
\"I think I'm the one getting the raw end of the deal here, that's who. I shouldn't have to spell it out for you, and I won't. But if you don't get your head out of your ass soon, it'll be too fucking late, because I'm here, and I'm willing, and I'm not going to live in your shadow forever. Figure it out, or don't. Whatever. One of these days, he's going to get tired of waiting, and when he does, you'll realize just how big of a fucking idiot you are. Genius my ass.\"
Touya made some kind of movement, either to stop him or maybe punch him in the face, but Waya was already halfway across the room, resolutely not looking at Shindou or Isumi, both of whom stared at him as he stalked out of the room.
That night was the first night since this whole thing started that Waya refused to open the door for Shindou; not even when he knocked so loud the hotel personnel asked him to either be quiet or leave.
Waya listened to him go and spent the rest of the night staring into the dark.
---
\"Open up, Waya.\"
Shindou had been sitting on the front step of Waya's apartment for a half an hour. Waya was trying to will him away, but it wasn't working.
\"Come on, you're my best friend.\"
Waya snorted. \"Are you in the habit of sleeping with your best friends?\"
\"Well, since you're my only best friend, I guess I am.\"
It sounded like Shindou was leaning against the door, so Waya did the same on the other side. \"Just go away, Shindou.\"
\"I don't have any games for two days. I'm not going anywhere until you let me in.\"
\"I guess it's going to be a long couple of days, then.\"
He felt more than heard Shindou lean his head back against the door. \"What do you want, Shindou?\"
\"I don't know what's going on anymore. I thought I had it all figured out, but now...\"
\"Had it all figured out? You?\" Waya laughed. \"You couldn't find your way out of a paper bag if you had a map.\"
\"I'm being serious here, Waya.\"
\"So am I.\"
\"I don't know what you said to Touya but he's been acting really weird and he's not returning my phone calls, and you won't even let me in. It's all a big mess.\"
\"I suppose you think this is all my fault, too.\"
Waya thought he could hear a sigh through the door. \"As easy as it would be to blame you, this is my fault. I guess it's kinda always been my fault.\" He sounded like he'd just lost the most important game in his life; like he did when he'd quit Go, and Waya scrubbed a hand over his face, kind of wishing he'd never answered Shindou in the first place.
\"I was the one who kissed you first if I remember correctly.\"
Shindou said nothing, and with a monstrous sigh, Waya got up and opened the door, causing Shindou to fall flat on his back. Waya stared down at him. \"Come on, get up so I can close the door. I think we've given my neighbors enough to talk about today.\"
When Shindou didn't immediately get up, Waya rolled his eyes and held out his hand. Shindou reluctantly took it, and Waya hauled him up and inside so he could at least close the damn door.
Once he had Shindou on the couch, he took a moment to really look at him. He looked like shit. His hair was wild and a little greasy, his eyes looked bruised from lack of sleep and he was hunched in on himself, not meeting Waya's eyes. He looked lost.
Waya knew a little bit about how it felt to be lost.
\"Look, this can wait. Why don't you take a shower and get some sleep? We can sort this shit out in the morning.\"
Shindou just stared at the carpet. \"I didn't mean to hurt you, you know.\"
\"Yeah, I know. That's why I haven't punched you in the face. I knew the deal. I just ended up wanting more, I guess. Now go take a shower before you stink up my couch.\"
Waya sat, listening to the sound of the running water and trying not to think about anything.
When Shindou returned, dripping wet in only his pants, Waya got up to get a blanket. He threw it on Shindou, who was just sitting there staring at the ground, and told him to get some sleep before retiring to his futon.
Thirty minutes later, Shindou was standing over him, looking at him through his bangs with hollow eyes.
\"Make love to me.\"
And what could he say to that? He pulled him down onto the futon with him and just went with it.
It was the first time Waya had done this, but he just mimicked what Shindou would do, kissing him as he stretched him open, nipping at his bottom lip and sucking at his neck. Their rule was no marks above the shirtline, but Waya didn't care; he was making Shindou his<\/i>, and screw what anyone thought of that.
Then he pulled Shindou's legs up to hook over his shoulders and proceeded to fuck him into the matress. Shindou bucked and flailed and cried out, Waya's name on his lips, and something exploded in his chest as he emptied himself in Shindou, collapsing on him to keep him from leaving. But Shindou seemed content to just lay there, his face pressed against Waya's, staring off into space.
So much for sorting things out in the morning.
Waya rolled off of Shindou, and Shindou moved to lay with him, pressing his warm body to Waya's, an arm slung over him and his head on his chest. \"I don't know if I can let him go, but I think maybe I should.\"
Waya grunted, thinking they really needed to stop talking about Touya after sex, and curled his arm possessively around Shindou. \"Try to get some sleep.\"
As Shindou drifted off to sleep, Waya couldn't help but think that the only possible way this could end is badly.
---
They never did talk about it after that, but with Touya avoiding Shindou, he was spending all of his free time with Waya, and Waya thought that just maybe that could be enough for him.
Touya might have been avoiding Shindou so much because he'd seen the hickey Waya had left on him, but he was okay with that. If he couldn't get it together, he didn't deserve to have Shindou, anyway.
\"I don't want to wait anymore,\" Shindou said one night after a particularly vigorous round of sex.
\"So don't,\" Waya said simply, and Shindou weaved their fingers together. It felt like the most intimate gesture they'd ever shared. Waya smiled.
At some god-awful hour of the morning, Shindou's cell started to ring. Waya ignored it, but then it rang again and again, and finally Waya picked it up and looked at the display as Shindou snored softly.
It was Touya.
Waya flipped it open.
\"Shindou? Are you there? We need to talk.\"
\"You're too late,\" Waya hissed, and flipped the phone closed again.
He looked down at Shindou's sleeping face and knew his days were numbered.
Shindou's eyes fluttered open.
\"Hey.\"
\"Hey.\"
\"...Touya called.\"
Shindou blinked owlishly up at him before rolling onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. \"What did he want?\"
\"I didn't ask.\"
\"Oh.\"
\"Are you going to call him back?\"
\"...No.\"
\"You want some breakfast? I could order something.\"
Shindou shook his head, tugging on Waya's arm and pulling him down. \"Just... lay with me for a while?\"
\"Yeah, sure.\" Shindou wrapped himself around Waya like a man drowning, and Waya felt like he just might drown with him.
If there were unshed tears in Shindou's eyes, well, he pretended not to see them through his own.
---
It wasn't long before Touya cornered Shindou. Waya wasn't surprised; not really. He was surprised when things between them continued as usual, though. He wasn't sure what was said, and he didn't really want to know. Shindou resumed his weekly games with Touya and still came over to fuck him into oblivion afterwards, and that was all the information he needed.
Still, Waya couldn't help but watch closely when they were together.
At the awards ceremony that year, Touya was once again receiving some award to stroke his already massive ego, and Waya would have just not gone if it wasn't expected of him. Instead, he was standing next to Shindou, watching as he tried not to stare at Touya.
Touya walked up to the podium to accept his award, his gaze locked on Shindou, and in a moment of daring, Waya slipped his hand into Shindou's. Shock washed over Touya's face, but Waya was more interested in Shindou's reaction.
Shindou bit his lip, looked from their joined hands to Waya with an unreadable expression and looked back at Touya. He shifted uncomfortably, but didn't take his hand back, and Waya held on tight, not letting go until Touya had left the podium. He could feel Touya's calculating gaze from across the room and Waya locked eyes with him.
Touya looked away first, bolting from the room. Shindou's mouth opened and he twitched like he might call out to him or chase him down or something, but he didn't, a dark cloud taking up residence on his face as he turned back towards the front.
He caught Isumi's disapproving look, but he didn't want to deal with it just then, and he tugged the brooding Shindou out of the room and down the never-used steps, pressing him against the wall to kiss him silly.
Shindou kissed back desperately, and Waya let his hands roam, snaking one down into Shindou's pants to grasp at his half-hard cock, stroking it to full mast right there between floors, scraping his teeth down Shindou's neck as Shindou bucked against him, fucking Waya's hand like a man at the end of his rope.
There was a gasp that didn't belong, and they both turned to look at the unwitting voyeur. Touya, his eyes puffy and red, was staring with wide eyed shock. \"I-I'm sorry, I just-\" his voice broke and he fled.
\"Touya!\" Shindou yelled, but Waya pushed him against the wall, hard.
\"You're mine now, damn it. You can't just go running off after Touya every time he realizes he fucked up.\"
\"I know.\" Shindou stared at the spot where Touya had been and Waya sighed, moving to take his hand out of Shindou's pants. \"No, don't stop,\" he pleaded, his eyes dark and distant.
Waya jerked him off hard and fast, pulling Shindou back into the here and now with Waya. Shindou's sharp cry echoed through the stairwell, and Waya took back his hand, wiping it unceremoniously on his pants.
Shindou's hands fluttered towards Waya's waist. \"Do you want-\"
\"No. Let's just go, okay?\"
Shindou glanced at the spot where Touya had been and said, \"Yeah.\"
At the top of the stairs, Isumi looked at Waya knowingly, and Waya took Shindou's hand defiantly, leading a docile Shindou out of that cursed building and back to his place where there were no Touyas or Isumis to make Waya want to sink through the floor.
---
It happened a week later. Waya had gone to the Go Institute to watch Isumi's game with Ashiwara, and as the match hall emptied and he walked to the elevator, he heard it. It was low and sensual, and there was no mistaking it.
\"Tou... ya...\"
Waya stopped dead. Isumi's hand came down on his shoulder, but he broke away, throwing open the closest door, and his heart dropped out of his chest.
There was Shindou, eyes glazed over, head thrown back, his hands bracing himself on the table behind him, his fly open but his pants on like he couldn't even stop to pull them down. And kneeling in front of him was Touya, his tongue wrapped around the cock that had fucked Waya the night before.
\"I can see I'm interrupting,\" he said darkly, turning and taking long strides towards the elevator.
Shindou practically knocked Touya over, everyone staring as he ran after Waya, zipping his pants as he went. \"Waya, wait!\"
Time skipped, and suddenly Shindou was staring up at him from the ground, his eyes wide and watering. Waya's right hand was on the left side of his body, his knuckles and eyes stinging. Touya was peering down the hallway, looking like he might want to gather Shindou up but knowing better. Everyone from the match hall had come out to see what the commotion was about.
You could hear a pin drop.
\"You know what, fuck it. You're not worth it.\"
He punched the elevator button harshly, willing the doors to open.
\"You two are a couple of real assholes, you know that?\" It was Isumi's voice, low and dark like Waya had never heard it before, and then the doors opened and Isumi was sliding into behind him and pressing the close door button.
\"Feel better?\"
\"No.\"
\"You guys definitely gave the institute something to talk about.\"
Waya snorted.
\"Want to come back to my place? I'll make food and we can watch cheesy b-movies.\"
\"Thanks, but I kinda want to be alone right now.\"
\"It's an open offer, if you change your mind.\"
\"Thanks.\"
The doors slid open and Waya fled.
---
Outside of his games, Waya stayed home. Shindou didn't come by to try to explain himself, and Waya wasn't sure if it was because he was afraid to or if he was just too busy making up for lost time with Touya. Not that it mattered. Waya could still hear the emotion in Shindou's voice when he'd said Touya's name.
It was something he'd never heard when Shindou had been with him.
Fucking Shindou. He should have never gotten involved with him in the first place. And now Touya had something else to feed his disgusting ego. In the end, he got everything and left Waya with nothing.
He sees them in his mind, fitting together perfectly in a way that leaves no room for him, and he hates them for it. He kinda regrets hitting Shindou in the same way that he regrets not hitting Touya.
He saw Shindou for the first time at an Ootei match. They were seated a few rows apart, but it wasn't too far to see his split lip, which was still swollen and red even eight days later. Shindou kept stealing glances at him, and it throws Waya off. In the end, they both lose to opponents that should have been easy prey.
Shindou was standing next to the door, looking like he couldn't decide if he should wait or just run the hell away. Waya wasn't going to just stand around in the game room hoping he would go away, so with an inward sigh, he strode towards the door with every intention of walking right by Shindou without a word.
He made it to the hallway before Shindou found the guts to call out to him. \"Waya!\" He approached him, but this time he left a moderate amount of space between them. \"Waya, I-\"
\"Where's your boyfriend?\" Waya cut in smoothly.
\"What?\"
\"I said, where's Touya?\"
\"...I'm not seeing Touya.\"
For some reason, that made Waya angrier. \"Why the fuck not? You were more than willing to fuck his mouth right here in the Go Institute. Is that all you want? A warm hole for your dick?\"
Shindou turned red. \"I wanted to sort things out with you.\"
\"Things are as sorted as they're going to get, Shindou. You two fucking deserve each other.\"
\"That's not-\"
\"What, Shindou? That's not what? Fair? Let me tell you a little something about fair. I have a picture of you with your cock in Touya's mouth burned eternally into my mind. How's that for fair?\"
Shindou couldn't meet his eyes and instead stared at the floor. \"I'm sorry. I want to fix it, but I don't know how. You're my best friend, Waya.\"
\"I was your best friend.\" Waya turned to leave, and Shindou tried to stop him with a hand on his arm. Waya ripped it viciously from his grasp. \"Don't fucking touch me. You don't have that right anymore.\"
\"Waya, please, I'm sorry, I-\"
\"I hate you, Shindou.\"
Tears gathered in Shindou's eyes and Waya walked away before he could see them fall.
Even after everything, he didn't want to see Shindou cry.
---
Waya couldn't just hide out in his apartment forever, so eventually he cleaned up the mountains of take-out containers and started actually going out for things again. He still wasn't seeing anyone - he had no desire to spend any time with people - but he was picking things up instead of getting them delivered, and he finally went to his mom's to do his laundry. Which was a good thing; he was starting to smell.
He played a few low pressure games of Go at a random Go Salon, and it helped calm his nerves a bit, which seemed to be permanently frayed.
He avoided his usual places and just stuck to the outskirts of the city where he didn't know anyone, which is why it blindsided him so badly when he saw them.
They were standing outside of a shop, looking in the window and contemplating going in. Touya had his arm linked with Shindou's, and they were both smiling softly. They were beautiful, like there was no other possible outcome that didn't involve one with the other. They looked right together, and Waya almost lost his lunch right there on the sidewalk.
They went inside, too wrapped up in each other to even notice he was there. He really had never had a chance.
He pulled out his cell phone right then and there, his mouth dry and his stomach in knots.
\"Isumi? Is your offer still good? ...I could really use a friend right now.\"
Isumi didn't ask any questions; just quietly made popcorn and popped in some epic alien B-movie and sat down on the couch. Isumi laughed for Waya at all the bad special effects, and somehow by the end of the movie, Waya was leaning against Isumi and crying like he hadn't since he was a child.
Isumi held onto him through the credits and into the silence.
\"It hurts so much. How could he do that to me?\" he whispered, and Isumi stroked his hair and squeezed him tight when the tears turned into sobs.
Waya fisted Isumi's shirt and just let everything that he had been bottling up go. He couldn't have held it in if he tried.
Finally, he pulled back slowly, rubbing his nose and eyes and feeling seriously stupid. \"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.\"
\"Don't you dare apologize. You needed that, and I'm glad you felt you could come to me.\" Waya met his eyes and could only see a melancholy fondness there; a real concern for him with no other motives behind it. It almost made Waya cry again. \"So how about we try a movie that doesn't suck so much?\"
A small smile began to blossom on his face. \"Yeah, I'd like that.\"
Isumi changed the disks and Waya leaned lightly into Isumi, feeling for the first time since everything happened that just maybe, things would be okay.
---
Part II: Aim Snap Fall<\/b>
\"So, what do we have planned for today?\"
\"I was thinking we could try out the new Smash Brothers.\"
Waya raised an eyebrow. \"I didn't know you owned any game consoles.\"
Isumi shrugged. \"Since you're here so often, I figured I may as well get one. I know you like them.\"
Waya looked at him with wide eyes. \"You didn't have to do that.\"
Isumi smiled. \"I know. I wanted to.\"
Waya flushed slightly. \"I don't know what to say.\"
\"Say you're going to teach me how to play, because honestly, I don't have a clue.\"
Waya laughed. \"Sure.\"
And so it went that most days Waya found himself with Isumi. He'd somehow forgotten how well they got along, and though he still hurt, the smile came easier with Isumi.
\"Hey, you wanna go to the movies with me? There's this new zombie flick I've been wanting to see.\"
\"Zombies, huh?\" Isumi mused. \"I hope it's better than the last one I saw.\"
\"Pfft. It has zombies. What more could you need?\"
Isumi rolled his eyes. \"Plot would be nice.\"
Waya grinned. \"Plot's overrated.\"
\"Says you.\"
\"So, you wanna?\"
\"Wouldn't miss it for the world.\"
Isumi was like that, always willing to do whatever silly thing Waya thought up. It was fun. Comfortable. Waya felt like Isumi wanted him around just for the company. It was a good feeling.
And if he found himself looking forward to days spent with Isumi, he didn't find it strange. It just was; the natural progression of things.
It was a day like any other, the two of them watching TV on the couch, when Waya first noticed.
He felt different. Everything was the same; the same Isumi, the same inane discussion on the merits of a transporter versus the potential risks, and yet...
He wanted to be closer to Isumi.
He missed his conversational cue as butterflies took up residence inside him, and Isumi gave him a sidelong glance. \"You alright?\"
\"Yeah. Just hungry, I think.\" It was the only thing he could think of on the spot, though he was pretty sure he couldn't eat if his life depended on it.
Isumi looked at the clock, and Waya tried not to stare at the way his hair fell just so across his face. What the hell was wrong with him?
\"It is getting pretty late. Should I order something? We haven't had Chinese in a while.\"
\"What? Yeah, that's fine.\"
\"You sure you're feeling okay?\"
\"Yeah, I'm good.\"
Isumi went into the kitchen to get the number off the fridge and Waya tried not to think about how he suddenly wanted to know how Isumi's hair would feel if he threaded his fingers through it.
As the days went by, the feeling got stronger. On some days, he found it difficult to talk to Isumi without flushing slightly. On others, it was difficult to keep from sitting a little too close.
He wasn't stupid; he had a pretty good idea what was happening. He just wasn't sure what to do about it. Or if he should do anything at all.
It hadn't worked out so well for him last time. He didn't want to lose Isumi like he had Shindou.
Two months later and he still hadn't spoken to Shindou. He'd seen him at the Institute, stealing surreptitious glances at him, but Waya didn't feel ready to deal with him yet. He wasn't sure if he ever would be, really. The look of hurt on Shindou's face still made him too sad and angry for anything coherent to come out, anyway.
No, he didn't want to take that chance with Isumi. He was too important to him to risk it.
---
Waya tried, he really did, to keep an emotional distance from Isumi while still hanging out with him, but as the days went by, he felt more and more drawn to him. It didn't help that Isumi seemed to have endless amounts of time for him, or that he was always going out of his way to come up with stuff for them to do.
It was at the roller rink when his resolve went out the window.
Waya wasn't all that good at roller skating, so it was just a matter of time before he was barreling towards the wall, unable to stop. Isumi, surprisingly agile on his roller blades, came to his rescue, grabbing his hand to steer him away from his crash course and on a safer path.
Then he just never let go.
Waya looked down at their joined hands and felt a warmth spread through him. Waya tugged on Isumi's hand, making them spin, other skaters shooting him annoyed looks as they went around the new road block. They came to a stop only inches apart, Waya looking up into Isumi's smiling eyes, and with a start he realized there was a quiet longing there that he hadn't noticed before, but now that he did, he could see it in his memories of him for as far back as he could remember.
With a soft smile, Waya started moving again, pulling Isumi along with him.
\"Don't let go, okay? I don't want to crash.\"
\"I won't let you.\"
They skated together like that until the place closed.
---
The day Waya was dreading dawned earlier than he would have liked, but he found it was impossible to go back to sleep.
He got dressed and stood around in his apartment until the nature of the day made the memories of that place unbearable and he headed to the institute two hours early.
Isumi had a game, too, and was already there waiting for him.
\"You're here early.\"
\"I thought you might have some trouble sleeping, so I thought I'd keep you company.\"
Waya offered him a tentative smile. \"Thanks.\"
\"Doing okay?\"
\"Yeah. I mean, it's just a game, right?\"
Isumi's look told him just what he thought about that.
\"Yeah, okay, maybe not.\"
They moved into the game room, starting up a game of their own to pass the time. It was familiar and it took his mind off of the next opponent he would face. He was surprised to find it was almost time for the official matches when they entered yose.
He hadn't noticed during the game, but now he could clearly see Shindou hovering by the match board, trying for all the world to look like he was supremely interested in the match ups. Waya sighed and Isumi stood up, putting a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
Then it was coming down to the starting time, and with a squeeze, Isumi retracted his hand and moved to his own board. Shindou walked like a man on his way to the gallows, looking everywhere but at Waya. He dropped into seiza, his knuckles white from his deathgrip on his fan, and stared at the board.
Waya sighed much more forcefully this time. \"You can look at me, you know. I'm not going to hit you or anything.\"
\"You sure?\" Shindou said, but he looked up anyway.
\"Yeah. Though I can't say the same for Touya.\"
\"Listen-\"
Waya shook his head. \"This isn't the time.\"
Shindou bit his lip, and Waya noticed the faint scar there. \"...Will it ever be the time?\"
\"I don't know. Probably. It's just-\"
He felt like Shindou was staring right into him. \"That you hate me?\"
\"I don't hate you, alright? God, I'm not doing this now.\"
Shindou nodded, dropping his gaze to the board. The bell rang and they started their game.
The opening moves were standard and passed without any oddities. It was when they moved into chuuban that he could feel Shindou's hesitation in each hand, and Waya pushed hard against his weak stones, breaking Shindou's formations before he could make them.
He had thought this game would be difficult, but it wasn't. Before they ever got to yose, Shindou was forced to resign. Waya felt just a little smug.
Waya was about to get up to mark his win when Shindou said, \"Thank you for the game. And for a whole hell of a lot more.\"
\"Thank you for the game,\" Waya murmured.
By the time he'd stamped his win, Shindou was gone.
\"How did it go?\" Isumi asked when his game was finished.
\"I won.\"
Isumi just looked at him.
\"Not horribly, I guess.\"
\"Are you ever going to forgive him?\"
\"Yeah. Maybe. I don't know.\"
\"You have every right not to,\" Isumi said, but it sounded to Waya like he thought he should.
\"I probably won't forgive Touya,\" he muttered darkly. \"But Shindou...\"
\"Is your best friend.\"
\"Was. Was my best friend.\"
The look on his face said he wasn't so sure about that, but then he slipped his hand in Waya's, right there in front of God and everybody, and Waya let himself be led out of the building, arguing the last thing on his mind.
---
\"So, what is this we're doing?\"
\"...Playing a racing game?\"
They were sitting on the couch, Waya leaning against Isumi, and he motioned to their bodies, causing his car to wreck.
\"This, I mean.\"
Isumi set down his controller to give Waya his full attention. \"What do you want it to mean?\"
\"Something. I want it to mean something. And not just to me.\"
The gaze Isumi levelled at him made his cheeks feel hot. \"It does. And not just to you.\"
\"I found out the hard way that it's important to be clear, and I want this. I really want this. But...\"
\"Waya.\" Isumi covered his hand with his. \"I've wanted this for a long time. But I don't want to push you. I know that you're scared, and I'm willing to wait. Even if it never goes beyond what we have now, I'll be happy. One thing you never have to worry about is my sincerity. You had that long before this,\" he squeezed Waya's hand, \"ever started.\"
The butterflies morphed into something bigger and he swallowed, his tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth. \"Can I kiss you?\"
Isumi inclined his head ever so slightly, and Waya brought shaking fingers up to slide across Isumi's face, the tips flirting with his hairline. He leaned in and Isumi met him halfway, gently pressing their lips together in a way that was unfamiliar to Waya. There was no haste or uncontrollable lust there, but it made his chest tight and his body tremble, and he went ahead and slipped his fingers into Isumi's hair just to feel the soft strands against his skin.
Waya ran his tongue across Isumi's lips, and Isumi let him inside, lightly caressing Waya's tongue with his own. He felt a familiar warmth spark to life in his gut, and suddenly his hands were everywhere, pulling at Isumi's shirt as he grinded against him.
\"Waya...\" Isumi said, and Waya trailed his teeth over Isumi's jaw line and down to his neck.
\"Waya,\" Isumi said more forcefully this time, gently pushing him back so he could look at him.
\"But I thought you wanted-\"
\"I do. I want this - I want you - but I think we're moving too fast. Just being here with you is enough.\"
Waya looked away. \"I don't know any other way to show you how I feel.\"
\"Just be here with me. If we jump right into bed, you might regret it, and I don't want you to regret anything about this.\"
\"Isumi...\"
Isumi pulled him close, and Waya just held on, feeling lost.
---
After that, there were kisses - lots of kisses - but it didn't go further than that, and Waya knew that Isumi was right, that he wasn't ready, and the fact that Isumi realized that meant more than he knew how to say.
And damn it, if he didn\u2019t stop running into Shindou every-freaking-where, he was seriously going to break something. Preferably Touya\u2019s face. No matter where he went, there he was, lurking in the corner, trying to look like he wasn\u2019t looking. But he damn well was looking, and most of the time, it made Waya want to scream in frustration, or maybe track down Touya and put his size ten Vans through his skull or something equally gruesome. He was seriously starting to think Shindou was stalking him, which he totally wouldn\u2019t put past him at all<\/i>, the crazy bastard.
Sometimes though, he feels a pang of longing, because damn it, this thing with Isumi was still new and confusing, and he could really use a best friend to talk about it with. A couple of times, he even has to remind himself that he didn\u2019t have a best friend anymore when he sees Shindou\u2019s miserable face trying hard not to stare.
All in all, aside from the Isumi thing, Waya thought this was a pretty shitty situation to be in.
And then, and then<\/i>, of all the fucking things that could have happened, the most unthinkable thing in the world came to pass.
Touya Akira actually had the balls to approach him.
\u201cWhat. The fuck. Do you think. You\u2019re doing?\u201d Waya said, gnashing his teeth so hard, he\u2019s kind of concerned he might break one of them.
Touya flushed a deep purple, but he didn\u2019t back down, and Waya could feel himself involuntarily squeezing his hands into fists. Maybe he could give Touya a scar to match Shindou\u2019s\u2026
\u201cPlease forgive Shindou!\u201d Touya suddenly blurted, and though it was more or less what he\u2019d expected, the strain in his voice takes him a little by surprise.
\u201cWhat I do or don\u2019t do is no business of yours,\u201d Waya snapped, and Touya dropped his eyes, staring at the tile in front of Waya\u2019s feet.
\u201cI\u2019ve never seen him this miserable. Except\u2026\u201d Touya said softly, breaking off at the end there, but there was no doubt about what he was referring to.
\u201cWhat the fuck do you care, anyway? This shit is pretty much all your fucking fault.\u201d
\u201cI know.\u201d There was shame in his voice, and when he looked up at Waya, his eyes glinted oddly, like he might just cry. \u201cI\u2019m the one who pushed him to do more than he wanted that day, so forgive Shindou!\u201d
\u201cIt doesn\u2019t fucking matter who did what, you know. What matters is that he did it, and he fucking did it to me, and I thought he was my best god damned friend. He could have just fucking told me, and I\u2019d have let him go. It\u2019s not like anyone in the whole god damned world really expected that he\u2019d end up with me instead of you.\u201d Waya was using his hands to talk angrily, and he really had no idea why he was telling Touya any of this, except that he had kinda needed to get it off his chest for a long time, and Touya was there, forcing him to think about it, so Touya was going to listen whether he wanted to or not<\/i>, because he owed him so much that if he tried for the rest of his miserable life, he\u2019d never be able to break even.
\u201cIt just\u2026 hurts to see him in so much pain,\u201d Touya whispered, almost to himself, and Waya just about loses it, because if Touya wants to talk about pain, he\u2019ll fucking show him pain, and because he just wants to be upset with Shindou without thinking about what that means, and Touya was making that real damn hard just then.
Magically, he managed to keep himself from knocking Touya\u2019s teeth out or something, and managed to bite out, \u201cGo the fuck home, Touya.\u201d
Touya looked like he might just be stubborn about it, but his eyes drifted to Waya\u2019s clenched fists and thought better of it, bowing to him so deep, Waya thought his nose might just be touching the ground. \u201cI am deeply sorry for everything.\u201d
Waya actually cocked his fist back at that, but Touya was apparently smart enough to know to run after that, so Waya punched the wall instead. Then he kinda felt like a lunatic, since he was in a hallway at the Go Institute, and he really, really didn\u2019t need to give anyone anything else to talk about.
---
\u201cWhy would he come talk to me? Why?\u201d
\u201cFor the sixth time, I have no idea,\u201d Isumi replied, trying hard to hide an amused smile.
\u201cDon\u2019t laugh,\u201d Waya grumbled.
\u201cI\u2019m not laughing,\u201d Isumi said with a smile. \u201cBut you\u2019re being just a little melodramatic, don\u2019t you think?\u201d
\u201cNo,\u201d Waya huffed, laying his head on Isumi\u2019s shoulder. \u201cI shouldn\u2019t have to see him.\u201d
Isumi snorted. \u201cYou work together.\u201d
\u201cYeah, we should force him to quit or something.\u201d
\u201cYou\u2019re cute when you\u2019re indignant.\u201d Waya blushed, and Isumi tilted his head up gently to kiss him.
\u201cHe\u2019s not going to go away, is he?\u201d Waya said dejectedly once they broke.
\u201cNo, he\u2019s not. Neither is Shindou. You\u2019ll have to figure things out with those two eventually.\u201d Isumi ran soothing fingers up Waya\u2019s back. After a moment of just sitting together like that, Isumi ventured, \u201cIs it really still that bad?\u201d
\u201cNo. Maybe. I don\u2019t know. I don\u2019t really think about it like I used to. I mean, it\u2019s not like I still want Shindou.\u201d Waya flushed. \u201cI\u2026 I have you.\u201d
Isumi clutched Waya closer to him, sighing into his hair. \u201cYou do.\u201d
Waya let out an explosive breath. \u201cIt\u2019s more than that. You\u2019re<\/i> more than that. I\u2026 I\u2026\u201d
Isumi made a soothing hushing sound. \u201cI know. It\u2019s okay. There\u2019s no need to explain yourself.\u201d
Waya\u2019s heart lurched in his chest. \u201cI think maybe I should lie down. I\u2019m exhausted.\u201d
\u201cYou can use my bed.\u201d A pause. \u201cDid you want me to come with you?\u201d
Waya was ready to say no, that he really just needed to rest a little, but what actually came out of his mouth was, \u201cYeah. I\u2019d really like that.\u201d
Isumi linked their hands together and led them to the bedroom, pulling back the blankets and sliding into the bed, scooting back to make room for Waya. They laid together in the middle of the bed and just held each other for a while. Waya thought he\u2019d feel like they should be doing more, but he didn\u2019t. He felt comfortable. Safe.
The tension bled out of Waya with each of the small circles Isumi rubbed into his back, and slowly, his breathing evened out and he fell asleep.
---
Waya closed the door behind him and tossed his keys into the bowl next to the door with Isumi\u2019s, turning to take in the rearranged living room. Isumi was arranging a blanket of some sort when Waya realized it was part of something bigger. \u201cHey, when did you get a kotatsu?\u201d
\u201cI just got it today. It\u2019s starting to get cold, so I figured we could use one.\u201d Isumi was fighting with the blankets, and Waya moved in to help, bumping shoulders with him as they worked to flatten it out.
\u201cNow all we have to do is test it out,\u201d Waya said with a grin.
Isumi smiled back. \u201cYeah, I guess so.\u201d
A flat goban was produced from a closet and perched precariously on the edge of the table portion of the kotatsu, and Waya and Isumi crawled under the blanket side by side, a goke on either side of them. It was awkward \u2013 they had to lean forward and stretch to place their stones \u2013 but it was warm and amicable, and Waya felt more at home here than he could ever remember feeling.
Home. It was a strange thought. He\u2019d thought his little apartment was a home, but really, he\u2019d still been living partly with his parents \u2013 doing his laundry there and grabbing meals whenever he had the chance. Being here with Isumi was different. Special, somehow. He used to look forward to going home to his own place, but now it just felt empty, like a hotel room he\u2019d been living out of for much too long.
\u201cWe should move in together,\u201d Waya blurted out, and Isumi\u2019s eyes went wide. \u201cI mean, you know, I\u2019m always here anyway and\u2026 I just, maybe we could think about it?\u201d
\u201cThat\u2019s a big step,\u201d Isumi murmured, his voice giving nothing away despite his initial shock.
\u201cI know, you\u2019re right, it\u2019s too soon. Forget I said anything,\u201d Waya mumbled, staring at the board with blank eyes and red cheeks.
Isumi shook his head. \u201cThat\u2019s not what I meant.\u201d
Waya turned to blink owlishly at Isumi. \u201cWhat?\u201d
Isumi\u2019s hand cupped Waya\u2019s cheek, and when their eyes met, the depth of the concern Waya found there was like a physical blow. \u201cI was going to ask you if you were sure, because there is nothing I want more. I just can\u2019t trust my own judgment on this. I want it too much.\u201d
Waya kissed him, long and hard and full of the overwhelming feeling swelling in his chest until he had no choice but to stop to gasp for air. His mind raced, trying to put that feeling to words, but it remained elusive, swirling and raging and storming inside of him. So instead, he simply said, \u201cMe too.\u201d
Waya stayed over that night, clinging to Isumi right there on the floor, warmed by the kotatsu and their shared body heat.
In the morning, Waya went home to pack.
TBC in Part III: This is for Keeps<\/b><\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>. Comment wherever you want!<\/small><\/span>","comments":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/151714.html?view=comments#comments","category":["himerus and eros","writing","hikago","blind go"]},{"guid":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/151508.html","pubDate":"Fri, 15 Jun 2012 04:08:16 GMT","title":"Close Encounters (or Third Time's The Charm)","author":"hostilecrayon","link":"https:\/\/hostilecrayon.livejournal.com\/151508.html","description":"I wrote this ages ago, but I couldn't post it because it would have been a giant neon sign blinking an arrow right in my direction for Blind Go. Then I kinda forgot about it for a bit, ahaha. This is just a short little romp through Waya's sex life.
NC-17, Waya\/Touya, Waya\/Shindou, Waya\/Isumi
Close Encounters (or Third Time\u2019s The Charm)
I. Touya<\/b>
Waya isn\u2019t a hundred percent sure how it happened, but it\u2019s happening now, and that\u2019s all his brain can focus on with Touya\u2019s tongue down his throat and his hands pulling roughly at his belt. If anything, he\u2019d expected Touya to be shy and awkward about this sort of thing, but that thought flew out the window pretty quickly when Touya didn\u2019t hesitate to stuff his hand down Waya\u2019s pants and grasp his cock with strong, sure fingers and stroke him like he had a fucking gold medal in giving handjobs or something.
Waya is just this side of coherent enough to try and remove some of Touya\u2019s clothing, but not quite coordinated enough to do much more than grasp at him. Touya growls low in his throat, and before Waya knows what is happening, they\u2019re free of their clothes and they stumble over to his futon, Waya\u2019s face pressed into the pillows as Touya fucks him. There is no real memory of how he\u2019d gotten there \u2013 either Touya has the power to teleport, or he\u2019s drunker than he thinks, not that it matters, because Touya is thrusting into him from behind and all he can think is Holy shit, it\u2019s Touya, Touya is fucking me, how can it feel so damn good?<\/i>
Then Touya\u2019s long fingers wrap around his cock, and his brain shuts off in the face of being jacked off like a fucking typhoon just hit his cock and being penetrated at the same time, and he just rides it out until he\u2019s coming all over his futon and Touya\u2019s panting behind him becomes almost a squeak followed by a shudder, and then Touya\u2019s pulling out of him unceremoniously, using Waya\u2019s sheet to clean himself off and grabbing for his pants.
\u201cThat\u2019s it?\u201d Waya says, though he\u2019s not really sure he wants him to stay, anyway.
\u201cIt\u2019s probably better that way, don\u2019t you think?\u201d Touya says, barely even glancing at him as he smooths the fabric out on his slacks.
\u201cWhatever,\u201d Waya says, sleepy and sticky and still quite drunk.
Touya slips out, and Waya thinks he should maybe pretend this never happened and goes to sleep.
II. Shindou<\/b>
\u201cYOU SLEPT WITH TOUYA?\u201d Shindou roars, and Waya stares at him.
\u201cHow the fuck-\u201c
\u201cI know you did. I KNOW. I saw you leave the bar together! You HATE Touya! What the fuck!\u201d
Waya scratches the back of his head. \u201cIt\u2019s not like it was in the plans or anything.\u201d
Shindou looks like he might want to say more, probably at the top of his lungs, but his face is beet red and he\u2019s choking a little on his own spit, so instead, Shindou grabs him by the front of his shirt and just kisses him, hard, full of anger and an intensity that kind of takes Waya\u2019s breath away.
Then they\u2019re falling towards the couch, and Waya was drunk the first time he did this, but he\u2019s pretty sure he can figure it out, and before long, Shindou is panting underneath him, angrily clawing at Waya\u2019s back and arms and biting him everywhere he can reach.
It doesn\u2019t last long \u2013 not even as long as the first time, which he\u2019s pretty sure had been really short, but with the alcohol haze, it was hard to tell \u2013 and it\u2019s not long before he\u2019s coming hard, grabbing for Shindou\u2019s cock with jerky hands to try and get them both on the same page here.
After Shindou comes, he lays there bonelessly for a second before pushing Waya off of him so he can get dressed. He\u2019s glaring at Waya, as if to say Don\u2019t touch Touya again or else<\/i>, which Waya thinks is a hilarious sentiment, given that his punishment was more sex, so Waya meets Shindou\u2019s gaze with a smirk.
\u201cIf you want him off the market, maybe you should do something about it.\u201d
Shindou blinks, scowls, and says, \u201cMaybe I will.\u201d
Waya is still laughing at him when the door closes.
III. Isumi<\/b>
It isn\u2019t long after that that he sees Shindou and Touya holding hands under a table, trying to be discreet but failing miserably. He\u2019s not jealous or anything \u2013 it\u2019s not like he wanted anything from either of them in the first place \u2013 but if he were honest with himself, he\u2019d admit that he is just a bit lonely.
Which is how he finds himself following his own advice and finally, finally kissing Isumi.
There\u2019s none of the rushed confusion of his first two times \u2013 with Isumi, he takes it nice and slow, exploring his mouth thoroughly before sliding his hands under Isumi\u2019s shirt and feeling the taut muscles there. There\u2019s a gentleness in Isumi\u2019s touch that makes him shiver, and they take their time shedding clothes until at last, they are naked and sprawled out across Isumi\u2019s bed, kissing and touching and breathing heavily.
Isumi is careful and prepares him fully, driving Waya mad with the wait, and when Isumi pushes into him, he can feel all of his nerve endings exploding with the feel of him. He can feel Isumi\u2019s racing heart inside and out, and Waya threads his fingers through Isumi\u2019s hair and pulls him in, touching their foreheads together and just staring up into his eyes.
Then Isumi\u2019s rolling his hips and Waya cries out, Isumi\u2019s name on his lips, and he thinks that those first two times don\u2019t even count if this is how sex with Isumi feels. He thinks he could do this with Isumi every day until the end of time, really, and Isumi is caressing his cock and he sees spots and the world kind of disappears for a minute as he comes harder than he ever has in his life.
Then there\u2019s just the feel of Isumi\u2019s warm body pressed against him, and he kisses Isumi again, wondering how long it will be before they can do that again, because he\u2019s pretty sure every day isn\u2019t enough, and he doesn\u2019t want to wait until tomorrow. Isumi nips at his lip, and he\u2019s already half hard again, so he flips them over and returns the favor.
---
\u201cSo, uh, thanks,\u201d Shindou tells him later, smiling sheepishly and watching Touya chat with some Go officials across the room.
\u201cThanks yourself,\u201d Waya replies, grinning.
\u201cFor what?\u201d Shindou asks, looking completely confused.
Waya just smirks, leaving Shindou staring after him as he makes his way to Isumi and threads their hands together.<\/a><\/a>
This is also posted at DW, which you can find <\/small><\/span>here<\/span><\/a><\/small>