Existential Dread #2

 

Manufactured Insanity: The Preconceived Notion that Insists on Itself. 

A.k.a Making fun of Finance Bros. 

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a post from my mom's acquaintance - a news-reporter-turned-finance-bro. She's always been quite a stickler for "breaking out" of the norm of the average office worker, to be something greater (financially) and more superior (capitalistically). To be short, she's a go-getter.

I recently asked for her help on some job searching, and in response she made me fill up a full self-assessment of my strengths and weaknesses + all the things I thought I could pitch for myself as an individual. She was real good at her job of persuasion and "selling" oneself, I'll give you that! But it all felt like a gimmick to me.

Obviously, everything I'm mentioning here has been discussed by someone before, it's all the "hype" right now, discussing and disparaging late stage capitalism, pointing out big corps and their monopolizing, so it may not seem like a hot take, but there's a plot twist!

So after I'd done all this work that I deemed meaningless, put on a narrative that I'm this great cog in the machine, and sent it to her, she is then unable to get back to me or help me in any other way past her initial critique that I wasn't "putting in enough strengths". None, zero updates, zero responses, no type of additional help whatsoever after I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and commodified myself. 

And that's just the thing that capitalism would do to you. Sometimes, it feels as if there's an invisible standard where only some people are capable of unlocking: doing JUST enough to still get paid, but at the same time doing WAY too much for the pay you're given. I believe the essence of capitalism is that of a young man who uses "negging" on women, where he deliberately insults/teases her to make her lower her values and self-esteem so he can actually win her over. Capitalism makes you feel as if you're never enough but at the same time too much to handle, and that's how you stay manageable while also being helpful to it. 

If I'm being honest, I don't want to participate in capitalism, I don't want to benefit the people who won't even see me or know who I am/what I do. It feels all very redundant and suffocating, but I KNOW that I will have to one way or another, as my worth is marked by how many dollars I have, that my kindness, my wit and my lived experiences are either tied to it or was created from it. 

It's really stupid, really - sometimes it makes me dissociates altogether. What if when I was born, I made up this whole scenario in my head that "capitalism" and "job" was a real thing, and I've just been living in a fever dream this whole entire time? It could be so, and they'd call it maladaptive daydreaming, and refer me to a doctor who then will take my hard earned money to tell me I should spend more of it on medication that will make me want to spend even more money. Because behind all of our wants, needs and interests that make us human, doesn't capitalism just reduce us to walking money bags of different sizes?

And now to the finance bros - to be able to participate in such a system, one has to be so down bad to prove themself that it borders on ridiculous. If you'd told me, as a flex that you were at Silicone Valley doing a procedure, I'd have thought you were getting a BBL! I'm not sure what they got going on, or what kinda way you have to be raised to become such a lifeless, unthinking machine who's willing to ignore everything meaningful for profit. I once saw an international-student-influencer bragging about how he was going to Wharton to study finance, and he'd added Donald J. Trump as a prominent figure who'd also gone there. Oh great! So you went to poop school, where fart also attended! At least pick a less obvious bad guy, like Obama or something.

It's one of those jobs that fund everything, but are never talked about. It's really thankless, in the way that the people holding these jobs will never ever thank their loved ones for placing the stepping stones to help them get to where they are more than they thank the shareholders that made small talk with them two times at an event where they serve tiny little olives. They'd never thank the prominent figures in history that stood up so they could go to school and be successful (looking at you, AI-promoting influencers who came from a marginalized community). Rather, they'd clown on those people for being activists and caring about the environment, or the communities under active attack. 

Maybe ungratefulness and unfulfillment are the twin brothers that make up Finance as a major, and the more you put in the less you take out.

Existential dread #1

Unfinished Works vs Atomic Bombs

 I feel as if I worry about too many things, and they won't ever be accomplished, as in the grand scheme of things I am but a little space dust born from two old space dusts who work at space dust broadcasting station in a little country.

So I limit myself to just thinking of the simple things when it comes to things that would actively be useful to me in my life, or in case of an apocalypse, but pour my heart and soul into researching stuff that seem so far away (and are far away) to feign interest in things that realistically don't involve me at all (whether it will affect me or not is a different story/blog post entirely).

For example, Charlie Kirk dying... will it affect me? Yes, a maniac is in office and adores that guy, I live in Canada, we can all get nuked immediately tomorrow. But does it involve me? Not really, will a letter from the white house be sent to my doorstep asking about why I talked so much shit about him pre-mortem and even more post-mortem? Not likely. Logically I know to obsess over that too much isn't normal nor is it healthy. BUT I do anyway, because deep down I correlate that to all the times I wasn't popular in high school and so wasn't in the know for a loooot of stuff, so I wanted to be included, I guess. But the nerd/inferiority complex having individual inside of me wants/wanted to be included in things that are cool and big and important. 

Surely, talking about big stuff others don't usually talk about as they're busy having a life and living in the moment would make it so that the attention would fall onto me. And I love it when I have everyone's attention. We talk shit about the people who were never popular in high school, so they turn that resentment into bullying others in spaces that they are popular in later in life, just to experience what it's like. I like to think my version is one of the less toxic option to be born out of that type of environment.

Now on the OTHER hand, I didn't know WACK about keeping a space tidy for productivity, having an efficient workflow to do art, or how to do an interview with a lady I've never met before to work some lame office job for 35 years. They seem important, but for my dopamine addicted brain, they seem so far away and boring... I should probably change that.

I think artists' works reflect their current state of mind as well, and mine are clumsy, unfinished and get forgotten a lot. It could be something positive, like there's room for improvement, something like that. But also, when I have an unsteady perspective or it feels floatey, I get a bit nauseaus spacially and emotionally looking at it, if that makes sense.