| BASH WARS SECOND ROUND!!! |
[Nov. 28th, 2011|01:10 am]
Gore Sports - Making Up Fake Fights Since 1992
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| | Sammy Hagar - Winner Takes It All | ] |
History was made in the first round of Bash Wars VI, as a record-shattering twenty-three battles were waged simultaneously. Who emerged victorious, only to be rewarded with another round of violence? We shall soon see, starting with the west brackets.
I've mentioned how pleased I was with the strength of the field in this year's tournament, but at the same time it is bittersweet that so many strong entrants must be cut down so early in the competition. Sloth from Goonies was a damn fine fellow, but this just wasn't his year, as he fell in a 42-17 slaughter. It's a shame he had to leave us, but if anybody has the stoic resolve to eliminate him, it's Leonidas from 300. Man, I forgot how grim he looks in that picture. This man does not give a crap. Like wave after wave of Persians pouring through the Hot Gates, he just wants to keep 'em coming.
Leonidas now faces a different sort of challenge, as Kara Thrace has dispensed with Dethsaurus 32-18. Although they're both warriors, committed to a hopeless battle against overwhelming forces, Leonidas and Starbuck have some key differences. As a Spartan hero-king, Leonidas is both a politician and a general, whereas Thrace is a senior flight officer who carries out the orders of her superior. This may indicate a difference in tactics--whereas Starbuck is going to be primarily focused on the battle at hand, Leonidas will be looking at the long-term strategy.
I was surprised to learn that Xena beat Obelix 36-17, but I suppose I shouldn't have been--just because her show's been off TV for, like, ten years doesn't mean she can't kick ass. Similarly, I should have realized that as dangerous as Sweetums is, he just couldn't stack up to the feral rage of Chewbacca, who ate him 38-20.
Chewbacca and Xena don't have a lot in common, although I would imagine they're both skilled in low-tech weaponry since Xena lived in ancient times and Chewie had that crossbow thing. The main thing I can come up with is that they both featured in ricockulous Christmas specials involving non-Christmas holidays. The Winter Solstice and the Kashyyyk Life Day are both coming up real soon, so both of these warriors are naturally in an awful big hurry to get home for the festivities and celebrate with the kids. Hence I randomly stipulate that this contest shall be a BLACK FRIDAY BLACK DEATH DEATH MATCH. Our combatants will fight, scratch, and claw to obtain a single Turbo-Man action figure for the benefit of their respective shorties. The winner will advance to the tournament and his/her holiday season will be saved! The loser will be forcibly injected with Yersinia pestis and left for dead.
I cannot believe I came up with all of that off the top of my head. Damn I'm good.
Megatron pretty much shot Dinobot dead in a 42-9 blowout, proving once and for all that original Transformers are way more awesome than Beast Wars. Nuff said. Meanwhile, my high hopes for Eliot Spencer have totally crashed and burned, as he has been completely owned by Jules Winnfield, 33-21. Spencer's strategy of "run around doing awesome shit" seems to have collapsed in the face of Winnfield's more succinct "catch target at gunpoint, then unexpectedly shoot to kill." Makes sense when you think about it.
I was going to write up a comparison of Megatron's trans-form, a Walther P38, with Winnfield's Star Model B, but since I don't know shit about guns I'll just skip it since Megatron's gun form shoots lasers anyway. Point is, this is a battle between a guy who uses guns and a guy that is a gun. It's worth analyzing the marksmanship of these respective warriors. Megatron is, well, not a particularly good shot considering that all he has to do is shoot and he's equipped with a frigging scope. However, as far as I know Winnfield is not particularly better with his weapon--his work primarily involves executions, not gunfights, and I am unaware of him ever needing to hit a moving or distant target, which could pose a problem when shooting at a robot that flies. This shootout may simply be a question of which competitor can take the most hits, which I suppose again favors Megatron.
I was really hoping for a Zack Ryder vs. Ace Rimmer battle here, but it just wasn't in the cards--Mad Max clobbered Rimmer 34-17, and Leia fist-pumped Ryder's face in a 46-9 embarrassment. Now these two '80s sci-fi icons must do battle, and in light of their respective skills I have booked it as a DEATH RACE 2000 (1975) 2011 MATCH. Max will of course be driving his Pursuit Special, while Leia will be astride an Imperial 74-Z speeder bike. Both participants must race through Hoosier National Forest at top speed....first one to crash into a tree, or off the side of a cliff, loses.
Time to check out the East brackets...
This should be a highly anticipated if completely nonsensical matchup, coming as a result of Randy Savage's 40-10 defeat of Andy Kaufman and Buffy's 42-15 victory over Medusa. Macho and Buffy are both fan favorites and the winner of this bout will be a natural favorite to go all the way. Buffy is again hampered by the fact that her opponent is not a vampire and thus does not fit into her specialized talents. I guess Buffy's all super-strong and shit but dude, it's Macho Man Randy Savage, so I think that's pretty even. I just watched a montage of Buffy fight scenes and she seems to prefer that fake-looking "I will kick at the empty space where you will put your leg to block my kick" kind of fighting, which should match up pretty well with Savage's "I will pretend to lift you while you do a flip over me" style.
Unexpectedly, I think the biggest issue is going to be the weight difference--Buffy looks like she hasn't slain a sandwich in months, if you get my drift, and I figure she's fighting at about a buck-twenty, whereas Macho Man weighs in at about 240 pounds. I think it's safe to say neither of them is used to an opponent of the other's size, and that may be the x-factor in this contest.
Omar was given a run for his money by Elliot Stabler, but in the end the cheese stood alone in 23-19 shooting. I still think Omar's a pretty interesting combatant in this tournament, and he could go far, but he won't truly be tested until he goes up against some tougher competition. He may get it in the form of the Road Runner, who bested Steve the Minecraft Guy 40-14.
This matchup presents a clear dilemma for Omar, because he's going to have a hard time shooting a bird that moves at the speed of sound. That being said, Omar is very clearly smarter than Wile E. Coyote. That's an important fact to consider--we all know the Road Runner is hardcore, but it's one thing to outwit a coyote that can barely fire a rifle without blowing his own face off. It's another thing altogether to go up against a guy who knows how to handle his piece, and we don't know if Road Runner can do it. Omar is not going to be ordering Acme exploding tennis balls--his traps and plans are extremely basic and fatally effective.
The video game form of Mike Tyson totally annihilated Coaxmetal, whatever Coaxmetal was, in a 47-7 rout. Meanwhile, Merlin clobbered Harry Dresden 36-15. Here we see two important lessons about choosing your Bash Wars entrant. First, if nobody cares about your guy, he will die hard. Second, if your guy isn't even the best at what he does, chances are he will get clobbered by the guy who is the best. Anyway, now Merlin from The Once And Future King is going to fight Mike Tyson from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!.
This is a tricky fight to analyze because I don't know that Tyson has ever faced a magic-based offense, or that Merlin has ever taken a punch to the face. However, I do know that the World Video Boxing Association features a magical pugilist, Great Tiger, and he is far lower in the rankings than Kid Dynamite. I figure this fight will start off with Merlin dazzling and bewildering Iron Mike with some fancy tricks, and then Tyson will hit Merlin harder than he's ever been hit in his life. What happens after that is anyone's guess.
The Terminator showed no mercy and no regret in terminating Ace McShane in a 39-15 explosion, and so he robotically advances to his next target. This time he squares off against Master Splinter, who only barely knocked off Danger Mouse in a nail-biting 30-25 decision. Splinter is a tough old rat, but the competition is only going to get worse going forward. Much of his training and skill relies on exploiting his opponent's physical or mental weakpoints, but in this case the Terminator has none. That's not a total disaster, since Splinter has tons of experience contending with roboting Mousers and Foot Soldiers, but the T-800 model is programmed with far more sophisticated tactical and psychological subroutines. I can't call a winner on this, but I expect either Terminator to win in a blowout or Splinter to just narrowly, er, squeak by.
OK, almost done folks, let's look at our last four fights in the Midwest brackets, or whatever name I made up for them last week.
Let's just say I took a lot of heat for pitting Sandor Clegane against Uncle Iroh, and I will probably get burned some more now that Iroh has scorched the Hound 25-15. Interestingly, that bout received the most "Both Maimed and Killed" votes in the first round, which tells me that nobody knows or cares who either of those guys are.
Now Iroh has to go up against Bruce Lee. Yeah, that Bruce Lee. It's a pretty strong field this year and I don't want to say that Bruce is going to walk away with the Superking crown, but I think it's safe to say he could kick a lot of ass if he doesn't get stopped right here. And hey, maybe he will--I was just saying last week that older ninjas are always way better than younger ninjas, and Iroh looks to be about eleventy-four years old. However, I think it is worth noting that it took me a long time to find a picture of Iroh doing anything besides sitting around looking happy, whereas I'd have a hard time finding any picture of Bruce Lee not looking like he's gonna kick somebody's ass.
It says here that the firebending art that Iroh has mastered is notable for an intense attacking style and limited defensive moves. I think that could be fatal against Bruce Lee, who is extraordinarily talented at deflecting an attack and overwhelming an opponent's defenses. Of course, on the other hand Iroh's attacks will involve shooting fire out of his face, so that may compensate for his limitations.
Sinestro brought order to chaos with his 34-20 defeat of Discord, and Evil Spock sent Olivia Dunham back to Ne'erherduvia in a body bag with his 45-13 win. Now these two aliens must battle it out with each other. Seeing as Spock doesn't have a power ring, I think he's at a severe disadvantage, but you can never count the crafty Vulcan out. If I know Spock (or if evil me knows evil Spock, I guess), he'll catch on pretty quick that Sinestro's whole deal is built around fear--fear that Spock does not possess, fear that Sinestro struggles to conceal and control, fear that Spock can turn to his advantage using impeccable logic. Either that or Sinestro will make a giant yellow dinosaur that crushes Spock into guacamole.
Unsurprisingly, Superman defeated Lex Luthor 37-16. Dude seems pretty happy about it, too. You know what he isn't too happy about? Probably the fact that Rex the Wonder Dog defeated Krypto the Super-Dog 27-18. Remember, these things are to the death (none of that "to the pain" bullshit), so Rex killed Superman's dog. So this time it's personal.
I think it's safe to say that Rex is the Batman of dogs (moreso than even Ace the Bat-hound) so this has the makings of your classic Superman/Batman fight, except that unlike Batman (or more to the point, Luthor), Rex is not merely some smartass whose primarily skill is showing off how smart he is. Rex is, to borrow a phrase, the motherfucking wonder dog, so his thinking is not limited to having secret stashes of kryptonite. Rex is a lateral thinker who, upon realizing he's gotta fight Supes, will be considering dozens of possible options, including red solar radiation and psychological attack vectors. Mind you, Superman is no slouch himself, and he's made a career out of besting people smart enough to neutralize his powers. This one ought to be interesting, if nothing else.
The God of Thunder absolutely destroyed Commander Badass, with the final tally standing at fifty-four to five. That may be some kind of record. I've always believed that it helps you in Bash Wars if your movie just came out, and with Thor-mania riding as high as it ever will, Thor is a major threat to everyone in this tournament. Of course, since Popeye dispatched the archangel Castiel 37-20, supernatural powers aren't enough to assure victory.
Given the unique qualities of these two warriors, I feel it is only fitting that they compete in a LADDER ON A POLE MATCH. We will suspend Thor's enchanted mallet Mjolnir and Popeye's spinach can high above the unforgiving Bash Wars arena, leaving Thor at the power level he had in the second act of the movie and Popeye at the power level he has at the beginning of each cartoon. Then they will BRAWL to be the first to reach a ladder suspended on a pole--the first man to reach the ladder gets to use it to retrieve their totem. I feel these conditions should be fair and extremely violent, since de-hammered Thor still has all those cool Asgardian martial arts skills and de-spinached Popeye is still a sailor in the frigging United States Navy.
All right, it's time for you to vote for the winners of these 12 contests. The winners go on to the quarterfinals--the losers go on to a pine overcoat! Remember, anyone who's a member of  gore_sports can vote, and anybody who isn't can join!
Leonidas vs. Kara Thrace
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.0%)
Chewbacca vs. Xena
Both Maimed and Killed
8(11.9%)
Megatron vs. Jules Winnfield
Jules Winnfield
23(35.9%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.4%)
Mad Max vs. Princess Leia
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.1%)
Randy Savage vs. Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
39(58.2%)
Both Maimed and Killed
10(14.9%)
Omar Little vs. Road Runner
Both Maimed and Killed
11(16.9%)
Nintendo Mike Tyson vs. Merlin
Nintendo Mike Tyson
20(30.3%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.1%)
The Terminator vs. Master Splinter
Master Splinter
27(42.2%)
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.4%)
Bruce Lee vs. Uncle Iroh
Both Maimed and Killed
6(9.1%)
Sinestro vs. Mirror Universe Spock
Mirror Universe Spock
34(54.0%)
Both Maimed and Killed
10(15.9%)
Superman vs. Rex the Wonder Dog
Rex the Wonder Dog
19(29.7%)
Both Maimed and Killed
10(15.6%)
Thor vs. Popeye
Both Maimed and Killed
4(6.3%)
The poll closes on Saturday night, December 3, at 11:59pm (Chicago time), and then we'll be back for more hot Bash Wars action! |
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