just deleted a whole thing of me arguing with someone on fedi. the amount of anxiety this thing has given me is fucking unreal, i've been spiraling all evening and have even been struggling to eat because of the way i handle conflictual situations. balancing the need to be heard and understood, with the need to hide away and discrete, it's just too much for me.

it's fucking ridiculous and i don't understand why i did this to myself.

so i deleted it, to burry it and not have to continue with this. i have a hard time thinking about something that matters as little as internet arguments taking place on the fediverse of all things. i don't want to be the next target of the kind of bullshit that can go on in our communities so yeah, i'm deleting it, i'm burying it.

i'm also going to take a break. i'm gonna be off of fedi for a little while, i'll probably be back by monday so that gives me the weekend off.

i don't handle conflictual situations and debates well at all. i'm not blaming anyone here, i'm just saying that this is my problem, my issue, my way of handling things. what i know though, is that this account is supposed to be my safe space. and it shouldn't make me cry, it shouldn't make me spiral, and it sure as shit shouldn't make me too anxious to eat.

so i'm going away. just for a bit. i have a real life, with real people and real things that i do, that actually matter. so i'll focus on that.

kisses. hopefully my mentions won't be a fucking mess when i come back.

hey, there are a bunch of you who are often in my replies when i'm feeling anxious or whatever (which is very often) and i wanted to say that, i may not always answer or interact because my energy is scarce and my anxieties rampant... but i see it all. and i appreciate it all.

you know who you are. i love you.

alright here we go, it's that time again where i have one bad interaction with someone with an account and i'm now thinking of deleting my entire account because of it! :'D

my paws are so cold! and i'm in my room!

a while back i asked my doctor if we could go up to a higher dose of xanax, because the dose i used to be on didn't do much for me. but the consequence of that is that, ever since i made the change, i haven't been able to take the medication. not even once.

because first, my autistic brain is adverse to change and i'm somehow scared of what double the dosage is gonna do to me. because it's not an "every day treatment", it's something that i do on the spot, when needed.

and second, because of the fact that it's double the dosage, i get the double the issue i used to have with xanax. which is feeling like i'm never "anxious enough" to justify taking some.

so lately, there has been multiple moments (like now) where i was feeling anxious as hell and out of control but i just can't allow myself to take medication to help me. so i just suffer on my own and keep spiraling. and everything become scarier and scarier, i isolate from the people i love because i'm too scared of hurting them by being obnoxious and so on.

i use my fedi profile as an outlet, because that's all i allow myself to do and that alone is a lot of effort. because i keep being afraid of my posts hurting people.

i'm so fucking anxious and i feel like i can't do anything about it because it's not "bad enough" to justify taking such measures...

maybe i should just shut up

i'm really anxious today. it's really overwhelming. i don't know what's going on with me. i keep apologizing for everything i say, every time i say something, express an opinion or do anything, i feel like i'm stepping on a landmine, that everyone is going to hate me, and so on. but because i'm like that, i compensate a lot, but because i do that, i feel like i'm obnoxious, but because i do that .....

i can't seem to calm down.

It's almost 19:00 and I haven't ate yet. Again. Because going outside to fetch myself something to eat is demanding so much fucking mental energy that it is taking me that long to mentally prepare.

This is gonna sound like a call out post, and... No, it really isn't. I'm not calling out anyone in particular. I've just seen it one too many times. The straw, the camel's back, yadiyada.

My cis dudes. I love you. I really do. But I'm tired of you going under women's post expressing their grievances about men, to explain how ashamed you are of other men. It's... It's tiring. Like, it's really fucking tiring. Because you don't realize that every time we make such a post there is at least one or two of you. Every time.

We don't care about you being not like the other guys. Yes, sure, are one of the good ones, whatever. Good boy and all that. But when you do this, not only do you not contribute anything to the discussion, you're actually adding to the problem. It's adding emotional labour to the women trying to explain themselves when really you should just stay quiet and listen.

Give a like. Boost the post, even. But you don't need to say anything, not to us. Call out other men in the responses that are probably trying to argue and ending up exactly proving her point. Do better, instead of saying that you already are.

#fedi #men #women

i'm always "fine", or at worst "meh" or just "tired." i never say how i really feel when asked. i can't allow myself to be honest. sometimes it feels like that would be opening the floodgates, unsure that i would be able to close them. other times, i think that it's nice to have someone showing me that they care and that i don't want to lose that too.

but really, i just don't have the words to describe how i'm really feeling. i'm holding it all in. i end every therapy session holding back tears. fearing that if i were to crack, i would break. i put one foot in front of the other, hoping that there is ground for them to land on, and i just keep going.

i'm going to see a psychiatrist really soon. i'm afraid of being honest with him and the consequences it could have on my life. my reflex is to just suffer in silence, keep things to myself, out of fear of things becoming worse. so i keep to myself the constant thoughts of death, out of fear of being sent somewhere or having things that i desperately want being held off from me.

it makes me feel like there is no real way out. every time i see a professional that is meant to help me, i can never see an actual ally but rather, a neutral figure that can turn enemy at every wrong turn of a sentence.

i feel alone.

#psychiatry #mentalheatlh

my night was basically a rapid fire compilation of everything that hurt me in my childhood. which is much closer to what i usually get. guess yesterday was a one time thing.

i love (no) waking up emotionally exhausted.

so gog 2026 sale banner is, to their own admission, fully "AI" generated and they're looking for new people to hire, noting in their listing that they will need to work with "AI" tools.

i fucking hate everything. i have been trying to avoid steam as much as i could, prioritizing gog, and they pull this shit.

#gog #ai #fuckai

it's always such a joy to play terraria. the game just oozes charm. all things considered, i'm still a newbie at this game and i'm constantly discovering new things that are just super cool.

since there is a brand new update, i decided to go ahead and make a new character, new world. i found a lucky clover, and i have no idea if it's related or not, but shortly after that, it started raining coins and i made a ton of money. don't think i had ever seen that before. it's so lovely!

i love that there is someone in the team who one day thought: "what if some slimes had umbrellas when it rains" then somebody must've laughed and say: "and let's give some zombies some raincoats too!", before somebody else added: "and give them a rare chance to drop a rain hat too!" AND ALL OF THAT IS IN THE GAME!

terraria is so wonderful. there is just nothing else like it.

#terraria #gaming #videogames

we're in an empathy recession by D'Angelo

I wasn't aware of the things covered in this video but as a disabled person, I had indeed felt the fact that these types of language and that slur in particular seemed to be getting more prevalant on the internet again and, well, it's not just a feeling, it's true.

Also, him saying: "Every time I hear the word 'culture', nowadays, I get a fight or flight resposne" is one of the most relatable thing I've heard in a way.

#video #psychophobia #ableism #bullying

I have spent my entire night dreaming that I was getting fucked, mostly against a wall, by a bunch of different people. It is kind of ridiculous. I don't think I have ever dreamt about sex that much. Even when the dream had nothing to do with this, it somehow found a way to shift into this. And between that and the fact that I'm constantly wet lately.... am I in heat or something?! What the fuck is going on?!

WHY AM I SO WET TODAY, I FEEL LIKE A SNAIL

nitsa plays minecraft like a complete asshole. she wanted to make a spot for her cows, so instead of making an enclosure like a decent person, she dug a fucking hole and just lead them there. every time she would find a new cow, she would just lead it inside of the hole. she'd then proceed to make them reproduce and slaughter them for leather, turning the thing into a mass grave.

the worst part is when i watched in horror as she dug a four by four hole and shoved her horse into it so that she would know where to find it. i can't fucking believe she did that and acted as if it was a totally normal way of doing things.

#minecraft

sometimes i just go on project bluefin's website just to look at the pretty dinosaurs.

#bluefin #universalblue #projectbluefin #dinosaurs

somebody just rang my door and... nope. bunny is not in her den, go away. don't want to see other humans, they're scawy