Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I’m readin’ the morning paper and enjoyin’ my coffee… when in walks a Space Nazi.

I hate Space Nazis.

“Achtung!” he says. “I am Kommandant Hans Gelber. You are hereby ordered to review Tales from the Floating Vagabond Second Edition, und you vill like it!“

“Tales 2nd edition? Well, whaddaya know!” I says, surprise gettin’ the better of me. “Got to play that back in the day, when my buddy Lee Garvin was still with us and workin’ on it. Great multi-genre comedy game. Figured it would never see the light o’ day after he moved on to the Big Bar in the Sky.”

He rolls his eyes. “Yes, yes, all very moving, I am sure… Now! You vill note zat zere are new rules for powers, critical successes und fumbles, und inzanity!”

“Yeah, that’s all great stuff, but… I gotta ask, what’s your angle? Why’re you giving me this review copy?”

“Ha!” he snorts. “It iz all part of my master plan! Ven verd gets out about zis, vould-be heroes vill be flocking to ze Floating Vagabond. Und zen, vit zem all in vun place? I vill destroy zem all!“

He cackles like a loon. Onna counta he’s a loon.

“Yeah, that’s really great,” I says. “Say… does Tales still have all those crazy species to play?”

“Bah!” he says, all disgusted-like. “Yes, zere are still ze inferior races…”

So I punch him.

“Ach!!” he says. “You punched me!!”

“Yep,” I says. “Bet you did Nazi that comin’.”

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Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

The other day I’m sittin’ at my desk, when in walks a fella with spiked leather clothes, a big pink mohawk… and a metal arm. Doesn’t even have the common courtesy to knock.

“Let me guess,” I says. “You’re a cyberpunk?”

“Guess again, mother[CENSORED]!!”

“Okay. You’re an [CENSORED]hole?”

“Wrong again!” he says. “I’m a space-punk, here to tell you about Dark Stars.”

“Fine, I’ll bite: What’s space-punk, and what’s Dark Stars?”

“Space-punk is the [CENSORED]ing subgenre of Dark Stars, and Dark Stars is a [CENSORED]ing sci-fi tabletop roleplaying game I’ve brought you to review like a [CENSORED]. It’s got all the cyberpunk goods, but with spaceships and aliens and all that [CENSORED] thrown in.”

“That it?”

“[CENSORED] no! The game’s got supernatural [CENSORED], too. Or it can. Doesn’t have to. You can use it or not. I don’t give a [CENSORED].”

“Sounds good. So, what kinda music does a space-punk listen to?”

“Mostly the Sex Laser Pistols and the Dead Kennedy Space Center.”

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Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So I’m straightenin’ up my desk — the maid was off that day, onna counta she don’t exist — when in barges a Colonial Marine.

“Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen!” the grunt says. “The ultimate badass is here with a review copy of the Alien RPG! That’s ‘RPG’ as in ‘roleplaying game,’ not ‘rocket-propelled grenade,’ although both of those things are $%&#in’ awesome!”

“Alien, huh?” I says. “Good series of movies, but how many times are players gonna wanna go on another bug hunt?”

“That’s the beauty of it, man!” he says. “The guy behind this baby knows all the secrets about the movie settings and puts together one badass $%&#in universe! You can go up against countries, corporations, pirates, low-lifes, androids, low-life pirate androids, and different sorts of aliens. But you want Xenomorphs? This one’s got the scoop on’em like no other!”

“Huh,” I says. “Now that you mention it, there is a thing or two that I’ve always wondered about those movies. Sounds like this might be just the book to tell me about’em.”

“$%&#in’ A, man!”

“Alrighty then, I’m on board.” I take the book from’im. “Is there anythin’ else?”

“That’s it, man. Game over, man. Game over!”

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Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day a dame walks into my office. Good lookin’ — kind of a Swedish model type.

‘Cept she had a cow tail.

“Hallo,” she says. “I am here with a review copy of Vaesen.”

“Great,” I says. “What’s a vaesen?”

“I’m a vaesen — a creature of Nordic folklore. A troll, to be specific. The book is about creatures like me in a fictional 1800s Scandinavia.”

“You don’t look like a troll,” I says. “No warts or claws or big teeth.”

“Those are mountain trolls,” she says, gettin’ a little huffy. “I’m a forest troll. Some of us look mostly like humans. Mostly.” She holds up her tail.

“S’cuse me, then,” I says. “Wanna hand over the game?”

“I’ve changed my mind,” she says.

“Really?” I says.

“No,” she says. “Just trolling you.”

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Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I’m sittin’ at my desk, when in barges… somethin’. Fella looked like someone crossed an ape with a shark and threw the whole works into a microwave.

“Gots a game for ya, hurr hurr,” the big goon says. He hands it over. “SLA Industries 2nd edition,” the cover says.

“SLA, huh?” I says. “I remember that one. Dark game. Made cyberpunk look like Candyland. Kept a whole lotta secrets from the GM.”

“Not no more.”

“Oh, yeah? The origin of the Carrien?”

“Thas notta secret.”

“DarkNight?”

“Notta secret.”

“Thresher?”

“Notta secret.”

“White Earth?”

“Nope, not no secret.”

“I’ll be darned. That’s pretty impressive. Is there anything that’s not a secret in this edition?”

“Thassa secret, hurr hurr.”

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Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I was in my office, mindin’ my own business — funny how often these stories start that way — when a fella in orange robes comes teleportin’ in. And I gotta tell ya, this guy was a total blockhead.

No, seriously. His head was an actual gray cement-lookin’ block.

“Greetings, human,” he says. “I am Bob the Blonin, blessed of the Glorious Cube. I bring to you this review copy of Far Away Land: Tome of Awesome.”

He hands over the book, and I give it the once-over. Big book. Funny art. Funny name.

“Is this game some kind of a joke?” I says.

“No, indeed,” he says. “True, it describes a frequently humorous world, but a world nevertheless ripe for awesome adventures! And with an equally awesome light system!”

“Huh,” I says. “Okay, you’ve got my interest.”

“So you will give it a fair review?” says the blockhead.

“Yeah, I’ll give you a square deal.”

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Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

On a nice, quiet afternoon, there’s not much more annoying that a knock at my office door.

‘Cept maybe someone kickin’ in my office door.

“KIIIII-YAH!!!” says the fella, all dressed in fancy silk and carryin’ a sword.

“Um… Can I help you?” I says.

“IMMACULATE REVIEW COPY DELIVERY STRIKE!” he says, spinning around and throwing a book across the room, landing it neat as you please on my desk without so much as knocking over my stapler. A nifty trick, I had to admit.

Art of Wuxia, the cover says. Okay, so that explained a few things.

“So you want me to review this thing?” I says.

“ILLUSTRIOUS CRANE RESPONSE!!!” he says, jumpin’ up onto the back of a chair and perching on one foot. “Yes, please.”

“Right…” I says. “I’ll get right on that. Can I see you out?”

“No, thank you,” he says. “RIGHTEOUS DOVE WITHDRAWAL!”

He jumps out the window and goes running through the air down the street.

I just sigh, sit back down, and open the book. Time for some Elaborate Monkey Reviewing. Or something.

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Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I answer a hard knock on my office door, and I see your basic barbarian: Loin cloth, big axe, mighty thews. You know the drill.

Except this guy has a pixie sittin’ on his shoulder.

“I bring you greetings, reviewer of games! I am Bodor son of Todor, breaker of chains, slayer of dragons!

“And this,” he adds, nodding to the pixie, “is Brandymead Willowdew, spreader of pixie dust, gatherer of sugarplums!”

“Hi!” the pixie chimes in.

“Oooo-kay,” I says. “And I suppose the two of you have a game for me to review?”

“Indeed,” says the barbarian, and he pulls a book out of this big brown bag. “Beyond the Black Sea,” the cover says, with a picture of a couple of Bronze Age fellas fightin’ a big ape-man thing. Old school swords-and-sorcery type stuff.

Nice and pulpy, I think to myself.

“Okay,” I says, “This looks like my kinda thing, all right. But, ah, what’s with the pixie?”

“Ah!” the barbarian says, “That is because Beyond the Black Sea is part of the Faeries Wear Boots! line of games.”

“Faeries and barbarians?” I says. “How’s that work?”

The pixie shrugs. “I mostly just wing it.”

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I hear a loud knock at my office door. When I answer it, I see a great big bald pointy-eared bruiser covered from head to foot in tattoos and carryin’ a big whoppin’ two-handed sword. So right off the bat, I have him pegged as a Thrall — a magically-bred warrior from the fantasy game Talislanta. Yes sir, there’s only one thing that looks like a Thrall, and that’s a Thrall.

“Hello,” he says. “I’m a Vandar.”

…

“Okay…” I says. “Well, you sure look like a Thrall to me.”

“Ah,” he says, “That is because the Vandar are the ancestors of the Thralls.”

“Ancestors? Okay, that makes sense then. What brings you by today?”

“I am here with a review copy of Talislanta: the Savage Land.”

“You’re speakin’ my language. I love me some Talislanta. What’s the ‘Savage Land’ bit, though?”

“The Savage Land is Talislanta’s distant past,” he says, “shortly after the Great Disaster that laid waste to the world.”

“Post-apocalyptic Talislanta?” I says. “Okay, you’ve got my interest.”

“Excellent,” he says. “But just in case, I have brought you this…”

He dumps a big bag of gold coins and gems on my desk.

“That’s… a lot more than I usually get for a reviewing gig,” I says, eyein’ the pile of goodies.

“Such things are worthless to us in the Savage Land,” he says. “All that matters is survival.”

“Well then!” I says, sweepin’ the loot into my desk drawer, “What we need around this place is a lot more survivin’.”

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