Derp, lemons will power us all one day.
Ok, so bear with me for a minute. I have an anecdote of sorts:
After trying to diagnose the problem with my internet (the hardline doesn't seem to be working but wireless works just fine, leading me to believe it's not my computer at fault, but Cogeco Cable instead), my brother and I came to the conclusion that we could so fuck with internet support people in such magical ways...
"This is technical support, how can we help you?"
Yeah, hi. I'm having an issue with my internet. I can't connect to it.
"Ok, is the computer plugged into a modem or a telephone jack?"
Well, sort of. See, I got the box from you guys with all the fixings to get the internet up and running and I took the internet cord out of the box, unwrapped it and plugged the right end into the port on my computer. The other end is plugged into a lemon.
"Excuse me? A lemon?"
Yeah, it generates an electrical charge and is much cheaper than actual electricity. Anyway, that's not the issue. I can't seem to connect to the internet. Oh, wait a sec, I just clicked it and it worked.
"What do you mean, 'it worked'? Your ethernet cable is plugged into your computer at one end and a lemon at the other end."
Yeah. Here, the Google homepage is the Eiffel Tower today.
"...yes, it is."
Fantastic, then my internet works again!
"But how...it's plugged into a lemon."
Well yeah, and that IS part of my problem, too. Everytime I try to change the lemon --because they only last me about a week before they start to rot and fall apart-- I get shocked.
"Because you're plugging an electrical device into a lemon!"
No, no, the lemon IS the electrical device! Listen, I pay $3.99 a week for a bag of lemons and they've served me well as a power source for the last fourteen years. I'd like to go with something bigger for a cheap price, like a watermelon or something, but they're kinda bulky and I'm concerned about how well they hold a charge.
"Fruit cannot be used for electrical power, ma'am."
I spend $16.00 a month on lemons and they ARE a power source. Maybe to save me the trouble of being shocked, would you suggest I wear gloves or something?
--this is where it gets weird--
"Maybe...plug the lemon directly into the ethernet port and completely bypass the ethernet cable? Hold it by the rind, shove it right on there and give it a twist, just to hold it in place."
Hey, yeah! Why didn't I think of that?
"There's also the option of maybe using a larger item, like a grapefruit? Watermelons aren't cheap and they're too big to fit behind the computer, but grapefruits are a citrus and they'll charge up really well..."
--me laughing into the phone--
"Ma'am?"
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON? POWERING A COMPUTER THROUGH CITRUS FRUIT? I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU POWER SHIT IN YOUR COUNTRY, BUT AS FAR AS i KNOW, ELECTRICITY + WET THINGS AUTOMATICALLY DOES NOT EQUAL A GOOD IDEA. THANKS, THOUGH. YOU MADE ME LAUGH ON AN OTHERWISE SHITTY DAY.
After trying to diagnose the problem with my internet (the hardline doesn't seem to be working but wireless works just fine, leading me to believe it's not my computer at fault, but Cogeco Cable instead), my brother and I came to the conclusion that we could so fuck with internet support people in such magical ways...
"This is technical support, how can we help you?"
Yeah, hi. I'm having an issue with my internet. I can't connect to it.
"Ok, is the computer plugged into a modem or a telephone jack?"
Well, sort of. See, I got the box from you guys with all the fixings to get the internet up and running and I took the internet cord out of the box, unwrapped it and plugged the right end into the port on my computer. The other end is plugged into a lemon.
"Excuse me? A lemon?"
Yeah, it generates an electrical charge and is much cheaper than actual electricity. Anyway, that's not the issue. I can't seem to connect to the internet. Oh, wait a sec, I just clicked it and it worked.
"What do you mean, 'it worked'? Your ethernet cable is plugged into your computer at one end and a lemon at the other end."
Yeah. Here, the Google homepage is the Eiffel Tower today.
"...yes, it is."
Fantastic, then my internet works again!
"But how...it's plugged into a lemon."
Well yeah, and that IS part of my problem, too. Everytime I try to change the lemon --because they only last me about a week before they start to rot and fall apart-- I get shocked.
"Because you're plugging an electrical device into a lemon!"
No, no, the lemon IS the electrical device! Listen, I pay $3.99 a week for a bag of lemons and they've served me well as a power source for the last fourteen years. I'd like to go with something bigger for a cheap price, like a watermelon or something, but they're kinda bulky and I'm concerned about how well they hold a charge.
"Fruit cannot be used for electrical power, ma'am."
I spend $16.00 a month on lemons and they ARE a power source. Maybe to save me the trouble of being shocked, would you suggest I wear gloves or something?
--this is where it gets weird--
"Maybe...plug the lemon directly into the ethernet port and completely bypass the ethernet cable? Hold it by the rind, shove it right on there and give it a twist, just to hold it in place."
Hey, yeah! Why didn't I think of that?
"There's also the option of maybe using a larger item, like a grapefruit? Watermelons aren't cheap and they're too big to fit behind the computer, but grapefruits are a citrus and they'll charge up really well..."
--me laughing into the phone--
"Ma'am?"
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON? POWERING A COMPUTER THROUGH CITRUS FRUIT? I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU POWER SHIT IN YOUR COUNTRY, BUT AS FAR AS i KNOW, ELECTRICITY + WET THINGS AUTOMATICALLY DOES NOT EQUAL A GOOD IDEA. THANKS, THOUGH. YOU MADE ME LAUGH ON AN OTHERWISE SHITTY DAY.