{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes","title":"... how fearless it feels, to take off with the wind at your heels","subtitle":"(or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Take the World by Storm)","author":{"name":"Siege"},"link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"service.feed","type":"application\/x.atom+xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom","title":"... how fearless it feels, to take off with the wind at your heels"}}],"updated":"2012-05-13T20:00:36Z","entry":[{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:100692","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/100692.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=100692"}}],"title":"Seven questions meme","published":"2012-05-13T20:00:36Z","updated":"2012-05-13T20:00:36Z","content":"Comment to this post, and I will list seven things I want you to talk about. They might make sense or they might be totally random.

Then post the list with your answers to your Journal. By commenting to it, others can get lists from you, and so we keep the meme running...

My questions posed by <\/a>deadcellredux<\/b><\/a><\/span><\/b>


1) Your favorite book and why?<\/b><\/div>
I don't like superlatives for things like this, honestly.  I have a ton of favorite books for different reasons.  American Gods, because rarely does such a good book surprise me so well.  House of Leaves, because even though I don't know if it's really a great book, it's amazing art and it genuinely scared the shit out of me.  Dealing With Dragons, because it was the perfect tongue in cheek princess-and-a-dragon story.  The Coldfire Trilogy, because OMFG GERALD TARRANT hfgjkfdlhjfkaldgjdakfghkafjlgbf.  (true fax, someday they will make a movie of those books and they will, for some reason, get Benedict Cumberbatch (or Hiddleston, I'd take Hiddleston) to play Gerald and some ridiculously strapping young man to play Damien Vryce and no one will ever see me again because I will masturbate myself to death.)<\/div>
(You think I am kidding.)<\/div>
(I am not.)<\/div>
ANYWAY!<\/div>
2) What is your dream job?<\/b><\/div>
To be independently wealthy and travel around the world being fabulous.  <\/div>
And yes, that's a job.  Have you seen people like Paris Hilton?<\/div>
No, wait, that's my dream job-- to be Paris Hilton.  Yes, I'm serious.  Well.  Mostly.<\/div>
3) What is your favorite season and why?<\/b><\/div>
Winter, because it is cold.  I do not like the heat, and yet I always end up in places that are hot instead of cold.  :(  I also like Spring, but, unfortunately, I can't fully enjoy it because I know it means that summer is coming.  But seriously, I love winter and I love the cold.  I love that it makes you want to snuggle up and drink hot tea and wear scarves and gloves and coats.  All of which are sexy.  Winter is the season of clothes I think are sexy and drinks that I like and not overheating all the time whenever I try to do anything.<\/div>
4) How did you get into fandom?<\/b><\/div>
Well, I've pretty much been into fandom since I discovered the internet-- I was already a fangirl and then, OMG, there were other people out there who liked the same thing?  Yeah, instant.  There was no one moment, unless you count the first time I heard the AOL dial up noise.<\/div>
For some people, it might be a bit surprising what my first fandom was, though-- that would be Phantom of the Opera.  It was really the only thing I ever got THAT level of into, as well.  I probably have well over $1000 of POTO merchandise and related things.  My bedspread was black and white music notes with red piping.  My curtains were the same material with roses twined along the curtainrod.  My whole bedroom was black white and red and I had an entire BOOKSHELF just devoted to my phantom masks and books and music boxes and playbills and memorabilia.  I own the book in the original french.  When I found out that people had pictures online of the different people playing the Phantom in ALW version, I nearly exploded and collected every picture I could.  I read every fanfic I could.  I wrote horrible Mary Sues that I showed to no one.  <\/div>
5) What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?<\/b><\/div>
This is a tough one, actually.  It's particularly tough knowing that there's a definite chance that at least one ex-boyfriend will read this.  :D  For a girl who isn't really much into typical romance stuff, it seems to happen a lot to me.  So... I'm just going to pick a memory totally at random.  The boyfriend who got me into Harry Potter knew that Siruis Black was my favorite character, so he found a totally adorbs black stuffed dog and got a little bone dogtag for it that said "Padfoot" on it, and gave it to me for Valentine's Day so that "he could keep me warm when he wasn't around".  D'awwwwww.<\/div>
6) What is your biggest phobia?<\/b><\/div>
Death.  Hands down, absolutely death.  I sometimes lie awake at night terrified that I am going to die in the middle of the night.  I jump at loud noises and I don't like to fly and I'm scared to drive, but it all boils down to death death death.  I think about it way more than is probably healthy for a normal human being, particularly considering that, eventually, it's going to happen whether I'm scared of it or not.  I have this weirdly pragmatic view about death at some points and enjoy creatures that court death or are related to death or whatever.  But if I actually think about it, it really just scares the piss out of me in a way that few other things can, and on a deeper level than I think it ought to.<\/div>
You may take this question and the next one together to show how totally fucked up I am in the head, if you wish.<\/div>
But I would prefer you to think that I am awesome.<\/div>
ALSO, INCOMING SPOILERS FOR KUROSHITSUJI\/BLACK BUTLER<\/div>
7) Your favorite Reaper from Kuro and why? Because I honestly don't think I know!<\/b><\/div>
Undertaker.  Hands down, don't even have to think about it.  He's ridiculously hot when he's not "pretending" and he's creepy as fuck, but he's *smart*, like seriously, ridiculously smart.  You can easily see WHY he would have been a legendary Grim Reaper, only it's obvious that there's just... something loose in there.  LOVE HIM.<\/div>
<\/a>
"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:100464","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/100464.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=100464"}}],"title":"If you haven't heard from me in awhile, PLEASE read this.","published":"2012-05-10T17:08:13Z","updated":"2012-05-10T17:08:13Z","content":"
\"sorry<\/div>



I\u2019ve been meaning to write this for awhile, but just... haven\u2019t. Some of that is life, most of it is me<\/i>.

Some of you are going to read this and think \u201cwhat in the hell is she talking about\u201d but I know<\/i> that some of you are going to read it and know exactly what I mean, and know exactly what I am talking about. And this is for you, all of you.

None of you are the only one I abandoned.

None of you are the only one I lost touch with and don\u2019t know what\u2019s going on in your lives.

This isn\u2019t exactly an apology and it isn\u2019t exactly an explanation, but it\u2019s somewhere between the two and I\u2019m sure some of you would like to talk more about this in private, which is fine, but I wanted to make this a public declaration-- because I might have done this to someone and not even know I did it.

Some of you might not be aware that I just got through with a pretty dark six months in my life. Maybe not so much on the outside-- I still ran around laughing and having a good time and making awesome memories with some of the people I love. But inside, things have been a total wreck. The problem, I think, with me sometimes is that, when I get depressed, I am not sad. In fact, sometimes I am actually deliriously happy, or at least really enjoying myself. The smile isn\u2019t fake-- the smile is real and when someone says \u201cHow are you?\u201d and I say \u201cGreat! How are you?\u201d it\u2019s not a lie.

But when I am depressed, I don\u2019t want to DO anything. I\u2019ll go out and do things, sure-- if people invite me or if it\u2019s an event or whatever. But I mean, I stop wanting to DO things. Responsibilities, even for fun things, even towards people I love, become burdens and the burdens become too much. I end up with the emotional and creative equivalent of \u201cspoons\u201d-- I only have so much to give and it\u2019s a very small amount, before I am utterly exhausted and just cannot give anymore.

When this happens, sort of out of necessity, all of my \u201cemotional spoons\u201d get spent on the people physically the closest to me, the people who are constantly on my radar, the people who I cannot shut out. In the past, this has really not been too much of an issue. My distant family suffers, more than they should, which I hate, but the damage radius<\/i> has always been pretty low.

But over the past few years, I have ended up more and more on the internet, had friends in an ever growing number of places that I ONLY see online, or that even when I see in \u201cmeatspace\u201d the setting up of those meetings is online. And online is disastrously easy for me to unplug and walk away from.

And then once you walk away for a few weeks, it becomes harder and harder to come back.

The explanations required get longer and longer, the apologies more and more severe, until it becomes too difficult to handle, emotionally, even on your best days. There\u2019s too much to apologize for, too much story in your friends lives that you have missed out on because you weren\u2019t there. Too much gone.

In the past, whenever this happened, I would just pick up and move on. There might be some of you out there on Facebook or LJ who think this pattern sounds familiar. With whom I just \u201clost touch\u201d, stopped returning calls or e-mails or whatever, a long, long time ago. Cut my losses, gather a few close friends around me, and start over, has always been the way I\u2019ve done things. Don\u2019t face up to my stupidity and doubts and the hurt I\u2019ve caused has always been the name of the game.

But I want to do things differently, this time.

I\u2019ve made too many important, wonderful friends out there in the last few years to just totally abandon everything and start over. I love everyone too much.

And this is an invitation to ANYONE out there who reads this, who I\u2019ve lost touch with, over the years due to this. I miss you. I miss my old friends and my newer ones. I miss the memories we made and the things we shared. If you do too, and you feel like it, drop me a line. Some of you I\u2019m too nervous to do that myself with, because of how we ended or what you\u2019re doing now. But I can at least extend an invitation.

I have moved cities without letting you know. I have made crazy life decisions without you knowing about them and without your input. I haven\u2019t been there for you, for your<\/i> crazy life decisions and your hardship and your joys. And I can\u2019t even say it won\u2019t happen again, not with 100% certainty.

But I can say that I\u2019m sorry. I can say that I\u2019m really trying to make this time different, to start a new chapter in my life and to write a different ending. I can say that I miss you, and that it was never any slight against any one person in particular-- just a wholesale unplugging.

I\u2019m sorry.

I love you.

How are you?<\/i>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:100243","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/100243.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=100243"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2012-01-17T18:03:00","published":"2012-01-17T23:04:30Z","updated":"2012-01-17T23:04:30Z","content":"Chapter 65 of Black Butler is out, for the couple of you who care on my list!

Mostly, it's not my favorite and the dialogue seems kind of awkward and disappointingly little actually happens, compared to the past few chapters.

AND THEN.  AND THEN.

In the strange way that their relationship works and in light of the last few chapters, I would have had my mouth hang open and my heart speed up LESS if they had just kissed. 

Because it would have been less intimate than what actually<\/b> happened.<\/i>

That's all I'm saying."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:99775","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/99775.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=99775"}}],"title":"THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH YESES IN ALL THE WORLD.","published":"2012-01-02T08:24:42Z","updated":"2012-01-02T08:24:42Z","content":"Srsly.  I want this so bad I can taste it.

Luckily, sort of like saying you want a sandwich, I think I'm sort of on my way. :D

http:\/\/www.msmagazine.com\/june01\/marriage.html<\/a>
"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:99345","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/99345.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=99345"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-12-28T20:17:00","published":"2011-12-29T01:17:20Z","updated":"2011-12-29T01:17:20Z","content":"Just as a reminder to myself-- I'm pretty sure the book I keep trying to think of is "Special Topics in Calamity Physics" "},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:99085","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/99085.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=99085"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-12-24T02:56:00","published":"2011-12-24T07:57:09Z","updated":"2011-12-24T07:57:09Z","content":"So... I have a tumblr now, I guess?

Still need to work on a layout.<\/a>

Anyone else out there have one, or have any really good ones to recommend?

I think I'm actually going to like it better than either FB or LJ-- it's a little less personal than FB, but I like that it's intended for little snippets of things."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:99023","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/99023.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=99023"}}],"title":"Tea Porn!","published":"2011-12-24T02:23:41Z","updated":"2011-12-24T02:23:41Z","content":"This is what happens when you leave me alone in a house with too much Black Butler and heavy whipping cream.

Those are cinnamon scones.  They are SO FUCKING GOOD.



And this is a close up of my pretty china teaset.  Because I can.

"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:98672","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/98672.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=98672"}}],"title":"Quick question!","published":"2011-12-22T19:54:31Z","updated":"2011-12-22T19:54:31Z","content":"Anyone out there in LJ-land have an invite code for AO3?

Can trade a Dreamwidth code if wanted\/needed.  :D"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:98398","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/98398.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=98398"}}],"title":"Black Butler-fic","published":"2011-12-22T00:56:55Z","updated":"2011-12-22T01:00:13Z","content":"I sat down to prepare for my tabletop game tonight and wrote this instead, like a doofus.

Title<\/b> - The Things We Leave Behind (Elizabeth-centric)
Rating<\/b> -  G, but heavily implied dark themes
Warnings<\/b> - Anime spoilers until the end of the first season, manga spoilers for chapter 57+ 58
Word Count<\/b> - 247
Summary<\/b> - Sometimes, lives run in parallel.  Sometimes, they do not.
A\/N<\/b> - This is not my usual style in the slightest.  This fic also draws from both the anime and manga version of the story, presuming some events were true in both.


He doesn’t notice the callouses, even when she stops wearing gloves to conceal them.

<\/div>
(He sees nothing, if it is not his butler.)<\/i>

<\/div>
She has always been afraid he will see her lie.  When she first meets his butler, she becomes terrified of what will happen if she ever sees his.<\/div>

She makes daisy chains and brings him baubles and sweets (he only likes things that are sweet) and tries to get him to smile.<\/div>

Smile.

---<\/i>

She wears hers bravely as she goes through his things, as what passes as his closest of kin.  She isn’t sure if she really finds what she is looking for, but she finds something.<\/div>

---<\/div>

She wears high heels to his funeral.<\/div>

---<\/div>

When she asks the Undertaker for help, she pays for it by telling him what she intends to do.<\/div>

---<\/div>

The Queen, she thinks, doesn’t need a watchdog, so much as a tiger<\/i>.  She bows before Her Majesty and slides the only ring she’ll ever wear onto her left ring finger.

---<\/div>

She hears a voice behind her and is unsurprised at it’s familiarity.<\/div>

Don’t turn around.<\/i><\/div>

She listens.  Understands the choice.  Understands what there is to be gained.  Oh Ciel... Ciel...<\/i><\/div>

And lost.<\/div>

She thinks Sebastian is surprised when she says no.<\/div>

---<\/div>

Years later, swords limp in her hands, she sees a familiar face and manages to smile.<\/div>

“I’m glad it’s you,” her fingers brush, catch, smear red on red, “I always thought you were beautiful.”

---<\/div>
Paula wears bells to hers.<\/div><\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:98130","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/98130.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=98130"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-12-21T15:58:00","published":"2011-12-21T20:58:59Z","updated":"2011-12-21T20:58:59Z","content":"Been sort of thinking about a lot of things, and there's actually a big serious post I want to write, but it keeps not quite happening.

And that's also kind of the problem, and kind of the thing I'm writing the post ABOUT-- things just kind of not happening, losing touch with people sort of on accident and how much I hate that, and how awkward it then becomes sometimes to attempt to reforge things, being able to do all the big stuff, the heroic, epic, how-can-you-be-so-strong stuff, but having this horrible fear of the this-is-just-Tuesday stuff.  And there's some stuff about RP in there, and what the hell is going on with me and it.

But the post hasn't quite gelled together in all of it's horrible glory yet.

So instead, let me tell you that I have fallen down the rabbithole of the internet and discovered the Kuroshisuji<\/a> (Black Butler) manga and it has basically CONSUMED MY BRAIN.  I honestly don't know if I have ever read something in a visual media that has captured me more than this.  I saw the anime a little while ago, and it was incredible, one of my top five favorite animes and something I would highly recommend to others.  Obviously, I thought it was good.  But it pales horribly in comparison to the manga.

I love all of the characters, all of the character designs are brilliant, it's funny and sad and horrifying and dark.  And everyone has the most ridiculously awesome Victorian clothes and there are meticulous descriptions of teas and china and desserts and food.  And everyone is lusciously beautiful.  Oh, and there are demons and Faustian contracts and death gods.  And these are all quick ways right to the center of my heart.  I mean, seriously.  Victorian demon butler?  That's pretty much everything I love in one phrase.  Well, I guess there could be gender bending.  OH WAIT, THERE IS.  Hmm... I guess it could also have people playing with societal expectations and roles, particularly based on age or gender.  OH WAIT.  Well... in a cast dominated by beautiful men, there could also be a really awesome, ridiculously strong female character, who isn't denying her femininity.  OH WAIT, THERE'S THAT TOO.

I think the only thing the manga is missing is swordfighting lesbians.  But they also haven't completely written themselves out of that, yet, either.

It's kind of strange-- for no apparent reason, several people in several different areas of my life have all simultaneously, and without me talking about it, decided to all ALSO be interested in this series as well.  And that?

That smells an awful lot like something I am about to actually get OBSESSED over, in a way that I usually don't obsess over things.
"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:97810","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/97810.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=97810"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-12-08T21:52:00","published":"2011-12-09T02:52:43Z","updated":"2011-12-09T02:53:37Z","content":"And, apparently, back down into... not depression exactly, but the sort of fucking INTENSE introspection I seem to spend more time doing than not doing these days.  There will likely be an incoherent, full of emotion post that will be somehow beautiful and yet sort of embarrassing in a few days, if not later tonight.  That seems to follow the pattern.

Until then, however, A GAME!

Reply to this entry and I will give you five prompts. Think of a song that fits each prompt, post the five songs to your journal, and explain your choices. Give prompts to the people who reply to you.<\/i>  Many thanks to <\/a>notraffic<\/b><\/a><\/span> for mine! 

I've also provided a runner up choice, with no link or explanation, because I hate ever choosing just one thing.

1. sharp<\/b>



I don't usually think of music, even harsh music, as being "sharp", so this was hard for me.  In the end, though, this was the first thing I thought of and it stuck.  There's something just... raw about this song, in the combination of the lyrics and the music and just the way he sings it.  You can almost see someone grabbing their hair and scraping their knees on the pavement.

Runner up - "Easy As Life" from the musical Aida


2. at rest<\/b>



If "sharp" was hard because I had trouble thinking of songs that were sharp, this one was hard because a TON of songs I love could work for "at rest".  I like a lot of different music, but a sort of quiet peace in a song (usually a darker peace) is something that will instantly make me love it.  In the end, I discovered an interesting thing, though-- ALL of the songs I picked have water imagery in them.  Every last one.  Considering I have waves in my name and I used to fall asleep listening to them when I was little, that's not really surprising, but it's something I didn't realize. 

So I picked the MOST sea oriented one.  :)

Runner Up: "Return to Me" by October Project


3. hard work<\/b>



Because, really.  It has to be this one.

Runner Up: "This Place is Mine" from the musical Phantom.  No, not Phantom of the Opera.  Phantom.

4. daydreaming<\/b>



This was the no brainer of the list, and I'm sure anyone who's read this blog for any length of time knows it.  I love this song so much it hurts.  It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me dream, it makes me hopeful.  And it's perfect for "daydreaming".  I couldn't resist.  Also, for this particular song watch the video<\/b>.  It's the official music video for it and it will haunt you all day.  In a good way.

Runner Up: "Fires at Midnight" by Blackmoore's Night

5. holiday<\/b>

I'm going to take this two ways, because the word means two things to me, particularly at this time of year.  So I'm going to answer once for holiday = Christmas and once for holiday = vacation.

So, for holiday = Christmas<\/b>:

By FAR my favorite is the song "Mary Did You Know?" but I cannot find my favorite version of it anywhere and the version REALLY matters to me.  Because I really don't like it when men sing this song.  I try not to be OMG MEN CANNOT SING ABOUT WOMEN WITHOUT IT BEING SEXIST, but really?  This song when sung by a man, to me, makes it sound kind of... saccharine, I guess, sappy.  Maybe even a little condescending.  But when sung by a woman, there's just this different quality to it, some kind of divine female connection or something.  It brings me to tears.  I'm a Christian, but I'm a Christian in a weird way that other Christians find really hard to accept, and there's just something lonely and beautiful and real<\/i> about this song.  It's what the holidays are about, yo.

This<\/a> is probably the best version I could find, but it's even better when there's a bit more *sweep* to the bridge.

And of course, if there's a runner up, it has to be the net opposite.  But still, probably my very favorite non-Christian Christmas song.



Then, as for holidays as a vacation,<\/b> an unwinding, the choice was quick for me as well.  It would have to be The Toasters "I'm Running Right Through the World"<\/a>  There's just something... irrepressibly summer break about this song.  It's meant to be played in a convertible with the top down and the wind in your hair and nothing at all to do that day except be awesome.  And the lyrics have wanderlust written all in them, too.  

Runner Up: "Down Together" by The Refreshments.<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:97709","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/97709.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=97709"}}],"title":"omg fanfiction?","published":"2011-11-12T03:43:54Z","updated":"2011-11-12T03:43:54Z","content":"I've been in a total creative slump recently in terms of the written word, so much so that I haven't even been able to so much as LOOK at RP and a number of other creative endeavors recently.  Which is kind of weird, because I've been extremely creative otherwise-- been making a lot of fun things and whatnot and working on getting my Etsy shop up and running proper-like.

I think a lot of this slump is just me in full blown "Where the fuck is my life going?" mode.  I've been kind of freaking out and sort of struggling with myself about a lot of things and it's just made me antisocial online in the extreme.  But I'm coming out of it, and coming out of my creative writing slump as well, and then today, I was DETERMINED I WAS GOING TO WRITE SOMETHING DAMMIT.

This has happened every day for the past week.

But today, I did-- fanfiction totally counts!

So here's my latest writing thingy.  I don't think you need to be familiar with Final Fantasy VI to not be totally lost, but it probably would help.  Setzer is an air<\/i>ship pirate\/gambler.  I think that's about the only thing you'd NEED to know.

Title:<\/b> Keen and Cold
Rating:<\/b> PG, if that.
Fandom:<\/b> Final Fantasy VI, written for the prompt on "fic_promptly" - Final Fantasy VI, Setzer\/Celes, her singing voice<\/i>
Summary:<\/b> The second time he hears her sing.

The first time he hears her sing, he’s not even really paying attention.

She’s Maria to him then, a pretty little wisp of a girl that was nothing more substantial to him than air, something to amuse himself with, to while away the lonely hours until death.  She was the operatic heroine who he promised he would sweep away in suitably epic fashion and be-jewel in a mansion in the sky.  How could she help but be taken with him?  He was handsome when he wanted to be, despite the scars, and he caught her with fancy and stories and flattery and she would have been lovely, a pretty little bird, happy and sparkling in her cage.

He might have even loved her, eventually.

What he got, instead, was more ice than girl, more warrior than woman.  She was more beautiful than Maria, though they could have been sisters, but it wasn’t her face.  Here was a bird that would destroy any cage she was put in, and any jailer besides.  He hadn’t yet seen her fight, but she moved like a warrior, and when she slung her first spell, all shards and cold, he had to stop and gape at her.  Terra made sense to him.  Women, in his experience, were creatures of fire and emotion, and seeing her flare up and turn Esper was unsettlingly alien, but it didn’t disturb him half as much as watching Celes’ eyes when she killed.

They were always cold, empty.

Nothing, while they went after Kefka.  Nothing when the world fell around them.  Nothing when she found him again.  Even as she pleaded with him, she didn’t believe that they would be able to do it, to make it back to the sky, to find their friends.  There was nothing there.  She was just going forward because she didn’t want to turn around.  And in many ways, he understood.  He covered it better, so well that sometimes even he believed his own lies, but in the end, weren’t they the same?

And then, one night, after everyone else was in bed, asleep, he wandered up on deck and heard her sing.

He’d always sort of wondered how she’d pulled it off, back at the Opera House.  If she’d been a general her whole life, a swordswoman, a Magitek Knight, how could she have ever fooled anyone into thinking she was an opera star?  Seeing her now, he knew.  

She was standing on the bow of the ship, looking out over the sea, wreathed in a beautiful golden light and he could see the faintest impression of arms around her, female and as insubstantial as the wind.  It took him a moment to recognise what was happening as a strange form of casting, something he had only ever seen her do in the heat of battle.  Here, it looked like she was using the energy to surround herself in that glow, singing softly to herself.  He couldn’t hear the words, but he could hear the clear quality of her voice, and the sadness of the song.  An elegy.  She was singing an elegy.  He couldn’t stand it.  Not here, not now, not with the memory of Daryl hot around him like an engine.  

“Should have known you’d be able to do something like that,” he broke the mood, her thoughts, the song, as he crossed to her, and her annoyance and embarrassment at being interrupted made him feel only about half as bad as listening to her had.  “Siren?”

“Siren,” she confirmed, her voice cold.  Narshe winter had crept into her, as surely as Locke had, freezing even what was left of her heart.  But what did he care?  He wasn’t exactly in this to be a hero.  He just wanted his skies.  He just wanted freedom.  He deliberately invaded her personal space, backed her the single step back to the rail, arm around her to keep her from even the illusion that she might fall, and leaned close.  Her glare could kill a man, but he was already dead, like her.

“You could forget all about him, you know,” he breathed into the air between them, leaned in, knew she could feel the heat of him, “You really are beautiful.  Beautiful and resourceful and powerful.  We’d make a great team, you and I.  Rally the survivors.  Change the world.  That’s what you want, isn’t it?  I can give it to you.”  Choose me.  Let me learn how to melt the ice around you.  Love me.<\/i>  He knew she’d pull away, maybe even freeze him on the deck, slap him.  But he was a gambler, so much of the thrill was in the chase, the inevitable, eventual loss.

“Setzer...” He’d never heard his name said like that before.  Celes sighed and slumped against him, unexpectedly enough that he almost staggered with her weight.  Under his hands, he could feel the tension leave her body, hers tucked neatly against his chest.  Her breath against his neck was warm (warm<\/i>) and even through his astonishment that she would show such a weakness to anyone, much less him, he knew he could tilt her head up, right now, kiss her just so, and she would come undone, tumble into his bed without a second thought.  She wanted so desperately to let it all go, to be swept away, to be a woman instead of a general, instead of a hero, to spend just a night pretending to be passionate and safe and loved.  He knew what it was like, this moment, because he’d shown it to more women than he could name, trying to fill the empty places Daryl had left in his heart.  It would work, he was as sure of it as if he’d loaded the dice.

It would be a disaster.

He curled her closer, pulled her into the warmth of his coat, arms wound further around her back and placed a kiss to her temple.  

“We’ll find him, Celes.  I promise.”  Eventually.  Inevitably.

He’d do what he could.<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:97484","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/97484.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=97484"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-10-25T14:36:00","published":"2011-10-25T18:36:25Z","updated":"2011-10-25T18:36:25Z","content":"I don't know why I feel the need to share this here, but I was on Regretsy and ran across this gem:

\"If I wanted something covered with cum and gold eyeshadow, I\u2019d steal Adam Lambert\u2019s hoody.\"

And have been ON THE FLOOR for the last five minutes."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:97221","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/97221.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=97221"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-10-10T05:43:00","published":"2011-10-10T09:43:36Z","updated":"2011-10-10T09:43:36Z","content":"Semi-unexpectedly out of town for a few days without reliable net access.

It's nothing serious or anything, just a trip that was planned had it's exact date suddenly pinned down and happening.  :D

Be back in about a week!"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:96541","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/96541.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=96541"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-06-03T11:01:00","published":"2011-06-03T15:01:48Z","updated":"2011-06-03T15:19:43Z","content":"Wow... I understand how epidemics in America start, now.

I had to leave work early yesterday because either I have a cold or my allergies have decided they hate me.  My nose is stuffy, my eyes water constantly, I have those deep down in your lungs kind of sneezes and when I do cough, there's crap moving in there.  I don't think it's CAUSED by work, but they're renovating our building and there's crap in the air and it's definitely not HELPED by work.  There's no fever, so I'm not super concerned about it, honestly-- certainly not enough to toss more money into the hole that is emergency health care.

But the earliest my doctor can see me is Monday.  And that's for a new patient evaluation, not to actually see a doctor or get diagnosed with anything.

Hopefully it will be alright because this will be gone by then anyway, I can get new patient certified or whatever and get a note that says "hey, I was sick, but I can come back now" from the doctor, and I won't get a negative point on my already kind of tarnished records for being absent for what's going to amount to about 16 hours of work.  So I'm upset that I can't have someone OMGFIXTHISNOW, and I'm nervous that they aren't going to give me the right note, but overall, it doesn't really MATTER for me.

But I can EASILY see how it WOULD matter.

Let's consider Jane.

Jane is a youngish single mom, mother of two.  Dad pays child support (mostly).  Jane works 40 hours a week and works in an industry (food\/beverage, hospitality, entertainment, customer service, etc) that doesn't have normal working hours.  Jane comes down with a head cold that's worse than mine which is actually the beginnings of a milder flu case.  She calls in to work on Friday because she's really not feeling well, and seeks medical assistance.  Her provider tells her the first available appointment is on Monday.  Jane is (unlike me) scheduled to work on Saturday and Sunday.  It's true that Jane *could* seek urgent non-emergency assistance but (like me) doesn't really have the $250-$300 that out-of-network emergency medical care costs on the LOW end.  What's more likely is that either:

A - Jane will stay out of work for a little more than three whole days, seriously impacting her financial state for the month and will be contagious and trying to live her life in spite of it, telling herself it's not that bad and she'll see the doctor on Monday, spreading germs to everyone she comes in contact with.

B - Jane will suck it up and go to work anyway, spreading her germs to everyone in her office at best, and everyone she flips a burger or takes an order to at worst.

C - Things will become serious enough that Jane's life is threatened and she MUST seek emergency care that is likely more expensive than the original non-emergency urgent care she was going to receive, causing her to have additional financial difficulties.

And, of course, if blue-collar\/white-collar-but-barely Jane passes her flu to everyone around her at her place of work, then suddenly there are 5-30 more people with exactly the same problem who have exactly the same network of doctors to go to.  CAN Jane even choose to stay at home?-- I've worked plenty of jobs where if you couldn't find someone to cover your shift, you came into work unless you were in the hospital.

The whole thing makes me kind of tilt my head in puzzlement that we aren't all sick ALL THE TIME, or that every flu season EVERYONE doesn't get it.  Our bodies fight off crazy, crazy amounts of things.

Also, something in this system really fucking sucks."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:96242","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/96242.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=96242"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-04-20T08:46:00","published":"2011-04-20T12:46:45Z","updated":"2011-04-20T12:46:45Z","content":"Found this on my friend's list this morning and figured I'd pass it along, since I know it's relevant to at least one of you guy's interests:

http:\/\/shop.ebay.com\/scarborough777\/m.html?_adv=1&_dmd=1&_in_kw=1&_ipg=50&_sop=12&_rdc=1<\/a>

Big ol lot of Transformers and other toys for ya to bid on, if you're so inclined."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:95773","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/95773.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=95773"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-04-19T08:52:00","published":"2011-04-19T12:52:09Z","updated":"2011-04-19T12:52:09Z","content":"Kind of a short one but...

Been watching a very interesting anime series recently called "Black Butler".  While the anime itself is pretty PG, it hits damn near every kink button I possess.  Also, it's beautiful and one of the main characters looks like Turk Vincent, which probably helps my enjoyment.

But seriously.  Power politics\/negotiation and redemption and forgiveness (and the lack thereof), and a character obviously growing up as a person over the course of things and how that affects the power politics in play and... unf.  Srsly.  I wish I could be more critical of this show, because there are bits of it that are REALLY stupid, but most of it I'm just totally fascinated by.

But there's an interesting motif that keeps coming up separate from all that that keeps bouncing around my head.  I don't have anything wise to say about it as of yet, but it's rattled around in there enough that I figured a post about it was in order.

This concept is the idea that the struggles and trials and bad things that happen to you in your life form you as a person and make who you are, standing in front of your mirror right now.  And if any of those trials were erased, or if you lost the way you feel about them-- the negative emotions you associate with them, or the afflictions themselves then, in a way, who you were right now would die.  You would be someone else entirely.  I'm used to the concept that our pains and joys are what make us who we are, but I've never seen a piece of media espouse the sort of bottom of that slippery slope before-- that we can't really give up our pain and "move on" without losing something of ourselves in the process.  I don't know if I believe that, or if I did, that I'd believe it was a bad thing, but I've never seen that expressed like that before.

And of course, that also makes me consider the things in my life that I have considered my "burdens" and the things I still (often despite my best intentions) hold negative emotions for.  And how many of those things have actually led to things that were good, in a strange sort of symphony.

I could probably go on about this, but work doesn't do itself.  :)"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:95594","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/95594.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=95594"}}],"title":"Letter time... again!","published":"2011-04-12T04:09:09Z","updated":"2011-04-12T04:09:09Z","content":"I want to get back in the habit of writing letters.  And I KNOW I posted this before a while ago, and I KNOW half of you never got a letter, but meh, going to try posting it again and try again.

Comments are screened-- reply with your address if you want a CJ letter.

This also applies even if you don't really know me all that well-- I'll just write you some kind of introductory "OMG HI!" kind of thing."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:94977","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/94977.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=94977"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-03-18T00:23:00","published":"2011-03-18T04:23:18Z","updated":"2011-03-18T04:23:18Z","content":"LARP LARP LARP!!!

Tomorrow is the big LARP event and I'm so excited I don't even know how I'm going to get through work tomorrow, seriously.

I don't really have anything else coherent to post, but I'll let you all know how it goes.  :D"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:94895","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/94895.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=94895"}}],"title":"Ok... so...","published":"2011-03-08T12:45:09Z","updated":"2011-03-08T12:45:09Z","content":"I'm a little all kinds of flummoxed right now.

As most of you know, I went in last week in a total mess and quit my job because I Could Not Take it Anymore.  I wrote a very well thought out, but very open and blunt letter about my issues with my job and the company and my health and why I was leaving and unhappy.

And... they promoted me to keep me.  O_o

Considering that they last time I had issues with a job, they basically told me I didn't even need to put in my two weeks and would I please not let the door hit me on the way out, this was completely unexpected.  I hadn't even considered it as a remote possibility, that they would read my letter and do anything but shake their head and think I was idealistic for wanting a job in this state that's sitting down and had, you know, actual BREAKS during the day at all, and paid more than nothing.

But instead, starting on Wednesday, I start my training to move over to the Correspondence Dept.  

This means: I will not be on the phones anymore for more than a few calls a day.  If I need to take a break to stretch\/walk around\/destress I can, and I don't really have to account for it as long as I get my work done.  I can snack at my desk so I'm not FUCKING STARVING every day by the time I get to lunch and dizzy and stomach-achey.  If I need to call out for my hives (until May, when I actually get insurance) I can, and it's not as big of a deal because there's no call volume for me to consider.  Oh, and did I mention that even though there are a ton of form e-mails, some e-mails there aren't ones for and I will be responsible for writing those?  It's not exactly storybuilding, but my job duties now include WRITING.  ... *WRITING*.  For MONEY.  As part of my JOB.  Baby steps.  

Also, I know the two other main girls in the Correspondence Dept and they are both pleasant and fun to be around.  The job isn't technically a promotion, just a side-grade from where I am, currently-- no raise and no new underlings\/change in the chain of command-- but I'll probably end up with a bigger desk and my own extension, and it's considered within the dept to be VERY prestigious to not be tied to the phones anymore.

I'm actually kind of glad I don't have to leave.  I HATED THAT JOB SO MUCH, but the people in the reservations department and that staff the building are so awesome.  I was already missing people and I wasn't even gone yet, and they are people that I don't have much in common with to stay in contact with, but are just good people, and I was mourning that.  It's kind of hard to find a job where you like nearly everyone you talk to from the time you walk in to the time you walk out.  And now I (hopefully-- I'm still not above quitting again if the correspondence thing isn't the answer I'm hoping it is) I don't have to.

Still kind of in a state of shock though.

They like me enough to promote me to keep me, even with my issues.

I just...

O_o"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:94296","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/94296.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=94296"}}],"title":"...I wish I'd known it was this easy.","published":"2011-02-04T19:45:56Z","updated":"2011-02-04T19:45:56Z","content":"So, I was talking to some of my WoW guildies the other day and someone asked what I looked like, and I sent the default picture I send of myself because its one of my favorites and it's already been on the internet for so long now that anyone who might be trying to stalk me could probably find it anyway and whatnot.  And doing this causes me to have to add the disclaimer, "But I'm four sizes larger now"  Which has now led to me having to figure out why I felt the need to tell someone who will never see me in person that, and also has led to me looking at a bunch of old pictures of myself.

I indulged myself with a little bit of a pity party this morning about how I used to be beautiful and didn't realize it (because of COURSE when I was 75 lbs lighter than I am now, I still thought I was totally disgustingly fat) and how I'll never be that size again.  And then I indulged in a little bit of guilt about feeling that way because those are EXACTLY the kind of sentiments I'm trying to completely banish from my life.  And then I ALSO indulged in a little bit of impotent anger at how it's so HARD to try to get fit and how I wish I could do it without going to the gym or having to get sweaty.

And then, something really weird happened.

I don't know how to explain it beyond just saying it was like a little switch flipped in my head.

Suddenly, I liked my body.

Not in a "oh, I'm fine just the way I am" way or suddenly I didn't wish I was still a size 12.  None of that went away.  In fact, I'm still kind of fighting that in my head even as I type this.  But in a "hey, this isn't just my vehicle getting me through life, this is ME, and it's kind of awesome" sort of way.  I don't know.  It's hard to explain.  

And then I went to the gym.  Because I wanted to feel what it felt like to move around while I was feeling this elated about being in my skin.  I told myself it wasn't about any particular goal, or distance or speed or anything.  I was just going to go and walk on the treadmill until I felt like stopping.  I was at the gym 30 minutes, and I only stopped because I was getting really hot and I could feel hives creeping up and so I went home and had a cool shower and am typing this.  Oh, and stretched, of course.  And guys?

IT FELT AMAZING.

It felt so good to just MOVE.  To know I was going to get all hot and icky and whatnot (which I still hate) but that that was a side effect of MOVING.  Without any pressure to go a certain time, or distance, or have to "beat" my previous time.  It wasn't about my health or my size or anything.  It was just about being me, about moving around as me and enjoying it.

I wanna do it again.  :D"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:94095","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/94095.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=94095"}}],"title":"OMIGOD!","published":"2011-01-30T17:13:11Z","updated":"2011-01-30T17:13:11Z","content":"Okay, so I know a bunch of you are in climates currently where being snowed in is still a huge threat or may even be in the process of happening.  You can hate on me all you like for this post, but remember that you'll be getting the last laugh in three months when it's beautiful there and a fucking sauna everywhere there is to go here.

It is the time of year here where one starts to think about their bathing suits.

There's still some cold weather left, of course, but usually by March there will be a couple of days where you're going to wish you had one, sooner than that if you happen to have access to a heated pool.  It won't really be SWIMMING weather until April or May, but there's a lot of stuff you do outdoors here that requires a swimsuit, really, that is not swimming.  Not the least of which is just sitting out in the sun, which always feels like tanning everywhere else and bad for you, and always feels REALLY REALLY good and healthy here.  (Don't worry, I wear SPF 3 million and reapply and whatnot)

So anyway.  I'm fat and looking for a bathing suit, which are two things that don't normally taste great together, but I own three bathing suits and, after having them all for three years, I am wretchedly tired of ALL of them.  But I just haven't found anything else that looked cute, fit me, and didn't cause my boobs to fall out of it at the slightest provocation.

And then I found this: http:\/\/www.etsy.com\/listing\/62190278\/plus-size-monokini-swimsuit-swimwear<\/a>

I LOVE IT.

I love that it's more covering than your typical bikini, but because it looks like it's supposed to be a one piece, it FEELS scandalous.  I feel sexier just LOOKING at it.  I HATE HATE HATE dumpy swimsuits, but I also hate feeling like all my stuffs hanging out.

Anyway, have to wait until next paycheck (or maybe the one after... stupid hives) to acquire it, but IT WILL BE MINE before spring break-time this year.  Oh yes.  It will be."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:93798","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/93798.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=93798"}}],"title":"Interesting information about Austin.","published":"2011-01-28T15:46:36Z","updated":"2011-01-28T15:46:36Z","content":"When people ask me where I've preferred living out of all the places I've lived, I usually hem and haw about it, because there are such good things everywhere I've lived.  But one of the things I usually say about Austin is how much I loved it, but how I can't ever feel like I can afford it there.  Which, I always mention in longer conversations, is weird, because groceries are less, apartments aren't any MORE and public transportation and safe places are more abundant than any other city I live it.  And yet, there's this weird and terrible pressure in Austin that does not exist other places to SPEND MONEY.  And I've always said that 3\/4ths of the money you end up spending in Austin is so you can look and feel like an Austinite.

I've been sort of hard-pressed to explain this to people who have never lived in the area, but people who do live there always kind of nod, but can't really put it into words either.

Interestingly, I have always cited Maryland as being the best place I've lived for that-- a place where people seem to just be doing their own thing and not really being concerned with what anyone thinks about it in a normal, even keel kind of way.  If you're outrageous, you're really outrageous, and if you're normal, you're normal and maybe people give you weird looks, but there's no personality you have to aggressively conform too, like there can definitely be in Austin.

Orlando is somewhere between.

And then, today, there's this:

http:\/\/money.bundle.com\/article\/top-spending-cities-personal-care-what-were-paying-keep-healthy-fit-and-looking-good\/<\/a>

And it doesn't surprise me ONE BIT."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:93575","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/93575.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=93575"}}],"title":"arrrragh!","published":"2011-01-16T20:55:16Z","updated":"2011-01-16T20:55:16Z","content":"gfjkadghadfkhgfjkadnjh

Srsly, facebook.  HOW MANY TIMES do I have to mark ads relating to pregnancy or marriage-- two things, I might add, that I have NEVER discussed on my FB- as uninteresting before you STOP SHOWING THEM TO ME!

First-world problem, I know, and not as bad as having hives all over you, but it irritates me, and it irritates me that I can't post to FB about it because then I'm sure it will actually pick up on the words and send me MORE!"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fromherashes:93310","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/93310.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fromherashes.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=93310"}}],"title":"fromherashes @ 2011-01-13T10:00:00","published":"2011-01-13T15:00:37Z","updated":"2011-01-13T15:00:37Z","content":"Home with hiiiiiiiiiiiives....

Or, well, today it's with pre-hives.  I itch so bad it's driving me crazy trying not to scratch, but so far there's no actual hives.  Still, I called in because I know the heater is on today and if I go, it's just going to get worse.  I fucking hate this.  This job is not spectacular, but it's a job with a paycheck and I'm good at it.  I'd like to maintain that.  But being allergic and adding that stress of "am I going to be miserable and break out today or not" to work related stress is really making my head spin.

Anyway, I went out and did a bit of drinking last night after a hard day of work, nothing too heavy because I knew there was a high likelihood of me having to call in today for the hives and I'm very adamant, as someone who'd like to someday own a business or be a manager, that I NEVER call out because I have done something stupid.  EVER.  If I stay up too late or drink too much or just don't feel like going in that day, I drag my happy ass to work.  I was not always so scrupulous about school, but I draw the line with employment because THEY are paying ME instead of the other way around.

But anyway, I went out and had a few beers last night and I kind of want to talk about this amazing place near me called World of Beer.  But more than that, I want to talk about clothes.

No matter WHAT I am wearing when I go out to a bar, or a club, or anything else that isn't dinner or a movie, I always feel like I'm dressed... wrong, somehow.  It's always a little different-- some nights it's that I don't feel like I'm dress appropriately, some nights it's cause I think I look fat, some nights it's that I can't walk right in the shoes I've picked, some nights it's that I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me, maybe because I've made some kind of crazy fashion faux-pas.  If I dress up and get all sexy, then I'm the only person at the bar that looks like they made an effort at all, and I feel weird being oversexed.  If I just toss things on and look like a slob because I just want a beer, dammit, then every other female in the bar will be wearing her fuck-me boots and a little skirt, and I feel like I SHOULD have made an effort.  Some of this is TOTALLY the desire to be seen as the attractive, mysterious girl in the corner, the diamond sparkling in a room full of lesser gems, the whole sex-appeal thing.  But some of it is just the desire to fit in.

I've been fighting this REALLY hard lately.

Because the truth is, I DON'T fit in.  And when I DO fit in, I don't even LIKE it.  

But I DO like being comfortable in what I'm wearing and wearing interesting things and combinations of things.  I'm not one of the people who can get away with the completely funky, mismatched stuff, nor do I yet possess a full steampunk closet to wear all the time, but I CAN get away with an unusual hairstyle or pop art jewelry, or a really weird scarf or something.  But for most of my life... I haven't.  Because I always feel like I'm dressed "wrong" for where I am.  And, kind of ironically, the thing that made me toss all that bullshit out the window was meeting this woman who IS the girl wearing the right thing all the time.  She's the one you always look at when you walk in the room, who's having a blast and looks fabulous and like she just stepped out of the pages of a fashion magazine.  You know those things you look at on the rack or in the picture and think "who the HELL did they design this for?  This cannot possibly look good on anyone!"?  She wears them and looks fabulous.  And early on in knowing her, I kept thinking that I OUGHT to be jealous or snarky or trying to find flaws with her, or trying to somehow compete.  But I wasn't.  And, somehow-- and I don't understand the connection, but it's definitely connected in my head-- that flipped the switch to not really caring as much about how I look as compared to other people.

So last night, even though I knew we were going to a bar (and ended up at a snazzy dueling piano bar for a bit as well) I wore jeans and a t-shirt with a kind of provocative (as in "what the hell does that mean" not "ooh, sexy") saying on it and sneakers and Didn't Care.  Oh sure, I had moments, but overall, I just did not give a shiiiiiit.  I was there to be comfortable with my oncoming hives and have a beer and fuck everyone else or what they thought of me.

...I had more people flirt with me and randomly start up a conversation with me (mostly based on the shirt, but still) than I have had when I've gone out in MONTHS.  Put together.

I don't know whether the moral of this story is that you should be comfortable with yourself and people will be more interested in you, or if it's that I need more shirts that have conversation starters on them.

Either way, I'm calling last night a personal win-- not because people suddenly talked to me in a public venue, but because I went out, felt comfortable with myself and got immediate validation that I'm not a total social leper for doing so.

F T W."}]}