![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/31157\/31157_800.jpg\")
\n \n (WHAT is it about this fucking age group about this 'soldiering on\/hate medicine' shit? Friends are facing this with their parents too. At least my Dad \u2014 who got diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks after John died, yes more fun times!<\/em>, we had a leak at the flat as well a week after \u2014 is like 'gimme ALL THE MEDS' and is fighting it, unlike John).<\/p>\n My world is still totally destroyed and utterly pointless, 9 weeks later. <\/p>\n Dating again is a very distant and probably never possibility, as I am thrust into being single for the first time in a generation, but if I do, I am so NOT dating older men anymore<\/strong>. Sex\/friendship yes, relationships, hell no. Can't handle this again...it's around my age or younger from now on.<\/p>\n We talked about it 20 years ago and I said I was fine with it, John wanted to stop the relationship after his best friend and father died because he was worried about how I would handle the grief of losing him. He was right, I wasn't fine with it at all. I have never experienced grief properly. So my first time is the big one...yay me?<\/em><\/p>\n\n Trying to sort out the flat, he was an extreme hoarder of all kinds of paper shit, timetables, maps, magazines, napkins, you name it...and he hadn't done anything to this place in 30 years, so the place is a Grey Gardens falling apart damp hellhole. Going to be a long time to reverse that, it's even slower in grief. The problem is I hit bombshells in the form of his notes, and stuff he kept. 99% of it is total 'why did you keep this crap?' level, but the 1% is emotional landmines, about our relationship, stuff he kept from me, lovely moments, memories etc. Those make it hard to continually clear stuff.<\/p>\n I do what I can. His ashes are here.<\/p>\n I will always miss you, my beautiful man, this was played at his funeral.<\/p>\n So a big challenge has been getting inspired again about the podcast...I knew it would happen if I just did a time-out, and I think I worked out what the problem was.<\/p>\n In October 2020 I split the podcast<\/a> into two, as a response to new mashup people who had NO idea about the old guard. In a huff about the lack of knowledge I did special mashup podcasts, kind of back to where I started, alternating with non-mashup podcasts. <\/p>\n I quickly found that people were waiting for me to 'go back to mashups' but that the audience was very fickle \u2014 people would support the podcasts they were featured on, and then never be seen for dust for the rest.<\/p>\n I got quite depressed about the whole thing, because it was obvious that it was tumbleweed for the other podcasts, and bursty \u2014 but not really a long term audience \u2014 for the others. So I stopped doing them in January \u2014 that podcast as sitting on my hard drive for 2 WEEKS before I edited it, that's how excited I was to get it out. Never happened before. Warning Klaxon!<\/strong><\/p>\n So finally there are some songs and things I want to play, including mashups. I am now intending to reunify the two parts of the podcast...<\/p>\n\n Playing around with the playlists in Traktor I've realised a) how unmixable with non-mashups a lot of the mashups I was selecting for the other shows are, bit like the community it doesn't really play well with others...and b) that you can get away with meh-ups as a friend calls them, stuff that isn't so great if it's surrounded by other mashups. As soon as you plop it next to a good non-mashup, all of it's problems come out of the woodwork like little bugs.<\/p>\n So yes, I think I was settling for lesser just to pack those episodes with mashups, that's what the nagging feeling was, that I felt I was doing it 'for the audience' and not me, that I felt like a mashup jukebox, and that I was playing stuff that worked but tbh some of it probably isn't the best given the frequency. <\/p>\n It's exactly why I stopped doing nearly 100% mashup podcasts back in 2006...because there are some GREAT mashups, now over 20 years of them, and more if you include what came before as I do....but it's rather too 'rich' and 'sickly sweet' to have them all in regularly, and a 2 hour podcast you soon run out of the best ones. New good interesting mashups are out there, but they are not arriving every day.<\/p>\n So back to mashups all mixed in, more this time, not the odd one or two I did for years, but I'm finding this process doesn't let the mashups off the hook, and insists they are friendly with other tracks AND are at that level. <\/p>\n It really has filtered down a lot of them, but I think it's for the best. <\/p>\n And yes, little clumps of them work too \u2014 and like all tracks that don't Make Up And Be Friendly<\/a> I can put the best ones at the start or end....but it really does put a magnifying glass onto them in harsh sunshine. <\/p>\n I'd rather play the best music including some mashups than try to include everyone and it be a bit shit, and have a smaller audience that gets what I do vs a larger one that really doesn't care about the wider picture. Because I have to stay inspired and interested too \u2014 and I can't just do that as it was.<\/p>\n It'll probably be called 'Highs and Blows (Puppet Show)' or just bluntly 'You Don't Get Me High Anymore' after this cover\/song which will feature. <\/p>\n Every podcast there is 1-2 'key songs' and it's all about the lyrics usually, a message to you, Rudy. I sneak several layers and levels in, even the names have double meanings, I like things hidden in plain sight like that, like secret public codes. That said, I think this one in places is going to be direct, too direct I worry....<\/p>\n I think one of the things that will take a long time after this whole pandemic is to regain my trust in people. It broke severely during lockdown and is not repaired.<\/p>\n As someone who is at risk and in the vulnerable category for COVID, the whole 'freedom' debate to not have a vaccination or not wear a mask or protect others is basically saying 'I don't care if you live or die, I'm gonna do what I want, and screw you'.<\/strong> It's blatant as if they said 'go away and die' to my face. Major lack of respect to me and it is incredibly rude. You bet I take it personally.<\/p>\n Their freedom is my demise, yet weirdly they get all upset and play victim when I don't respect their decision that their 'freedom' - such major life-changing actions<\/em> like wearing a mask indoors in public spaces or a vaccination, such onerous tasks <\/em>*eyeroll* - basically stops mine (and might stop my life, let alone freedom!), and makes me have to shield and avoid people like that cos they are most likely carriers. <\/p>\n They cry about free speech and 'MAH FREEDUMB' but what about MY freedom to not get COVID-19 and be seriously ill or worse? Apparently that's not worth shit. Apparently they think it's some Darwinism in action, and cull the herd and screw science or caring.<\/p>\n\n Sadly the intersection between these people and those who think LGBTQ people or other minorities should also 'go away and die somewhere else' is high also. These people<\/a> don't give respect<\/a>, so why are they demanding it in return for nothing? That's not how it works. You've gotta give for what you take<\/em>, as George Michael sang once.<\/p>\n I don't care <\/strong>for people who are happy for me to die, I don't care <\/strong>for their 'opinion' which really isn't an opinion it's actually bloody-mindedness and lack of empathy and lack of critical thought wrapped up as a hot take. They just don't want to be inconvenienced - but are happy to inconvenience - or kill other people. In that case fuck those people.<\/em> <\/p>\n I don't care if they die, but I do care if they kill us all on the way.<\/p>\n (reposted from FB \u2014 triggered by the outburst of friends of friends there, but also the whole <\/em>Joe Rogan thing<\/em><\/a>, which Spotify is rightly in damage-control over, but they were 100% fine with before it blew up, so screw them \u2014 they pulled my podcast over one copyright track, but apparently spreading<\/em> lies about COVID, racist and transphobic language is fine?<\/em><\/a> <\/em><\/p>\n And some of the podcasters are defending him? It's beyond belief. Shouting fire in a crowded theatre is <\/em>not free speech<\/strong><\/em>, spreading public health lies and starting riots are traditionally where free speech stopped \u2014 not anymore it seems. You might have noticed the change in my LJ headline \u2014 it's a Charles Bukowski quote from 'The Genius of the Crowd\" \u2014 I used a version read by him in a recent mashup<\/a>, about being an artist in an age of indifference. <\/p>\n It's as much a message to myself, but the lyrics of Jimmy Eat World's The Middle are far better and far more poignant than they ever deserve to be....mixed with Etherwood, so drum and bass.<\/p>\n And also a few more mashups from the same challenge \u2014 inspired by the bandlist of the frankly odd 'When We Were Young' festival later this year in Las Vegas.<\/p>\n One a rather sad slow mashup, mixing Wolf Alice's Lipstick On The Glass with Slowdive's Falling Ashes<\/a> and a more upbeat new wave one that I think This one goes out to Jeb Why? I dunno, I have been clubbing a few times since it opened up last August but it's not the same. As I said on the blog post, I have a lot of trauma re: the pandemic that is just sitting there, and I need to try and process that somehow. Is it mild PTSD? I lost a lot during the pandemic, friends, a peer group, my business, my freedom, and sometimes almost my sanity, and it's proper that it bubbles up sometimes. It would be strange if it didn't.<\/p>\n And there was a feeling that during the pandemic from some that this was frivolous, that the desire to connect on the dancefloor and socially was some minor thing, that it's just a bunch of drunk people and who cares? That hurt, cos my community is on the dancefloor, my church the club, my religion is disco and that's far from silly, I am deadly serious on that, even when joking about it. My spiritual outlet is music, and dancing is part of that, it's people who forgot where the rituals and smells and bells came from <\/em>that are the problem.<\/p>\n Also quite often these people were cishet white ppl who didn't get how minorities need these spaces, ones they take for granted. I felt real grief about losing these spaces during the lockdown.<\/p>\n Here is the longer (and better) mix with fan footage which makes it more poignant somehow:<\/p>\n This is a sort of cross-post from Radio Clash<\/a> but not really, since I am writing more personally and indepth here. Podcasting and the like is about sharing but there is a limit \u2014 I go much deeper here and I like the fact that it's only a few people. I feel rather exposed sometimes over at the podcast\/blog and choose my words very careful especially about certain subjects. <\/p>\n I've become a little bolder in some (John when he pisses me off) but less in others. I don't need the concern trolls if I mention the S-word...my situation is a little like Joe Tracini,<\/a> Joe Pasquale's son, although he feels the need to put those things out there to stop him doing anything, in my world it's less direct and thankfully less active and less mentally collapsible. I also don't have BPD, but I recognise some similarities, it does dovetail with depression.<\/p>\n I am really glad he is fighting that taboo, I was so angry when Hamish died how many people just blanked me...(and he had schizophrenia, which isn't an 'excuse' but a reason, but I still got tumbleweed talking about his suicide) but as well as no reaction, overreacting people make it worse and make us just suffer in silence. <\/p>\n It's weird they think they are helping, but they really aren't.<\/strong><\/p>\n It's just a thought that's there always, and has been for nearly a decade \u2014 and was whispers before that back to my teens \u2014 and I'm still here. The problem being if you mention it \u2014 and I have to a few close people they freak the fuck out <\/strong>(weirdly an ex? friend had a bigger problem with it and he actually has had several actual attempts? WTF?) and don't get that thoughts do not equal planning, and it's an idle thought that gets rejected, so nothing I think as serious. It's just my depression chatting shit.<\/p>\n It still pops up though, like an unwanted notification from time to time, a bit like that scene from American Werewolf In London. Comical, really.<\/p>\n But the reason I don't go vastly public with any of this is that exact overreaction which means even though I talk about mental health online I cannot talk about this without the dreaded panicky 'You must go take some drugs and get therapy' line, which is basically saying to me 'I can't cope with this subject so here is a dragged and dropped solution to make myself feel better'. <\/em>It's not actually listening to me.<\/p>\n Sadly it's like 3+ years to even see anyone even with our apparently 'better' health system, and I really don't want to spend that time in the interim making the drug companies rich. I will if it gets bad, but it'd have to get very bad to subject myself to that kind of treatment. Do they even know how SSRIs work yet? It does seem like using a sledgehammer on a peanut.<\/p>\n I currently control it through my art\/creative outlets and through sleeping, riding those ups and downs like an expert surfer, looking for the tides in the distance, feeling the wind, recognising the signs before it gets bad. It's exhausting sometimes but I am sceptical of the main 'solutions' \u2014 it seems the best thing for me is to make peace with it, and bargain with your brain rather than smack it over the head with drugs or talking therapies. I have had some bad experiences with doctors and how they handle my anxiety and stress, re: my old job, so this isn't some idle concern.<\/p>\n But that's just how I handle it \u2014 and others it works for them. That's why it's so complex, because there isn't just one way \u2014 and weirdly all the talking therapies stop working after a while, 10-15 years \u2014 which without going all woo suggests to me that there is kind of a social brain or human mycellular brain network that adapts? It is very strange why those 70's and 80's techniques don't work anymore, and the clock is ticking on NLP and CBT* the like.<\/p>\n You see I already shared something I've never shared online, hinted at maybe, and publicly too! Yet anybody flagging this will result in this getting denied and I will just make the blog private again btw. Trust works both ways.<\/p>\n Part of my wariness of re-engaging here was the fact if I did so, it must be like before, but before there were some who abused that and trod on it. Vulnerability online in 2022 is harder, because of the drive-by nature of some comments (you should see some of the shit I get via Twitter and on the Radio Clash blog \u2014 and Reddit, completely green ink, but thankfully they make themselves known and then you can block them for a quieter life, and it does get quieter cos it seems to be a few trolls). Always never need any hinting to play some 90's rave at you \u2014 which was basically like Raven Maize and The Source a mashup in all but name. Talking Heads remains slyly tinkling in the background in the released version, and the guitar riff and other bits were re-recorded, but the original had bits from the Pink Floyd (the titular sample which was lost in the released version), The Osmonds \u2014 Crazy Horses riff, Afrika Bambaataa and many more...<\/p>\n Must play this original version if I can track it down and I haven't before on the podcast.<\/p>\n But the title has a double meaning and talking of the podcast that's part of the problem, a general feeling that I am shouting into the void. All artists and creatives get this, but it's bad atm. <\/p>\n What doesn't help is that I got lectured at last year by an longterm figure in the mashup community as a 'gatekeeper' and that I should 'spread the love to other artists' \u2014 I already do, most of Radio Clash<\/a> is bigging up other people's work \u2014 that's the point. I promote music I love, from mashups to originals. The thing was they want to spread the love to what THEY think we should do, the commercial side, the side that isn't engaged with our small community. I see no point in that, if you're already fucking with major labels then you don't need my help (but you will get screwed over, it's a fool's game). <\/p>\n\n I'm more like John Peel, I want to feature what I love, and see no reason to go for the commercially 'sensible' option, although of course I want my stuff to be heard, so there is a contradiction there...and of course if I see something that aligns with what I want to do, and it's funny and I think I can do something creative with it, spin it\u2014 I jump on that bandwagon, but not for likes\/clicks but maybe the ever-present algorithms will show me to a new audience? I love to subvert those viral things \u2014 by the time they are big the moment has passed anyway!<\/p>\n What gets my goat is it very one-sided; people are interested in their own works being featured, but drive-on-by the rest of the podcast. They promote their own stuff, dump it on sites they never frequent\/rarely interact on, and criticise me if I don't feature theirs or stuff they like...but then don't share the love with my mashups and podcast, which cannot get arrested usually. <\/p>\n Some do, and some old hands are the reason why I still do it, but some are only in it 'for the money' (or fame or bragging rights or 'make a point' or whatever) and seem rather flexible about their support when it doesn't further their interests. The Bootleg Archive<\/a> is similar, others using it for their own agenda but then not paying it forward. <\/p>\n Raiding the Archive for tracks to play on their Twitch streams to get subs, but not adding more tracks to it. 'Someone else's problem'. Grr. I mention this, and I get told to employ an unpaid intern. Err, yeah, not going to exploit people...the whole point of crowdsourcing these projects is that everyone can do it, DIY. Adding exploitation to the mix is never a good thing (and tells you a lot about their class politics)<\/p>\n That is a really depressing thought, that I bring hours of new music to people \u2014 days of the stuff, I haven't counted recently but 361 podcasts of 45-2:30 hours each is a lot of stuff, not counting the live streams, sets and mixtapes. <\/p>\n And it has always felt like a very lonely task, and one that can't even get the odd comment on the blog. It does feel like it's dying, but then I felt bad when I did the three year hiatus \u2014 later 2014 to early 2018 yet didn't really miss the podcast, I do feel I ended it too early...hence the comeback. But it does feel that without being on iTunes and Spotify \u2014 no thanks to UMG, gits \u2014 the audience is smaller and shrinking? <\/p>\n I know the usual lecture \u2014 do your thing, fuck anyone else, do it for you etc. Or that I can hardly get low figures to turn out to listen to one after all this time? Especially the people who get sad if I stop or stop doing it, but then many of those don't actually turn out to support...those things aren't somehow unrelated.<\/p>\n (*The irony being with the lyric in that hook that B. Dolan pretty much left Facebook last year....for his Discord and Minecraft!) <\/p>\n Reminds me one of the best hiphop gigs I ever went to along with Epic Beard Men (seen them twice, B Dolan and Sage Francis) and El-P doing a tiny set at Bestival was Kae Tempest pre-big fame in the Crow's Nest at Glastonbury, and they did that, got into the 20-30 capacity audience and rapped live, without mic. It was amazing. So I totally get what he means...but also the whole 'it's been a struggle' sentiment hits hard with me. that others seem to have it easier\/privilege and I struggle with shitty broken equipment \u2014 look at all the streamers, DJs, YouTubers \u2014 nearly all white, cis, well-off. <\/p>\n That's why. And I'm technically able and better than most, so others have no chance unless rich parents or patrons. I don't have people giving me a new Apple Mac Book Pro M1 laptop....as happened to one of the new industry supported TikTok mashup stars. Whereas I post my first three videos, two get immediately muted. Meh. <\/p>\n The silver spoon was definitely not in my mouth, I do not 'fit'. <\/p>\n<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:671291","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/671291.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=671291"}}],"title":"Where are we now?","published":"2022-01-28T01:18:57Z","updated":"2022-01-28T01:34:06Z","content":" Indeed, where are we, as Bowie once put it. <\/p>\n The answer is, I don't know. <\/strong><\/p>\n Not being dramatic, but as someone who next month is probably going to have my official status as self-employed pulled by the DWP (our benefits agency that helped me go onto the enterprise scheme I am on that started just before the pandemic) \u2014 or indeed forced to 'look for work' that I don't know is there when I'd rather do my art work...that uncertainty is almost a taste at this point. <\/p>\n It's fine, with the pandemic and everything I have decided not to freak out and have been saving like crazy over the last few years, storing art materials, and accepting that me and the DWP will have to part ways at some point. <\/p>\n Not being an artist and going back to the hell that was three years on the dole is not an option (after my mother's inheritance ran out, I was forced to move from my old flat in with John and sign on; it's soul destroying and social genocide basically, they try and make you ill or make you angry so they can sanction you. It's very Orwellian). <\/p>\n I've tried the other things, trying to get jobs in ALDI and Waitrose and in my former industry \u2014 some close calls, but it was all for naught and just made me quite ill with stress and depression. I, Daniel Blake is pretty much a documentary \u2014 one of the bad things is you can NEVER show weakness. If you do they seize on it. It's brutal.<\/p>\n\n So out of that a positive decision, to keep going no matter what. It's what I was trained to do, and it seems my old industry (advertising, video, production) is tearing itself apart and downscaling like crazy. I hated working on stuff I blocked in my own browser! Not good. <\/p>\n But things are fucked anyway cos of the pandemic....so I feel that they can go fly with trying to force me to work in a Christian-owned toy shop that hates queer people (I am not lying about that one, that almost happened, partly why I ran away to join the circus of being a 'business owner' to get away from a bad job coach and that scenario several years ago \u2014 forcing people to work in toxic workplaces on secondment with the threat of taking their benefits away never works well)<\/p>\n As Bowie says:<\/p>\n As long as there's sun Weirdly hopeful, even though I have no right to be.<\/p>\n The title has another side, where am I with the people I see in my friends list here \u2014 some sadly gone, some still around (cue Pet Shop Boys)? <\/p>\n The people over at FB or Twitter bar a few I regularly talk to? That's also don't know....even the people I saw over the last week in person. My podcast audience? I feel disengaged from a lot of that too.<\/p>\n That's the pandemic, everything is up for grabs (or re-evaluated).<\/p>\n The uncertainty of posting here is the worry of re-awakening a few bad memories, or indeed finding I am not the new person I think I am now, and refind myself back to who I was *shudder*. <\/p>\n Or to be dragged screaming there by a couple of people who Will Not Be Named.<\/p>\n I was looking at the friends list \u2014 I can't remember why some people aren't friends on here, and I remember all too well why a couple of them aren't.<\/p>\n Note:<\/strong> there are some people who piss me off and it fades, that's normal, I could have been me being a dick, or just people being in the wrong place at the wrong time. That one is not an end point, I have reconnected with people years later that I unfollowed or unfriended, and wondered what it was all about...<\/p>\n And others I remember, and if I remember after 10-15 years then you fucking bet it's not minor, nor was it likely my fault, cos if it is I will eventually feel shame forever, cos that's how I roll. I replay all my mistakes in my head frequently. The mistakes haunt me, but if the AVOID sign still burns like a biblical fiery symbol then I know it's most likely not my fuckup, or not entirely \u2014 it takes someone else keep that sort of beef alive, for that length of time \u2014 I just get bored or lose interest. I'm not sociopathic nor bitter, I usually just avoid people. <\/p>\n But there are two people who are here \u2014 well not entirely here here but on a compatible site yet comment here \u2014 who have waged nasty stuff across other platforms so frequently I have to pre-emptively block them on every single new platform for my own safety. It's that scary and weird.<\/p>\n So even being on the same site they comment on at all is kind of worrying \u2014 and yes, they kept it clean on here and sweet-talk people and keep their insane shit for private comments and other platforms....<\/p>\n And the weird thing is, I'm not sure what I've ever done to them? Disagreed once about a hot button subject they didn't want to talk about yet blogged here (power ploy 101)? Made a joking comment once about a photo? It's basically that. That doesn't explain the frankly sociopathic stalkeriness and harassment of the last 15+ years.<\/p>\n This was part of my moving away from LJ, cos the great thing about FB and Twitter is you can completely block people. Here you can only block their comments. So yes, I'm telling you this because I'm not sure I feel safe here, but the only way to be safe is open about what happened as a sort of insurance if the Tut Tut Twins come-a-calling. Their shit survives on silence of their victims, it seems.<\/p>\n (If you can comment on this, or are on my FL, that's most definitely not you).<\/p>\n That said, my door is open to everyone else, if you want to engage. Even though I have no idea where I am now either. Maybe we could work it out together?<\/p>\n Looking through my old friends list the lyrics of The Reflex remix of the Talk Talk song that's playing sum it up:<\/p>\n So yes although not been blogging here, I have been blogging about my art since 2019<\/a>. and yes Radio Clash<\/a> is still going like some zombie vampire that will just not die \u2014 the podcasts and the blogs, and the mashups.<\/p>\n The day 'job' is still officially artist though \u2014 hey let's start my own business 6 months before a global pandemic, that <\/em>will go well! *sigh* and still working on it, although sales are zero atm and it's all a bit shit. <\/p>\n Chuck D did shout out my artwork video I did for a friend's remix though on his radio show, a tiny glimmer of light in 2021. <\/p>\n And still doing mashups<\/a> \u2014 probably the best from last year, still, which sums up how I felt during the 'quiet hours' sitting in the dark (John insists the light goes off at 11pm-ish, as a night-owl this has caused friction) during the pandemic.<\/p>\n P.S. the title is from my favourite Sandy Denny song, ever: https:\/\/youtu.be\/rf6YZy5sflg<\/a><\/p>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:670534","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/670534.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=670534"}}],"title":"Not sure I should be here, but here I am","published":"2022-01-26T20:17:54Z","updated":"2022-01-26T20:17:54Z","content":" I've been monitoring LJ and popping back, a bit like an abandoned garden or house I kept an eye on the place \u2014 and suddenly there's lights on in the house and new plants in the garden.<\/p>\n Usually I'd give a fairly default 'welcome back!' post and then lapse back into watcher mode, wandering around the weeds and decay like I'm in the Omega Man. <\/p>\n Not this time...going to document how stuff like this appears to me given what's happened to me in the last decade, especially the last 2 years. And a sort of update along the way....<\/p>\n Thing is this makes me feel very bittersweet \u2014 to have nostalgia for something you have to feel like you belong and have warm fuzzy memories, and I'm not sure I do anymore. I'm not throwing shade at those specifically here, I mean anywhere. Podcasting, mashups, my art peers \u2014 those social contracts which were flimsy before were completely nuked by the pandemic. It stole a lot from me \u2014 including my best friend, and other groups I was involved with became weird and catty like high school. <\/p>\n\n And I'm still trying to deal with that rejection \u2014 was I ever part of it? Was I deluding myself? It feels now like that was a different person \u2014 a person who was eager to be liked and put up with a lot of bad stuff because of it; and then cycled into acting out because of course it doesn't work like that. In fact you find people hate those who want to be liked, it's a weird psychology. I didn't set boundaries and they were trampled on, then I was unhappy. Not doing that anymore.<\/p>\n My only real 'super-power' is to be able to remember negative \u2014 not positive \u2014 thoughts like they happened yesterday, and then like the failed empath I am, they arrive in Technicolor and I feel them all again. <\/p>\n This is why I find looking at old photographs hard, it's like mainlining my emotions at the time, a landmine of past shit. Bit of a problem for someone who wanted to make photography my job at one point. My brain is a file of embarassments, awkwardness, bullying, weird behaviour \u2014 some deserved (one of the things I have learned is to set some cast-iron boundaries because some people trod all over them in the past \u2014 see the whole K episode for that, which was sad but necessary for my own wellbeing) and some just my depressive tendencies playing up. <\/p>\n I spend far too much time trying to sift out the reality to try and not project them onto people and cause drama, but it's fucking exhausting. Especially when I learned some folx like pushing those buttons. That was not a nice realisation, I stupidly assumed people have noble intents (yeah, I know...the ideal nature of youth, I simply never thought people could be that evil). <\/p>\n So yeah, a lot of those things that should be warm and fuzzy now have a weird glow around them \u2014 the weird glow of 'Am I the same person? Did those people really care? What was the deal?'. This is all up in the air at the moment. I never dealt with rejection well at the best of times, but the pandemic shone a rather nasty light on who was there for me and who wasn't. And then played havoc with my mental health, rinse, repeat.<\/p>\n People deciding to externalise their feelings and expand them into other friend groups \u2014 maybe as a response to their own trauma? \u2014 seemed to be a thing. Class stuff as well \u2014 other 'friends' who lived in better circumstances didn't get my problem of living in a tiny flat on basically benefits, or called me a 'gatekeeper' or middle class. Yeah. Thanks for that...not. We're in this together was the mantra, but as we're learning from Boris's parties, that was a lie, and an evil one at that. There was a nasty 'I'm alright Jack' feeling during the pandemic as people went on holiday and posted photos, or showed off their nice gardens or their Lockdown Hobbies. <\/p>\n It fucking sucked. I drifted away from reading the news and a lot of social media like Instagram, and towards Discords and specific groups. It wasn't good for my mental health, as I knew people were showing only the 'good' side but it was toxic.<\/p>\n The thing with K. was the fall out of decades of him belittling any good thing that happened to me, calling any success 'bragging' and making me avoid talking about anything good that happened to me (while he was the King of his own world, his achievements especially as a friend *cough* were bragged about). It's all very manipulative, and I see the gaslighting and negging now, but I wanted to keep the peace and keep a friend of many decades. <\/p>\n He chose to then do one of his outbursts in front of a mutual friend online....and then I couldn't control that anymore. It had to stop because when I can't keep it 1-on-1 then it's just too hard to juggle.....the door is still open but he won't take the high road and apologise. Sad and I have grieved a lot about that in the last year, but the reality was, he stepped out of my life a long time ago, and just popped back in when it suited him. It wasn't healthy. <\/p>\n Reason I mention this is some of you have met him....it's not a random thing. But an example of how the pandemic seemed to accelerate the rot, and eat away from my friend group and well-being. It got easier to just accept people weren't there for me \u2014 seriously I got more support from friends in Australia and other cities rather than my own city. I am aware this thinking is not helpful in making new friends or keeping those I already have; but given the trauma I am not sure I can just let my guard down in the current climate.<\/p>\n Still trying to be an artist and failing; the podcast is still going but is in a funny space because not happy with it and trying to bolt live streaming via Twitch onto it again made me realise how solitary the podcast is for me now \u2014 as is all creation \u2014 an adding an audience not only makes me stressed but changes the whole thing. It's not the solution to the ennui I was feeling. Still living with John, and that's not exactly roses a lot of the time (some of the drama of the live stream was him acting up, it was very strange).<\/p>\n So yes, if it feels like I'm just there watching and maybe commenting but not engaging it's because I don't really want to go through another set of loss and rejection. <\/p>\n And a lot of historical baggage in this space which I'd rather not exhume. I miss blogging here, and I miss the community but it has to be a real one, and not me bargaining away all the problems for the sake of having a 'group'. That has ended badly in other spaces, I'd rather not go through that here too. <\/p>\n So yes, welcome back! I might engage, I might not, depends on how I feel and glad you are here, with the lights on and the music playing, it's better than dead \u2014 but I might be hiding in the kitchen wondering whether to go home.<\/p>\n<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:670361","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/670361.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=670361"}}],"title":"Success is survival","published":"2020-04-26T16:58:12Z","updated":"2020-04-26T17:07:45Z","content":" Cue Doctor Who quote, but that's appropriate as I feel like a series about to be cancelled (the first time). Lockdown in London is not going well — whereas some of you are probably feeling lonely, I can cope with isolation, I am really prepared for that. A champion self-isolator in fact, could self-isolate for the Olympics, I have worked at home for months before and been three years unemployed. So I can cope with this new world...sort of.<\/p> What I wasn't prepared for is the forced socialisation of being a mouse in a cage with another mouse. Tiny flat, small shared garden...it's not good. Also having my dreams and hopes smashed by COVID-19 — see the previous post about my art 'career' in happier times. My business is pretty much stopped, I can't do the exhibitions I planned, it feels like the Universe is laughing at my vain attempt to pull myself out of the pit of despair of longterm unemployed and into something brighter. It is fucked, basically. <\/p> Some people from my past are probably enjoying that fact and holding Schadenfreude Parties in celebration. I realised a sizeable chunk of the BML\/LJ bears were sadly NOT my friends over the last decade or so, more of a frienemy\/enemy situation, acquaintances who didn't really care — talking of the people who are not on my friendlist and some are even blocked on all platforms (you know who you are). It's my fault partly - so desperate to belong to a group of people, I let a lot of bad shit and salty behaviour slide. I don't put up with toxic people anymore, rather be alone than accept that co-dependent mess.<\/p> Hence why I don't post here much, bad memories. This is a common theme recently, there are some surprises at those during this crisis who have come forward, people who I'd not been close to but will in future. But some who are unsurprisingly bad at being a friend who were also on my mentally questionable list — usually the middle class people have devolved into 'Let Them Eat NHS Claps' privilege and moralising, to those who have ghosted me even in a pandemic where I am at risk...oh yes, I am fairly high-risk of this virus too as a asthmatic. Every cough — and us asthmatics get loads of those — is Good Cough\/Bad Cough panic games.<\/p> It's like this virus has held a lens up to all my friendships and relationship and I'm not sure I like most of what I see. *sigh* Karma will get them in the end, those bitter selfish people always do themselves an injury...why I try — and usually fail nowadays — to not be a bitter queen. Not a good place to be but anger is all I've got left.<\/p> So yes, still doing the art — only thing that's keeping me sane although I don't see the point atm. Going through the motions, because no future to that work, can't sell it, can't make a business, and the emotions I see on the page are starkly depressing and the darkness is neither appealing nor commercially sensible — but the latter doesn't matter anyway. My career has crashed and burned. Thanks COVID-19! Wish it was happier news...at least I survive, but sometimes I wonder if that is a cruel joke, like the whole galaxy could go supernova and I'd somehow still be here, a Sisyphus toy of the gods.<\/p>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:670069","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/670069.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=670069"}}],"title":"Still alive","published":"2019-08-26T03:54:30Z","updated":"2019-08-26T04:06:56Z","content":" And living in Surbiton...you can keep your The Good Life jokes to yourself (that was actually shot in Ealing, fact fans!) - some of you knew I moved, some of you won't *shrug*, I moved nearly 3 years ago now from NW London. Happier now. Sort of. Ish. Happier it's summer but winter looms and some of you know what THAT means. *shudder* I'm now working as an artist SUPRISE CAREER CHANGE and you can find my work here: https:\/\/www.tjbaker.co.uk<\/a> (ooh fancy new editor! Oddly cannot do images?). Been doing life drawing weekly for the last year, and watercolour landscape the same time (2nd one is one of my Night Painting series - more to come on that!) and the last few months oil painting, which I never really did much as an art student, it seemed a little too 'traditional'. Like the life drawing I wish I'd kept it up. The oil painting has improved immeasurably since that one - which incidentally not pushing the Gay Artist angle too much but is a series of cruising areas - that's Ham Lands. Many a nice time spent there *wink* Psychodelidisco (Disco Psycheness) - Full 3 Hour Journey<\/a> by <\/span>Fingertrouble<\/a> on <\/span> Mixcloud<\/a><\/p>![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/31306\/31306_800.jpg\")
\n \n
<\/p>\n<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:672692","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/672692.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=672692"}}],"title":"I think I'm goin' back to the things I learned so well in my youth ","published":"2022-02-11T04:11:56Z","updated":"2022-02-11T05:56:16Z","content":"
<\/p>\n![\"Traktor](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/30915\/30915_800.png\" "\\"Traktor")
\n \n
Did Trump not teach y'all anything?)<\/em><\/p>\n<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:672006","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/672006.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=672006"}}],"title":"Their Finest Art","published":"2022-02-05T03:14:14Z","updated":"2022-02-05T03:14:14Z","category":[{"@attributes":{"term":"charles bukowski"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"slowdive"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"bastard pop"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"jimmy eat world"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"bootleg"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"linda lindas"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"wolf alice"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"mashups"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"music"}}],"content":"Not Wanting Solitude
Not Understanding Solitude
They Will Attempt To Destroy
Anything
That Differs
From Their Own
Not Being Able
To Create Art
They Will Not
Understand Art
They Will Consider Their Failure
As Creators
Only As A Failure
Of The World
Not Being Able To Love Fully
They Will Believe Your Love
Incomplete
And Then They Will Hate
You
And Their Hatred Will Be Perfect
Like A Shining Diamond
Like A Knife
Like A Mountain
Like A Tiger
Like Hemlock
Their Finest
Art<\/blockquote>\n![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/30230\/30230_800.jpg\")
\n \n ![](\"https:\/\/l-stat.livejournal.net\/img\/userinfo_v8.png?v=17080&v=915\")
<\/a>fiftypoundnote<\/b><\/a><\/span> might like \u2014 Linda Linda's vs The Go Go's<\/a> \u2014 GOh Beat! \u2014 Oh! vs We Got The Beat.<\/p>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:671933","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/671933.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=671933"}}],"title":"We Lost Dancing","published":"2022-02-04T03:26:05Z","updated":"2022-02-04T04:11:42Z","content":"<\/a>fiftypoundnote<\/b><\/a><\/span> and anyone here who missed clubbing or bars or festivals or any social culture. I heard this song listening to a friend's podcast (the Lloydbrary,<\/a> very much recommended) that I had delayed listening to since the start of the year....very good podcast and I admit I got very tearful at this song.<\/p>\n
But that was an earlier version of that \u2014 the Alpha Geeks and Bear Mafia who spoke as one, like some Bear Borg and played power games and never saw nuance in others. A bear in a china shop. Don't be that bear.<\/p>\n
*what Cock and Ball Torture? Computer Based Training? Tee hee.<\/em><\/p>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:671556","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/671556.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=671556"}}],"title":"Is There Anybody Out There?","published":"2022-01-30T22:22:16Z","updated":"2022-01-30T22:43:02Z","content":"
Practically that is hard when you're talking something that is approaching two decades, and others use as research and take from, but don't give back? It feels like an uphill battle to stay inspired<\/a>. And sharing the love must be both ways, sure I don't hassle friends to listen to my streams or podcasts, people have their own lives \u2014 but I can't be totally alone with being hurt I find out someone I know is on Twitch long term but has never AFAIK ever listened to one of my streams? <\/p>\nI'm on Facebook*
I'm on fire
I try to do what I can
To stay inspired...
The first time it happened
Was with Scroobius Pip
The PA blew a fuse
As soon as my bass hit
I'm facing a big room
Full of impatient kids
Unaided by the amps or the mic or the rig
Lot of your favorite rappers
Would have cancelled the gig
Held it down both times
Acapella, like <\/em>\"fuck this shit!
If they can't give me a stage
I'm getting up on a chair!\"
That's all you
Really need to know about
My fucking career
<\/strong><\/em>
The care less half listener class
Write it and read it
As fact
Either you keep
Or you trash, Ether
I'm breathing on tracks<\/em>
B Dolan \u2014 Stay Inspired<\/blockquote>\n
As long as there's rain
As long as there's fire
As long as there's me
As long as there's you...<\/em><\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/29628\/29628_800.jpg\")
\n \n ![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/29848\/29848_original.jpg\")
\n \n
<\/p>\n<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:670987","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/670987.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=670987"}}],"title":"It's My Life","published":"2022-01-27T00:20:22Z","updated":"2022-01-27T00:20:22Z","content":"Funny how I blind myself, I never knew
If I was sometimes played upon, afraid to lose
I've asked myself, how much do you
Commit yourself?
It's my life, don't you forget
Caught in the crowd, it never ends<\/blockquote>\n
<\/p>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:670737","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/670737.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=670737"}}],"title":"Who needs a meaning anyway, I'd settle any day, for a very fine view.","published":"2022-01-26T20:59:03Z","updated":"2022-01-26T21:05:10Z","content":"![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/28080\/28080_original.jpg\")
\n \n ![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/29365\/29365_800.jpg\")
\n \n ![](\"https:\/\/ic.pics.livejournal.com\/fingertrouble\/8948349\/28832\/28832_800.jpg\")
\n \n
I sometimes stumble back here and was clicking on Friend's Activity and got...nothing oddly, after the redesign. What is that for? Only just realised what I SHOULD have done is clicked on the Main feed and then filtered for Journals. DOH! I thought everyone had just abandoned LJ and me!<\/p>
Oh and the last one a self-portrait, that was my first oil painting. SP #2 is unfinished and WAY BETTER but once upon a time I'd never have posted a self portrait cos of the toxic whiny *pathic people on social media who thought I was 'self obsessed' already. Yeah I have two words for them now involving sex and travel (that's if I hadn't just gone NC on their arses, I have no time for those people anymore!). That's what I've learned as I got older - that my field of fucks is barren. Don't just go 'Gray Rock', throw it at them then leave. *cough*
That's probably the biggest change, I don't enable those people by being eager for their friendship. I know who I like and respect. I know who I side-eye and avoid. Those two groups never get to meet, because I keep the latter group at a distance now. Very far away. I don't even wave at them, even. Why am I writing about that here? Well I stopped doing public posts on LJ because that's where apart from BML I met those<\/i> sort of frienemies. And I felt that I had to lock it down for a long time. Now I don't care; if they even sneeze in my direction, it's not drama spirals, or upset like before, it's just BYE FELICIA! I have stopped caring for the gay scene - I am queer, not gay, bears (not a bear anymore, sorry), and anyone's respect. In fact it feels totally like the time online 1996-2016 I was in some weird gaslighting cult, in some ways. A totally different person, not really me, like an ex-cult member. I had to deprogram myself by cutting it all off. I felt I was doing it for all the wrong reasons. Dropping out completely of a lot of things, stopping the things I loved (depression is a bitch!) and then realising I needed to create anyway. I feel better for that. Lost a lot of 'friends' but found some new ones and realised who my real friends were. Ironically Kirk (he's fine, although going through stuff I cannot talk on a public channel) used to ask me why I bothered with those people, and he was right. I'm not sure why? Wanting to be liked? Well THAT WORKED WELL, LOL.
Otherwise, quite boring really - doing artwork, not dying, getting IBS and what is called Non-Coeliac Gluten Senstivity which proper doctors are looking into now, still not dying, going to Gay Shame and Duckie on occasion but not that much recently (money: see art. PAINT IS EXPENSIVE), restarting the podcasts since Jan 2018: https:\/\/www.radioclash.com<\/a> etc. trying to start my own company, etc. Startups are scary! James one of my oldest friends - met same time as Kirk - has now moved to Australia. That is sad. John is still alive, again much to say there but not on this batchannel.![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.tjbaker.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/2019-Sip-and-Sketch-Sayed-P8021083.jpg\")
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.tjbaker.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/2019-Night-Drawings-and-Paintings-P7160735.jpg?zoom=2&fit=1600%2C1136&ssl=1\")
![](\"https:\/\/www.tjbaker.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/08\/2019-Ham-Lands-oil-P7220814.jpg\")
![](\"https:\/\/www.tjbaker.co.uk\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/2019-Oil-Self-Portraits-P6260527.jpg\")
<\/p>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:669321","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/669321.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=669321"}}],"title":"I Like Big Butts","published":"2017-05-18T23:33:29Z","updated":"2017-05-18T23:34:25Z","content":"In other news, I have a big butt, it's full and it's leaking...I mean water butt. I've been gardening...yes me? In a garden? With my reputation? Apart from The Great Snail & Slug War - which is ongoing, already onto the copper tape and buying pot stands - it's going pretty well. Issues with neighbours, they want to approve everything, but we're working it out I think...might actually get refunded for my purchases!
The 200L water butt filled in a few days...scary. And all that rain was going down the gully into the non-drain. No wonder our poor phone in the wall next to that kept tripping out.
My seedlings are growing, I have parsley, thyme, rosemary and...well not sage, Cedric is a full plant. But definitely basil and oregano on the way. Not big on flowers, although we have Larry the genderqueer Lavender and his friends. They've survived the Snail Onslaught well...the poor little parsley seedlings, less so. Luckily I thinned a load into little pots before the massacre. The tradition is to use the slugs and snails as a sort of tennis practice into the road....doesn't kill them, they still have a chance of living in a rather one-sided version of Snail Frogger. A very small chance. Not me guv.
Planning a water\/feature or pond, but it seems now to depend on 'approval' which could be a buzzkill...I think given the snails and pesties we have, and the fact we have birds running around the bush outside the window like a game of kisschase and 'bathing' on the dust, encouraging bird visitors and giving them something to bathe and drink in is important...part of the 'rewilding' of the garden, well as long as the wild are not snails...
Work is..well...not there at the moment but I have a few interviews. Gardens and DIY make good distractions to that. I had my 44th birthday last month and me and Kirk went to see Adam Buxton do Bug at the British Museum, then went clubbing at the The Glory, it was some sort of leathery bear night but Princess Julia brought the CHOONS! A lot of fun. I think we'll go back to The Glory.
Not much else to report..."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:668947","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/668947.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=668947"}}],"title":"LJ TOS stuff - over at DW","published":"2017-05-01T19:27:08Z","updated":"2017-05-01T19:28:19Z","content":"It's odd, I actually backed up my blog to Dreamwidth a few weeks ago (was looking up how to transition my blogs to ZeroNet as flat files (Jekyll, Hyde etc), or something non-WP like Ghost, sadly it looked impossible unless I make all my private posts public) and then got a flurry of friendship requests on DW...thought somehow my update had triggered some notification, whereas actually it was the dodgy LJ TOS I found when I logged into LJ...e.g. http:\/\/io9.gizmodo.com\/russian-owned-livejournal-bans-political-talk-adds-ris-1794143772<\/a>
So I think the dodgy nature of LJ re: having to comply with Russian Federation's terrible laws about LGBTQ rights, I will post via Dreamwidth. Certainly it's taken a long time to bite, the naysayers who left for the (arguably worse in some ways?) Facebook and G+ didn't happen until now...I've had a DW account - even probably an Insanejournal one somewhere out there if that's still going - for many years.
So going to switch to the backup for posting, and I recommend you do so too - eventually we'll all be over there, so I can then use that for reading too. Irritating, but good that I won't lose everything if they find the queer stuff I've posted.
So find me at http:\/\/fingertrouble.dreamwidth.org\/<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:668884","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/668884.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=668884"}}],"title":"A house is not a home","published":"2017-01-29T03:48:42Z","updated":"2017-01-29T04:33:33Z","content":"Depressed.
John moved back in to the flat full time start of December.
It seems the more I try and accommodate and compromise my partner in (t)his flat, the more whatever I do is 'wrong'. So, sitting in the dark, without heating not wanting to disturb him. Then apparently I'm now crunching too loud? Odd since all I had was two sweets and some peanuts but apparently that's too loud, and typing and flashing lights of the servers are too much, even though they are not that noisy, Norman (the disabled man that regular has paramedic drama and leaves his TV on til 2am at top volume and drops what seem like bowls onto the floor) upstairs is noisier...but hey I have to jump when he says jump. You can't say no to him.
Last time I did and got angry cos he shut off the lights while I was eating and I wanted to not be disturbed and immediately do what he wants (as in: drop the plate and switch off the dehumidifier RIGHT THEN), he got angry using that tone, so I said 'Fuck you', he said 'Do you want me to hate you?'. Ironic since he was the one telling me to find a new boyfriend and that he was 'stuck with me for 40 years' 2 weeks before moving in back in October. Yeah, he picked his time - when I couldn't back out. Is it me or is that bullying behaviour? I don't think he even thought to the fact that I might be starting to hate him because of what he's been doing and saying. I'm too reliant on him, I suppose his thinking is. I have to take this. I have no choice.
I'm not ungrateful - he has been giving me money which I spend on food and the house which is a lifeline - and can't seem to be since that would be dangerous - but to be basically his cleaner, DIY person, PA and cook and then have to tread lightly on eggshells...it's hard not to go down that path, or at least be frustrated with his tantrums and eccentricities.
I still love him, but the past few months he's made it VERY hard, asking me why am I doing that (sample: why are you washing your clothes? Err, cos employers don't employ people who wear stained clothes? Oh. Imagine this every time I do anything to the flat or myself...). - you can go run in the woods with the fairies! Eat nice things! Go for walks! Life isn't like that, not for me anyway. He has the money. I don't.
It's like being with an adult toddler.
So I shut down the servers, even though NAS drives hate that. He can't stand the dehumidifier being on (even when it should be on cos the place is steaming, basement flat, the extractor fan is broken - he hated that noise too), or any noise at all. Feel like I'm walking on eggshells in 'my' own home. It's not mine though, if it was he'd not be such a cunt about it. It's only temporarily mine when he's not here. Started to feel that sinking feeling when he gets back, like when your parents got back as a kid? That's not good.
Before it was 'the light is too bright in the bed' for his tablet or my phone, so I moved out away from the bed with a table and chair to not disturb him. There wasn't space anywhere else - now there is space, space I cleared singlehandedly because he's too busy 'working' (i.e. going on long walks and abnegating nearly all responsibility) - it's like getting blood out of a stone - only cos friends bought a fridge and helped me get his birth certificate did we apply for the relief for winter fuel he was eligible for (he couldn't be bothered to do it).
Only cos I argued with the phone company and got them in 3 times to fix, and got free broadband as a result am I able to write this. I've saved him money there and hopefully with the gas bill - he couldn't be bothered to read the meter and send them the correct figure so has been overpaying for years - ditto paying for a phone line that didn't work for 12 years. The flat was basically empty for 5 years, so my dehumidifier is keeping it dry otherwise all the electrics and phone go wonky...no thanks for that. No thanks for any of it, really.
He's grumpy cos of his cold he's had since December but oh no, won't go to a doctor, won't take anything except some cough mixture for it.
So now freezing in the unheated toilet until my battery runs out. *sigh*. Scared he's going to throw me out, but don't really know how to start this conversation because it's either anger from him that I can't go to sleep exactly when he does or do it how he does it, or always 'you should walk more' (helpful when I have to fix servers and apply for jobs) or 'it's all your fault' - true, but thanks for the support. Not.
He made a big thing about it being my flat also - it was his invite to come here btw. Doesn't feel like it, at all. I feel...trapped? Uncomfortable in my own home, which isn't a home. I don't have a job - many rejections - and feel utterly worthless. And this isn't helping. I feel scared of him, and I shouldn't be scared...but I have nowhere else.
He's a bully basically - I have a lot to be thankful for from him, but there's no compromise here, no middle space. No, 'Can I come into the kitchen\/bathroom\/do this?' when I'm cleaning or cooking, he just does it then stands there, munching food (small kitchenette so there isn't really space to do that). It's his way or the highway, it's either DIY - inc basically going over his head sometimes, although I consult him where I can sometimes an executive decision is needed - or it doesn't get done or it gets 'hoarded'.
Happy families huh? :-(
He's leaving to go back to his mobile home most of the time in March...I hope the relationship survives before then, nor he doesn't throw me out literally onto the street. I've been trying to make the place feel good for him, and not make him feel like I'm in the way, but it's not worked out like that - really the only way I could've done that is to be a corpse, really. And even then he'd probably grizzle about the flies!"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:668340","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/668340.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=668340"}}],"title":"Radio Clash T-Shirt","published":"2016-11-29T15:28:51Z","updated":"2016-11-29T15:29:18Z","category":[{"@attributes":{"term":"t-shirts"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"radio clash"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"t-shirt"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"tshirts"}}],"content":"![](\"https:\/\/www.radioclash.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/11\/radio_clash_mockup_promo_1.jpeg\")
I\u2019ve designed a new t-shirt! This is supporting my Radio Clash blog which has never been advertiser supported so needs the cash to keep going.
So if you\u2019re a fan or just like the shirt, go any buy several over at Crumplclobber<\/a>."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:667842","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/667842.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=667842"}}],"title":"Up Against The Wall Parts 1 and 2","published":"2016-09-14T17:01:33Z","updated":"2016-09-14T17:12:52Z","content":"![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.radioclash.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/08\/UpAgainstTheWall-1c.jpg\")
I know some of you like psych and folk music, and I've done these two mixes as an attempt to make a psych mix finally, but in a way it didn't completely go to plan. I felt the floatier 'summer of love' stuff didn't fit the way I felt or what's going on in the world, so I delved into the counterculture of 1968-1970's with bands & artists like The Fugs, David Peel, Deviants, Edgar Broughton, Aphrodite's Child, Kevin Ayers, Zappa etc. Also some newer stuff across the mixes I felt fitted, I can never completely stay on theme!
First part is very dark, occult in places and apocalyptic - projecting forward to a future of President Trump and P.M. May, and the Mexican wall (the title comes from a poem which then created an anarchist group called Up Against The Wall Motherfucker, so yeah, slightly NSFW - also my mixes go deep<\/b> so there's William Blake and Ginsberg in there too). If it's schizophrenic in feeling then it's supposed to be, this was created around the time of Brexit and Trump being big in the polls...general feeling of 'What The Fuck Is Going On?'. I do think these things have happened before, and it's worth looking back to 1968 and beyond to learn what they did and possible solutions (and mistakes).
Come Orpheus And Sing To Me<\/a> (153Mb, 1:55)
Coming from The Garden<\/strong>
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The Arrival<\/strong>
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And the second part, well the first section is about politics - I suspect those in the US might appreciate the first 4-5 tracks although might not know about The Clangers. The rest is darker and less about the state of the nation and more about the state of the person. My impending move to John's, and what's been going on with me and my hatred of 2016. A lot of nice folk and songwriting from Sandy Denny, Jimmy Webb, Bill Fay, Jackson C. Frank, Jackson Browne, Paul Simon et al.
This is more about after the Summer of Love, the autumn and winter. Winter Is Coming...the down side of dropping out and tuning out, there are quite a few barbs in there, criticisms of the Summer of Love (reading about 1966 atm in fact).
And the spoken word in the Fatima Yamaha (yes it's not all psych\/folk, but mostly is) is how I feel at the moment. You can't rely on anyone, it's true.
\"Tear down the walls...Won't you try?\"<\/a> (138Mb, 1:49)
Up Yours 2016:<\/strong>
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The Dark Empty Room<\/strong>
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Moving On<\/strong>
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P.S. Here's the original 1968\/Olympics inspired artwork, I might get into trouble for the Trump one, inspired by a shirt worn and I think printed by B. Dolan. I remade it. Just don't shoot him, mmmkay? I'll be in deep shit if one of the NRA-types goes off script...![\"upagainstthewall-2\"](\"https:\/\/www.radioclash.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/UpAgainstTheWall-2.jpg\")
"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:667265","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/667265.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=667265"}}],"title":"What can I say?","published":"2016-06-29T22:10:04Z","updated":"2016-06-29T22:42:30Z","content":"I go to Glastonbury, and come back to find that not only is the country completely fucked, an added bonus is all the neo-Nazis and right-wing fascists who thought shooting Jo Cox was kinda fun have come out of the woodwork.
I'm really really sorry...I thought we were better than this? I voted Remain by postal vote well before the racist Nazi-baiting poster from Farage, well before the 350 million bus that apparently was complete lies (admitted the day AFTER the referendum) and it looks like the Union is no more.
And then complete showers like Hillary Benn, a man nothing like his father, decide to stick the knife in, and suddenly it becomes Jeremy Corbyn's fault in the media, conveniently ignoring Farage, BoJo, Gove, and all those c*nts. But of course, at the time when a united front could stick it to fascists and right-wingers who are all claiming to quite like brown and black people and get REALLY upset if you suggest they are racists or fascists but are strangely quiet about the 57% uptick in racist attacks and hate crime since Thursday. \"If you have a racist friend, then our friendship has to end...\" - silence is NOT an option. Same frigging people moan about moderate Muslims doing nothing and staying silent, so how does it feel the other way? These idiots are doing it in your name, the name of the 52% who a lot of them Bregretted it in the morning and googled AFTER the vote what the effect would be. Really? I'm stuck on a damp island with 17 million fucking idiots. HELP!
And they'll never learn - they never supported the people who were telling them how it was, they're crying now for the Socialist\/AFA\/Hard left Cavalry to come over the hill but sorry, you destroyed the grass roots by voting for twunts like Thatcher and Cameron, what do you expect? Consistently destroying and mocking the people who resisted the fascists in the 1970's, well eventually they retire, get bored, grow old, go do something they can make a difference with. It's a thankless task, and if you marginalise the left and continue what Thatcher did with the Miner's Strike, well then you can't expect them to be there to help you, can you? I say let it burn, and remember Rome. Fiddle, fiddle!
Fed up with this idea because socialists haven't had their empathy and good-nature surgically removed, that when the right-wingers inevitably screw it up with neglect or as in this case complete and utter stupidity, we are supposed to parachute down and fix it, so basically the Left are always fixing the Right's fuck ups - and then we're told that it's unworkable, \"where's your utopia, your revolution\"? And then shortly after: \"I'd rather vote for my own wallet and screw other people\"...and the cycle of dumb continues.
You don't deserve democracy if you can't bother to even Google BEFORE the election what it might mean. You don't deserve to be saved from your own stupidity when again and again the Good Side of Not Being A Dick and not shitting on your fellow man gets ignored for scare tactics, Project Fear, and hatred. You get the fascist government you deserve - sadly it will take the 43-odd million people with you, some like me who voted for sense and unity, and didn't think we were still an Empire, that sovereignty means shit in an age of geocorporates, it's not the 1940's despite the austerity cupcakes and Keep Calm And Ignore The Fascists signs. Next one telling me that I should 'Calm Down' and I should 'Group Hug' racists for the sake of 'unity' and propping up an awful Government will get a Keep Calm And Carry On branded 2x4 around the head. Repeatedly.
But don't you DARE blame the Left and us who warned you, who wanted to stop the poorest and weakest from being trampled, as they are now. If you voted to Leave, or didn't vote at all, you cause this, and you alone. Don't point the finger at others, it's not some reality show, you don't get to phone a friend, you don't get 50\/50, you don't get another go. This is real life, people are being attacked, firebombed, insulted, killed, threatened, made to feel lesser for not being 'British' - and yes they've already made it clear that despite treaties to us queers after Orlando, that we are next. As I knew it would be - because I know, once they come after the Jews, the Muslims, the foreigners, they always come for us queers. You can wave your marriage certificates all you fucking want, it won't waft out the flames as you burn.
I'm predicting civil insurrection before the end of the year, or riots in modern media spin parlance, and a lot of angry people when they realise as Johnny Rotten said 'Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?'. Already had protests cancelled because there's 'too many people' (?) and the people just flash-mobbed Parliament. It's all going V For Vendetta, and it will get worse. Far, far worse. I've been predicting this day since the fools let Nick Griffin on Question Time, and then Farage took his mantle. Never, ever give the fascists a platform, they will just (ab)use it to destroy democracy.
Only good fascist is a dead fascist, and I sadly think it might come to that, given they think murdering MPs is OK. Ones who were working on Tell Mama, a report on Islamophobia which reveals hate crimes have upped by 200% in the last few years...add another 57% to the pile. *sigh*
I'll leave you with Kathy's Song, which although a love song, it seems rather appropriate:
I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls.
And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England where my heart lies.
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you.
And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I.
And another rainy bonus from the same album:
Through the corridors of sleep
Past the shadows dark and deep
My mind dances and leaps in confusion.
I don't know what is real,
I can't touch what I feel
And I hide behind the shield of my illusion.
It's no matter if you're born
To play the King or pawn
For the line is thinly drawn 'tween joy and sorrow,
So my fantasy
Becomes reality,
And I must be what I must be and face tomorrow.
So I'll continue to continue to pretend
My life will never end,
And Flowers Never Bend With The Rainfall.<\/a>etantvert<\/b><\/a><\/span>
Appeared in Doctor Who? That's not going to be many people!
Fired a Gun - X (quite a few actually; although all strictly rifles or shotguns)
Been Married
Fell in love - X
Been divorced
Swam in the sea - X
Gone on a blind date
Skipped lessons or lectures - X (Art school!)
Watched someone give birth
Been to North America - X
Been to Australia
Been to Asia
Been to South or Central America - X
Lived in more than one European country
Been to London - X
Been to Paris - X
Been to Venice - X
Been to Spain - X
Been to Russia
Seen the Northern Lights
Been on a cruise
Served on a jury
Been in a movie
Been to a Scandinavian country
Been to Iceland
Played in a band - ? (Kind of, but not properly, like on stage)
Sang karaoke - X
Made prank phone calls - X
Laughed so much you cried - X
Caught a snowflake on your tongue - X
Had children
Had a pet(s)- X
Been sledding on big hill - X
Been skiing - X
Been water skiing or parascending
Rode on a motorcycle - X
Been to a music festival -X
Spent at least one night on an island - X
Rode an elephant
Been on TV - X (someday I'll tell you about my 'starring role' LOL)
Been in newspaper - X
Stayed in a Hospital - X
Donated blood - (I can't. Against the homophobic law!)
Got a piercing
Got a tattoo
Driven an automatic vehicle - X
Driven over 100 mph
Lived on your own - X
Rode in the back of police car - X (but as a victim not a perp!)
Rode in the back of an ambulance - X
Got a speeding ticket
Got a parking ticket
Rode a horse - X
Swam with a Dolphin or whale
Been in a podcast - X (Just a bit. *cough*)
Appeared in Dr. Who ?
Have an Equity card or equivalent
Used an Oyster card - X
Have been in a play - X
Have played with a monkey - X
Have trained animals - (I don't think fish or hamsters can be trained)"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:666616","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/666616.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=666616"}}],"title":"Psychodelidisco mix","published":"2016-01-05T17:11:29Z","updated":"2016-01-05T17:12:20Z","content":"
Yes still here, still lurking...but also been busy with this mix. It's a psychedelic disco mix, not sure that genre even exists so I invented it, it's a mix of 'deep' disco, space disco, electronica, library music, afrobeat, electro pop and synth pop and even some Bollywood space disco and other gems! It took me 9 months, hence why it's probably 3 hours! There are more easily digestible 1 hour chunks over at my Mixcloud<\/a>.
You can find out more above or over at my blog: https:\/\/www.radioclash.com\/archives\/2016\/01\/04\/psychodelidisco-disco-psycheness-3-hour-psychedelic-space-disco-mix\/<\/a>
Also posted the first of the remixes I did for it, I did quite a few 'remasters' on these old disco records, but some I did the whole remix\/re-edit treatment. This one - a cover of Gloria by Midnight Stud - is the first posted up:
Usually a phrase like that would be qualified with a but...but not any more. Increasingly I pull away from the gay scene due to a variety of factors, but the bellends from this weekend take the biscuit. It's why I identify as queer; and tend to hang out with straight or non-scene people, or those who probably don't identify as gay (queer, Men Who Have Sex With Men, bisexuals, heteroflexible, take your pick). Sadly in my experience the bad lot are not statistically small, the judgy shallow queens are everywhere, lurking.
Take for instance last night - me, Kirk and Gary went to Duckie, usually a good safe space. Great night, was having a good time until a group of queens decided to bully me - touching me, saying I smelled, many times over the night. I knew I didn't, I showered a few hours before I came out, the t-shirt was new and washed, but what was their problem? I told the guy who was saying it this, and he was a fucking cunt. I got so angry that we had to move to another part of the club before I bottled the guy. I had a bottle in my hand and thought about it...wrong I know. But I was so angry. Took me back to school and being bullied. I know now I should have raised it with Amy Lame or the Duckie crew, but at the time you're too angry and just want to try and forget it. I didn't. Rather than go home and stew I went to the sauna...which comes to point 2.
These queens look down on those who frequent saunas, cruising areas, marrieds and the like - even though I've found the blokes in these places (who as I said quite often don't identify as gay) are fairly genuine and nice people. I had to detox from that experience by going to a sauna. But this experience is not unusual - where there are gay men there is bullshit.
I then come home and reading Facebook find that a queen friend of a friend decided to post Star Wars spoilers, just to be difficult. Was told to take it down by many people, but was doing that childish pouting thing that many gay men do, stomping his little foot. Really, entitled babies again...so I'm seeing Star Wars tonight and that's been spoiled by another bitter attention-seeking queen.
I don't want anything to do with the gay scene anymore, it's just filled with too many toxic people. I know, wahmbulance and Tim's on another rant etc etc but there is a wider issue here...that queens like this don't give a shit about the rest of the LBTQ, they usually have very dodgy politics (immigration, Muslims is another one - which is interesting because one of the people I had a great long chat with was a Muslim bear at the sauna, he was lovely and I don't think he knows how much that meant to me, someone relatable and talking me down from that ledge.) and now gay marriage has happened there is a feeling of 'I'm alright Jack' with them, and also this odd bully mindset. As we know, oppression does not lead to enlightenment, but it does seem as gay men get more accepted, get good jobs, don't have to live in fear anymore the more they take it out on other people?
So no I won't qualify this with 'some are OK' because I think those who are OK are such a small set that it's not worth counting, 0.1% maybe. The rest are more concerned with looking good within their group, cliques, being bitchy, obsessing about silly things outside of the real world, gyms and shallow body fascism and not really caring what's happening outside of Kardashians, Drag Race and trashy TV. Srsly if these people are first up against the wall, I won't cry for them. I'd be too busy getting the fuck out of there, and trying to protect the people I do care about. And I do hope, when it goes all to shit and it will, babylon is around the corner - they are the first to get eaten by zombies or whatever. Because they haven't learned to survive, just learned to be narcissistic and bitchy.
It's a shame I like men, really. I don't regret that for a moment, that's like regretting you have blue eyes - but certainly I could leave the bullshit that sometimes entails.
And yes I'd move there in a heartbeat.
And Ancient Greece - I noticed some people's entries travelled in time. I'd love those times and that culture...less happier with it if I was a woman (Ancient Greeks didn't treat women at all well), but I do feel the ancient world would fit me better than the current one? Graeco-Roman, or before, or Celt. Or Victorian times, but I fear that class would play a big part of whether I enjoyed that - in London, 1880's-90's."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:665852","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/665852.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=665852"}}],"title":"Answer for question 4570.","published":"2015-12-12T19:15:18Z","updated":"2015-12-12T19:15:18Z","content":"
I quite enjoy being asked or commented on the beard though, that's nice. Or the tshirts I wear."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:665445","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/665445.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=665445"}}],"title":"New mashup video - Novae Servae (Prodigy mix)","published":"2015-12-08T02:24:42Z","updated":"2015-12-08T02:27:33Z","content":"
I don't usually talk politics here, I usually save that for FB\/Twitter, but sometimes events overtake me and bleed into my work.
This video for a friend's mashup is a case in point, the theme of Kanye's New Slaves is already very critical about wage slavery and consumption, but I added a new element because while making it the vote for bombing Syria came in. Throw in what's happening in locked down Paris with COP21 (John invited himself to the last COP when we were in Durban, very different times and different security) and all that, and you have a strange mix of pop video and zeitgeist state of the nation....had a lot of fun with drone videos, projections and old cinema ads.
It also marks something of a step out of retirement for me - not completely, still not going to make my own mashups or videos for those. But for other people, if I like the tune, yes.
Kanye of the Stone Age by ToTom, who did this mashup is available to download: https:\/\/totom.bandcamp.com\/album\/kanye-of-the-stone-age<\/a> - it's recommended, especially the bonus tracks like this one."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:fingertrouble:665153","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/665153.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/fingertrouble.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=665153"}}],"title":"Final mashups - Star Wars Double Feature","published":"2015-11-30T21:21:29Z","updated":"2015-11-30T21:21:29Z","content":"![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.mutantpop.net\/artists\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/imperialnanny-1024x1024.jpg\")
Forgot to post these over here - my last two mashups which both have a Star Wars theme (although started 5 and 10 years ago, so actually before the latest film was even planned!)
This was started in 2005 as part of the ill-fated Boot In 60 Seconds project, but never really worked, was a bit of a car-crash. It was semi-released as part of that mix, and other places, but this is the final version.
It combines Spoonful of Sugar from the Disney movie Mary Poppins (topical!) with John Williams Imperial March theme, as Orbital and 2 Bad Mice as the droids you aren\u2019t looking for!
DJNoNo \u2013 Imperial Nanny (John Williams vs Julie Andrews)<\/a>![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.mutantpop.net\/artists\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/10\/starwarsgurls3-1024x1024.jpg\")
Spin that glitterball death star! In time for the new film (although completely by accident, long before Lucas was a twinkle in Disney\u2019s eye, these mashups were started 5-10 years ago) here are the first of two Star Wars mashups.
Star Wars Gurls is Meco\u2019s Star Wars goes space disco via California Gurls with Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg.
I\u2019ve always had a bad feeling about this, it\u2019s been a real disturbance in the Force over the years and probably still is a bucket of bolts, due to strange minor bits in the Meco track. In the end I had to use the Melodyne trial to force the acapella into key\u2026Use the Force Luke! Well we know mashups shouldn\u2019t be forced, but I\u2019ve always wanted to release this, so treat it as a bit of fun. Still will make the Kessel Run in 12 Parsecs!
Download Star Wars Gurls (Meco vs Katy Perry ft Snoop Dog)<\/a>
Appropriate to end on something complete silly\u2026Would love to say doing these has rekindled my love of mashups\u2026but no, although fun to see these finally see the light of day, it\u2019s also reminded me what a faff it is.
So that\u2019s me out \u2013 bye! Thanks all for listening over the years.
More info and alternate artwork over here: https:\/\/www.mutantpop.net\/artists\/<\/a>"}]}