John died

Hi long time...there are reasons....

John my partner died back in mid August...we were together 27 years. He was ill for a long time but brushed it off as ageing or a cold. Nope, was something more serious, but annoyingly treatable but he wouldn't go to the doctor. He was 77.

(WHAT is it about this fucking age group about this 'soldiering on/hate medicine' shit? Friends are facing this with their parents too. At least my Dad — who got diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks after John died, yes more fun times!, we had a leak at the flat as well a week after — is like 'gimme ALL THE MEDS' and is fighting it, unlike John).

My world is still totally destroyed and utterly pointless, 9 weeks later. 

Dating again is a very distant and probably never possibility, as I am thrust into being single for the first time in a generation, but if I do, I am so NOT dating older men anymore. Sex/friendship yes, relationships, hell no. Can't handle this again...it's around my age or younger from now on.

We talked about it 20 years ago and I said I was fine with it, John wanted to stop the relationship after his best friend and father died because he was worried about how I would handle the grief of losing him. He was right, I wasn't fine with it at all. I have never experienced grief properly. So my first time is the big one...yay me?

Trying to sort out the flat, he was an extreme hoarder of all kinds of paper shit, timetables, maps, magazines, napkins, you name it...and he hadn't done anything to this place in 30 years, so the place is a Grey Gardens falling apart damp hellhole. Going to be a long time to reverse that, it's even slower in grief. The problem is I hit bombshells in the form of his notes, and stuff he kept. 99% of it is total 'why did you keep this crap?' level, but the 1% is emotional landmines, about our relationship, stuff he kept from me, lovely moments, memories etc. Those make it hard to continually clear stuff.

I do what I can. His ashes are here.

I will always miss you, my beautiful man, this was played at his funeral.