We finished off the Troika adventure during the last game. I don’t feel I was at my best for this session, but we had a lot of fun.
Cast of Characters:
- Bashir the Epopt
- Cleveland the Claviger
- Muck the Befouler of Ponds
- Chipper the Dwarf
- Dick – Chipper’s mysterious, little, armored friend from the the B&T
- Maximilian Young III, a Member of Miss Kinsey’s Dining Club
As you recall, our intrepid adventurers were hired by Mr. Smedley of Swoon Industries to find the former gatekeepers of Castle Swoon and bring them back posthaste. It seems the sentient gate, Harmony, was sad that her former friends had been replaced and she was not opening for anyone! The party had found Titi and journeyed to the North Island looking for Thomas. They’d been directed to talk to the Spiteful Tree, who assuredly knew where Thomas’ lair was, but were ambushed by Moss Men in the forest. The party decided to camp and roast some marshmallows that Titi had thoughtfully brought along.
Morning broke and our heroes were surprised when their old compatriot Chipper stumbling into camp with Dick and Maximilian in tow. Apparently, they had been hired by Mr. Smudley, VP of Access, Marketing and Coffee Ground Disposal of Swish LLC to hire new gatekeepers for Citadel Swish. Smudley had some very specific people in mind – all former employees of Castle Swoon. “You must bring them straightaway to Citadel Swish when you find them. No stopping off for picnics or visiting old friends or the deal is off!”
The party got to know Maximilian. The commiserated with his short-term memory loss and then spent an inordinate amount of time discussing “Chipper’s Dick”. Titi finally wandered off on her own and then informed the party that she had found the Spiteful Tree.
Picture, if you will, the Spiteful Tree. A majestic pine that would rival any tree in the forest. Tall, unbent and thoroughly spiteful. But wait. What is that furry thing moving about in the upper boughs? Bishir sure couldn’t see it…
The Spiteful Tree was not happy to meet the adventures. He gave them a withering glare and did not seem inclined to answer any questions. “Sure, I knew where Thomas lairs, but what’s in it for me? Tell you what. If someone will climb up and get this damned koala out of my branches, I’ll let you know where Thomas is.” Bishir still couldn’t see it…
The stout adventurers decided that a koala trap would be just the thing. Cleveland set out to build a serviceable contraption from downed branches and twine woven from leftover moss men parts. During this time Bishir is still searching the branches for the elusive koala.
As Cleveland proudly displayed his handiwork, Bishir finally spies the furry little creature. Pthoop! He hits it right between the eyes with a tranquilizer dart from his blowgun and the koala falls from its lofty perch. Luckily, Maximilian catches it before it splatters on the forest floor. There is a quick discussion about what koala tastes like, but the party decides to present the creature to Titi who is overjoyed to finally have a pet. The Spiteful Tree reveals the location of Thomas’ lair and was overjoyed to be rid of the adventurers.
Now I’d originally envisioned this going a lot differently. I figured some poor sap would climb up the tree and face an angry koala in hand-to-hand combat. Instead, Bishir rolled boxcars and pegged it with a tranq dart. I periodically mimed the koala trying to remove the dart from its forehead head during the rest of the game.
Thomas’ abode was a dank and spooky cave. None of the party seemed eager to face a vampire head on. Bishir, who as you will remember had broken his lantern in the fight with the moss men, demanded Maximilian give him his lamp so he could lead the way. Maximilian denied owning a lamp, but after a bit he reluctantly pulled it out of his rucksack and turned it over to Bishir.
This was fun. I’d told Maximilian’s player to write down all his starting gear and he missed that he had a lamp and oil. We decided it was more entertaining to rule he lied about it and chalk it up to his short-term memory issues…
Bishir led the way through a winding passage and emerged into a large cavern. He immediately noticed a large, bat-like creature hanging from a stalactite. When the beam from the lantern fell upon the beast, it unfurled its wings, hissed and flew off deeper into the cave, as if seeking to escape. “Snot so fast!” Cried Muck, who promptly webbed it. Web-bound Thomas railed and cursed and called down the vengeance of Shub Niggurath on our merry band. Titi tried to calm him down, but Thomas was wanted to drain the blood of the living! “He always gets so hangry!” Titi opined. The party wrapped Thomas up in Muck’s cloak (to protect him from the sun) and hustled him back to Captain Ronaldo’s steam launch.
Off to the East Island our hearty band ventures. Captain Ronaldo drunkenly explains the sites our characters may see. “Oh, there’s the timeshare zombies and the fish shack and old Jesper who collects the tolls… Be good lads and pick me up a bottle of Fishy Rum at the fish shack will ya? Have her put it on me tab.” About this time, the party realizes that Ronaldo has not reduced speed and is coming into port at full throttle! Cleveland keeps his head and tosses out the anchor, so the vessel doesn’t shatter against the pier.
Disembarking, the characters see a large automaton in the middle of the pier. His name tag says “Jesper” and he demands a toll of 1000 silver pence to pass. Haggling doesn’t work. Sweet talking doesn’t work. Bishir trying to run really fast doesn’t work. Exasperated, Jesper offers to fight an honorable duel to allow the party access to the island. His hands retract and hefty ball-peen hammers emerge in their place. at this point, our stout heroes set to arguing about who is the best person to meet Jesper in combat. Exasperated, Jesper turns his gleaming electronic eyes on Bishir, who wisely retreats down the pier. Finally, Chipper readies his own hammer and steps into the fray. It’s about this time that Muck asks, “why can’t we all just attack him?” And so it goes. The battle is fierce! Muck manages to web the automaton but is laid out by a crushing blow for his cowardly suggestion and mucus. Chipper is also gravely wounded, catching the “peen-side” of a hammer to his temple. Cleveland finally conks the thing on the head and finishes it off. Unfortunately, Jesper had collected no tolls that day…
The party makes their way through the timeshare zombies and finally comes to Swoon’s Fish Shack. Nobody seems interested in the Phresh Cought Phish(TM), but they pick up a bottle of rum for the captain and directions to Blake. “He hangs around by the palm tree. Yes, the palm tree – only one on the island.”
Blake, of course, freaks out when he sees the characters. He’s especially scared of Bishir and his blowgun. Thomas is busy calling him a wuss from under Muck’s cloak and Titi tries her best to calm him down. Blake is nervous about getting into a boat to travel – there are boathooks and marlinspikes and all sorts of other sharp objects on boats. Cleveland tries to explain that even if the boat sinks, Blake will be okay since he’ll just float away while everyone else drowns. Blake hadn’t even thought of the boat sinking… Eventually, they talk him around and depart for the South Island.
Captain Ronaldo set a meandering course for the South Island. As his vessel careened around a rocky shoal, it was set upon by the dreaded Hassela Youth Rowing Crew! The bone-chilling sound of the coxwain calling “stroke, stroke, stroke” struck fear into our band who urged the good captain to put on more speed. “Do we have anything I could skip across the water at them?” Maximilian mused. “Here’s a half-empty can of Adze Bodyspray.” Chipper offered helpfully. “I picked up in the B&T elevator store for you know who.” Well, skipping a can of body spray across open water to deter the pirates went about as well as expected, so Maximilian decided to fashion a Molotov Cocktail instead. “Are there any bottles around?” The launch was practically awash with empty rum bottles by this point in the adventure, so obviously “Yes”. The flaming bottle was hurled at the oncoming vessel, striking it square amidships. The calls of “stroke, stroke, stroke” were replaced with “douse, douse, douse” and the pirates were soon left behind.
Our brave lads prevailed upon the captain to tell them of the South Island and Ronaldo was happy to oblige. “There’s only two things on this island: a graveyard and a big damn swamp! Oh, and there’s a funeral parlor, for the cemetary, fill out death certificates and so forth, so I guess that’s three things. And the dock, so four. And I forgot about the sandwich shop too… They can make any kind of sandwich. It’s on the opposite side of the island from where the dock is so you’ll need to go through the graveyard and swamp to get to it. Be good lads and pick me up two bottle of rum sandwiches. Hold the bread. Tell them to put it on me tab. And watch out for the mudmen in the swamp.”
“Surely you could drop us off by the sandwich shop?” Maximilian enquired.
“Nope, no dock on that side of the island.”
“Could we walk on the beach to get to it and avoid the graveyard and swamp?”
“My recollection is they extend across the island but knock yerself out.”
The party made their way into the creepy cemetery and soon stumbled across a band of teenagers hanging out. The teens had all heard of Pickles but were in no mood to tell any adults where he dwelled. Pressing on, the party made their way into a dismal swampland and soon found themselves surrounded by mudmen! The hulking creatures seemed in no mood to talk, but Muck called upon the mighty P!P!Ssshrp and banished them in the name of the Toad God. Suprisingly fleet of foot when threatened by amphibian vengeance, the mudmen fled into the swamp leaving our brave band to press onwards. And onwards they pressed, right into a patch of quicksand! Poor Chipper stepped into a sinkhole. “Ah, if I struggle and thrash around, surely I will free myself from this clinging morass!” He thought. In practice it was less successful. Fortunately, Dick was on hand to rescue him from the mire.
Eventually the party emerged from the swamp to find Swoons Sandwich Shop. They entered to find a bored teenager manning the counter. “Can I get a granite lava sandwich?” Maximilian asked. The teen patiently explained that while he could indeed make a lava sandwich, there was no such thing as ‘granite lava’. “I mean, granite is an igneous rock, and like you can have andesitic or basaltic magmas, but granite isn’t really a magma so the best I can do is give you a lava sandwich that is the same chemical composition as granite, but it really won’t be a ‘granite lava’ if you get my drift.” Maximilian settled for a caviar sandwich with siracha, Chipper had a palladium on rye with mayo, they got Thomas a blood sandwich – hold the bread, and Bishir had a turkey and cheese on wheat – no mayo. It was a little dry. The also ordered two bottle of rum sandwiches – hold the bread – for Ronaldo. The teenager suggested they chat with Lord Thad at Swoon’s Death Services to find out where Pickles lived.
Lord Thad was happy to see the party. “Who is the lucky corpse?” After chatting about coffins for a bit, Lord Thad gave directions to Pickle’s home. Our doughty band was soon backtracking their way through the swamp. The trail seemed oddly familiar. Finally, they arrived at the sinkhole that had nearly claimed Chipper’s life. This very sinkhole was the front door to Pickle’s home! “Hmmm, I guess the door mat in front of the hole makes a little more sense now.” Chipper mused.
Pickles put on his best fake smile when he saw the characters. He was a little taken aback when Titi tried to give him a hug. “I’m still not over that ‘early bird’ incident.” Suddenly, he screamed “terrordactyl” and ducked back into his hole. Indeed, it streaked out of the sky to grab Pickles for its dinner. “I can see its point.” Mused Titi. “Thomas does look delicious.” After a fierce engagement, the terrordactyl lay dead and Thomas was cajoled into heading back to Swoon Island for a picnic with Harmony and her friends. “You just need to keep me well moisturized.” He wheedled. Fortunately, Maximilian was up to the task.
Our band made their way to Castle Swoon. A checked tablecloth was spread on the lawn. A delicious picnic with all the fixings was laid out. Titi said, “The best part about picnics are the ants. They are just like tiny, moving sprinkles when they get on your cupcake.” Most importantly, Harmony was happy and allowed the poor employees of Castle Swoon to leave the building. Mr. Smedly gave Bishir, Cleveland, and Muck 5 silver pence and a coupon for a free side of tartar sauce at Swoon’s Fish Shack. A job well completed!
I kind of glossed over the last bit of the adventure. It was pushing 11 and it was time to wrap things up. In retrospect, I probably could have squeaked another night’s play out of this one if I had been a little more on top of things and played up the NPCs a bit more. Overall, this was a fun little adventure.