Archie – Marry Veronica for the money. Despite marriage, continue doing Betty behind the Riverdale High gymnasium until pregnant then drop affair and call up Cheryl Blossom. Batman – All in all, try not to be so damn dark. Also, double check size of Robin’s cod piece. Ensure mine is bigger. Blondie – After 70-years of marriage to […]
Author Archive | Ernie Scott
Instructions on How to Sneeze In Your Little Brother’s Face
Take a clean piece of 8” by 11” computer paper. Fold the paper in half. Keep your freshly folded piece of paper in your hand, and walk to the kitchen using your left, then right foot. Once in the kitchen, open the folded paper and place it in a dry space on the kitchen counter. […]
The Chronology of a Dog’s Day
6:38 am – Roll out of doggy bed and yawn. Get a whiff of own breath and question why it smells of feces before finally remembering the ten minute anal cleaning from the night before. 6:45 am – Jump on master’s bed and lick master’s nostrils until he agrees it’s time to go outside and […]
The Good Master
The old boy stood by my bedroom door He stretched out his back and yawned in my face He lifted his leg, I told him there’d be trouble But he called my bluff, and so I scrubbed the rug
The 10 Signs your adult son to addicted to Star Wars
#10 Took a trip to Jamaica to perfect his Jarjar dialogue for use in future Star Wars conventions. #9 Asks his girlfriend to wear a solid bronze bikini before chaining her to the bedposts and forcing her to call him Jabba. #8 Refuses to attend midnight mass on Christmas and cites the Force as his […]
Happy New Year
I’ll always remember the New Year’s Eve I spent in my apartment, watching the ball drop on my TV; a plate of home baked cookies, my only companions for the evening. The day began like any other. I woke up, had my coffee – two sugars one cream – and read the morning paper. It […]
Select correspondence between world leaders and Kris Kringle from the past few weeks
Dear Saint Nicholas, A colleague of mine, Benny the XVI, who incidentally enough has a good rapport with your predecessor, Jesus, recommended I give Christmas a chance and write you a letter. I don’t really believe in you, Christmas or much in this world anymore but I’m getting on in years and wondered if you […]
Precise instructions for surviving a nuclear attack, as stapled to the back of a classroom door in a rural Wyoming high school circa 1955
In the event that the Soviet Aggressors of Europe and Asia should launch an attack on the United States of America the likelihood that a stray intercontinental ballistic missile will touch down on our school or its surrounding farmlands may be slim, but is nonetheless a prospect we should all fear and one for which […]
A Revisionist Historian’s Look at 20th Century Book titles if Hitler Had Won the War
Catcher in the Sauerkraut Field “Gin a body, catch a body, comin thru the Sauerkraut.” Zee Old Man and Zee Munich Lake “The Nobel Prize winning tale of an old man and his quest to catch a gigantisch fische.” Fear and Loathing in the Los Vegas Ghetto “A savage journey into the heart of the […]
Mother had it coming
From the moment I poked my head from mother’s womb and said ‘Waahwaah’ to the world outside, mother knew I was a temperamental child. But she knew nothing of my anger until the day I spoke my first word. We were sitting at the dinner table. I was thirsty and cried for my “bopple”. She […]