Dear Mr Daniel Defoe,

Why is your acclaimed novel 'Robinson Crusoe' so painfully boring? After changing location three times (home, starbucks and home again) I've only gotten to page twelve and all I remember from those pages is that your protagonist is a whiny little mama's boy (who still lives with his parents) and he's on a ship which I know is going to crash but hasn't quite gotten round to it in the painfully tedious description therein.

I realise you're dead and complaining now is hardly going to do anyone any good but I HATE YOU with every fibre of my being and the next time I have to slap my cheeks and play Bleach soundtracks just to stay awake AT NOON I am going to summon you and pump your sorry ethereal corpse full of rock salt before binding you to a bedpan.

Love and kisses,


Pissed Off English Lit Student.