I'm posting in Kassie's journal to let you all know that she died on Wednesday, September 28th. I wanted to wait to make this post until I could contact all the friends I could think of to share this sad news privately. I apologize if you saw it someplace else first or were not contacted personally. I tried very hard to reach out individually to those who were closest to her.

Kassie was a person who held her cards close to her chest and even though she had been in liver failure for several months, she didn't want anyone to know she was dying. Sometimes I think she didn't even want to know it herself.

Her family and I have remained quiet on the issue for a long time, coming to terms with Kassie's desire to live out the remainder of her days on her own terms. I can let you know that she passed peacefully at home in bed with her dog, Tallulah, and her mother at her side without medical intervention, according to her desires.

There will also be no funeral or services, as Kassie didn't want to be mourned in that way. I think it made it easier for her to choose the path she did by believing we would all go on without her, no dramatic show of grief necessary.

Her family only ask that you keep them in your thoughts. If you're at all inclined toward donations of any kind, they request that you seek out a local animal shelter or your favorite animal charity. As many of you know, there was nothing more important to Kassie than her dogs.

Kassie was an amazing, beautiful, challenging, flawed person. She cared deeply for the world around her, her family, and her friends, and she was one of the most charismatic people I ever met. People were drawn to her, even when it wasn't easy to be around her, and she was an incredibly talented storyteller.

I just wish her own story had been different.

Please take care of yourselves,
Amber/affectingly

I guess it's spam time. My sleep schedule is all fucked up for a variety of reasons, so.

My mom and I go to the beach together. We always have since I was maybe born, who knows. It's our downtime to shoot the shit and catch up--we also have early morning talks before she goes to work because we're the only people up and we can say things we'd never mention to anyone else, even the other close people in our lives.

When we go to the beach now, I play Hamilton on my phone. She was completely not into it at first, but now she she says to me "where's Hamilton? Put it on!" and she sings along and dances laying down (my mother is very cute, btw, like I used to be jealous of how pretty she is). I never get into the water, btw due to marine life. I'm a native Floridian and do no mess with that shit.

The other day we were about to watch the Republican shitshow, and I put on "One Last Time" before it came on for everyone to listen to in order to remember we're better than that shit, and at the end of it she said "I think I hate myself because I recognize Lin's voice now."

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Yes, everyone I know calls him Lin because I do, and yes I am one of those inveterate Hamilton people that annoy the hell out of you. I mean, I bore the crap out of people with commentary on his writing and how the meta on him writing about a brilliant writer is fundamentally insane and so on. They're used to it. When I get invested in something I generally over think it and it's always one of of the three thought processes in my head at any given time.

And also I live in paradise and go to the beach all the time. Goodle image Pensacola Beach and you'll see why.

It's easier to post here on my phone than from my iPad, wtf is happening in this place?

So anyway for the ten people who read lj now: my aunt (my second mother) has pseudomonas which is systemic. That means in her blood, urine, and basically everywhere. Here's the catch: she got it in the hospital from a recent admission and is allergic to most antibiotics. Oh, also she has lupus and another inflamitory disease you've never heard of.

My year is starting off great!

This is the third admission in a month. Do the math.

Fuckadoodledoo

The last month has been insane.

This someone is from florida saying this.

Amber left yesterday morning at 6 and I was up at 3.

It actually hit freezing. (Don't hate me for finding this horrible, but, shit, here this does not happen a lot.)

Almost in like 10 car accidents due to crazyass florida drivers.

My aunt (second mom) has been for really sick for weeks and had to have surgery today. She was bouncing in and out of the hospital and we just gave up on that since there were three nurses in the house, so we did her IV therapy ourselves and did all the grunt work. At one point Amber said we needed to look into hospice and I told her we aren't ready yet. (This is the real shit going down.)

Every once in a while life spirals, this is one of mine. Things are not great by me. Amber leaving and having to nurse at home sucks on so many levels.

I hope your New Year is great. I really mean that.

It's Christmas and I'm wearing shorts and a polo shirt and flip flops. Oh yeah, and pearls. Why the fuck not?

This is not my holiday, but any excuse.

Merry Christmas.

ROCHAMBEAU

I never sleep anymore unless I pass out on the couch in the middle of football (this is a weird lifelong thing, American football is like a lullaby to me), so I was googling this insane thing that happened here this week--basically this archeological dig found proof that Pensacola really was the first settlement by the Spanish in North America.

However, I hit the wiki page about here, and I think it was written by a chamber of commerce intern.

I went between enraged and laughing.

Honestly, it is talking points all over the place written by someone too young or clueless to know how ridiculous they sound in places. In other words: bless their heart.

Oh well, please never move here #antichamberofcommercelocal

So.

I have a fraught relationship with a big part of my family, as one does. There are a bunch of people I haven't spoken to in 20 years. That's not hyperbole. I just gave up or maybe stood up, and said no. This includes my dad.

There is a point here.

Today I got this weird text. From my sister.

The other day someone started honking their horn in a parking lot. I assumed it was the usual crazy Florida driver. I ignored this person.

Apparently, it was my sister.

She texted me to tell me this.

1. Haven't seen her in 15 years, so how did she recognize me. I am not on Instagram or Facebook.

2. How does she have my phone number?

3. I told her we could meet up since she apparently lives right by me and she said thanks but no thanks. THE FUCK, WHY TEXT ME.

#florida

I am not kidding, everyone is a loon here.

I got a bit upset, but you have to respect boundaries. No one ever respected mine, so I get it, but wtf.

OK, home reno, holidays, Florida.

My mom just called me a "pottymouth".

Are you kidding me, you're lucky I'm not in jail! This was a random crisis about a cat getting out. I shit you not. This is after FIVE fights with family members about masked shit that was not what the fight was about at all, but family bullshit that's been going on for decades.

My family are masters of the fight NOT ABOUT THE FIGHT. Everyone is too smart for their own good, and terrific at hitting buttons. I had a screaming match with a cousin about Rand Paul the other day when neither one of us would ever vote for him! The argument was actually about some shit from like 1990.

Fight about car detailing another day.

On and on.

If this some cosmic joke, you idiots? Just because we used up the ice doesn't mean you need to lose your mind and start yelling. Just go buy a bag of ice! Jesus fucking christ. Yes, we are trying to murder you with a lack of ice. Next the grass will be too high in the backyard and you will die.

Almost killed in the CVS parking lot.
Lost my Rx sunglasses while in high dungeon over a fight about going to the kosher butcher !!!!
My car needs breaks.
Fought with someone in Home Depot while attempting to buy paint about Christmas lights (wtf????).
Ate crackers for dinner.
My mother puked in my front yard. (stress related)
My idiot border collie rolled all over a dead racoon and smells like death--this is the dog it took three people at the vet to wash. My aunt sprayed her with Febreeze. So now she smells like death and chemicals.
Have slept about 5 hours in three days.

Merry fucking Christmas.

Ok.

Dumbass Amber made me listen to Hamilton.

Listen, I hate musicals. This isn't really even that. It's like a theme album. Jesus, the writing is fucking amazing. The singing and production are insane. Jesus. The concept is game changing. It made me cry several times. The thing is the writing is so CLEVER. Wow.

This is probably the new Les Mis.

Just listen to it.

I would upload, but I'm not gonna pirate this one.

Do yourself a favorite and listen to this.