I'm starting to think that if a story idea makes me throw up, chances are I need to write it.  Even if no one ever sees.

 

I have a demon that needs exorcizing.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

I am this close *holds fingers centimeters apart* to just throwing this fic in the bin and saying I'm Done. I've let it fester for nearly a week, it's time to either get it moving or toss it. I was sooo close, too. I was so ready to just bust through weekend #4 when the doubts started. It's been so long since I wrote this much - fandom or otherwise. It's teetering on 40K right now and only about half-way done. The last thing I wrote that was even remotely this big? Tilting at Windmills WHICH NEVER GOT FINISHED and is still sitting on Daisy at 68,000 words.

Perhaps I am just panicking. I don't usually do long fics. 20K is usually when I stop but this one just keeps pushing and pushing and you know I am an angst queen -- those of you who've been here since the HP days anyway. So I am so very conscious of going TOO far. Too over the top and as a reader you just go, "Oh. That's just...that makes no sense" because this cannot turn into a bad!fic. This cannot turn into some reject from ff.net and I am so afraid that that is what is happening.

Fear! The great writing cock-blocker.

And I can't help thinking to myself, "I need Kali". I wonder when I will stop doing that.

So I feel slightly psychotic as I try to fix this thing that may or may not need fixing. I can only say that I have some wonderful people trying to help me through it, but I know that ultimately it is my choice what happens. And I know sort of what I want to happen...I just can't seem to make it happen and that is perhaps the most frustrating part of all.

I've been feeling off the last few days. Restless. Summer does this to me, sometimes. I will have this mad urge to just go. It is more intense when there is actually something I am running away from, which is not something I like to admit to. Especially because, right now, it is something so stupid and could be fixed with a phone call. Nevertheless, I have tomorrow off work and I am so tempted to runaway to NYC for the day, even though my sister will not be around and I don't know anybody else up there nor do I know the city well enough to just...wander. We'll ignore the fact that I live 13 miles from Philadelphia and could just wander the streets there. Truth be told, I don't particularly like Philadelphia. Funny that.

Whenever I hear "La Familia" by Mirah, I am reminded of an SGA AU where they were all in a band together and Teyla sang this song. And John convinced Rodney to join the band instead of going to college by promising that if they hadn't made it in x-amount of years, Rodney could quit (at least I think that's how it went). It remains one of those stories that I remember more for the marvelous playlist that accompanied it. It also is still one of those stories I can't read more than once because it makes me cry for all the wrong reasons or maybe for the right ones. I don't know. "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow is also ruined for me because of that story. It will always be John's song to Rodney. Oh my heart.

I should go clean my apartment. It is a mess and maybe I will feel better if it is clean. I know the cats would appreciate it. And if I clean out my fridge, maybe I will then feel okay with going to the Farmer's Market ridiculously early tomorrow morning and filling it up with lovely food. And I don't have to go back to work until 4.

Do you ever feel like you don't know what you're doing? I've been feeling like that a lot lately.

Still sick. It's probably just the usual lung infection, now. Still annoying.

Instead of staying in and watching movies, Mom and I went to a bookstore in West Chester that upon setting out, we weren't sure even still existed since it was independently owned 10 years ago. We found it (on the basis that it was in some shopping center with a K-mart... 10 years ago) and it has since expanded. It's glorious, though I can't tell you the name because I can't remember. But books, books, books, and also a pretty decent CD section complete with USED CDs. Even the new stuff was pretty cheap (11-13.99). So I got Adele, and Sara Bareilles and Squeeze. I have such a strange love for Squeeze. We managed to skill 2 and a half hours and between the two of us, spent less than $100 which is a major feat. I also picked up a copy of The Bonesetter's Daughter by Amy Tan. The first 30 pages were pretty awesome so I figured I'd better snatch it up.

So, new localish book and music store! It was sort of disconcerting, though, 'cause at least one employee is a customer at my shop and there were loads of people there who I'm pretty sure are also customers at the shop and I did not bring my Shop Persona with me today. When I am sick and when Mom is around to pick up the slack? I can just relax and not worry about appearances. It's great. I don't have to be the Uber Adult.

Mom is now on the couch taking a nap and I'm thinking of doing the same since she isn't leaving until tomorrow.

We stopped at Wendy's for lunch. Fast Food, apparently, tastes like nothing to me, now. This is probably a good thing.

Downsize to the CD portion of the store: They didn't have Mirah! I've been trying to convince myself to buy at least two of her albums for ages and today I was totally prepared and they didn't have them. Sigh.

Oh. My. God.

It's done. Or at least, done enough. *falls over* I included both a work cited list and a bibliography just to be on the safe side which beefed it up to 10 pages. Now I just have to download it onto Daisy, format it, and print it. OH MY GOD DONE.

I'm going to go sleep for 45 minutes.

*is ded*

Firefox Prompt: Close 21 tabs?

HELLZ YES.

I have decided that even if it's only 7 pages, I don't care. I'm just going to try to bash this paper out and if it sucks...oh well.

Now, if I could just bring myself to re-read the 5 pages I've already written that might help. Argh.

Spam spam spam. There will probably be loads of this as the night wears on.

Oh and the links for my CIS final are back up and I have until Wednesday. Will probably take it tomorrow night depending on what happens with this paper.

Oh god, the citations. I HATE CITATIONS!

edit @ 9:42 I have scraped the original 5 pages of the paper *headdesk*. I'm working from the middle out this time. I'm on page 2. It's solid so far but I think I might be over citing. ARGH! Damn citations! Stupid stupid stupid citations! I want this shit to be over with already.

edit @ 10:47 And I somehow have 4 not-too-crappy pages. The flow is a little dodgy but I think it's okay, over all. I've covered the writing, the publication, the reviews, and the banning of the book. Now I get to go into, "It's on the banned books list but was it actually banned?" This is nearing the conclusiony bit. Stretching this to 10 pages? Um.... I'm not sure it'll be possible. Fuuuuuuuck all.

Oh Tolstoy, what hate I have for you.

I always forget that while the paper sounds like a cinch in my head, the set up is a BITCH to write. So far, though, it feels pretty tight. I know my prof wants lots of citations but there's only so much citing you can do without it looking like a sea of quotation marks.

Also, one of my neighbors has a Mac and keeps restarting their computer on Full Volume so I can hear it every time. How annoying.

So I have to write this paper for English. This paper about Gerasim - a rather minor character in The Death of Ivan Ilych by Tolstoy. I'm not taking this paper very seriously so I'm probably going to wax on about how this dude is Christ-like just to see if I can get a rise out of my teacher because that's the kind of student I am. *sparkle sparkle* She also hasn't (as far as I know) assigned a word count minimum or maximum so I figure a page or two should suffice. Easy peasy.

I also need to read a chapter for history and then do about 8 hours of work for my computer course so that I can run away this weekend for my birthday. The plan is to catch the 4 o'clock bus out of Philadelphia on Saturday and spend my actual birthday with the sister. A babysitter has even been acquired for Sunday night (actual birthday) so that we three adults can go out and have an adult birthday dinner \o/ I am sooo excited. To make up the hours at work I am working from 12:30 - 8 on Friday /o\ But who cares! I get to see my nephews for my birthday!

Paper paper paper time. Though I might do all my other homework first because you know how I am. I won't do any real work on the paper until about 3 a.m. La la la.

Need to plug in Francis...