Not doing well. Woke up with a cough that tastes like infection on the horizon. I plan on spending the rest of the day (if not weekend) in bed. Fuck laundry. The babies and I need to have a cuddle. Cuddles are more important.

Plans to go to NYC this weekend completely derailed. Spent most of yesterday editing the beginning of the Kurt/Blaine fic. It took 5 hours to write less than 2000 words. It was...humbling to say the least. I miss the days of HP, sometimes, where I wrote Over the Fence in 8 hours while talking with the ladies in the Snape_Potter yahoo group chat. Oh well. I'm pleased with the re-write even if part of it will probably have to be re-written again and what I have so far completely changes the tone of, oh, the other 10,000 words *facepalm*

Also: I miss my sister and she is miserable in England because her in-laws are crap. I want to smack them and I want to smack the brother-in-law, too, because he is not properly taking care of my sister and I have a problem with that. However, losing my shit at him is probably not productive. Plus, I am vaguely aware that what my sister posts on FB is not necessarily an accurate account of what happened so I can't lose my shit until I know all the facts.

I also seem to be really hormonal because little things are making me all teary. Though rm's new installment is not a good barometer for my current emotional state because that series just makes my heart clench in my chest every time and each new piece is never long enough.

My quest to read my sister's book by the time she gets back is slow going. I have skipped to the point where everyone says the story really starts to pick up (around page 60) and I am biting my tongue because she is my sister and I love her and I don't think she really wants my honest opinion so I am going to try really hard to just concentrate on the good parts and not the moments that make me want to pull my hair out and scream, "You have a degree in English!" at the screen. Though I think I do need to make her file for divorce from her love of ellipses. I don't even tolerate that shit in fanfic.

Anyway. At the coffee shop where someone is occasionally playing the piano and doing it...oddly. First it was a lyrical version of the Jeopardy waiting music and then it was the Cheers! theme. I am flummoxed, really. The town has pretty much shut down for the holiday and there is another article in the local paper regarding my house that still doesn't tell me what I need to know. The apartment hunt continues as well as the quest to figure out what I want to do about September. The therapist says that taking a year off school might not be a bad idea. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

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My internet has been down since late Sunday. It just came back AND I HAVE TO CLEAN MY APARTMENT because apartment inspections are tomorrow.

And I have worked 11-hour days at the dry cleaner both yesterday and today. I have NO ENERGY nor desire to fucking CLEAN. I want to lie here and read porn and there is the fear that if I don't do it NOW that the internet will be gone again by the time I am done cleaning and then I will CRY.

I know I am working too much because both cats are snuggled up in a way to suggest that they miss me. Binky doesn't even mind that I am essentially using her head as an arm rest.

I want to read porn and cuddle my kitties! *wail*

There is at least 5 hours of cleaning to do (probably) and I have to open again tomorrow when usually Wednesdays are my day off. I have worked 21 hours in the last 2 days. What the shit. At least I am getting paid? And my boss is super generous with the praise. Lots of happy sighs and "You rock"s. But OMG SO TIRED.

I will just have to turn up Glee's Madonna album to ear splitting levels and just do this shit.

But omg I don't wanna. *is 2*

Thank God, though, I see my therapist tomorrow. I got some shit to get off my chest and maybe with her in the room I will be able to check my school e-mail. *hides face*

Hmm. This has been a week. One of those weeks where I go, "And I'm doing this why?"

I missed two more days of class this week and I've been too chickenshit to check my school e-mail. There are only about 5 more days of class left, thank god. And there are two letters from my school in my mailbox at home that I haven't opened yet. Both rather thin, though, so I'm only slightly worried over those.

At the same time, I can't help wondering why I'm so damn worried. It's just school. It's not something that will be lost to me because I have one really crappy year. It probably stems more from not wanting to disappoint my profs since I like them both and while I have mostly kept them updated on the shit that's been going on, there's only so many times I can e-mail and say, "I'm not coming in" without it looking like I'm faking it or something.

So why do I care so much? Why am I wasting so much energy worrying about what they'll think? I haven't been making any of this up. The depression has been bad, I miss my mother as much as I don't, my job situation only just started to get sorted (though money is still a little iffy), and the will-they-won't-they regarding the selling of my apartment building is a lot to stomach in 2 months. So yeah. I slipped a lot and missed a lot of class. Do I think I will pass with more than a C? No. Do I think I will fail my classes? There's a real possibility. But I can retake them in the fall if I decide I want to. It is NOT the end of the world.

So why do I keep treating it like it is? Even after writing all this the idea of checking my school e-mail is pretty freaking terrifying. What's the worst I will find? A note from my Psych prof saying, "You haven't answered such and such a question for class" or even, "We're done with you." It will suck, sure, but I will get through it.

I keep thinking, "If a 4-year college I want to go to asks why my grades fell this year, I will have perfectly valid reasons for it." And I also keep thinking, "For a school that touts it's flexibility and understanding about the situation of working adults...they really don't."

Maybe when I get home I will check my e-mail. I'm babysitting again tonight. Whee job #3. Did I mention I think I might have to find a 4th job once school ends? Yeah. As much as I like the dry cleaners, I'm not sure she can pay me enough. I need about $100 more a week than what I'm making and the other gift shop only affords about $50/week. Though I'm hoping that as I work there more, she will decide she would like me to be there more. I really like it there. After a dull week at the dry cleaners, the gift shop is a nice refreshing pace. I like being a part-time shopgirl for a woman who actually likes me.

Lots on my mind right now. Oh and did I mention my grandmother called the other day? Yeah. That was a real kick in the pants, too. Sigh. And no therapy for another week and a half. Argh. My next therapy session is actually after my last class day. The following week is finals. Whee. Almost there. I just have to write a rockin' paper that needs to be at least 7 pages long. Ugh.

If my self-esteem were higher, would I fear this rejection so much? And why should I fear it, really? The worst that will happen is that it will make me cry for a little while and maybe feel embarrassed. That's not too bad. I will probably never see these people in this class ever again. And fuck'em because they don't know my life and what I have gone through the last decade. How far I've come, as my grandmother likes to say.

My sister would be disappointed but I think she'd be more disappointed in me dropping than me failing. I think I'd rather fail and just take the courses over again. Though it's pretty obvious that just because I've missed a lot of class, I'm still keeping up just fine. I have no problem with the material. Sigh. So my profs might give me Disappointed!Face for the next week and a half and I might just slide by with a C (because once you reach a certain number of absences, your grade starts going down which I think is BULLSHIT but whatever. I've totally gone over the allowed 6 absences a semester) and at 11 o'clock on May 4th I will be DONE and I think I might leave school, hop a train, and go to NYC for a few days to cool down. Fuck it all.

I don't want to give a fuck.

Not making it into science today and it's a lab day. But I couldn't sleep and I am in no condition to go navigating icy sidewalks. This week is just FAIL.

I will fix it later.

And one bad week does not mean that my whole semester is doomed.

And I was responsible and e-mailed the professor so it wasn't totally just Not There.

And this is actually our first Official Lab therefore, it is a really stupid lab (I looked it up) and I don't think I will actually Miss Much.

At least that is what I am telling myself so that the shaking stops and I can hopefully get some rest.

Sooo tired. *headthunk*

I am attempting to write a completely self-indulgent story. So far, not going well. Hoom.

My Human Sexuality class has taught me many things I hadn't expected. Some interesting, others not so much.

Trying to live on $20 worth a food a week is really difficult. I'm eating a lot of oatmeal and mac & cheese.

I've been finding a lot of comfort in NPR. NPR was always on when I was a kid. I pretty much grew up with Terry Gross. So this last week as I've felt like my world is falling apart, I've been playing old episodes of Wait Wait Don't Tell Me and Car Talk because those are familiar voices for me.

I did pick up the phone today when my Mom called and I wish I hadn't. I didn't say anything. I just said that there was stuff I needed to discuss with my therapist. My sister has been really great this week. On Monday, she called and said, "I'm going to just sit here on the phone and if you want to talk, go ahead but if you don't, that's okay too. I'm just going to sit here and keep you company." It was perfect and we ended up talking for over 2 hours. I do not deserve my sister.

I'm hoping I will feel better once my food is done. I'm making tuna noodle casserole. Comfort food. Wheee.

I think my anger has tapered off into just sad.

*That is one of my favorite quotes from West Wing and I quote in my head every time I am tired and cranky.

I hate retail.

I hate old men who are set in their ways and screw my shit up

I hate mid terms.

X(

THERE IS NOT A BIG ENOUGH ANGRY FACE TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT HISSY FIT. I AM GOING FOR A WALK.

Edit @ 7:32 pm I just realized I have about 5 different tags for when I am angry. Wow. This is rather startling.

Also, after walking for about 40 minutes (a mile and a half -- not my best time) I am now just tired, hungry, and still irritated. I should've stayed home from work today *faceplant*