Have completely run out of spoons. COMPLETELY.

And I think Binky's jaw might be swollen again. FUCK.

Finally got paid the rest of last weeks wages. Still owe landlord $160.

How am I going to pay for possible surgery for Binky's tooth?

I already felt like I was going to start to cry before I got home and then I saw her jaw and now I don't even know what to do/how to feel. Like I missed the crying window.

Kind of feel like I'm going to throw up.

WTF.

In NYC right now visiting my sister for the first time in nearly 2 months. It's been a good visit and I don't leave until tomorrow morning since I don't need to work until 3.

Leaving is always the hardest part. Add on the complete freak out my dash is experiencing on tumblr right now and I am an emotional mess, really.

Everything is changing.

My sister is buying a house and moving out of the apartment they've lived in since Thing 1 was about 3 months old.

I will have a roommate in less than a week. I will have to share my space.

I am headed back to school (again) in less than a month.

So I feel a little fucked up right now.

For the last few months I've been coming to terms with the idea that I might not move to NYC after all like my sister and I sort of always planned. But I started thinking about it and if I do this right, I could graduate with my AA by next Fall (fingers crossed and the depression doesn't throw me for a wallop AGAIN) and then what? Do I just apply at local schools? Or do I say, "Fuck it" and apply to Hunter and Bard and NYU and...see what happens?

I mean, okay, NYC is expensive as fuck even if I did manage to live with my sister (the cats, though, oh the cats would be miserable) and what if I can't find a job and God, I don't even really know what I want to major in, really, for my bachelors (except for writing) and I don't really know how any of this works once you have an AA and...yeah.

It's a lot to think about right now. Especially in the advent of how epically I hate my job right now. I just have to get through this fall and get the Fs taken off my transcript. That's the important thing. Three easy classes in the spring and two over the summer and two next fall and I'd be done. Or something like that.

School always sends me into a tizzy, though. I hate that.

And then there's Glee. I've been indifferent for weeks, but now all the season 4 filming photos are popping up and they're Kurt and Blaine and I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest. But I keep refreshing my dash and more pictures keep showing up and...and I'm realizing why I left tumblr around this time last year. Just...stepped away because oh man this sucks. Like I'm not emotional enough on my own without drowning my feelings in fictional people?

Oh God and of course fucking LEAKYCON and AVPSY and ssoo many feelings involved there, too. It's too much.

So yeah. I am ridiculous. And over reacting. And not wanting to leave, but wanting to be home in my own space and cuddling my own cats.

My bus is at 11 tomorrow morning. I should be up by 8 so I have time to shower and have breakfast before I leave around 9:30.

Have been at work for 2 hours just reading fic.  Yeeeeah.  I am the worst employee today, but yesterday was shit and I'm having a hard time feeling bad.

 

I want to be writiiiiiiiiiing.

 

People need to stop bringing me their laundry.  I want the next 6 hours to be blissfully quiet.

 

...I should start working.  Siiiigh.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Omg you guys I got, like, 3 hours of sleep.  At work now to do a 7 hour shift and I won't get home until 2 a.m. after the show and that's if I don't miss the last bus out of NYC.

 

Darren Darren Darren Darren...

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

I am so conflicted right now.

But I have never hated Finn so much.

I need to think about this.

Edit: Nevermind. I need to rage a little. I'm having a really hard time thinking about Finn in any capacity other than the douche bag he has demonstrated himself to be this season.

I could deal with the homophobia toward Blaine in some respects. I didn't like it, but he wasn't actively hurting Blaine. But he has willfully hurt Santana. And yes, I know she's a raging bitch and I'm not a fan of her tactics at all, but...you don't out someone. Especially to hurt them. That's private and personal.

He called her a coward because she wasn't ready for everyone to know -- but that's her choice. He took that away from her. I have a big problem with choices being forcefully taken away. I haven't been this angry since Karofsky kissed Kurt and everyone just brushed it off as "just a kiss" and not for the sexual assault that it was, for the choice that was taken away from Kurt.

In the wake of this, the Quinn/Puck/Shelby storyline is laughable. I could care less and I wish I did care because they are finally dealing with the post-pregnancy Quinn questions. I just wish they weren't doing it so badly. Or at least alongside more interesting storylines.

From a different angle, I'm also pissed because how can I write the Finn in my story without bleed-off from s3 Finn?

My head hurts again. And I have work in the morning for an undetermined amount of time.

I don't feel like I can sleep yet, though.

I am conflicted.

I have not had a day this bad in awhile. I don't even want to go into details but I told my sister about it and how it made me feel viscerally and she said, "Yeah, that's a Jeff moment" which actually made me feel better 'cause at least I know where this is coming from. In short, this douche bag customer called me a liar and accused me of being rude. Anyone who knows me knows that is freaking impossible. The Boss was awesome, though, and pretty much got him to admit (eventually, some time later) that I had not in fact been rude at all. I dread having to deal with this guy, though because what will he say when The Boss isn't around? *sigh*

So I am curled up in bed with the cat and new scenes for my story are percolating nicely and adding a certain angle that I am rather pleased about. It softens some things and intensifies others. Mostly, though, I am curled up in bed with the vague awareness that there is ground beef in the fridge that needs to be made into tacos before it goes bad and that eating dinner isn't a completely outrageous idea and perhaps a nice cup of tea would help soothe my fractured nerves.

Or I will just watch Hal Sparks being lovely again in the hopes it will make me laugh. I can research yoga positions later.

Tomorrow I will be super busy again. Working from 12 - ? and then babysitting from 5 - ? The Boss and I have elected to not go to the Mummy exhibit at the FI on Sunday and go to a show instead as soon as we find one and both have the time/energy. We are very tired. Especially after today.

...I still feel like I might throw up. God Dammit.

Title: Fix You
Pairing: Kurt/Blaine
Spoilers: I Am Unicorn
Summary: Fix it fic for the ending of I Am Unicorn

( Read more...Collapse )

As far as I know this is a one-off. I needed to get it out. Who knows...

I am this close *holds fingers centimeters apart* to just throwing this fic in the bin and saying I'm Done. I've let it fester for nearly a week, it's time to either get it moving or toss it. I was sooo close, too. I was so ready to just bust through weekend #4 when the doubts started. It's been so long since I wrote this much - fandom or otherwise. It's teetering on 40K right now and only about half-way done. The last thing I wrote that was even remotely this big? Tilting at Windmills WHICH NEVER GOT FINISHED and is still sitting on Daisy at 68,000 words.

Perhaps I am just panicking. I don't usually do long fics. 20K is usually when I stop but this one just keeps pushing and pushing and you know I am an angst queen -- those of you who've been here since the HP days anyway. So I am so very conscious of going TOO far. Too over the top and as a reader you just go, "Oh. That's just...that makes no sense" because this cannot turn into a bad!fic. This cannot turn into some reject from ff.net and I am so afraid that that is what is happening.

Fear! The great writing cock-blocker.

And I can't help thinking to myself, "I need Kali". I wonder when I will stop doing that.

So I feel slightly psychotic as I try to fix this thing that may or may not need fixing. I can only say that I have some wonderful people trying to help me through it, but I know that ultimately it is my choice what happens. And I know sort of what I want to happen...I just can't seem to make it happen and that is perhaps the most frustrating part of all.

Stephen Anderson is a douche bag.

That is all.

Also: 31,214 words of fic/39,382 including scenes that will (hopefully) appear later and are already written

Hoping I can finish party weekend this weekend and move onto the next weekend...though I have no idea which one comes next.

My internet has been down since late Sunday. It just came back AND I HAVE TO CLEAN MY APARTMENT because apartment inspections are tomorrow.

And I have worked 11-hour days at the dry cleaner both yesterday and today. I have NO ENERGY nor desire to fucking CLEAN. I want to lie here and read porn and there is the fear that if I don't do it NOW that the internet will be gone again by the time I am done cleaning and then I will CRY.

I know I am working too much because both cats are snuggled up in a way to suggest that they miss me. Binky doesn't even mind that I am essentially using her head as an arm rest.

I want to read porn and cuddle my kitties! *wail*

There is at least 5 hours of cleaning to do (probably) and I have to open again tomorrow when usually Wednesdays are my day off. I have worked 21 hours in the last 2 days. What the shit. At least I am getting paid? And my boss is super generous with the praise. Lots of happy sighs and "You rock"s. But OMG SO TIRED.

I will just have to turn up Glee's Madonna album to ear splitting levels and just do this shit.

But omg I don't wanna. *is 2*

Thank God, though, I see my therapist tomorrow. I got some shit to get off my chest and maybe with her in the room I will be able to check my school e-mail. *hides face*