Being here is a bit of a mindfuck.

I went back into my archives to try to find a specific post because I am nearly 99% sure that I at some point talked about when L said she was going to commit suicide. I know I said something to incite it and I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT. And I was talking about it with my sister and she said that L had said it was because she needed a break and the insurance would only cover a week and THAT IS A LIE. So I was looking for evidence and got sucked into the hell that was 2006.

I feel like I should just hand this entire LJ over to my therapist an say, "Here is 10+ years of my life heavily documented" because holy shit was I a fucking mess.

And it feels sort of fitting to talk about how much of a mess I was on here because here is where it all is. The emotional blood spatter of L's abuse and neglect and just everything.

It feels like a decade since I was last here, but it's only been like a year...maybe a year and a half? I don't know who any of you are anymore. Though these days I don't really know who I am either.

This is all very strange.

Anyone still here?

So...it's been awhile, eh?

I'm not sure I've ever gone this long without updating. It's weird.

But, uh, I signed a lease. We officially have an apartment (once the last of the money and keys exchange hands) and we're moving in (if all goes according to plan) on the 9th of February.

It's a 1-bedroom, but's nearly as big as the place we have now, and it's IN Manhattan. Very north, but still considered Manhattan.

I am freaking out (like I do) and I'm trying to schedule 3-days off work and over a weekend in retail so we'll see if I am granted my time :P Mostly I just feel sick to my stomach and keep bursting into tears. It's been a very emotional last few days, can I just say?

There's not really much else to say? This has pretty much consumed my life for the last week and a half and before that, I've just been trying to keep my head above water and not have a breakdown over the idea of moving. I don't do moving well. And there's so much to do in preparation for the move and there's even more to do after the move.

I am full of so many emotions that I can't really name them all, really. Other than ill. I just feel ill and I'm questioning everything, but that isn't all that new. That's like SOP for me.

But anyway. Yeah. We're officially moving to NYC. For realsies ('cause the last 4 months didn't count?)

So I realized that the last time I posted it was because I was ridiculously tired and couldn't go home and the time before that it was OMG This is Not a Crisis But It Feels Like It. I figured an update might be good for those who are still sticking around.

Still in NYC. I now have a job. It's retail, but it's for a baby boutique so a little different from before. I'm a shopgirl again. This place is more structured and with good reason. Everyone is very nice, though, even though most of them I've only spoken with on the phone or e-mailed. I'm meeting most of the team this coming Wednesday. Very exciting.

Also still living with my sister. It looks like that'll be the case through January. But now I'll be able to save up money so when we do get an apartment, I can help pay the deposits instead of my sister shouldering all that monetary burden.

So things are better. As long as I don't fuck up at the new job too much ^_^ But today is my day off (\o/) so I'm nesting on the couch with my sister's computer and allowing myself to deal with the sick that I've been fighting off since Monday. UGH. Resting is hard. But easier now that I will soon have an income again (I don't actually get paid for another week. Argh. I have to get used to being paid bi-weekly instead of weekly :P and also getting paid about half what I got at the dry cleaners).

Yeah so. That's the update, I guess?

Oh and I'm still stupidly obsessed with One Direction.

Bye.

(psst. I'm on tumblr lots. @stellabeing for interested parties)

My sister has a cleaning lady.  Its great.</p>

Except for having to leave the house by 7:45 and I got about 4 hours of sleep and I'm so tired I want to cry.

Can't go back to the house until 2 and the library doesn't open until 10.

Sitting in a diner just wanting to sleep and cry.

v.v

Having one of those hysterical moments of "OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA!!!"

 

Move to a huge city.  With no job, no apartment, and no savings.

 

Seriously.  What the fuck was I thinking?

 

I hate everything.

Currently on a train to catch a bus to catch a cab to go to my sister's.

 

I quit my job yesterday.  It did not feel as liberating as I was expecting.  Instead I am rather depressed and also really angry.

 

There's no doubt that I did the right thing.  Especially after what transpired once I said it: "Its not okay.  I'm done.  I'm out. I quit."

 

So I'm on a train to catch a bus and a cab to go to my sister's.  To find a job up there and then an apartment so Kasey and Arielle and the cats can come, too.

 

This is the craziest thing I've ever done.  I think I might still be in shock actually.

 

And who knows.  Maybe after a week, I'll decide NYC sucks and come back.

 

Ha.  Right.

 

Its a new adventure, right?  And I've had itchy feet for awhile.  I lived in that town for seven years.  Time to move on.

 

Also my One Direction earbuds already broke :(  Never even got a chance to use them.

Long story short because I'm writing on my phone:

 

I might be quitting my job on Friday and moving to NYC. 

 

Yeah. 

Apparently I have kind of sort of joined (?) a new fandom but it has already ripped my heart to pieces and as a result I started working on The Original Multi-Media Novel Thing.

And I need betas/cheerleaders. It's only 1500ish words right now but it is massive in my brain and if I'm going to keep going I need (a) sounding board(s).

Willing persons would be lovely please and thank you.

If you are a person who is good with photoshop that would be great, too. Like I said -- multi-media. This thing is epic.