So the Backstreet documentary finally came out here this weekend and we rounded up a small fangirl posse to go and see it. Super-glad I’d allowed myself to be spoiled beforehand, because I think I would’ve been wrecked by all the personal stuff if I hadn’t had the chance to mentally prepare myself first.

Or, as I said: I’d been planning on watching it at home so I could cry there.

Lou Perlman's gameroom with the movie screen and the video games and the original Darth Vadar helmet totally sounded like a paedophile's lair, and that was before Howie mentioned that they used to watch porn there together. (Which is, I understand, something that paedophiles actually do: have kids watch porn with them as a way of raising the idea of sexual contact.) Lou was such a big part of the documentary that I kept expecting them to bring up the sexual abuse accusations made by Rich Cronin of LFO, not to mention Jane Carter’s insinuations. I guess I can see why they didn't want to touch on it, but at the same time, it felt like a big piece of the puzzle was missing.

Also, Nick's so disturbed by Lou's house he doesn't even want to go inside, Brian talks about how upset he is that Lou never made things right with him, and Howie casually wanders around taking photos on his phone like it’s nothing. I like Howie well enough, but what I realised after watching this documentary is that what I really like is Howie’s friendships with the other boys.*

* Especially Nick during the B & B tour.**

** When they were totally hooking up.***

*** It’s funny, we were talking afterwards about One Direction and it was mentioned that today's Larry tinhatters are basically yesterday's Domlijah tinhatters with the secret clothing messages and the evil management stuff and I thought, Ho, Ho, yes, fans are totally insane, but I will always believe there was something going on between Nick and Howie during the B & B tour. Perhaps it was just Nick intensely latching onto Howie in a post-Brian’s-marriage world, but perhaps it wasn’t. My tinhat has sparkles and a propeller on top, it's really pretty.

High school tours! So much wonderful old footage. I wonder if some of those girls will see themselves and laugh.

I could’ve watched hours of them writing songs in the London flat. So many hours. Also, I’d love to see more footage of the five of them living there, Brian making breakfast and bringing Nick his tea, all of them hanging around the kitchen island eating, because I imagine there’s actually very few times in their lives when it’s just the five of them and nobody else.

Brian makes excellent scrambled eggs. I wish I could get mine that fluffy.

Brian’s vocal issues were tough to watch. I suspected something had been wrong for a while, because I saw all four shows on their 2006 Australian tour and Brian was note-perfect throughout, and that was definitely not the case during NKOTBSB. But just when I thought the movie had dealt with them and ow ow Brian and okay, we’re past that, they came back in that massive fight between Nick and Brian.

Let’s talk about the fight, because I have so many thoughts.

1 :: Nick and Brian fight like brothers, which is to say: dirty and right for the jugular.

2 :: Brian, who’s spent the whole film doing things like saying “crap” and then apologising, says “fucking” several times.

3 :: Nick says he’s worried about Brian’s vocals, and Brian snaps something back about how he can worry about his own solos now he doesn’t have to worry about carrying Nick’s. What’s he referring to there? Was it when Nick was heavily using alcohol/drugs?

4 :: Nick also says he’s not frightened of Brian any more in a way that suggests that Brian was being aggressive towards him at some point in the past. Perhaps also related to the alcohol/drugs period? Because Nick seemed to adore Brian when he was younger.

5 :: Kevin the peacemaker was awesome. I can’t remember his exact words, but something about, Let’s talk from a place of love, because of course. Aww, Kevin.

6 :: The whole time Nick was yelling, all I could think was that he just wanted somebody to validate his existence.

7 :: Nick actually has a really good point to make — he feels they should be more involved in what’s going on with Brian’s voice instead of just hearing Brian’s working on it — but it gets lost in all the pent-up frustrations.

8 :: Nick says he always saw Brian and himself as the Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen of the group and that’s pretty sweet, but it kind of relegates the rest of Backstreet to supporting players, no?

Like I said: so many thoughts! I want a dozen dvd commentaries just on that scene, one from the perspective of each person who was in the room.

The documentary mentioned AJ's rehab (and I will never tire of hearing how Kevin kicked the door down), but I was surprised they didn't go into what I would probably dramatically call The Downfall of the Backstreet Boys. I still remember being at work and watching the other four boys talking on TRL on a tiny grainy video window and Nick with the broken hand and the crying and Howie calling him Nicky and none of that was there. They ended up finishing the tour after AJ came back from rehab, but they were clearly Really Fucking Tired of each other by the end of it. AJ relapsed and Nick was alone for the first time in his adult life and drank too much and got into some bar fights and Brian and Kevin went to home to be with their families and Nick tried to heal himself by making a solo album, and then then the entire band, including Nick, sued the record company for letting Nick make that solo album, and it was mess mess mess all the way down.

I’m probably more curious abut that period than the early years, honestly, because band origins are kind of like that Tolstoy quote about happy families. It’s when bands break apart that so much interesting stuff happens.

Brian really is winning, isn’t he? He’s such a charming guy and I always felt bad he got painted by some parts of fandom as an upright stick-in-the-mud.

Goofy AJ is still goofy. And should never tell the story about the shotglass again.

Kevin was the most insightful of the interviewees. Also, he might be the only man in existence who can pull off that fedora-style hat he was wearing. It really suits him.

Howie was… there. I enjoyed his zinger about AJ thinking he was a rockstar, not in a boyband, but I think the only personal thing Howie said during the entire documentary was that it was hard for him not getting solos. C’mon. I wouldn't be spilling my guts in a doco either, but once you've agreed to do it, commit!

I’m glad Nick’s doing better, sober, settled down, but he’s still so broken, isn’t he? Those damn parents of his.

Also, Bob and Jane used to shoot guns out the window when they were fighting? Bloody hell. How terrified those kids must’ve been.

Even as I felt it was time for Backstreet to let their bitterness about ’N Sync go, this was also the first time I really understood why they seemed so betrayed by Lou creating ’N Sync to begin with. They worked for years trying to make it in the US, realised they were going against the prevailing musical trends (grunge, etc), went to Germany, found producers to work with, found European success. Then Lou used all the knowledge and connections he’d gained to build ’N Sync and push them back into the US market, where they they promptly became bigger than Backstreet were. (Though Backstreet were always more popular globally.) So, yeah. I finally get it! But it’s probably time to realise that you won, boys.

I loved Kevin’s comment that Lou had “made them in our image”, which is both supremely creepy and a wonderful way of putting it. Very Biblical.

There’s a lot to be said about the way we make our own myths. We do it on a personal level, constantly editing our stories and memories of ourselves to fit in line with how we believe we are, and celebrities do it on a professional level, often with a dedicated team of PR flacks at their backs. This movie feels so personal in places, that Nick and Brian fight, Nick at his school, Brian dealing with his vocal issues, Kevin's father's death, and yet: the boys were producers. So presumably it doesn’t show anything they didn’t approve. If you’re Nick and you’re watching the rough cut of the film and there’s the moment you were dreading, the moment in which you basically break open in front of the cameras — and I do think that fight with Brian was much more of a breakdown than the crying at the elementary school, for all that it’s couched in anger — what makes you go, yeah, sure, let’s include that? I don’t know, but I really want to know.

I also would’ve liked to see a lot more about the fact that this album was a comeback for them, a chance to do it their way, write their own songs, finance their own recordings. Were they scared they’d fail and prove all those critics right who’ve been saying for twenty years that they’re just prettyboys who don’t play their own instruments? The film ends on a positive note, showing footage of the 20th Anniversary Tour, but I wonder how differently it would've been shaped if the album/tour had bombed.

Also, nothing about NKOTBSB and how that hit single and successful tour helped make them relevant again, setting them up for the success they’re having now?

Afterwards, they showed the live acoustic set that was performed in London at the premiere. Nopseud, Pen and Ephemera: I looked for you! I didn't find you, but I’d be surprised if you aren’t in the footage; there’s a lot of audience shots.

They still make Howie say the cheesiest lines, don’t they? Or perhaps he says them because he doesn’t have anything else interesting to say. Brian sounded good in places, kind of strained in others. I was impressed Nick did the high “Don’t want to hear you saaaaaay” part of the bridge in I Want It That Way, because I don't think I've ever heard him do that live before. The harmonies sounded good and I would totally be up for Kevin's suggestion that they do a live acoustic show of their next album and broadcast it around the world.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. I’m glad we went to watch it in the theatre so we could hang around afterwards and do some fannish post-show analysis. I miss that kind of thing!

Back in the day, some of us local fans used to get together on weekends and watch hours of footage that people from overseas had kindly sent us on video tape and squee and make in-jokes and really, as much as I love Backstreet — and I love Backstreet a lot — what I love more is how many lovely people pop fandom brought into my life. Some I’m still in contact with, and some have faded away, but the memories are still there. It was a really good community for me at a time when a lot of other things were going badly. Pop fandom is also where I learnt to write, how to critique my own work and critique others, and if I’m ever successful with my storytelling, it will be because of my time reading and writing and conversing with you all. I'm feeling the love right now. <3