I have lots I want to write about, but not a lot of time or energy, so I'll focus on one specific moment that just happened. I've been talking a lot with Actor-Guy; in fact, I'm not currently talking to anyone else. I'm still on some dating apps, because who knows, but right now my energy is going into getting to know Actor-Guy. (Also, Actor-Guy is not really an appropriate nickname; it should really be Theatre-Education-Guy, but that would be a pain to type.)  [We still haven't met because we live 2 hours apart and also, oh yeah, global pandemic.]

I've started the semester and am teaching one of my classes in person (a story for another post, perhaps), and so in preparation and in starting, I've been talking more about, well, my job. And since my job is in education, and Actor-Guy has also worked in higher education, we've talked a fair bit about academia and such. 

I suppose I should say here that I have multiple post graduate degrees. I have a Masters of Letters in teaching, a Masters of Fine Arts in directing, and doctorate in English Literature. This will be relevant in just a moment-- I'm not just sharing my educational background for the hell of it. 

In the middle of a conversation yesterday, Actor-Guy asks, "I assume you consider yourself a feminist?" 

We've already talked about feminism, so he knows I do (and he considers himself one, too), but rather than be rude and say "didn't we already talk about this", I just said yes, curious as to why he was asking. 

It turns out that AG has been talking about me to at least one of his friends. (This is totally fine. I'm writing about him in a blog, after all.) And this friend, a self-proclaimed feminist, told him that he should not pursue me romantically because I have more education than he does, and that my dating someone with fewer degrees would have a negative impact on me. In fact, she said, if he were to date me, that would be, and I really am fucking quoting here, "an act of oppression." 

I've seen some weird takes before, but I have to say this one surprised me. 

More than that, she said it to AG as if this was something every progressive and feminist should know because it's just obvious and that it's a widely shared thought. 

My response, and I apologized for it afterward because I suppose I was insulting his friend, was "That's the stupidest "feminist" take I've ever heard." 

(To be fair, when I was less in the moment, I was reminded that actually TERFs have the stupidest "feminist" take, but nevermind that for the moment.) 

But seriously, what the fuck? And he asked me not to be mad at the friend as she was looking out for me. I'm just glad I don't know what friend this is so that if I ever meet her I won't immediately judge her and demand "WTF?"

Conversation continued, though, and it was clear that AG was really worried about this and about the differences in the numbers of degrees we have, and wouldn't I rather be with someone who is my intellectual peer? I pointed out that education does not equal intellect, and that we've been talking for weeks now, so obviously I think he's my peer. Also, I know multiple people who have doctorates who I think are not particularly intelligent. I said I couldn't date someone who doesn't value education, but that, too, is different than having a bunch of degrees.

Eventually he changed the topic to music. 

What I didn't say, but thought of later when I was recounting this story to another friend, is that not only does education not equal intelligence, but in fact it rests on a whole host of other factors. What does it say about me that I have a PhD? It says that I had enough privilege (money, educational background, etc.) to be able to spend years on academic thought. Sure, it also says I put in the work and that I was smart enough to do this very specific kind of educational intellectualism, but that's only one of a billion ways of demonstrating intellect, and one that, given opportunity, a lot more people could achieve. (Not that I would recommend doing so just now, given the state of modern academia, but that, too, is for another post.) 

There's enough actual oppression out there, like the gender wage gap, particularly for women of color. We don't need to be inventing new not-actually-oppressive things to shame people for. We don't need to put advanced degrees on such a pedestal that their earners must be protected from the hoi polloi.

I don't want to say too much about what I know of AG's background because it's not my place, but suffice it to say that he has done things that I have not and could not and he didn't have all the privileges I did. He does have degrees that I'm extremely impressed by, but even so they don't measure his intelligence any more than if he had a PhD. Before he explained what he seemed to be worrying about (the act of oppression... sigh), he pointed out that I probably didn't have a lot of intellectual equals to choose from, that there aren't a lot of single PhDs just floating about. I joked that I do work at a university with a med school, so maybe I should pick up an MD, but even then I would consider them a slacker because where are their masters degrees, too? I hope it was obvious that I was joking, that I'm not so much a snob that I require multiple advanced degrees to speak with me (I mean, geez), and that there's no magical equation based on education (or anything else) that says if two people are compatible or equals. (And in the end, that's what I said-- that if we're not a match, it won't be because of a difference in education.) 

I have abandoned LJ, alas. Find me, comment to me, on DW, please!

 Really this is just a follow up to yesterday's post about dipping my toes into the world of online dating. 

Surprisingly, Military-Intelligence Guy showed up again and wants to start chatting via text (instead of app.) I haven't responded yet. 

Photographer-Guy sent me an audio message that seems to be detailed explanation about the trials and tribulations he's having in starting his new job, but I didn't listen to all of it because I was with my parents and grandparents all day. 

Have barely messaged with Life-Goals Guy, but in the handful of things we have said, he managed to ask again if I needed or wanted a roommate; we could drink together on weekends. (This was in response to me saying I felt like drinking due to family things.) Knowing that he doesn't currently have a job or a home, these repeated mentions of moving in with me have really started to bother me. 

And I've spent most of the day chatting with Actor-Guy. We talked about mental health and favorite Shakespeare plays and our childhoods and what we're looking for in a partner. So far, his major flaws seem to be that he doesn't like the show Slings & Arrows, he's way too fond of Samuel Beckett, and he doesn't like Disney. That last one is a little concerning but so far no deal breakers. :)

I usually manage to self-sabotage these sorts of things, but currently I'm feeling kind of hopeful about Actor-Guy. Obviously it's too soon to know anything really other than that I would like to meet him, but that's a start.

I have abandoned LJ, alas. Find me, comment to me, on DW, please!

 I haven't dated anyone since I moved to KY. (I flirted with one person for a while and it seemed like a possibility, until one night after we'd be laughing and flirting and drinking, he basically told me that he didn't want his boss involved with his love-life, and since his boss had tried to set us up, I took the message, and we've not hung out since.) 

I didn't leave behind any great love in AZ, either, but I'd seen some people and even had a 6month-ish relationship. (And the implosion of that, due to my awkwardness and probably a fear of commitment, is a story for another time. I hope he is doing well, though.) 

But a couple weeks ago, I got a haircut. I don't change much when I see my stylist-- I have long hair that I don't want cut short. For the past year and a half, the underside of my hair has been bleached/dyed blue and I've been getting my gray hair (sigh) covered, going slightly darker than my natural color. I still didn't make a huge change this time around-- we dyed the last 6 inches or so of all of my hair blue and I got bangs. (Sort of curtain bangs, sort of just long/in my eyes bangs. Honestly, I hated seeing forehead in the Zoom camera during meetings.)

(Did you know that there's a whole BOOM in the plastic surgery business right now? Apparently people REALLY hate seeing themselves in the Zoom boxes. At least I just got bangs and not a nose job or something.) 

Anyway, I thought I looked pretty good, and the overwhelmingly positive responses I received to the photograph I posted to Facebook bolstered that feeling, so I thought, what the hell, now's a good time to try online dating again. 

(I'm not looking for someone to complete me. I think 1+1=2. But if I could find someone with whom to be a team? A partner? A friend and lover? Yeah, thtat'd be awesome.) 

.... Trying to date after 6 years via app in the middle of a pandemic and a week before leaving town is PEAK Eilonwy. Good job me. 

Anyway, it's been 2 1/2 weeks and it's been interesting. It reminded me some things about myself (like how I overthink everything) and also has shown me that people who are single in their 40s probably are for a reason (myself included.) 

A run-down of the people with whom I've spoken so far (all via text, although in one noticeable incident via audio)

• Photographer-Guy: My first impression on seeing his photo was HOLY FUCK THIS GUY IS OUT OF MY LEAGUE. He's gorgeous. And he loves travel and is liberal and his photography (his profile linked to his instagram) is also gorgeous. And he messaged me back! (I started by using Bumble which requires the woman to make the first move.) I was giddy at first. But then, like 3 days in, he sent me a video of himself doing karaoke (alone in his house) and he mostly talks about going to the gym. When I wished him a Merry Christmas and asked how he was spending it, his response was a 2 minute audio message about cooking 40 pounds of beef and separating the fat from it and .... hell, I don't know. I don't eat meat so I tuned out. He's all for getting dinner when I get back into town (I'm out of state visiting my parents for 3 weeks), but I'm reluctant, partly because of the pandemic and partly because... what the hell will we talk about? As a friend said, we may have already figured out why he's hot but single. I tried asking about his photography but he didn't respond (despite making sure I'd seen his insta).

• Actor-Guy: We started talking on OKCupid (I realized that I didn't like making the first move over on Bumble.... and you get a lot more information about a person on OKC if they filled things out, whereas there's no place to even do that on Bumble). Conversation started slooooooooow. I messaged him about House of Leaves, a book by Mark Z. Danielewski that he referenced on his profile, and it took about 3 days of one-message-a-day to get beyond that. But as of Christmas Eve we've been talking more and have just switched over to text messages instead of the app's system, so that seems a step in the right direction. And he hasn't sent me karaoke or asked to join me in my life goals. (You'll see.) 

• Military Intelligence Guy: Another OKCupid find, he messaged me. If he is the state of our military's intelligence, I fear for our country. He seems incapable of remembering what we'd already talked about-- even though it was in text that he could look back at-- or at understanding what I'd said. I wished him a Merry Christmas yesterday (not everyone is good in writing, right?) but haven't had a response, so I think this one is over. I'll certainly survive. 

• Corps-of-Engineers-Guy: This one is actually a disappointment. He messaged me on OKC and we had a great conversation for one evening and then he disappeared. Which sucks because he was smart, funny, liberal, and attractive. Oh well. 

• Mandalorian-Guy: This one's a bit of an enigma because we haven't talked much. He started by messaging me about The Mandalorian (hence the name) and we haven't really gotten much farther than that, although he does have 3 cats and wasn't weirded out by my admission of 5. He went quiet for a few days so I figured that was the end of it, but popped up again today, so who knows? 

• Academic-Career-Guy: This one started super promising. Yeah, he was 2 hours away from where I live (I had to set the radius quite large because I live in the middle of nowhere), but he was in academia (administration) and was from where I currently live. We had a lot of interests in common and had a fabulous first conversation. We're still, nominally, talking, but since that first conversation, his EVERY SINGLE MESSAGE has been about how he got a job interview, a job offer, or how he's going to get a great next job. This is particularly galling because as someone in academia he must know that it's not the same out there for faculty. EVEN WHEN I TEXTED HIM MERRY CHRISTMAS, his response was about how he hadn't gotten any concrete offers before Christmas, so his gift was a bag of anxiety. He's super attractive and smart, but I'm so done. If he messages me again (and it's not about job offers) I'll respond, but otherwise, nope.

• Life-Goals-Guy: This one has had a lot of different names already. We matched on OKC and I was intrigued because not only did we agree on the big things (ie: politics, climate change, equality/equity) but we also seemed to complement each other, um, sexually. I think that's all I'll say about that because this journal is public now and it probably wouldn't take too much to link it to my actual self. But anyway, this seemed really promising! We had days of great conversation about the Big Stuff! We switched to text from the app. He suggested we meet up to either date or play and I was like, yeah! (Although given that he lives pretty far away, meaning he'd be making the drive purely to see me, and there's a pandemic going on, this made me nervous, too. But since I won't be back in town for a while, I figured that was Future-Eilonwy's problem.) But he's made two jokes (...I think) about whether I want a roommate (he's new to the area and not committed to the city he's picked.) And when we were talking about politics and the law, I mentioned that one of my interests is to either get a law degree or a masters in law (which doesn't let me practice but would enable me to be an advocate for immigrants.) He said I should do it, and I responded, Sure, along with my other life goals. :) 

His response was to ask if I wanted to take a chance and life goal together. 

.... I mean, I don't entirely know what he's saying there, but we've been talking for roughly 3 days and no, no I would not. I don't take the chance of so much going to the store without considering the weather, the probably crowds, and checking the website for its hours of operation. So I took a while to decide how to respond and went with something along the lines of "Ironically, that's both too spontaneous and too much commitment for me to answer yes to, lol". 

I thought he responded well with a "Haha" and smiley face. But when I messaged later to ask how his evening was going (I knew hew as alone for Christmas) his responses were terse and he seemed either maudlin or drunk (he said he was having a beer Christmas.) So I ended up not responding his last message and he hasn't texted since. 

Now I know it's hard to judge through text messages. He could have been joking all along; I could have wildly misinterpreted what he was asking/saying; he could just have gotten busy in the evening, but it just seemed so weird. Like, what response did he want??? "Sure, move on in, and let's get our law degrees?" (I haven't lived with anyone in 15 years and I'm not starting with a stranger I've literally never met and who currently doesn't have a job. That way lies madness.) 

There are a few other honorable mentions-- for example Dinosaur Footie Pajama Guy, Professional-Axe-Throwing Guy-- but conversation pretty much immediately petered out in most cases. Basically, it all boiled down to not knowing how to have a conversation. I understand that I'm the common denominator here, so it  might be something about me, but these guys didn't do themselves any favors, either. Everyone in question has been between 35-45, old enough to know how conversations work and young enough that they should be familiar with text as a form of communication. (I started texting when I was living in Ireland, in 2000, though that wasn't like full conversations because every text cost 10p. But between then and 2008, when the first iPhones came out, texting became, y'know, a thing. And most people my age used things like AOL Instant Messenger before that. So typing a conversation is not a foreign concept, or at least shouldn't be. But in so many cases it quickly became pulling teeth. I have enough problems like that with my students and don't need my dating life to be that way. It's a pandemic-- we're not going to immediately meet-- so learn to converse. I ask a question, you answer. I respond to your answer ... at that point it's probably your turn to ask a question. Like, y'know, how conversations work? I can only comment and ask so many questions before it becomes an interview instead of a conversation. 

So, that's my pandemic "dating" experience thus far. At first I thought it was a lot different than last time (about 6 years ago). Something about talking to men in their late 30s or 40s, when I would expect them to have their shit together, was different than early to mid 30s. It has something to do with how I don't feel like an adult most of the time, I think. But honestly, other than fewer people messaging to ask for immediate hookups, it's not much different than it was. There are still tons of profiles that don't actually say anything (my favorite being one that, under self-summary only said: "im just normal average man". No other info was provided and he hadn't even answered more than 5 of the OKCupid questions.) 

Also, speaking of learning about me.... I identify as bisexual (or pan)-- I have for 20 years now. I've only had a couple of girlfriends, mostly when in poly relationships. And I know that some people sort of swing around in what gender they're most interested in. I set both Bumble and OKC for men and women, but have not really found any women that I wanted to contact. I think this is partly because they all seem so sure of themselves and I'm projecting that they don't want someone who's bi. (That was certainly the experience I had when I first came out and tried online dating. Most of the women's profiles said they wanted lesbians only.) I'm generally attracted to more women than men, and I get along better with women than men. (This second part is undoubtedly mostly unconscious bias on my part as opposed to something intrinsically linked to gender, but that's where I am.) And yet, when I think romance for myself, these days it's almost always het. I know that there are heterosexual/biromantic kinds of labels, but I think that's too restrictive. 

Honestly, what this has all shown me is that dating apps are a useful tool but ultimately limiting. I could go out for a date with the hot Photographer-Guy, but if all he's really interested in is his job and the gym, then I'm not going on a second date. I might not find someone else's photos super compelling (honestly, like Life-Goals-Guy) but their personality (until they suggest life-goaling together) changes my perception. I've always thought that I would meet my "one" through friends, which in retrospect makes sense -- we'd have things in common already and attraction, if not immediate, could grow through getting to know each other. Alas, my friends have fallen down on the job. ;)

There's no fundamental point to this post. I'm not upset at how things are going. If I do meet up with any of these people (Actor-Guy seeming the most likely at this point, having taken the front runner place from Photographer-Guy (who has suggested dinner) and Life-Goals Guy (who has suggested getting together) due to being interesting and not creepy, so far) I'm sure it will cause enormous amounts of anxiety because that's just how introverted, insecure women with social anxiety roll especially in a pandemic and especially when it will be a 2 hour drive for whoever goes in whichever direction, making it seem like it has to be a Bigger Thing than, say, coffee. 

But it's what's happening in my (virtual) life, and taking up a portion of my thoughts, and so voila, a post is born.  I have abandoned LJ, alas. Find me, comment to me, on DW, please!