I'm in a business group that functions as a mutual support group, and the primary approach for seeking advice is to not. Instead, you have someone coach you through a problem you're having, going deeper than the initial surface level complaint to try to identify any root cause or emotions showing up, and then you seek _experience shares_.
The coach helps frame the ask for experience shares with the group: "tell us of a time you've had to part with an employee everyone on the team loved", "tell us about a time where you and your spouse have had misalignment of priorities", etc. And then we share our experiences.
The entire purpose of this is several fold, in this environment:
1. Beyond people being horrible at taking advice, that also had the net effect of being incredibly obnoxious bordering on offensive to the advice giver: why ask me what's good on the menu for you to utterly ignore me seconds later anyway? Why make me waste my brainpower for you if you're ignoring it regardless.
2. In a group setting, if you just listened to other people prescribe advice to someone's specific problems, you'd go insane from boredom. It's not relevant and would start to sound repetitive. Instead, you're listening to (hopefully) compelling, captivating stories of similar emotions but very different circumstances, and you yourself can draw pearls of wisdom from those even if you're not the one presenting your issue.
3. People relate more to a narrative. It's easier for them to identify where in a narrative they recognize themselves, and (again, presuming a certain base level of engagement and intelligence here) decide which pieces of that story are relevant in their context, but very much on their terms.
This removes the prescriptive pressure of "advice" and is instead "an experience you should hear about that might be relevant to you."
It allows the receiver to still choose their own adventure, but it also allows them to formulate new thoughts and approaches for their circumstance by pulling the pieces most contextually relevant to them.
It's surprisingly effective with your spouse and kid, as well, and much better than "order the burger" or "lift with your legs" in isolation. Tell your experience and story, because that illustrates for others _how_ you came to identify this approach, and it gives it credibility and gravitas.
Another approach I focus on is to ask people "what would happen if...?" I believe that people are the only expert in their own lives, so rather than offering suggestions, comments, or advice, I wait for them to tell me why my idea won't work. When I have a better idea of the potential obstacles to their success, with their details, we can workshop together to see if this is actually something they want to solve. If it is, we can work together to see what sort of solutions are actually viable.
Another variation I use is to ask questions about the issue the other person is trying to resolve. As I ask more detailed questions about the issue, I start asking questions that start looking like the advice I would give if I just blurted it out. It's a round-about way of getting them to solve their own problem or seeing how a solution might actually work.
The reason I prefer those methods is because it takes the burden of success off of MY shoulders.
I tend to find that I'm more inclined to offer advice when I'm personally stressed, myself. In a dysfunctional way, when I'm stressed, I'm inclined to take on the stress of others needlessly. I've found that the more stressed I am, the quicker I want others to solve their own issues because I'm already overwhelmed and I can't tolerate their struggle. When I hear myself giving too much advice, that's usually my sign that I need to get myself in order.
This is very good. My son is reflexively averse to being told what to do; he reads it as confrontational. So instead I invariably frame it as "when something like that happened to me, I did X and that helped."
I'm in a business group that functions as a mutual support group, and the primary approach for seeking advice is to not. Instead, you have someone coach you through a problem you're having, going deeper than the initial surface level complaint to try to identify any root cause or emotions showing up, and then you seek _experience shares_.
The coach helps frame the ask for experience shares with the group: "tell us of a time you've had to part with an employee everyone on the team loved", "tell us about a time where you and your spouse have had misalignment of priorities", etc. And then we share our experiences.
The entire purpose of this is several fold, in this environment:
1. Beyond people being horrible at taking advice, that also had the net effect of being incredibly obnoxious bordering on offensive to the advice giver: why ask me what's good on the menu for you to utterly ignore me seconds later anyway? Why make me waste my brainpower for you if you're ignoring it regardless.
2. In a group setting, if you just listened to other people prescribe advice to someone's specific problems, you'd go insane from boredom. It's not relevant and would start to sound repetitive. Instead, you're listening to (hopefully) compelling, captivating stories of similar emotions but very different circumstances, and you yourself can draw pearls of wisdom from those even if you're not the one presenting your issue.
3. People relate more to a narrative. It's easier for them to identify where in a narrative they recognize themselves, and (again, presuming a certain base level of engagement and intelligence here) decide which pieces of that story are relevant in their context, but very much on their terms.
This removes the prescriptive pressure of "advice" and is instead "an experience you should hear about that might be relevant to you."
It allows the receiver to still choose their own adventure, but it also allows them to formulate new thoughts and approaches for their circumstance by pulling the pieces most contextually relevant to them.
It's surprisingly effective with your spouse and kid, as well, and much better than "order the burger" or "lift with your legs" in isolation. Tell your experience and story, because that illustrates for others _how_ you came to identify this approach, and it gives it credibility and gravitas.
I agree with you, Chris.
Another approach I focus on is to ask people "what would happen if...?" I believe that people are the only expert in their own lives, so rather than offering suggestions, comments, or advice, I wait for them to tell me why my idea won't work. When I have a better idea of the potential obstacles to their success, with their details, we can workshop together to see if this is actually something they want to solve. If it is, we can work together to see what sort of solutions are actually viable.
Another variation I use is to ask questions about the issue the other person is trying to resolve. As I ask more detailed questions about the issue, I start asking questions that start looking like the advice I would give if I just blurted it out. It's a round-about way of getting them to solve their own problem or seeing how a solution might actually work.
The reason I prefer those methods is because it takes the burden of success off of MY shoulders.
I tend to find that I'm more inclined to offer advice when I'm personally stressed, myself. In a dysfunctional way, when I'm stressed, I'm inclined to take on the stress of others needlessly. I've found that the more stressed I am, the quicker I want others to solve their own issues because I'm already overwhelmed and I can't tolerate their struggle. When I hear myself giving too much advice, that's usually my sign that I need to get myself in order.
This is very good. My son is reflexively averse to being told what to do; he reads it as confrontational. So instead I invariably frame it as "when something like that happened to me, I did X and that helped."