Post full of self-pity DX
mood: 
pessimistic
So today Megan came in to swim, after going away for a couple of days. She came up to me and Amanda and said high and gave us little presents from her trip (a magnet and key chain from the zoo). I was nice seeing her. Then super enthusiastically she said to amanda, "I REALLY MISSED YOU!! :3" then to me was the less enthusiastic, "I missed you too." Pretty much, the: i-didn't-really-miss-you-but-since-you'r
Basically the two of them started talking about all the stuff they'd done together and the texts they'd exchanged, and I was left just feeling like I wasn't apart of the conversation. She was mostly just talking to amanda. I'm the type of person where, when i feel left out, I tend to just shut down. Basically, I'm not the type to monopolize a conversation or demand to be the center of attention. I was that kid who hid behind her mom's legs because I was too shy to talk to people. It's taken most of my will power to not be that way, but it's still hard for me. So hearing them go on like that was just like, ah I'm not that important, and it made me feel depressed. Then I just kind of stop talking, and stop actively participating. They basically just kept going on and on. Every so often meg tried to include me, but at that point, I was in full-on shut down and depressed.
Like, Megan had sent Amanda pictures from the aquarium and other things, and they had been exchanging texts and things. Meanwhile, I got nothing. Not a picture. Not a text. I've known Megan for over two years now, she was lap swimmer who comes in all the time, but since she talks to everyone, we became friends, and have hung out, outside of the Y.
Then I just started thinking, since I wasn't participating in the conversation, like even though she one time told me, "oh, don't worry, you're always number 1 (like at the Y kind of thing)" that is totally not true. Every time we hang out, the conversation turns into "oh Brett & I did this. Amanda and I did that. Oh the three of us did this together" which then makes me feel even more left out. I never even get asked out to do stuff.
Then, my thoughts turn to, "oh well, I'm not that interesting, so I understand". Basically, I've never had that many friends, and I don't really feel the need to have that many, but sometimes, stuff like that just hurts. Like, a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes I think it would be better to just be by myself and be that lone wolf, then you don't really have to worry about people.
I should say, Megan did notice I was feeling down, and asked me what was wrong. But as per usual, all I did was say, "nothing, I'm fine" because I feel like telling her it bums me out when all she does is talk to amanda about stuff they did together or brett would be unfair, since it's not really her fault. It's just my own shit, and it would probably just make her feel awkward, or she would just say, get over it. which is difficult for me to do. So i just shove it in and keep it to myself.
Oh, and when I came home, I was greeted by this sight:
The flowers I gave my mom for my birthday, just thrown and abandoned on the ground. Any other day, I seriously would not have cared. But of course today, it was like, par for the course.
