Blue Skies and Pain (Part Three of Four)

"He's great," Luke said, as Reid walked him to the apartment elevator.

"Yeah, he is."

"And cute," Luke added.  Reid rolled his eyes.  "And that accent!"

Reid chuckled.  "Yeah."

"And he's a professor? You hit the jackpot.  You get to act out all those dirty teacher fantasies," Luke teased.  Reid shook his head and smiled.  "How long have you been together?"

"Almost a year.  He moved in a four months ago.  It was a little quick, but his lease was up, and I don't know...it just felt right."

Luke took a deep breath.  "I'm happy for you, Reid."  The elevator chimed.  "Well...thank Greg again for dinner."

"Luke," Reid said, reaching out and tugging on Luke's arm.  "Wait.  How was rehab?"

Luke shrugged.  "Ya know........they pull out all of your demons and make you talk to them."

"Are you clean?"

Luke bristled.  "Reid.  It's been twenty four hours.  Are you asking if I'm using already?  Do I seem fucking high to you?  Drunk?"

"No, of course not.  That's not what I meant," Reid said shaking his head, still getting used to a Luke who cursed freely.  "Relax.  I'm not accusing you of anything.  I just........how do you know if it worked?"

Luke huffed out an irritated chuckle.  "It didn't, at least not in the way you want me to tell you it worked.  I'll always want to drink.  Every day, for the rest of my life, even on the good days."

"And on the bad days?"

Luke shook his head.  "On the bad days, I'll have to fight myself for my own life, but that's nothing new.  I've been doing this for years."

"You can do it.  You're strong."

"No, I'm really not.  You don't know me, Reid.  You don't know a thing about me."

Reid tried not to let Luke know that his words hurt but then again, maybe he didn't know Luke afterall.   "Is today a good day or a bad day?" he asked.

Luke laughed.  "Your fucking ego."  Reid's brow knotted in confusion.  "I can handle the fact that you've moved on, doctor."  Reid shook his head.  That's not what he meant at all.  "Don't worry.  I'm not going to go home and off  myself over the fact that you have a hot, British boyfriend.........who is a scholar and has mad skills in the kitchen."

"Welsh."

"What?"

"He's Welsh, not British," Reid corrected Luke.  "He's from Wales.  For some reason he gets all bent out of shape about being called British, which I don't understand, Wales is part of the United Kingdom.  It's some weird rivalry thing or something...sort of like Houston and Dallas..."  Reid realized he was babbling and closed his mouth.

Luke softened and smiled.  "Now I know why you call him Harry, even though his name is Greg.  You and the nicknames..."  He shook his head.

"Prince Harry's the hot one."

Luke laughed.  He then rolled his lips in and nodded. "We probably shouldn't see each other," he said, rather abruptly.  Reid agreed, but he didn't say anything.  "I think it will be easier for both of us.  And....as hospitable as your boyfriend was this evening, I don't think he'd be too happy if you were hanging around with me."

"We're bound to run into each other here in this tiny burg."

Luke nodded again.  "We can be cordial, but...."  Luke pressed the button to retrieve the elevator again.

"Luke?"

"Hmm?"

"If things are ever bad for you..."

"I'm going to be fine," Luke reassured him.  "I've got plans.  You don't need to worry about me."

Reid was struck by the hollowness of Luke's words.  He wrapped his hand around Luke's wrist.  "I don't think I'd survive it if something happened to you, okay?  Promise me if things get bad, you'll ask for help."

"From you?"

"From anyone."

The elevator chimed again.  Luke leaned forward and kissed Reid on the cheek.  "Goodbye, Reid."

************************************************

Reid re-entered the apartment, laid down on the couch, and put his head on a pillow in Greg's lap, unable to shake the uneasy feeling he had about Luke.  He swore he could still feel the scratch of Luke's facial hair against his cheek where he had kissed him.

"He seems nice," Greg said, resting his hand on Reid's chest.

Reid nodded.  "Thanks for being so cool about him just showing up here.  I don't know what I would have done if the roles were reversed."

"You probably would have been a snarky asshole," Greg said, smiling and moving his hand to play with the curl of hair behind Reid's ear.  "He's good looking,"

"He said the same thing about you."

"And young," Greg continued, his voice low.  "And he didn't know I existed before walking through the door..."

Reid shook his head.  "The conversation didn't come around to it."  Greg sighed.  "Seriously," Reid said, sitting up.  He put his hand on the back of Greg's neck.  "That first night, he was sick, and then the second time I saw him, we didn't talk for long before he was asking me to leave."

"You would have told him?" Greg asked, sounding much too unsure for Reid's comfort.

"Of course I would have told him!  I thought you trusted me."

"I did." Greg insisted, shrugging Reid's hand off of him.  "I mean, I do! But he's incredibly attractive, and he's funny, and I can see why you like him."

"Liked him.  And have you looked in the mirror?"  He took Greg's face in his hands and ran his thumb over his bottom lip.  "You're not exactly struggling in the looks department either."  He kissed Greg softly on the lips.  Greg rolled his eyes but smiled at the compliment.  "And we're not going to see each other.  So, this is a non-issue, ok?"  Greg nodded.  "I'm going to bed.  You coming, Prince Harry?" Reid asked as he stood up off of the couch.  He put his hand out to Greg, but Greg picked up the remote instead.

"No.  I'm going to watch TV for awhile."

*************************************************************

Over the next few weeks, Reid and Luke didn't see each other like they agreed, except for the one day that Reid had seen Luke in the check out line at the grocery store, but Luke didn't see him.  Reid had ducked behind a display, his heart beating wildly, and he had waited until Luke exited the store before resuming his shopping.

Reid tried not to think about Luke or wonder how he was doing, but every now and then when his mind was idle, Luke had a way of sneaking into Reid's thoughts.  When this happened, Reid would let his mind's eye linger on Luke for awhile, whether it was in the form of concern, fantasy, or a memory, but after a few moments, he would shove his thoughts back behind a curtain of indifference and mentally scold himself for letting his mind go there.

Things were good with work and with Greg, and the subject of Luke did not come up again until a Tuesday night in early May when Reid and Greg were sitting at a patio table at the River Dog Cafe, listening to live music while enjoying burgers and beer.   Reid felt his phone buzz in his pocket.  He brushed a napkin across his mouth and retrieved his phone.  A quick glance at the screen told him it was Holden.  He let the phone go to voice mail, but then it vibrated again a few seconds later.  Reid sighed and then leaned over and spoke close to Greg's ear to be heard over the music.  He excused himself and went to the bathroom, where he pulled the phone out of his pocket and dialed Holden's number.

"Reid."

"Yeah."

"We can't find Luke."

"And you're calling me why...?"

"Have you seen him?"

"No.  I haven't seen him in over a month.  How long has he been missing?"

"Since around2:30."

Reid looked at his watch and guffawed.  "Three and a half hours is hardly a span of time that would require you to send out the bloodhounds.  He's a grown man.  I'm sure he's fine."

"He got a call from Noah this morning, and then he disappeared this afternoon without telling anyone where he was going.  He might have been upset, or maybe he was kidnapped."

"Kidnapped?  Are you serious?"  Reid asked, shaking his head at Holden's ridiculousness.

"It happens.  His car is here at the house.  We've checked all the bars and clubs in the area...at the hospital.  He's nowhere."

"Listen, Mr. Snyder, I'm going to get back to dinner.  I'm sure he'll show up.  Maybe he went for a walk.  He could be at the Java...or eating dinner.   Maybe he was picked up by a friend.  Have you checked with that Hughes kid?"

"Casey hasn't lived here in over a year now.  He and Allison moved to Carbondale so that Allison could attend the University of..."

"Please, I don't need everyone's life story," Reid interrupted.  "I've gotta go."

"You're  not going to help us find him?" Holden asked.

"He's not my problem.  And maybe rather than running around town looking for him, you should chill the hell out and have confidence in him.  Maybe he found someone to spend time with."  Reid didn't want to contemplate why that possibility made his chest feel tight.  "If he doesn't show up by morning, then you can freak out and alert the authorities."

"Oakdale PD is already looking for him."

"Of course they are............so you don't need my help.  Good luck...if you'll excuse me, my food is getting cold."

***********************************************************
Reid returned to the table and squeezed Greg's shoulder as he sat down.  "Sorry about that."

"Was it the hospital?"

"No, it was um........nevermind.  It's not important."

"You're not going to tell me who called?" Greg asked, taking a sip of his beer.

"If you really have to know, it was Luke's father.  He can't find him, and he was wondering if I'd seen him."  Reid shook his head, hoping to convey that he dismissed Holden's concern.  "I told him that I hadn't seen him in weeks."  Reid looked at the small, now empty stage.  "Where did the band go?"

"He's missing?"

"No.  No, he's not missing...you've gotta understand his family...they are all in each other's business all the time, and if someone is unaccounted for for more than five minutes, they're putting out an APB.  This town is unreasonably worried about kidnappings for some reason."

"How long since they've seen him?"

"Mid afternoon."  Greg chuckled.  "See?  They're crazy.  I'm sure he's fine."  But even as he said the words, something in the pit of Reid's stomach didn't feel right.  Nonetheless, he picked up his double bacon cheeseburger and took a bite, while glancing over Greg's shoulder at the river that ran by the restaurant. River.  Water. Reid put the burger down and wiped his mouth with a napkin.  "I know where he is..."  He shook his head.  That's the first place they should have checked.  Reid took his phone out to text Holden but then decided not to and put it back in his pocket.  He quietly concentrated on his food.

"You can go," Greg said before finishing off his beer.  "Both of our cars are here."  Reid shook his head and took a french fry off Greg's plate.  "You know you want to go find him."

"I told you, he's fine.  And I don't care anyway."

"Bullshit."  Greg signaled the server and pointed at his own beer glass.

Reid looked at his watch.  "Are you mad or something?" he asked, reaching for Greg's hand on the table.

Greg pulled his hand away and put it in his lap.  "No."

Reid wasn't sure he believed him.  "Okay..."

"Seriously, doc...go find him."

"You'd be okay with that?" Reid asked, taking another sip of his drink.

"It's better than you sitting here, preoccupied."

God, Reid couldn't believe he was about to do this.  "Okay...but I won't be late.  I promise."

"I won't wait up," Greg said.  His voice sounded light, almost teasing, but his mouth was in a straight line, and Reid couldn't read his eyes.

Reid threw three twenty dollar bills onto the table and stood up.  "Thanks."  He squeezed Greg's shoulder and looked toward the bar area.  "That's two beers.  If you have anymore, call a cab, okay?"  Reid knew that the third drink is the one that always got Greg buzzy.   "Or call me.  I shouldn't be long."

Greg saluted Reid, his eyes straight forward, watching the band return to the small stage.  Reid leaned down to kiss Greg goodbye, and as their lips touched, Greg grabbed the back of Reid's head and shoved his tongue forcefully into Reid's mouth.  Greg was usually hesitant about public displays of affection.  He'd gotten gay bashed when he was younger for holding a guy's hand in a parking lot, so the deep kiss surprised Reid.  It felt a little territorial, and Reid couldn't tell if that thrilled him or made him uneasy.  When they broke apart Greg gave him a sad smile.  Reid pulled his chair back out and shook his head.  "He's fine.  I don't need to go anywhere."

Greg grabbed the leg of the chair and pulled it back toward the table.  "Just go, Reid.  I want you to go.  If he's in danger, and something happens, you'll feel awful.  Go do what you need to do."

 Reid nodded.  He leaned down and whispered, "I love you,"  intimately against Greg's ear.

Greg shook his head.  "Yeah.  Me too."

****************************************************************************

Reid pulled up as close as he could to the pond..  Luke looked back at him, squinting.  Reid cut the engine and picked up his phone.  He texted Holden:  I found him.  He's fine.

As Reid walked to the dock, he passed a bike, leaning against a tree.  His boots clunked against the old wood of the dock, but Luke didn't turn around again.  Reid toed off his boots and removed his socks near a pile of clothes, about five feet from Luke.  As he approached Luke, he removed his jacket, and when he reached him, he draped it over his shoulders.  "It's not even Memorial Day yet; you really want to be back in the hospital with pneumonia from swimming in this swamp?"  He sat down next to Luke and lowered his feet into the water, up to his ankles.  "Hell, that's cold."  He watched Luke slide his arms into the jacket.  "The whole town is looking for you."

"What? Why?"

"Because Oakdale's Golden Boy is missing."

"I'm not missing.  I went for a bike ride.  I left a note in the kitchen on the table."

Reid shook his head.  "Well, your whole family, the citizenry, and the entire police task force of three officers have assumed that you are the victim of foul play and are looking for you."

"And yet you're the only one who knows where to find me."

"I pay attention," Reid joked.   Luke sighed.  Reid put his hand on the back of Luke's neck, his skin cool and damp.  "You okay, Snyder?"

Luke shrugged Reid's hand off.  "Yeah.  I'm fine.  I guess I better go call my dad."  He started to stand up, but Reid gently pulled him back down.

"I already let him know that I found you.  C'mon, talk to me.  What's going on?"

"Nothing.  Why are you here?  We agreed we wouldn't see each other."

"Holden told me that you heard from Noah today."

"Oh my God.  What the fuck?  He calls my ex boyfriend to talk about my other ex boyfriend?  That's so far outside the bounds of..."

"He was worried about you."

"Don't defend those people."

"Those people? They're your parents."  Luke stayed quiet for a few minutes, and Reid watched the sun setting behind the trees on the other side of the pond.  The water lapped against the dock and lightening bugs started to show themselves in the waning light of the day.

"He's moving to Berlin."  Reid turned toward Luke, and Luke sighed.  "Noah.  He's moving overseas.  And he's getting married."

Reid's brow furrowed.  "Married?  Well he better get married over here.  I don't think Germany allows same sex marriage."

Luke laughed out loud, which startled Reid.  "He's marrying a fucking woman."

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Wow," Reid said, rubbing a hand over his face.

"Yeah."

"How does that make you feel?" Reid asked.

"You sound like my therapists in rehab.  The weird part is, I don't feel anything.  I don't care."  Luke sighed.  "It doesn't surprise me as much as it should."

"It doesn't surprise you that he's bi?"

"I don't want to talk about him.  We're done.  People move on."  Luke glanced over at Reid, and Reid felt vaguely like Luke was accusing him of something.  Luke turned and stared out at the pond again.

They were quiet for a few moments.  Reid looked at the pink and yellow clouds and listened to the birds across the pond.  He then turned to Luke who was sitting with his hands in his lap, wearing nothing but a pair of wet boxers and Reid's jacket.  Reid needed to know, so he took a deep breath and asked the question that had been on his mind for weeks now.  "What happened to you out there?  How did it get so bad?"

Luke stood up and took off Reid's jacket.  "I'm going to change.  If you want to look, then look.  If not, don't."

Reid thought that was a strange thing for Luke to say.  He didn't like the lack of enthusiasm in his voice.  He stayed facing forward and heard the wet boxers hit the dock with a thwump.  He decided that Luke probably didn't feel like talking about California or his decline into drugs and alcohol, so he wouldn't push the issue.  A couple of minutes later, Luke sat down next to him in rolled up jeans.  He had Reid's jacket on again.  "I hope this is okay.  I'm cold," he said, pulling the front of the jacket closed.

"Yeah...yeah, of course," Reid said.  He looked at Luke's damp hair and struggled to keep from putting his arm around him to warm him up.

Luke took a deep breath.  "The time out there is a blur.  In the beginning, it was fun being in LaLa Land...ya know, moving into our apartment and exploring the area.  We went to Venice and Malibu, acting like tourists...to the Hollywood sign and the Planetarium...the Tar Pits and the Museums....up and down the Boulevard.  But after a few weeks, the novelty wore off.  Noah was working all of the time, and I wasn't doing anything.  I didn't have a job.  I missed my foundation work, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.  I even missed running the shipping company.  He'd go out with his film colleagues, and I'd be at home eating Ramen.  I missed my family...my friends.......you.  Sometimes I'd go with him to work functions, but he acted weird, like he was someone else, like he was putting on a front to cover up the fact that he was wet behind the ears, ya know?   He was always talking about his stupid artistic vision, and when I tried to contribute to the conversation, he'd make jokes at my expense, like I wasn't Hollywood enough or something......or he'd just leave me sitting there by myself, not knowing anyone.  After while, I just stopped going.  I hated it out there.  I felt invisible."

"Why didn't you come home?"

Luke shook his head.  "I felt like I needed to follow through on something for once...I don't know.  It was stupid.  I got a job at a book store, so at least I had something to do, but Noah was home less and less, and when he was home, he was distant and moody.  Things weren't going well on his project; he lost some financing.  I offered to make up the difference, but of course that just sent him into a tirade about how  my money couldn't fix everything and how wonderful it must be to be so privileged.  I've grown a thick skin about it over the years, but it still hurts when someone I care about ridicules me for my wealth.  It's not like I asked for it.  It was all out of my control.   I didn't ask for any of it.  And let me tell you, when people need money, I'm everyone's best friend."

Reid immediately felt a pang of guilt, as his words from almost two years before came flooding back to him: trust fund brat, richie rich, silver spoon.  "Luke, I..."

"Relax," Luke said, bumping Reid's shoulder with his own.  "I wasn't talking about you."

"I said those things before I really knew you...before I knew how generous you were, and..."

"Before I funded your neuro wing?"

"Ouch.  Luke, I'm s..."

Luke shook his head.  "Reid.  Don't.  That was a long time ago, and I know you don't feel like that anymore."  Reid nodded, not sure that Luke believed his own words.  "So, Noah's project was shitty, and he was taking it out on me most of the time.  He'd rant and rave, and if I offered any advice he'd scoff and make it clear that I knew nothing about film and storytelling, and whatever.  I tried.  I tried to be supportive.  I tried to rationalize the fact that he was verbally abusive.  I also tried to rationalize the fact that we weren't having sex.  He was tired, overworked.  That was his excuse anyway.  I could handle not having sex, but......he never really even looked at me anymore...or kissed me...touched me.  It felt a lot like when he was blind, his unwillingness to give me anything I needed.  It was all about him.  We slept in the same bed, but it felt like we were roommates, not lovers."

"Maybe he DID suffer brain damage when I restored his eyesight...what an idiot..."

Luke smiled,and when his eyes met Reid's, the doctor experienced a surge of warmth in his chest and a stomach full of butterflies that felt familiar in regards to Luke.   Instantly, Reid was transported to early 2010 when his arguing with Luke bordered on flirting, when he had to fake annoyance to mask his desire.  Reid turned away and cleared his throat.

"I was lonely in L.A....sounds like the name of a bad movie, huh?  I went for a walk one night, and I ended up at a gay bar.  I wasn't invisible in there."

"I bet."

"I had every intention of drinking, but instead, I ended up leaving with a guy.  I didn't even want to know his name.  We went to his place, which was not that far from our apartment.  The whole time, I was thinking how unlike me it was to be doing those things with someone I didn't know, but then afterwards, there was a freedom in it. There were no expectations.  I'd gotten what I wanted.  I didn't have to stay.  He had some pills on the kitchen counter.  I took some...stole them.....on my way out the door, just put them in my pocket.  When I got home I took them, and I slept like the dead."

"What were they?"

"I have no idea."

"Jesus, Luke..."

"After that, I started going to bars almost every night.  There was always someone to talk to.  I wasn't sitting home alone anymore.  These guys didn't consider me low brow or pedestrian like Noah seemed to.  I hung out with that  guy a few more times.  His name was Tank.  Can you believe that?  Tank."  Luke chuckled.  "And I hung out with other guys too."

"Hung out or fucked?"

"Both."  Luke sighed.

"Did you do more pills?"

"Yeah, I did a lot of pills.  Uppers.  Downers.  Ecstasy.  I drank a little too, but I was drinking less.  I was actually proud of myself about drinking less."  Reid shook his head.  "I know it was messed up, Reid.  But at the time, it all made me feel normal.  I didn't feel as lonely.  Guys wanted to spend time with me."

"Of course they did, " Reid answered, more sarcastically than he meant.  He was having a hard time wrapping his mind around what Luke was telling him.  Luke, who had made him wait....allowing Reid only the tamest access to his body.  And now here was Luke telling him that he was pretty much fucking any guy with a pulse.

"Then one night I was feeling sick, so I went home, and I walked in on Noah getting fucked in our bed."  Luke made a sound that was half laugh/half whine.  "I didn't care really...I mean, I was fucking around.........but I can count on one hand the number of times he let me anywhere near his ass.  He wasn't into that, or so he'd told me......but there he was with his ass in the air for someone else.  In reality, I guess he just wasn't into it with me."

Luke got quiet for a few minutes, and Reid wasn't sure what to do.  He wanted to hug Luke.  He  wanted to tell him that Noah was an asshole and that he was blind in ways that had nothing to do with his eyes.  He wanted to tell him that Noah's rejection had nothing to do with Luke and everything to do with Noah's own issues.  Instead, he stayed quiet and waited for Luke to continue.

"Anyway," Luke finally said, "We fought.  He turned it around on me...said that he knew that I was drinking and screwing around on him.  I didn't deny it.  It was true.  He called me a slut and a drunk...I guess it was true...........told me that I was weak and that I was disappointment.  I don't even remember everything we said to each other, but at one point, he took a swing at me.  I ducked and then stood and gave him an upper cut to the jaw."  Luke smiled sardonically.  "That felt good.......................I left that night...packed a duffel bag and just left.  I met up with a guy I knew and spent the night at his place, but I was gone before morning.  The next day, I rented a room in a motel.  I continued to party.  I left my job one day and never went back. I didn't care.  I felt so out of control.  All I did was get high and fuck...when I wasn't so out of my head that I couldn't get it up.  It was another addiction...something that made me feel good at the time but that I was ashamed of the next day.   I did that for months before I got sick, broke down, and called my parents.  You know the rest."

Reid ran a hand over his face.  "Listen, Luke...I don't discount the merits of recreational sex, but.....please, tell me you were careful."

Luke shrugged.  "I think I was, but there are some nights I simply don't remember...and I wasn't thinking clearly during that time....I simply didn't care......I was stupid.......did a lot of risky things.........but I've been tested a couple of times now, and they've come back negative.  I'll test again in three months."

Reid stopped resisting and put his arm around Luke.  He squeezed the junction between Luke's shoulder and neck gently.  "What about the cutting?"

Luke sighed.  "I swear to you that I haven't done that since rehab.  I can't explain it except to tell you that it made me feel better....less lonely.......more in control.  Stupid, huh?"

Reid shook his head.  "Hey, I'm the king of defense mechanisms, who am I to judge?"  He chuckled but then got serious.  "I hate that you were going through all of that and that I didn't know.  I would have been there in a heartbeat."

Luke nodded.  "I know."

Reid put his hand on the back of Luke's head, Luke turned to him, and before he knew what was happening, Luke's lips were pressed against his own.  Reid gave into it for a few brief moments.  Their mouths remembered each other and molded together easily.   Luke smelled and tasted familiar in a way that made Reid's chest ache.  He even opened his mouth briefly when he felt Luke's tongue swipe his bottom lip, but then he thought of Greg and pulled back immediately, missing the warmth of Luke's mouth as soon as they separated.  "Luke..."

"Oh my God," Luke said, pushing Reid's arm from around his shoulder.  "I'm so sorry, Reid.  I shouldn't have done that."

Reid shook his head.  "No, it's okay.........it's just.................I can't."

"I know.  I'm sorry," Luke said, standing up and taking off Reid's jacket.  Reid stood up as well, and Luke handed him his jacket without looking at him.

Reid watched silently as Luke put on his shoes and started walking off the dock.  He picked up his own shoes and followed Luke.  "Where are you going?"

Luke lifted the bike away from the tree.  "I'm going to farmhouse to call my parents.  They're probably worried.  They'll come pick me up."

"I can drive you.  I have some rope in my trunk.  We can put your bike in it and tie the back down."

"No," Luke said, looking away.  "It'll be too awkward, and..."

Reid put his hand out and touched Luke's arm.  "Luke."  He turned to him, and Reid pulled him into a hug.  "It's me, Luke.  Things have never been awkward between us.  Let's not start now. Okay?"

Luke stepped out of Reid's embrace.  "But I kissed you, and you're in a relationship, and..."

"And I kissed you back," Reid admitted.  "And then we stopped, so let's not make a federal case out of it."

"Will you tell Greg?"

"Yes."

"Really?"  Luke asked.

"We're honest with each other.  I won't deceive him."

"Oh, God.  He's going to hate me."

Reid laughed.  "Luke, you're my ex.  He's supposed to hate you.  But knowing Greg, he'll understand............I mean, c'mon, he knows how irresistible I am.  How could you not kiss me?"

Luke rolled his eyes.  "You are insufferable, Dr. Oliver."

Reid sucked in a breath and hoped Luke didn't hear it.  Luke hadn't called him that in a long time and it brought back another flood of memories.  Reid cleared his throat.  "C'mon, I'll take you home," he said and couldn't help adding, "Mr. Snyder."

*******************************************************************

Reid walked in the door to find Greg sitting on the couch with a beer in his hand, the flickering of the tv the only light in the living room.  He looked down at the coffee table and found four empty beer bottles there.  "You kept the party going when you got home, huh?"  He sat down next to Greg and kissed him on the cheek.  "I didn't see your car out there.  Did you call a cab?  We can pick your car up in the morning."

Greg took a sip of his beer and ignored Reid's question.  "Did you find him?"

Reid nodded.  "He was exactly where I thought he was."

"And is everything okay with the young Mr. Snyder?"

"Yeah, it turns out he left a note at..."

"Did you fuck him?"

"What?" Reid asked, turning toward Greg, taking the beer out of his hand and placing it on the coffee table.  "No!"

"Do you want to fuck him?"

"Greg," Reid said, putting his hand on Greg's arm.  "I wouldn't do that to you."

"That doesn't exactly answer my question now, does it?"  Reid stayed silent.  "Are you still attracted to him?"

Reid shook his head.  "It doesn't matter because I'm with you.  I'm committed to you.  I don't cheat."

"Do you have feelings for him?"

Reid didn't know how to answer that.  "Can we stop with the barrage of questions?"

"Answer me," Greg insisted.

Reid wanted to be honest with Greg.  He did feel something for Luke, but he wasn't sure what that was.  All he knew for certain was that he wanted to shield him from anything bad that might hurt him.   "I feel..........protective of him, but I don't want to be with him, if that's what you're asking.  I'm with you."

"You keep saying that."

"Because it's true!"  Reid felt frustration building inside of him.  "Jesus, Harry...........what do you want from me?"

"Have you kissed him?"

"What?"

"Have.You.Kissed.Him?" Greg enunciated slowly.  "Since he's returned to Oakdale...have your lips touched his?"  Reid closed his eyes.  He felt Greg scoot away from him on the couch.  "Oh my God.  You have."

"He kissed me tonight, but I stopped it."

"Did you kiss him back?" Greg asked.

"I just told you; I stopped it."  Greg huffed out a disbelieving chuckle.  "I kissed him for a few seconds," Reid admitted reluctantly, "but then I stopped it.  And he freaked out and apologized, and that was it.  It won't happen again."

"If I wasn't in the picture, would it have gone further?"

"I don't know."

"How about you be honest with me."

"Shit.  Yeah, okay?  Is that what you really want to hear?  But none of that matters because you are in the picture."

Suddenly, in a quick move, Greg straddled him, and then he was kissing Reid hard, with his tongue practically down his throat. Greg started moving, rolling his pelvis so that his ass ground down in tight circles against Reid's crotch.   He abruptly broke the kiss and panted against Reid's mouth.  "Tell me."  Reid tried to kiss him again, but Greg pulled back and repeated, "Tell me that you're mine."

Reid knew that Greg was drunk.  He probably should have pushed him off his lap and put him in bed to sleep it off, but instead he grabbed two handfuls of Greg's ass and pulled him in hard against his growing erection.  "I'm yours," he said against Greg's parted lips.  He kissed Greg and repeated, "I'm yours," not sure if he was trying to convince Greg or himself.  "I want you."  He kissed him again.  "Inside me.  My mouth.  My ass.  I'm yours."  My heart entered Reid's mind, but he couldn't say it.  He should have said it.  His heart was Greg's, right?  But minutes later, when Greg entered him roughly from behind, as the carpet burned Reid's knees with each of Greg's purposeful thrusts, all he could see was Luke's face.

********************************************************************

The next few weeks went by without incident.  The subject of Luke didn't come up again.  Greg seemed satisfied that Reid wanted to be with him, and if he still had doubts, he didn't voice them further.  For his part, Reid tried to be attentive to Greg's needs, making an extra effort to show him affection, whether it was spontaneous cuddling on the couch, crossing the room to kiss him for no particular reason, or a shoulder massage at the end of the day.  He loved Greg, and it bothered him that maybe he felt less than secure in their relationship.  Yeah, it was true that Luke snuck into his thoughts every now and then, but things had been over between them for a long time, and Reid wasn't interested in revisiting a relationship with him, no matter how much he thought about him.

Reid was walking down a ground-level hallway of Memorial Hospital, reading a chart, when he suddenly ran headlong into someone.  The chart went flying, and the papers that the other person was holding scattered as well.

"Watch the hell where you're going!" Reid bellowed, stooping down to pick up his patient's chart.  When he stood up, he found himself staring into the shocked face of Luke Snyder.  "Oh..."

"Reid!  I'm so sorry," Luke said, crouching and gathering his strewn papers.  "I wasn't paying attention..."

"No.....it's okay.........neither was I."  Reid picked up a few sheets of paper and handed them to Luke.  "How are you?"

"I'm great," Luke said, quickly reorganizing the papers in his hand.  "How are you?" he asked, looking up.

"Me?  Oh.  Yeah, me.  I'm good."  Reid took in the attractive sight of Luke in a pair of jeans, a button down shirt, and a sports coat.  "What are you doing here?"

"I'm meeting with the family of a pediatric cancer patient.  They live in a rural area, and we are going to provide housing for them while they are here for their son's treatments."

"We?"

"The foundation.  I'm doing a little bit of work for them, even though there's a new administrator to run it.  It feels good to be doing something worthwhile again."  Reid nodded.  "Hey, um.....this shouldn't take too long.  Are you free to grab a coffee in the cafeteria when I'm finished?  I want to tell you something."

Reid wondered what it could be.  "Yeah, sure.  Greg's meeting me for lunch a little later, but I have time for coffee."

"Great...meet me in the cafeteria in about forty five minutes?"

"Yeah.  Sounds good."

Luke grabbed Reid's wrist and looked at his watch.  "Oh crap, I gotta book it.  I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay.  Yeah.  See ya."

************************************************************

Reid signaled Luke over to the table when he saw him enter the cafeteria.  Luke approached him, smiling.  "I hope it's okay.  I got your coffee already."  He pointed to the cup on the other side of the table.  "Cream, no sugar."

"Thank you," Luke said, pulling off his sports coat and draping it over the back of his chair.

"How did your meeting go?"

"It went well, but it's such a sad situation.  They have a disabled daughter, and now her little brother has cancer.  It's unfair for one family to be hit with so much, ya know?  It's a lot for the parents to handle."  Reid nodded.  "But we're going to be able to alleviate some of the financial burden, so that will at least make that part easier for them.  Their daughter is so cute.  She hugged me goodbye."

"Kids love you.  You cracked me up that time I went with you to the peds ward.........you were like the pied piper in there with those kids."

"I do enjoy them."

Reid took a sip of his coffee.  "So, what did you want to tell me?"

Luke smiled.  "I'm moving."

Reid suddenly felt like he had a lead weight in his stomach.  "Again?  Did you reconcile with Noah?"

"No!" Luke exclaimed but then looked around and brought his voice down.  "God, no.  I'm, uh.....I'm moving to New York next month."

"New York?"

"Yeah, the Big Apple.  I've already signed a lease on a very small apartment...extrememely small.........it has a fire escape, just like you see in movies...I love that for some reason.......... and I've enrolled in four courses at NYU.  Two of them are writing courses.  I don't know that I'll get a degree, but I want to explore my options.  I already have over two years of classes under my belt, so it wouldn't take me long to finish if I set my mind to it."

"Wow.  Do you know anyone there?"

"Not a soul!" Luke said excitedly.  "I think that's what is most exciting to me.  It'll just be me, in a new city......free to be whomever I want to be."

"All you have to be is yourself."

"I don't even know who that is, so it will be fun to find out."  Luke scratched behind his ear.  Reid loved that particular nervous habit of Luke's.

"I hope you're not trying to isolate yourself."  Reid didn't want to sound like a downer, but he felt worry clawing at his chest.

"Not at all.  I've already contacted an AA group there, and there's a woman who wants to be my sponsor.  I have a consultation appointment to meet my new nephrologist up there, two days after I move, and my therapist here has recommended another therapist in the city and has already contacted her about me."

"It sounds like you've thought of everything."

"Probably not...but I'm really excited about this.  It's time for me to stand on my own and to make some good choices for my future.  My mom is a wreck, saying I'm not ready and that I need to be near her and my dad, but I feel like I need the exact opposite.  I need to be on my own, meeting new people, and doing things that are good for me.  I feel really good about this."

"I'm happy for you," Reid said sincerely, smiling and putting his hand over Luke's on the table.  "You're going to do great."

Luke smiled for a brief second but then pulled his hand away quickly and glanced up and over Reid's left shoulder while clearing his throat.  Reid glanced over his shoulder and saw his boyfriend staring at Luke.  "Greg!  Hey.  I thought we were going to meet at Al's?"

Greg lifted his chin a bit.  "I got away earlier than I expected.  I thought I'd surprise you."

"You did," Reid said, taken back by the awkward chuckle that he heard come from his own throat.  Why was he nervous?  "Sit down."
He put his hand around Greg's wrist.  "Have a seat."

Greg nodded in Luke's direction.  "Luke."

"Hi, Greg," Luke answered, offering an outstretched hand, which Greg shook as he sat down.

Once Greg was seated, an awkward silence hung in the air for a moment, until Reid took a deep breath and said, "Luke was just telling me that he's moving to New York."

"Moving?"  Greg asked.  "How soon?"

Subtle, Reid thought.

"In the next few weeks," Luke replied, catching Reid's eyes.  "Um...ya know what?  I'm running late.  I better get going."  He stood up.  "Greg, it was nice seeing you."  He turned to Reid.  "Reid.........um, bye."

Reid instinctively reached out and grabbed Luke's forearm as he stood up.  "Wait."  He watched Luke glance at Greg and then back to Reid.  He looked unsure.

Reid nodded and let go of Luke's arm.  "If I don't see you, good luck in New York.    Just don't root for those damn Yankees."  Luke laughed.  "And be good to yourself."

Luke smiled, almost sadly.  "I will.  I promise."

Reid nodded.  He felt like he should hug Luke.  Or kiss him goodbye.  Maybe this was it.  He might never see him again.  Instead, he put out his hand, and Luke shook it.  Their eyes met.  Luke said, "Bye, Reid," and then he was walking away.  Reid watched him for a few seconds before sitting back down.  He ran a hand through his hair and met Greg's eyes.  He tried to smile at him but failed.  He knew he was hurting Greg in that moment, but he didn't know how to stop it, so he found Greg's hand under the table and slotted their fingers together without saying anything.  He was relieved to feel Greg squeeze his hand.

"You okay, Doc?"

"Don't," Reid said, shaking his head and sniffing.  "Don't be nice to me.  Don't be cool about this..."

"About what?" Greg asked, smiling weakly, "About you being sad that he's leaving?  What do you want me to do?  Be pissed that you have emotions?  Jesus, Reid.......you feel what you feel."

Reid continued shaking his head, but then he leaned forward and kissed Greg hard on the mouth.  When he pulled back he said, "I'm starving.  Al's?"

"Sure," Greg said, "Al's."

************************************************************

Reid felt the length of a body pressed against his back, teeth biting into his shoulder, and a hand wrapped around his dick.  He pushed back with his ass and felt hardness sliding along his crack.  Reid made a sound that was part sigh and part moan, reaching back and finding hair, tugging gently.  "Luke..."

Everything stopped and Reid's eyes flew open in the early morning light. Greg.  He felt the emptiness in the bed as Greg shifted away from him and rolled out of bed.  Reid rolled over and watched Greg pull on a pair of boxers.  "What the fuck, Reid...?"  The bathroom door slammed shut.

****************************************************************

Reid walked into the apartment and almost tripped over the suitcases by the door.  "What's this?" he asked, stepping toward Greg, who was sitting on the couch.

Greg stood up.  "I'm going to stay with Colin for awhile."

"What are you talking about?..." Reid answered, reaching for Greg, but Greg put his hand on Reid's chest to stop him.  Reid dropped his hands to his sides and looked at Greg with a look of confusion on his face.  "What's..."

Greg raised a hand to stop him.  "School's almost out.  I'm not doing summer classes.   I've booked a flight back home for next week.  I'm going to stay there a few weeks this summer."

"Okay, but why are you moving out?"

Greg took a deep breath and raised his chin.  "I don't want to be someone you settle for."

"What are you talking about?"  Reid asked again.

"I'm worth more than that, Reid."

"Is this about Luke?" Reid asked, truly flummoxed.  "Don't be crazy, that's over.  C'mon, I'll help you unpack these," he said turning, but Greg caught his arm.

"It's not over.  Maybe you think it's over.  Maybe you want to pretend it's over, but Jesus, Reid, anyone with eyes can see that you still have feelings for the guy."

Reid felt anger flare up inside him.  "We were barely even together, and we broke up a year and a half ago.  He left.  It's done."

"Oh, c'mon....please don't insult me by lying to me.  Can you at least give me that much?"

Reid looked down and away before returning his eyes to Greg's.  He put his hands on Greg's upper arms.  "I have not cheated on you, I swear.  Not once."

Greg nodded.  "I know that."

"So then why are you doing this?  Is it because I said his name the other day?  I already told you:  I was half asleep."

"And even when you are sleeping, you're thinking of him."

I'm with you!"

"But your heart is with him."

"Fuck, Greg.  I'm trying, here.  What else do you want from me?"

Greg let out a small chuckle.  "That's the thing though, isn't it?  If I was the one you truly wanted to be with, you wouldn't have to try."

Reid winced, but then he wrapped his arms around his lover and pulled him into his arms.  "Please, don't go."  He brought his hands up to the side's of Greg's face and kissed him.  "I love you."  He could feel the tears in his own eyes, but he blinked them back, determined not to let Greg see him cry.

Greg kissed him hard on the mouth, their tongues sliding together.  When the kiss broke, Greg answered, "I love you too.  That's why I want you to be happy."

"But I am happy," Reid argued.  Greg shook his head.  "I won't see him anymore.  Is that what you want?"

"No, it's not......because it's not what you want.  Be honest.  Do you really want him out of your life?"

"I lived without him for nineteen months......................and for a whole 35 years before I met him.  I can do it again."

"But do you want to do that again?"

"It doesn't even matter," Reid argued.  "He's moving.  He's not going to be an issue."

"Reid, he's always going to be an issue until you make peace with your feelings for him, whether or not they are returned or if they even lead to anything.  I'm not angry.  I know you are not trying to deceive me or to hurt me.  Things are what they are.  Nobody can control their heart."  Reid sighed, not knowing how to respond.  "Walk me out?"

Reid shook his head and pulled Greg into his arms again.  He held him until Greg reciprocated and wrapped his arms around Reid as well.  They silently held each other for a long time.  Finally, Reid stepped back.  "Ya know what's really fucked up?" he asked, wiping at the tear sliding down Greg's cheek.  Greg shook his head but didn't answer.  "We wouldn't even be together if it wasn't for him."

"Because he left?"

"No.........because he opened up something in me that wasn't there before I met him.  When he left, I was screwed up for awhile, but as time passed, I knew it was something I wanted again.  To feel like that.  And I knew it was something I deserved to have again."  He put his hand on Greg's arm.  "And then we met, and it was like, okay, yeah.  I get another shot at this.  It never felt like settling.  It felt right from the start.  Please, believe me."  Greg nodded.  Reid took Greg's hand in his.  "Stay."

Greg put his hand over Reid's and shook his head.  "I can't.  Don't make this more agonizing than it already is.

Reid's bottom lip threatened to wobble, so he bit the inside of his cheek to stop it.  "I'm not going to beg."

Greg kissed his forehead.  "I wouldn't expect you to."

*******************************************

Katie kissed Reid on the cheek as she walked in the door, carrying a brown shopping bag.  She went to the kitchen and began unpacking items from the bag.  "I've got break up food.........and wine," she said holding the bottle over her head.  "Two pints of Ben & Jerry's ..........and I have Thelma and Louise and Bridget Jones' Diary on Blu-ray."

"You do know that I'm not a woman, right?" Reid asked, retrieving spoons from the drawer.

"Of course, silly...that's why I got you this..."  Katie pulled a six pack of Heineken from the bottom of the bag.  "And those gross vinegar chips you like."

"That's more like it.  Thanks, Goldilocks," Reid said as he opened a beer.  He then opened the Cabernet for Katie and poured her a small glass.

"I told Chris I was staying here tonight."

"In that case..."  Reid gulped the small glass of wine down and handed Katie the bottle.  "You can drink out of this."  He picked up his opened bottle of beer and clinked it against the wine bottle.  "Cheers..."  He took a long pull on the beer.  He closed his eyes for a second, feeling the warmth of the alcohol spread in his stomach.  Yeah, he was getting drunk tonight.  Reid handed the pint of Chocolate Therapy to Katie and grabbed the pint of Cherry Garcia for himself.  "What kind of man lets his wife spend the night at another man's house?" he asked facetiously.

"The kind of man who is secure enough in his relationship to let his wife hang out with her homo friend.  However, he doesn't know, nor does he ever need to know, that I crushed on you hard before I knew that you didn't fancy breasts."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better," Reid joked lamely.

"Cut it out," Katie said, swatting his shoulder.  "You knew.  You had to know."

Reid shrugged.  He wasn't buying it, but he'd play along.  "If I liked breasts, I'd choose yours.  I'm not so gay that I can't appreciate the fact that you have a great rack."

"Oh my God.  Shut up," Katie cackled.

Reid picked up two spoons, two extra beers, and the chips and nodded toward the couch.

Once Bridget Jones was in the DVD player, Reid sat on the couch next to Katie and picked the ice cream up off the coffee table, cramming a large spoonful into his mouth.

"Do you want to talk about it?"  Katie asked.

"Not particularly," Reid answered around a mouthful of cream and cherries.

Katie sighed and reached over with her spoon to take some of Reid's icecream.  "I liked Greg."

"Me too," Reid replied, shoving a handful of salt and vinegar chips into his mouth.

Katie grimaced as Reid washed down the chips with beer.  "Any chance he'll reconsider?"

"Doubtful.  He's headed across the pond for the summer anyways, and......."  Reid drew in a deep breath, not knowing how to finish his sentence.  He didn't even want to think about Greg being that far away.

"What about Luke?" Katie asked, sipping wine from the bottle.

"What do you mean?"

"Greg broke up with you because he thought you had unfinished business with Luke, right?  Do you? "

"Have you seen Luke since he's been home?" Reid asked.  "He's all kinds of screwed up.  No.  Do you know what I need?  I need to go back to being an island.  Me.  By myself.  It worked for thirty six years; I can make it work for thirty six more."

"You don't mean that."

"I most certainly do," Reid insisted, looking at the TV.  "Colin Firth.  Now, if he showed up at the door, I might make an exception."

Katie put her head on Reid's shoulder.  "I know.  He's dreamy, isn't he?"

"He's old.  But yeah..."  Katie put her arm around Reid's waist and snuggled in closer.  "What are you doing, Blondie?"

"You're heartbroken.  You need a hug."

Reid rolled his eyes and drank down the rest of his second beer.  He leaned forward and put the empty bottle on the coffee table.  As he sat back, he put his arm around Katie and then rested his cheek against the top of her head.  He felt emotion prickling his eyes, as it had been for the past two days as he'd moped around the empty, silent apartment.  Yeah....ok.  Maybe he did need a hug.  "I'm glad you're here," he said softly and kissed the top of his best friend's head.  "Thanks for hanging out here tonight."

"I always have your back," Katie replied.

Reid smiled sadly.  "I know."

***************************************************************************

"I'm sorry, Reid.  I don't know what to say."

Reid shrugged while sitting next to Luke on the back porch of Lily's house.  He had gone there without calling, his car seemingly having a mind of its own after work.  He'd just wanted to stop by and wish Luke well with his move, as it was now just a couple of weeks away.  That's what he told Luke anyway as he tried unsuccessfully to convince himself of the same.  In reality, he wanted to see Luke.  He'd been thinking about him, and it bothered him that he was thinking about Luke more than Greg, even though he missed Greg terribly.

"There's a small part of me that wishes you hadn't come back," Reid said after a few silent minutes.

Luke nodded, and Reid wished he could take the words back immediately, even if they were true.

"And the other part of you?"

In one quick motion, Reid grabbed Luke's face and brought their mouths together in a deep kiss.  Reid felt Luke's hand on the back of his neck, and he felt his other hand fisting into the front of his button-down shirt.  Luke tasted good and familiar, and he felt warm and solid.  Reid wrapped his arm around Luke's waist to pull him closer, but suddenly Luke was pushing at his chest and pulling away.  "Wait..."  Reid tried to kiss Luke again, his fingers digging into Luke's waist.  "Reid!"

Reid sat back with a sigh and ran a hand through his hair.

"I'm sorry," Luke said, smoothing his shirt.

Reid shook his head.  "There's nothing to be sorry about."

"Oh, God, Reid...I have a lot to be sorry about, but..."  Luke stood and started pacing.  "I wish we could go back and start over...to before I hurt you and to before I made so many bad decisions, but we can't.........and I'm leaving in nine days.  And I know you're lonely right now, Reid.  I know that you're hurting...............because I know you.........you don't let a lot of people in, but when you do.....you fall hard and fast, and you love fiercely.  I know that about you.......so, I know that you're hurting right now.....I know that you miss him.......and I think maybe you miss me too, in the same way that I've missed you......................and it would be so easy for me to wrap my arms around you, take you to bed, and just start over...because I still love you, Reid, I do.  But......I can't be with anyone right now.  I need to be alone.  I need to prove some things to myself.  And it has nothing at all to do with you and everything to do with me.  I can't filter my life through someone else.  I have to be selfish right now.  I have to.  I have to be well, and I don't think I'll ever be well if I can't be on my own."

Reid nodded and stood up.  He rubbed his eyes.  He was so tired of feeling emotional.  Luke was correct, and maybe that's what he needed too...just to be alone.  By himself.  Solitary.  An island, like he'd told Katie.  People left.  It was a hard fact he'd learned early on, and he was suddenly irritated with himself for his inability to remember that unwavering piece of information at times when his heart started having other ideas along the way.  But even with these thoughts running through his head, Reid couldn't help but reach out and touch Luke, to pull him into his arms.  He closed his eyes against the emotion in them and spoke softly against Luke's ear.  "I love you too."

Then he kissed Luke's temple and walked away.