"This depression is so vast, it has its own stars." His soft voice quavering, as he sits beside me, coffee in hand. Familiar grimace from pain- both physical and emotional, on his beloved face.
He is tormenting himself once more and whatever I say will be woefully inadequate. I nod my head, staying silent, allowing him space to elaborate. The valve needs tapping, or he will blow. He is flirting with the abyss; its darkness a siren song of promised oblivion. I prepare to lunge and pull him back from its gaping maw. "My leg is useless today, and I've no strength. I fucking HATE being like this." Anger with himself, rippling outward in waves.
"I've never asked why, or complained about my MS - but what the fuck! Life is... hard... and yeah, I know life is hard for everyone but I'm talking about me for once... " He drifts off and slowly, carefully balancing, rises from the chair.
"Even this. This! When did getting out of a fucking chair become so difficult?" He snaps, voice raw with emotion. "I never wanted any of this for you, baby. I wanted to be your oasis, to be there for you, not this useless piece - "
I cut him off. This is it, my opportunity for bolstering his nearly broken spirit. "I did say for better or worse, you know?" I take his hand, squeezing for emphasis and he nods. "I see you struggling babe. Do you think I'm not paying attention? Please, stop apologizing to me. I know you didn't ask for this. You keep breathing. Ok? We'll take it together, one minute, one step, one day at a time. It's alright."
I know that I do not, and cannot completely comprehend his batttle with MS and its depression. His fears of losing personal autonomy. His waking everyday and not knowing if his legs will carry him from the bed- or if his eyes will function in unison.
How the failures of his body are eroding his pride and dignity; laying waste to any vestiges of self worth. His body has become a cage he can never break free from, and how he rages against this foe he cannot destroy or control."Thanks Baby, I hope you mean that." Sorrow and longing coloring his words.
"Wouldn't say it if I didn't! I love you, you know. I've been stealing your covers and loving you for over thirty years! I'm not about to stop now, no matter how you try to stop me. Got it!"
"Could I ever stop you?" He pulls me up for a hug.
"Nope, never." I tell him, winking saucily as I slip into his embrace. I hear his low-throated chuckle, and know for today, the crisis has been averted.
Silently I curse the words- Multiple Sclerosis.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ve4i4iy-ag&feature=youtu.be***please vote for Team Norbert
Ellakite
Witchwife
cheapdate
All crit is welcome!
