How to put this? My internal Conflict.
WHY!!! This is what I have gotten to in my life. The existence of GOD. I have no doubts about the existence of GOD. I look around at the order of the Universe and I realize the impossibility of this all coming to be , just by happenstance. My discussions with others that tried to convince me that "It's all about the Big Bang". My reply has always been, "Just because it all started with the BIG BANG does not mean that GOD did not light the match"!! I was involved in putting together a model simulation of the creation of the Universe many, many years back. It took a long time to write the code for the simulation because, every time we felt we had covered all the variables, more would pop up because someone on the team would come up with "Well what about"???, So, at one point we decided enough is enough. We started 5 machines running our model. Each machine could run a complete model in about 1.7 hours plus or minus an hour for the inclusion of Chaos Theory which we allowed for in giving the program the ability to, under certain conditions, the ability to ad extra randomization. that is approximately 14,892 complete model simulations in one year. You know how many times we were able to duplicate the Universe we know and live in, in 14892 simulations?BUPKIS not once did we come up with the known Universe in just shy of 15,000 simulations. So, the machines were allowed to run for another 5 years. Now, just so it is understood. This whole study was taken on by a group of friends that were trying to accomplish one thing. Answer if the BIG BANG could have been our creator. We had a pact between ourselves that this was private and none would use the results to further our Academic Standings. Now over the next 5 years, allowing for equipment failure, almost 75,000 simulations were completed. The results were the same. The results were the same. Not once did our model accomplish a complete Universe. Now, the argument would be that our model was flawed. I would say "Yes, that is true". It would be flawed towards the positive because we in no way could account for all the variables in such a model so it should be more likely to produce a positive model than not. One of the reasons we had entered into a pact not to formally publish such results is because, the uncertainty actually could be said to fall either way.
So, the question is WHY!!! Why am I bringing this up now and what is the issue that has caused me to bring it up. February twenty first was the second anniversary of my Wife's death due to her own hand... Last year at this time, it did not hit me as hard as it did this year. Now, this is creates real complications for me. I have a PHD in Divinity. I am an ordained Minister. I have studied the Bible since I was small. I watched my Wife go through the most intense torture due to her illnesses and I have to askWHY! WHY! WHY!!!! I am told that the Bible says that suicide is a MORTAL sin.... YEA, SHOW ME WHERE!!! Now don't try to bring up the part that says your body is a temple to GOD. That is a statement made about a healthy body, not one that has turned against you. Don't even try to tell me that my Wife did things to her body and that is why she was made to suffer. SHE didn't drink,smoke do drugs, or anything else to defile the temple which was her body!!!! I had repeatedly asked GOD to give to me the cup that was hers so I could live the pain and pestilence that was rained down upon her!! Don't even begin to tell me "We can;t begin to understand GOD's plan. Yea, I am sure GOD sat there saying "Now let me see... As a part of my plan, I think I will give this woman Bronchi Actasis and Mainer's Disease and then I will finish it up with, let's see, Hmmmm, Ovarian Cancer... No, I've got it, I will give her Pancreatic Cancer, just to make her suffering complete"!!!!HORSESHIT Now I am told The word of GOD, you can neither add to or take away from"... Well then am I glad that it is " The gospel according to Luke" and "The Gospel according to Mark" and so on... So, at this point let me ask you, "What was Jesus's last name??? "Oh, Please, somebody say Christ"!!! (Buzzer sounds) WRONG!!!!... He was Jesus the Christ, not JESUS Christ!!!
Again, why now? Because I am Mad that the answer to my prayers was NO. You can tell me all you want that I can not question GOD's wisdom... I am not questioning God's wisdom. I am questioning MAN's!!! I hate the Garth Brookes song Sometimes I thank GOD for unanswered Prayers because, Prayers aren't unanswered!!! All too often the answer is NO and then MAN steps in for GOD and FUCKS everything up. Yes I said FUCKS!!!!! With my Wife's body rebelling against her, she did not have the option to terminate her life with dignity. She had to do it in such a way that, I was protected from prosecution and not be given anyone a chance to stop her!!! The people that are making up these rules are the same ones that proclaimed that Catholic Priests can not be married...That, by the way, Was Pope Urban the second because he did not like children around the Vatican.. When a lot of the married Priest's balked at this, he had them flogged, and their wives and children were sold into slavery!!! So, again, why now? I will post more on this. I have to take a break.
Stay
Stay until my tears dry
Stay until I don't know my self
Stay just wait a little
Stay I am my memories' owner
Stay until I send you away
Stay even in my memories
even if it is a little bit of warmth
give it to me,so that I can treasure it
I am already frozen and endlessly cold
if you leave,to me
there is no beauty
I'm already trashed and endlessly dirty
Hey already for a lot of time
you're lingering inside me
now, just think of it as home
even if it is a little bit of warmth
give it to me,so that I can treasure it
I am already frozen and endlessly cold
if you leave,to me
there is no beauty
I'm already trashed and endlessly dirty
Stay inside my dear
Don't you come out my dear
even if it is a little bit of warmth
give it to me,so that I can treasure it
I am already frozen and endlessly cold
if you leave,to me
there is no beauty
I'm already trashed and endlessly dirty
Stay my dear
Stay my dear
Lyrics from the song that has me tied in knots.
So, the question is WHY!!! Why am I bringing this up now and what is the issue that has caused me to bring it up. February twenty first was the second anniversary of my Wife's death due to her own hand... Last year at this time, it did not hit me as hard as it did this year. Now, this is creates real complications for me. I have a PHD in Divinity. I am an ordained Minister. I have studied the Bible since I was small. I watched my Wife go through the most intense torture due to her illnesses and I have to askWHY! WHY! WHY!!!! I am told that the Bible says that suicide is a MORTAL sin.... YEA, SHOW ME WHERE!!! Now don't try to bring up the part that says your body is a temple to GOD. That is a statement made about a healthy body, not one that has turned against you. Don't even try to tell me that my Wife did things to her body and that is why she was made to suffer. SHE didn't drink,smoke do drugs, or anything else to defile the temple which was her body!!!! I had repeatedly asked GOD to give to me the cup that was hers so I could live the pain and pestilence that was rained down upon her!! Don't even begin to tell me "We can;t begin to understand GOD's plan. Yea, I am sure GOD sat there saying "Now let me see... As a part of my plan, I think I will give this woman Bronchi Actasis and Mainer's Disease and then I will finish it up with, let's see, Hmmmm, Ovarian Cancer... No, I've got it, I will give her Pancreatic Cancer, just to make her suffering complete"!!!!HORSESHIT Now I am told The word of GOD, you can neither add to or take away from"... Well then am I glad that it is " The gospel according to Luke" and "The Gospel according to Mark" and so on... So, at this point let me ask you, "What was Jesus's last name??? "Oh, Please, somebody say Christ"!!! (Buzzer sounds) WRONG!!!!... He was Jesus the Christ, not JESUS Christ!!!
Again, why now? Because I am Mad that the answer to my prayers was NO. You can tell me all you want that I can not question GOD's wisdom... I am not questioning God's wisdom. I am questioning MAN's!!! I hate the Garth Brookes song Sometimes I thank GOD for unanswered Prayers because, Prayers aren't unanswered!!! All too often the answer is NO and then MAN steps in for GOD and FUCKS everything up. Yes I said FUCKS!!!!! With my Wife's body rebelling against her, she did not have the option to terminate her life with dignity. She had to do it in such a way that, I was protected from prosecution and not be given anyone a chance to stop her!!! The people that are making up these rules are the same ones that proclaimed that Catholic Priests can not be married...That, by the way, Was Pope Urban the second because he did not like children around the Vatican.. When a lot of the married Priest's balked at this, he had them flogged, and their wives and children were sold into slavery!!! So, again, why now? I will post more on this. I have to take a break.
Stay
Stay until my tears dry
Stay until I don't know my self
Stay just wait a little
Stay I am my memories' owner
Stay until I send you away
Stay even in my memories
even if it is a little bit of warmth
give it to me,so that I can treasure it
I am already frozen and endlessly cold
if you leave,to me
there is no beauty
I'm already trashed and endlessly dirty
Hey already for a lot of time
you're lingering inside me
now, just think of it as home
even if it is a little bit of warmth
give it to me,so that I can treasure it
I am already frozen and endlessly cold
if you leave,to me
there is no beauty
I'm already trashed and endlessly dirty
Stay inside my dear
Don't you come out my dear
even if it is a little bit of warmth
give it to me,so that I can treasure it
I am already frozen and endlessly cold
if you leave,to me
there is no beauty
I'm already trashed and endlessly dirty
Stay my dear
Stay my dear
Lyrics from the song that has me tied in knots.