deathpixie

Every time I take a break from X-Project, this happens. You'd think I'd realise that by now. But yeah. Dead email, except for the ELOD and Sam. Good to know I'm only worth talking to when I can do something for you.

Like a lot of my friends, I'm a fan of a webcomic/blog called Hyperbole and a Half by a woman called Allie Brosh. She's been pretty quiet for a while now (about a year and a half, in fact) and today she posted the reason why in this post.

You ever have a moment when you read something and realise it's like reading the inside of your brain? Allie's experience with depression - and especially her suicidal feelings - were scarily close to mine. It hurts, reading it, but it also helps, since here is someone who is able to explain what I've never been able to.

I still feel guilty about being depressed. Because I know what a burden I was to my friends and I know how frustrating it was for them to watch me sink deeper and deeper into hopelessness. I know, because I've been in the reverse position myself, with my ex. You'd think it would have helped when it was my turn, but it really didn't, and now I'm reluctant to talk about the depression with most but a very few people. I feel like I've leeched all the understanding and compassion I deserve, when people were trying to fill the great black hole of nothing that was the depression at its worst:

And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something — it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

I'm sorry I couldn't respond to help, that I couldn't talk out what was bothering me and feel better. I did talk stuff out - over and over - but all it did was make me feel worse because isn't talking meant to make you feel better, and all it did for me was highlight just how depressed and hopeless I was. And eventually, I got to the place Allie describes frighteningly well:

...I somehow managed to convince myself that everything was still under my control right up until I noticed myself wishing that nothing loved me so I wouldn't feel obligated to keep existing... there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise.

I never wanted to kill myself. I just wanted to be dead. I wanted to stop. Everything. I pushed everyone away so I could tell myself it would be all right to kill myself, because no-one cared any way. And ironically, it was the fact my parents were visiting that made me not do it. I didn't want to spoil their first trip overseas together.

Yeah. Depressed brains totally make no sense.

It took dexfarkin basically threatening to hate me forever if I did something stupid that got me to the doctor and the meds which, frankly, saved my life. They lifted the blanket long enough for some light to creep back in, and gave me perspective again.

These days, I'm mostly doing better. I have bad times, usually when I'm having PMS and it feels like everything is likely to make me feel like crap and that I can't do anything right. I have moments where I just wish I could stay in bed with the blankets pulled over my head and disappear forever - at the same time all I want is for someone to notice I'm not doing so well and take care of me and let me cuddle with them on the sofa. I have little to no interest in sex for about three years now. I over-compensate sometimes, trying to be the life of the group, to somehow make up for the fact I was such an enormous downer. That usually results in being an arse. *sighs* I have trouble getting enthusiastic for the things that used to excite me, much like Allie's metaphor of a child outgrowing their toys: school is the first thing in three years I've been excited about for an extended time, and I'm clinging to that while I have it. Things are getting better, step by step.

Normally I'd hide this behind a filter, mostly so I don't bore people. Not this time, tho'. Perhaps I'm just looking for attention. Who knows.

I want to be able to do this, this year. No more being worried about what might happen or if I might get hurt. Time to be brave and to find joy.

Originally posted by officialgaiman at My New Year's Wish...

No, I wouldn't.

It might seem a bit weird, coming from me, considering I've moved across the globe to live in another country. But I didn't do it for someone I loved. I did it for me. I did it because I needed to make a change, because I wanted to try living in the place that had become a second home to me. I did it because I could.

Love should not be the only reason you uproot your life and move. Because love is, unfortunately, not always rock solid. Love doesn't always last. And unless you have the resources to take care of yourself in a strange place, you could wind up in a really bad way.

It's not selfish to take care of yourself, even in love. Make sure you've got something as a back up, in case something goes wrong, and be sure you're making the decision for you, not because someone else wants you to or you feel it's what you should do. If there's any doubt, talk it out with your loved one. Don't wait until you've done something irrevocable before discovering it's not what you want after all.

Day 19 – Something you regret

After the Great Wollongong disaster, which was when my ex got a job interstate, we moved, and he then lost said job after three months, we lived with his parents for a time while we worked on reestablishing ourselves and finding a place to live. During that time, he broached the idea of breaking up with me, trying to explain a lot of the things he later did break up with me for, five years later.

I talked him out of it.

I regret that now and I think I probably always will. Those last five years of our relationship were the worst and if I'd realised sooner that it wasn't working, I wouldn't have gone through the crap I did. I would've been single five years earlier, in a much better financial position and in Melbourne, rather than Wodonga. A lot of things would have been different.

I thought we could work it out, that if we loved each other, things would be okay, that I could do better. Instead, I wasted five years of my life with someone who was already looking for an exit. It's hard not to kick myself for that.


Day 20 – This month

Hooray for spring. I don't know whether it's the increase in my meds or the changing weather or a bit of both, but I'm definitely feeling better these days. Well, aside from the sinus issues from hell - I feel like I have a crew of tiny miners using jackhammers in my face. But things are definitely better.


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So I took the Pierly-Redford Disassociative Affect Diagnostic test. Weird, weird test, that one. Which makes it harder to predict. The answers were kind of annoyingly correct.

Blustering through the world with the finesse of a thunderstorm, you are a natural leader, a creator of consensus. You will often plan out the future in deliberate and at times frustrating detail. This ability to create and to plan is sometimes expressed as a facility for the telling of tall tales.Your friends often find themselves assigned tasks or roles within the group. This can be very useful when action is called for and equally annoying when the idea at hand is rest and relaxation. When challenged, however, you can become cold and argumentative. Your understanding of the world is deliberate and well thought out. Your emotion comes in two varieties, either restrained and sincere, or else melodramatic and loud and usually inauthentic. Affection for you is best expressed through action, by doing things for the people you care about. This need to always be proactive can lead you to feel that there is no end to the trouble in your life.


The moral of this story? Stop organising so much. *wry* Like I haven't heard that one before.

Also, my sinuses feel like they're going to cave in or explode. I really wish the weather would settle down so I can resume normal life.

Day 02 - Your first love

At one point, while I was seeing the World's Worst Psychotherapist, she went on vacation for a couple of weeks and I saw her back-up. On our first visit, we talked for a bit, and then he asked me, completely out of the blue: "How old were you when you first fell in love?"*

I was thirteen and in my second year of high school, the year things started going bad. His name was Michael. He had curly dark brown hair and clear blue eyes and a smattering of freckles over tanned skin. He was stocky - broad shouldered and not overly tall - and the other boys called him "Podge". And he, out of everyone in my class, was the only one who didn't make my life hell. He was sweet and kind and funny and I adored him. For his part, he wasn't really aware I was there, except as a friend. Then again, he wasn't really interested in any of the girls.

Are we sensing a trend here?

I carried that torch for Michael all through high school. In Year 11, I summoned up the courage to ask him to be my partner for our debutante ball (it's a country thing, don't ask), and beyond all my expectations, he said yes. I remember one night at practice, we both had the interview for the Rotary Club's exchange program afterwards, and both of us were shaking and laughing about it. He got the exchange, but the Rotary Club offered me a consolation prize of a year in Japan with another group, coincidentally the same country Michael wound up going to. I don't know what made me happier, knowing I was spending a year in a foreign country or knowing that Michael would still be in my year level when I got back. We wrote to each other during that year, sharing experiences and issues and we became actual friends, something that continued through to our last year of school.

I still wonder what happened to him. He applied for the Air Force, but failed the asthma test on the second-last level (they hit you with histamines of increasing levels to see if you'll have an attack. He did with one left to go) and it devestated him - the Air Force had been his dream all through high school. The last I heard about him was that he had trained as an ambulance driver. I google him sometimes, but his name's almost as common as mine, so it hasn't been terribly productive. But I'll always remember his smile and the way he was with people, comfortable and soothing, and I wish him all the best, wherever he is.

*And yes, my concept of love and relationships is very much coloured by the fact I had an unrequited crush on the nicest boy in school for six years. I am literally a hopeless romantic.

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Thirty Days, Thirty Themes. Lets see how this goes. :) Grabbed from a number of folks on my friendslist.

Day 01 - Introduce Yourself

My online handle is Rossi, a name I've been using since 1996 and a summer spent in Iowa at a girl scout summer camp. I've been answering to it for so long, it's second nature - some people actually think it's my real name.

My real name is Joanne - I prefer Jo, pretty much all of the time. I'm Australian, but I've been living in Canada since October 2005. I'm... well, older than most of my friends and older than I look, although these days I'm starting to feel it. I was born at an Army base in Victoria, Australia, back in 1970, and I have one brother who is 18 months younger than me. He's married to an ex-pat Hungarian girl called Eva and they have a daughter, Zoe and another baby due in August. Zoe's demanding a little sister, by the way. My parents are still married, having been together now for 41 years - more about them in a couple of days.

I've been working in the public service sector for around 15 years now - ten in Australia in the courts as a court registrar, and five here in Canada as a legal assistant. It's good work, for the most part, although lately I find myself questioning why I do it - I've spent a large chunk of my life taking care of other people, in one way or another, and I'm wondering if it's not time I looked at something a little more... selfish, I suppose. Then again, moving across the globe to restart your life is pretty selfish, when you get down to it.

So, that's where I'm from, what I do. Who am I? Well, it depends on the day, really. On good days I'm creative, funny, intelligent, caring. On bad days I'm depressed, procrastinating, afraid, forgetful and self-absorbed. I have periods of more good days than bad, and periods of more bad days than good. I'm working on improving the ratio and dealing with the detritus you collect in forty years of avoiding your problems. It's hard, and sometimes I just wish I could flop in a heap and have someone fix everything for me, but I am making progress. There are days I'm quite content to be me.


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Tomorrow is another day and a clean slate. Bed for me now since I have to be at work early for Jane and therapy tonight kind of wiped me out.

Being alone when I don't want to be.

Yeah, I know, it's not as exciting as spiders or snakes or sharks or whatever, but this is my deepest darkest fear. That one day I'll turn around and find I've lost all my friends and that I'm alone. That I'll live out the rest of my life by myself and die unmourned and unremarked.

Like most fears, it's irrational. I mean, I have friends, good friends, ones who aren't about to abandon me. But the fear's still there and when I have my bad days, it's what comes up to the top of my mind. That I'm unloveable, unlikable and people only put up with me because I'm useful and do stuff for them.

I don't deal well with rejection, real or perceived. I never have, because of my fear. So every rejection is an exercise in trying to overcome my fear, because rejection is a part of our lives. Not everyone is going to like us for all time, after all, and even the best of friends have days where they're short with each other. Even the most academic of rejections, the ones that are in no way personal, hurt badly, because I can't but help take them personally. Which really isn't helpful because it opens me up to the whole "you're overreacting and taking things personally when you shouldn't" criticism, and I feel even worse.

Any way, I'm trying to deal with it. That's what therapy is about these days. Dealing with the fear so I don't lead with it, so to speak. It's very slow going, but hopefully one day I'll make it.

Day five ahoy. Because what I need is a meme where I get to beat myself up for various mistakes.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot to you (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn-offs.
Day Eight: Three turn-ons.
Day Nine: Two images that describe your life right now, and why.
Day Ten: One confession.

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So, I saw the above ad in the bus stop on the corner of where I work, as I was heading out for lunch. I can't even begin to describe the levels of FAIL encapsulated here:

1) The slogan: "It sucks to be alone". Why, yes, thank you for alienating and demoralising those of us without a significant other in our lives. We hadn't noticed that being alone when you don't want to be is a crappy feeling to have. Wow, I must go out and ignore my emotional health for the sake of being IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW!

2) Love=material goods. Buy her love with a tacky piece of jewellery! Better yet, blackmail her into staying with you by buying her a ring. She has to stay with you now you've gotten her the bling! And girls, don't forget to demand the most expensive one so he proves his love for you!

3) The message that any relationship, even a crappy one, is better than being alone. Possibly I'm projecting here, but there's a good reason why I've been single for so long - I didn't trust myself not to get into another bad relationship at first and now I'm not wanting to fall headlong into another until I'm sure I can love me first - relationships aren't crutches and it's not fair to the other person to use them that way. So I don't appreciate being told that doing the right thing for me is something sucky. It's hard enough dealing with society's general assumption that if you're not in a relationship at my age a) there's something wrong with you and b) I'm 'running out of time' and will end up dying alone and unmourned, without bus ads rubbing it in my face.

To sum up? Bite me, Spence Diamonds. I'll be looking for some kind of contact email for you and telling you so directly.

Nightmares last night/this morning. Awful dreams about criminals and torturing people for information and executions and shootouts and all the rest. And with my whole body-swapping tendency in dreams, I got to experience it from all directions. Being the torturer... *shudders* Ugh.

Needless to say I woke up tired, but had to go to French this morning at 9:00, so no snooze button for me. As it was, I only just made it five minutes late and sans coffee/breakfast. An hour and a half of brain work on no sustenance is hard.

I had a day off yesterday, being a government type who gets Remembrance Day off. Today is dead quiet, with most of the staff taking a long weekend it seems, and it's chilly in the office due to the heating being off yesterday - it takes hours to heat the place up again so there is definite need for my emergency sweater that I keep in my filing drawer. I also got a hair cut yesterday, with my bangs coming back after months of hair in my face or brushed to the side so my forehead was the most prominent feature (I have a big forehead and when I don't have bangs, I tend to look like an egg with a toupee).

Kind of melancholy today. I was hoping it was just the lack of breakfast, but I've eaten and had my coffee and I'm still a bit meh. It's probably the bad sleep - one of the things I've learned in the past couple of years is that the depression is really susceptible to things like lack of sleep and low blood sugar and lack of sunlight. I can (and do) still get depressed for no apparent reason, but most of the time these days it's either to do with my physical state, or some kind of emotional turmoil. Both of which I'm getting much better at recognising and dealing with, or at least not giving more weight than they deserve (i.e., obsessing about my woes until they become all-consuming).

I guess I'm feeling a bit lonely. Money's been tight again, so I've been avoiding going out, which means I don't see anyone. The roomie's been working insane hours lately - I've seen him once since Wednesday - so I've been having a lot of solo evenings (although ferox came down last night and watched Avatar: The Last Airbender with me and we talked about her job stuffs, which was nice). I'm also stuck on my nano_wrimo for yesterday, so I'm behind again, which is annoying.

I bit the bullet and refriended some folks I defriended a while ago after the whole XP mess, which is nerve wracking as I still don't know what to say or what they might say to me. And I handed in my resignation from the XP modship, to take effect at the end of the year. So I guess I'm a bit worried about losing my... relevancy? Back to the old issue of worrying about people ignoring me if they don't actually need me for anything, I guess.

None of which is huge OMG drama, nor is it plunging me into the depths of despair (I don't get that as much any more, thank everything that might be responsible!), but it is contributing to a general feeling of "meh". Sandra the therapist has taught me how to focus on things and work my way through the emotional blah, so I'll try that - it's really quiet here today - and I'm sure I'll be fine by the time I get home and find a indiana_j on the couch. :)

My first LJ post was March 11, 2001. I'd only started the journal because everyone else I knew, it seemed, had one, and it was slowly replacing email as a means of contact. Reading back on it... I was so naive. I believed that you could end a twelve-year-long relationship amicably, that we could continue living together without hating each other. That I would have the brain power to actually get myself together and try and write something publishable. *wry* Part of me looks back at that first entry and is amazed at how young I sound - only eight years ago. So much has gone on since then.

“Criticism is always useful. When it’s constructive it tells me about my work. When it’s destructive it tells me about the critic.”

Found here on warren_ellis

Had my counselling session today, after the work Christmas party. I confronted her about the needing structure - she promptly whipped out the checklist of cognitive distortions, the ten ways to untwist your thinking, and the thought record sheet, plus said she thought Cognitive Behaviour Therapy would be good for me. *wry* I have another session in two weeks, a handy Google spreadsheet for my thought record, and my first entry. I'm drained, exhausted and ready to be unconscious for about twelve hours, but... I feel more hopeful than I have for a long while. This is progress.

I'm not expecting this to be the cure-all - I'm going to work on my eating habits, increase the fish in my diet and eat more fresh veggies and less pasta, plus probably lay off drinking for a week or two to detox myself before Christmas/New Year, as well as the Vitamin D supplements for the seasonal blues - but it's a start and I'll see how it goes. If the counsellor thinks it's necessary after the next few visits, I'll make that appointment with the doctor about the possibility of medication and do what I'm told, but she agrees with me that it's best to try this first.

Apologies to everyone who's been weathering the worst of my negative thinking lately. I know I haven't been fair on people, and I'm working on it. qbmuses, thanks for the phone call - I used what set me off as my first thought record, and I think it's helped.

Now I'm going to finish my mint tea and go to bed. nute, I'll call you tomorrow sometime, yeah?

Just got back from counselling and I'm wiped. Chasing my tail in circles does that to me. I'm also about to have people over for movie night, so I'm not going to be online tonight and a good chunk of tomorrow, which will be spent collecting free stuff at Lifefest.

Try not to need me in the meantime.

The Good:

1) Had myself that largely non-social week, including the weekend. Got a lot done in terms of XP, got my guitar fixed, just chilled and tried to unwind a bit.

2) Little to no drinking for the last week and a half.

3) Tapas on Sunday. So good.

4) Resolved some outstanding issues with the Date Boy. I have a new friend.

5) Survived Hurricane Jane this morning and managed to get the last of the expenses stuff for both my lawyers done.

6) About to go get dinner with the Roomie. Been having a lot of quality time lately.

The Bad:

1) Sinus pain. We've gone from temperatures in the minus variety to close to 20C. With the accompanying barometric changes that mean your sinuses try to implode. New experience I could do without. :P

2) Crashing immune system. Two coldsores last week, of the nasty weeping variety, general bone-weariness and aching neck and shoulders. I'm feeling generally blah.

3) Resolved some outstanding issues with the Date Boy. There will be no more dates.

4) Didn't get half the stuff done I wanted to - still haven't gotten that hair cut, still haven't cleaned the apartment, still haven't been practicing guitar.

5) Still feeling stressed. It's getting to the point I'm grinding my teeth while I'm awake, and I've actually pulled something in my jaw by the feel of it. :( Not sure how to fix this.


The Undecided.

1) Counselling session this Friday.

2) I've been sliding into "must make myself useful" mode a bit because I'm feeling ignored. Good that I've noticed it, not so good that I'm doing it. When I don't feel wanted, I aim for needed instead, which means burnout. :(

Given I've had a gruelling therapy session where I used half a box of the counsellor's tissues, I am taking her advice/instruction and going easy on myself. In this case it means treating myself to way too much sushi, having a long hot shower and now I'm about to head out the door to join Mindy and her friend Greg for a couple of drinks at the usual place.

You're just going to have to manage without me for the evening. ;)

And XP people? For the love of everything, _communicate_ with each other. I do not want to see another email of complaint because someone didn't check something with the plot runner/mods/general populace who might be effected before posting. And this isn't Rossi-the-Mod speaking, this is Rossi the very tired and wrung out person who wants to take the night off and not have five more things tacked onto the giant To Do List Of Doom by morning.

Okay? Okay. *flops*

Toronto is in the grip of a pretty major ice storm right now - driving snow, high winds, ice rattling against the windows... yep, winter is back with a vengeance. I did, however, make it home okay, despite some concerns about the trains being cancelled.

Today has been... a very long day. In all terms of the word. I'll be glad when the week's over. Counselling tomorrow. The counsellor may be cranky at me, given the backsliding I've been doing this week.

Normally I think of Valentine's Day as Break Up Day, given my relationship with KiwiNuts ended around the second week of February, 2001. There's bitterness, moping and general blah.

This year, I'm wanting to break that pattern. So, while I'm still considering the speed-dating party on the day itself (vaguely terrifying thought, dropping myself into a large room full of other single people), I am at least going to mark it with something ego-boosting. So, cute little meme-thing, ganked from minisinoo:


Get your own valentinr

You do have to sign in, but since it doesn't ask for an email addy, there's no spam factor. :)

The session went okay. First session, lots of rehashing of everything in my life. Which left little time for actual addressing, beyond the usual sort of pep talk I get from my friends. *wry* Yes, you've all been right all along and I'm a dope. I made another appointment for two weeks, came home, cried through a shower and then curled up on the couch in my pyjamas watching West Wing with the roomie. I'm okay. Not great, but okay. I've taken that first step, at least.

We'll see how it goes.

Apologies for not answering any personal email after a certain point today - I just haven't been in the best frame of mind for talking about problems. Mine or anyone else's.

So far, I have:

* Put together most of the disclosure pack for Mrs. Gnish's lawyer.

* Met Paula out the front of the building and obtained Judge's Order that was signed this morning.

* Faxed said JO to the appropriate people and emailed same to tell them to check their fax machines.

* Arranged a courier to deliver original JO to the appropriate prison.

I? Rule.

***

In less "I rule" news, I spent the night dreaming of zombies again. I'm thinking it's something to do with issues that aren't as dead as they're supposed to be and are proving difficult to kill.

I also seem to be getting sick - I'm still tired, even after sleeping (reasonably) heavily (if you ignore the zombies), I ache and I'm hot, and my throat is scratchy. So, whichever of you plague bearers infected me at Matt's. I'm pouting at you now. I can't afford any more time off, so to work sick it is. :P

So, apparently my subconscious was a little anxious about the counselling thing, and insisted on making me think my appointment was this week, despite the fact it's in my calendar for next week. Which was actually the correct date, and not a mistake like I thought it was. *rolls eyes* So yeah, no counselling for me today. Always counselling next Wednesday. And after all that psyching myself up I've been doing today. Bah.

At least I know where it is now?

Disclaimer: This isn't aimed at anyone specific. Yes, some of this arises out of actual incidents, but it's more a general reflection on things than an accusatory "you suck because you didn't thank me for the Christmas card I sent!" post. A reminder, maybe, given it's That Time and there's a lot of gestures going on? We're all busy, we're all stressed and we all forget sometimes. Including me. I just thought I'd bring stuff to people's minds.

It's strange, but after years of hanging out with fanficcers, I've realised something. There's this perception that being polite, that adhering to those small social rules and mores known as manners, is somehow weak, dishonest or conformist. Which is actually pretty dumb, since, when you think about it, manners are a really big part of establishing connections with people, of showing you care about and respect others.

For example. Someone sends you something. It's usual to say "thank you" when this happens, but I've had more than one instance where I haven't heard squat, leaving me to wonder if a) they even got the thing I sent or b) whether they hate it like cancer and it's currently languishing in the bottom of the trash or being used as a dartboard. It's not until I've asked if it turned up that I get a response. And I know people are busy, and forgetful and just plain lazy sometimes. But think about it this way. It takes less than five minutes to send an email, to post an LJ entry. That's all. And those five minutes, those two words - "thank you" - are more than an empty social nicety. It's acknowledging the effort your friend made in picking out the gift, in sending it to you. It's letting them know that you appreciate the effort on your behalf. It's establishing a connection, letting them know that they aren't working in a vacuum. It's valuing another person, and believe me, it's that which helps cement a friendship.

The thing is, people need people. We're social animals, we're conditioned and trained and even genetically wired to seek out the company of others. On an emotional level, we need to know we're not alone, that we're important at least to one other person, that someone would care if we up and died tomorrow. Without that, we shrivel up and die. But the thing is, it's not a one-way street. In order to get that acknowledgement, that value, you need to give it. You need to make those small gestures, those social niceties, that give other people the impression you're acknowledging their existence. Thanking someone for something they've done, saying "hello" to the person who answers the phone, even if it's not the person you're wanting to speak to, using people's names, holding the door open for the person behind you. All small stuff, nothing that takes effort, but it makes a huge difference in the way people react to you and how they deal with you. People hate being taken for granted, and the casual rudeness I see around me sometimes is precisely that.

Maybe this is Bleeding Obvious Gal striking again. Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. But I'll tell you this - nothing is as guaranteed to make me grumpy and hostile as someone I know treating me like a secretary and asking for someone else without even saying 'hi'.

Just a thought.

It's weird how much tidying things up, throwing out crap, putting the stuff I want to keep in particular boxes... all the stuff that goes towards packing up your life and moving it, it's funny how I actually find it soothing, but I do. Of course, it doesn't take a genius psychoanalyst and a comfy-yet-expensive couch to tell you that I'm projecting - by tidying up my life physically, I'm doing the same mentally, or some other psuedo-intellectual gumf. *grins*

But yeah, made huge progress on probably the most problematic area - my desk. It's where I dump all the stuff I can't be bothered finding another place for: paperwork, cards, notebooks with bits of fic in them, address books (yes, plural - I've found three so far, all outdated), photos, stress toys, stationery, computer disks... I've been pretty ruthless and tossed out a heap of stuff, found my work references and a printed version of the CV (must remember to send the most recent version I have at work to this computer...), did the scary diary readback ( and oh my god where the last entries bad - I haven't written in it since 2003, which was not a good year), and discovered I can play a bunch of VCDs mellanmouse did for me ages ago, which means all sorts of goodies. And oodles of new music, too - I turned off the TV so I could play that instead.

So, yeah, feeling all achieve-y and progressive and the rest. :) There's still some more to do along the lines of finding specific papers and putting away others in the Important Documents Box (it's even labelled that way. Yes, I label boxes - makes it easier to find stuff later), but I got distracted by the music and remembering I need to burn copies of the Lamb CD I bought in Sydney for Phil and possibly Bounce. I wasn't going to get back online, only there was a thank you email to write.

Also, it's a good idea to break up the purging, otherwise I get into this whole "away with everything!" vibe and end up throwing out stuff I really shouldn't. Again with the getting psychologically involved in the packing process. *wry* As it is I won't empty the recycling box for a couple of days, and make sure I haven't been silly with the paperwork disposal. There's some work stuff I can get rid of, but not yet - it'll have to wait until I actually leave work.

Speaking of work, looks like I'll be starting the six weeks 'leave' from the back office on August 29. It's not actual leave, unless I want to take it and I have the time accrued (which I do, but that's for Canada), but basically in order to ensure our sanity and reset out sleeping patterns, we get six weeks back on regular nine-to-five, five days a week. Which will be odd, I can tell you. So I'd better make the most of the four days off while I still have them. And since it's six weeks, if I've calculated correctly there's only a week between that ending and my leaving, which doesn't make a lot of sense work-wise - better to have my replacement start then. So, looks like only a few more weeks of those lovely penalty rates, and one more batch of nights, if I've worked it out properly.

It also means GASP *the Great Australian Slumber Party) can happen on a normal weekend, although I might have to call in sick on the Monday since I don't have any rec leave left. Basically, a shout out to any of the Aussie ficcers who read this. If you can be in Melbourne the weekend of September 9-12 (that's including the Friday and Monday), there's going to be the Last GASP at my humble abode in St Kilda. Let me know if you're coming, since I think there will have to be arranging for someone to bring mattresses (seraangel, can you bring your inflatable one?) etc. Overflow can always doss at philf's place, since it's only ten minutes' normal person's walking speed away. Five if you're Phil or me fast. ;)

This will be my last hurrah (barring a party at Chez Howard in Wodonga in October), so I'd like to see as many people as possible. Drop a comment to let me know if you're interested.

There will also be a box of books and CDs and stuff, available for plundering. You don't have to take everything, since I'll sell what's left on eBay, but leave some space in your bags. Certain people have already be assigned specific things. ;)

I'm starting night shift tonight, which means two days of not a hell of a lot of anything useful besides work and sleep, so today I started the Grand Packing. Or rather, the unpacking of a couple of boxes I hadn't unpacked since I moved in, and the throwing out of useless crap (1), the shuffling of certain types of keepsakes into the Trunk of Travelling (2), and the repacking, such as it can be done without other items to fill out the awkward spaces in the boxes. The desk is next - I need to go through it and dump anything that I don't need, find various important papers, like my birth certificate (don't panic, Dad, I do know where it is, just need to sit down and go through the file - I'm a Howard, remember? We rarely lose stuff. ;) ) to add the Canada Folder, collect together the bits and pieces that will go towards the first box to be mailed (okay, there's some things that aren't critical that I still want, so I'm posting them surface mail), and give it a good wipe down before the dust bunnies evolve and stage a revolution.

I also did my ironing, finally, so I have work shirts to wear, and burned a couple of CDs for _bounce_ (3) in return for the loan of AppleWorks. Which installed fine, btw. Oh Bounce-girl, I also have a book of fairy tales I unearthed in my travels today. After seeing your post, I thought you might be interested. It's called Fairy Tale From Many Lands and has some nifty non-standard ones in there, iirc. And the illustration style might interest you, too.

There was also some mental reorganising, and one of those epiphanies you have in the middle of mundane things. Like the ironing. I've realised I need to keep working on that whole mental habits thing. There may be a post later, one of those "thinking out loud" ones I do. There was a reminder that sometimes people aren't what you think they are. I hate it when thinking the best of people bites you in the arse.

Off to work soonish. Think I'll head down a little early, stop by the chemist on the way and get a script filled, remind myself of what fresh air is after a week of flu and couch malingering. The flu's much better, btw. Constitution like a horse, me - I had to remind Mum it's been... months, if not a year since the last time I got sick in a way that didn't involve beer and philf. ;)

***

(1) You know the sort of thing - you look at it and go "Why the hell did I ever keep this?" to yourself. Or remind yourself that as much as you love them, floral patterned vests will never be fashionable ever again. The Eighties are dead, kiddo.

(2) I have an old metal Army trunk that belonged to Dad in his early days of service. It's full of stuff from various trips - Japan, mostly, back when I was an exchange student for a year, but also my summer camp time in Iowa, a couple of bits and pieces from Vietnam (too broke then to indulge in true souvenier collecting) and the Walkabout diaries, which may one day turn into a written account. Or not. It also has some of my stories from back in high school, various bits of family crystal that I inherited, and other things I want to keep safe inside a large, dry metal box.

Edit: (3) Whose birthday it is apparently today. Gah. Sorry, mate. Although hey, looks like my subconscious remembered even if I didn't, considering I picked today to remember to do stuff re you. ;)