THE ASSERTIVENESS WORKBOOK How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships Randy J. Paterson, Ph.D.Publisher's Note ‘This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard fo the subject matter covered, It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psy- chological, financial, legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books Copyright © 2000 by Randy J. Paterson New Harbinger Publications, Ine. 5674 Shattuck Avenue Oakland, CA 94609 Cover design by SHELBY DESIGNS & ILLUSTRATIONS Edited by Jueli Gastwirth ‘Text design by Tracy Marie Powell Library of Congress Card Catalog Number: 00-134792 All Rights Reserved New Harbinger Publications’ website address: www.newharbinger.comFor GeoffCONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS INTRODUCTION BEING THERE CHAPTER CHAPTER CHAPTER CHAPTER CHAPTER CHAPTER CHAPTER CHAPTER CHAPTER PART ONE UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVENESS WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS? OVERCOMING THE STRESS BARRIER OVERCOMING THE SOCIAL BARRIER OVERCOMING THE BELIEF BARRIER REALITY CHECK ON THE LAUNCHPAD: PREPARING FOR CHANGE PART TWO BECOMING ASSERTIVE BECOMING VISIBLE: NONVERBAL BEHAVIOR BEING PRESENT: GIVING YOUR OPINION TAKING THE GOOD: RECEIVING POSITIVE FEEDBACK vu " 29 43 53 63 1 83 97 105CHAPTER 10 CHAPTER 11 CHAPTER 12 CHAPTER 13 CHAPTER 14 CHAPTER 15 CHAPTER 16 POSTSCRIPT vi The Assertiveness Workbook GIVING HELPFUL POSITIVE FEEDBACK TAKING THE VALUABLE: RECEIVING NEGATIVE FEEDBACK CONSTRUCTIVE, NOT CRITICAL: GIVING CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK THE ASSERTIVE “NO” MAKING REQUESTS WITHOUT CONTROLLING OTHERS, COUNTDOWN TO CONFRONTATION CONSTRUCTIVE CONFRONTATION BEING YOU ANNOTATED RESOURCE LIST ASSERTIVENESS SCORECARDS 113 424 137 149 159 169 181 197 199 203ACKNOWLEDGMENTS This workbook is based, in part, on a group assertiveness training program, entitled “Being There,” that was developed for the Changeways Program at Vancouver Hospital and Health Sciences Centre in Vancouver, British Colum- bia. Many people were involved in the development of this program and deserve thanks. Rosanne Worny participated in client recruitment and assess- ment and has assisted in the development of the program from its inception. Shelley van Etten, Martin Carroll, and Lindsey Jack all provided invaluable feedback on the program and helped structure some of the exercises that have found their way into this workbook. Elizabeth Eakin assisted on the clerical side with the preparation of materials—and by keeping us all organized. Merv Gilbert at Vancouver Hospital has been extremely supportive of the Changeways program and of my work generally. To him, my thanks. I would also like to thank Bill Newby and Richard W. J. Neufeld for their strong, val- ued, and lasting impact on my career and my work. Jueli Gastwirth at New Harbinger Publications provided invaluable feedback in the preparation of this book, for which T am very grateful. Finally, our clients at Changeways have assisted immeasurably through their participation in early versions of the program, tolerance for the challenges of program development, feedback about exercises and material that worked and did not work, support for the project, and inspiration and anecdotes. This manual could not have been written without their help.INTRODUCTION BEING THERE Two kinds of people pick up books on assertiveness. Some want to polish their image. They have a face they present to the world, and sometimes it cracks Sometimes the mask falls off. Sometimes people see through it. They want to earn how to hold the mask more firmly, how to present it more rigidly, how to prevent others from seeing them so easily. They have rejected themselves, and they have decided that they want to preserve the personality (or lack of it) that they display to the world. Often they want to learn how to control others more effectively. How to push others to agree with them, see their way of doing things, do it their way. ‘Some of the skills in this book may help these people in their quest. But the book isn’t written for them, At least, it’s not written to help them in the way they want to be helped. Assertiveness isn’t about building a good disguise. It’s about developing the courage to take the disguise off. It’s designed to help the other group of people. The ones who have already tried wearing a mask and have found they can’t breathe very well with it on. They want to go out into the world naked: faced, as themselves, but not defenseless. They want to be themselves in a way that doesn’t push others off-stage. In a way that invites the people they meet to be more fully themselves too. Assertiveness, then, is about being there. Many people in today’s society fear conflict and criticism. They believe that in any conflict they would lose and that any criticism would crush them. They feel that they have no right to impose their views—or for that matter, themselves—on the world. They have been trained from childhood to believe that their role is to accept and live up to the standards that other people impose. Being visible, being flawed, holding opinions, or having wishes of their own all leave them open to attack.2 The Assertiveness Workbook Is this you? The solution is to be invisible. To offer no opinion until others have done so, and then only to agree. To go along with any request. To impose no boundaries or barriers. To prevent yourself from ever saying “no.” To give up on directing your own life. To pacify those who might disapprove of you. To hide your ideas, your dreams, your wishes, and your emotions. To dress, act, and live in order to blend into the background and disappear. To exist not so much as a person, but as a mirror for other people: reflecting back their ideas, their wishes, their expectations, their hopes, and their goals. To reflect and thereby vanish. Anything to keep yourself from really being there Unfortunately, this solution does not really work. Humans are not meant to be invisible, nor to live as reflections of the lives of others. Extinguishing the self is not an option. It leads to greater fear, more helplessness, sharper resent- ment, and deeper depression. ‘Other people see life as little more than a competition. If they are not to become invisible themselves, then others will have to be invisible. There is no choice, Their views must be accepted. Their wishes must be honored. Their way must be everyone's way. And should anyone not give in, the anger will flow The issue will be forced, and the wishes, hopes, and desires of others will be ignored or trampled. To be there, other people (with their inconvenient attitudes and opinions) will have to be absent. Is this you? The competitive approach doesn’t work either. The anger is never really satisfied. When others give in, it is never joyfully. And they begin drifting away to the exits, leaving the angry person alone to resent the desertion. The effort to control others makes life uncontrollable. The real solution? To be there. Not to be perfect. To expose our flaws, our irrational emotions and opinions, our strange preferences, our incomprehensi- ble dreams, our unaccountable tastes, and our all-too-human selves to others. ‘To be there. Not so that others will bow down to us or hide themselves from us, but in a way that invites others to be there as well. A way that acknowledges the right of everyone to be every bit as irrational, flawed, and human as we are. Assertiveness is all about being there. In this workbook you will learn about many of the basic skills and ideas involved in being more fully present in your world and your life. Many of these skills you already know. Some may be new. Bringing them into your life will take practice and effort. Ready? Don’t Read This Book Perhaps you are wondering what good reading this book will do you. Let’s end the suspense early. Not much. Perhaps you will learn more about assertiveness. You may recognize assertive strategies in others more readily. You may become more able to classify your own behavior as assertive or otherwise. ‘And neither your behavior nor your life will change. Take a minute to think. What are you doing here? Why are you holding this book in your hand? If it is to understand more about assertiveness, then by all means read on. And just read. That'll be enough.Being There 3 But perhaps you are dissatisfied with your way of dealing with people. Perhaps something holds you back from being yourself with others; from expressing your opinions, desires, or expectations; from setting boundaries that you can defend. Or perhaps it is hard for you to tolerate differences in others or to hold back from trying to control them. Maybe you find yourself over- whelmed by fear, anger, frustration, or despair when you have to deal with some of the most important people in your life. If this sounds more like it, then don’t read this book. Reading won't be enough. Throughout the book you will find a series of self-assessments, short writing exercises, and practice suggestions. Stop. Find a pen. Do the work Carry out the practice exercises. Doing so will involve a greater investment on your part, but it will almost certainly generate a much greater return. If being more assertive is important to you, it will have to be a high prior ity in your life. Is this the time for if? Are you able—and willing—to spend the time that it may take to change your style? If not, then maybe you should put this book on your “To Read” shelf and wait until you're really ready. You'll get to it. Sooner or later, your life will convince you that you need to be able to stand up for yourself, to be yourself, and to do so in a way that invites others to be themselves as well Does Anyone Else Want to Work with You? You may be reading this book as part of an assertiveness training group. If not, don’t worry. You will still be able to carry out most of the exercises and suggestions. You may wish, though, to see if anyone wants to work on this ‘material with you. That way you can practice some of the techniques together. ‘The feedback you give each other can be invaluable. It’s always easier to learn these skills in practice sessions before you try them out in real life. Fake insults, for example, are a lot easier to handle than the real thing. If you don’t know anyone who wants to work on their own assertiveness, maybe you know someone who would still be willing to help you out with the exercises. Maybe asking them will be your first assignment for yourself. You may be surprised how agreeable they'd be. After all, you'll be practicing with them anyway—whether they know it or not Using Yourself as a Partner One of the best sources of feedback you can have is yourself. Whether or not you are working with someone else, recruit yourself as a partner. Carry out some of the exercises in front of a mirror. Yes, that includes talking to yourself as though you were speaking to someone else. Although it’s hard to be objec- tive with ourselves, mirror practice can be a helpful way of evaluating how you come across. As you watch your performance, try to forget that you are looking at yourself, Imagine that it’s someone else talking to you. How would you react? Tape recorders and video cameras can also be immensely helpful. You can record your practice sessions and play them back. Then you can concentrate on4 The Assertiveness Workbook evaluating your style. This is easier than trying to express yourself and evaluate your performance at the same time. Assertiveness Scorecards Luckily, you don’t have to wait for the exercises in this workbook to prac tice assertiveness. Difficult interactions happen to most of us fairly often. You can take advantage of these situations by recording what happened and how you handled it and then working out a more assertive alternative. Coming up with what you would like to have done may take some time when you're get- ting started. But gradually you'll speed up. Eventually you will find that you come up with the assertive response right there, on the spot. AL the back of the workbook (see page 206), you will find a set of pages entitled “Assertiveness Scorecards.” You have our permission to photocopy these pages for your own use. In fact, we recommend that you run off twenty ‘or more copies for yourself. If anyone objects because they think you are violat- ing our copyright, just show them this page—or come up with something suita- bly assertive of your own. Then get to work, Use one form for each challenging interaction you have, starting now. Record your behavior in the situation and classify it as assertive, passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive (using the definitions you will find in chapter 1). If it was other than assertive, come up with an alternative response that might have worked better. Here's an example: Date: March 12 Time: 3pm Place: My office Person/Situation: Paul, my department head, asked me to hire his nephew for the summer replacement position, despite the fact that we need some- ‘one with experience. Your Response: Couldn't think of what to say. Told him I'd think about i then thanked him for the suggestion! Assertive, Passive, Aggressive, or P/A? Passive. How di jum out? He expects me to hire the quy. Feelings Afterward: Anger at myself. Anger at Paul for trying to manipulate me. Alternative Response: Paul, we need someone in that position who knows the business, I've been planning to hire a student from the last year of the community college program, Your nephew is welcome to apply, but I'm not willing to put him at the head of the list_unless he has theBeing There § As you use these forms you will find that you gradually become better and better at coming up with assertive responses. And as you read this work- book you will be able to apply the concepts discussed to your own life, Eventu- ally the more effective responses will occur to you right in the situation, and you will be able to put them into practice. Notice what you will have done. You will have made unwelcome situa- tions welcome. They are no longer threats or disappointments. They are opportunities. A Caution about Violent Relationships Some people find themselves in violent relationships—sometimes with family members, sometimes with others. Many of these people believe that assertive- ness training might help them to deal with the violence of others or reduce the temptation to engage in violence themselves. They may be right. But these problems deserve more specialized attention than a workbook such as this one can provide. If violence plays a part in any of your relationships, you are urged not to regard this book as the solution. Instead, please address these issues with a counselor. If you are reading this manual as part of an assertiveness training group, please let your leader know that you have this additional concern. ‘One reason that The Assertiveness Workbook may be inappropriate for vio- lent relationships is that you will be encouraged to deal with troublesome situa- tions directly and assertively as you feel ready for them. Assertive strategies are designed to help you maintain control over your own life while letting go of attempting to control others. If someone close to you is violent, they may be threatened by your efforts to take back control over your life. Unless this is dealt with carefully, some violence on their part may follow. If you have a history of violence yourself, then trying to practice being assertive with others may put you in “trigger situations” that cause you to esca- late into violence without meaning to do so. Specialized help will be needed to reduce this risk. Please seek help to deal with this issue. Organization of This Book Which parts of this workbook should you use? Probably all of it. Most people will find that at least part of each chapter applies to their own situation. There may be certain areas, however, in which you have particular difficulty. You will want to pay special attention to the chapters on those topics. Part One Entitled “Understanding Assertiveness,” Part One covers most of the con- cepts involved in being assertive, Chapter I defines the four primary communi- cation styles: assertive, passive, aggressive, and passive-aggressive. Because these definitions form the keystone of everything that follows, you should be6 The Assertiveness Workbook sure to read this chapter. It includes exercises designed to help you determine which of the styles you use the most and which situations you find most diffi- cult. It also presents reasons why the assertive style usually works better than the alternatives. If it’s true that assertiveness leads to better outcomes in most situations, why isn’t everyone assertive all the time? Unfortunately, it’s not that easy Being assertive requires 1) that you have some very specific skills and 2) that you use these skills when it is appropriate to do so. Even when you have the Tight skills, something may hold you back. Chapters 2 through 4 describe the barriers to assertive behavior. Chapter 2 reviews the impact of stress on communication and how the stress response actually pulls us away from using the assertive style. Sugges- tions are provided on how to reduce stress in your life and overcome stress- related barriers to effective communication Chapter 3 discusses how the expectations of others can make it more diffi- cult for us to be assertive. Over the years you may have unintentionally led oth- ers to expect nonassertive behavior from you, and they may react less favorably than you might think to the changes you want to make. Chapter 3 also consid! ers the effect of your gender on others’ expectations. In chapter 4 you are invited to consider your own belief system and how it might impose barriers to assertiveness. Becoming aware of self-defeating beliefs is an essential step toward discarding them. You might never behave assertively until you have surmounted the belief barrier. Chapter 5 suggests a series of positive, supportive beliefs for you to con- sider. These beliefs are associated with assertive action and can assist in guid ing your decisions about the way that you communicate. Once you have dealt with the barriers to assertive behavior, you are ready to begin practicing the skills involved. But first, chapter 6 provides a checklist of some last-minute concepts, tips, and guiding principles to take with you on the journey. Part Two Part Two is entitled “Becoming Assertive” and focuses on the actual skills used in assertive communication. Each chapter in this section includes one or more practical exercises designed to help you to master the skills. It will be important for you to make these exercises a priority if you really want to develop your ability to communicate in an assertive way. Nonverbal communication tells others about our expectations, attitudes, and level of confidence. Even the best assertive communication can be under- mined by a poor nonverbal style. Chapter 7 reviews the various elements of nonverbal behavior and compares the assertive, passive, and aggressive styles (the passive-aggressive style typically mimics passive nonverbal behavior). A series of exercises provides strategies for honing an assertive nonverbal style. Are you able to express your opinion effectively while leaving room for others to think differently? This essential relationship skill lies at the heart of the concept of being present with others and is discussed in chapter 8. Chapters 9 through 12 consider the issues of providing and receiving feedback in relationships. Chapter 9 opens the topic by considering a skill thatBeing There 7 seems simple but is a surprisingly frequent source of difficulty: receiving com- pliments. Some of the most common traps are covered, along with the distorted thinking underlying them, Next, we consider the giving of positive feedback. Most people are stin- gier with positive feedback than they need to be, and this reluctance is moti- vated by a variety of fears. Chapter 10 challenges these ideas and provides specific recommendations for giving positive feedback that is useful to the per- son receiving it. Tin chapter 11 the value of negative feedback is discussed, along with the difficulty of gleaning useful information from the criticism we receive. Sugges- tions are made for defusing the anger that frequently accompanies negative feedback, as well as for narrowing criticism to the real issue at hand. Chapter 12 covers behavior that many people avoid and that most others cannot perform effectively: giving negative (or constructive) feedback. Strate- gies are given for providing such feedback in a way that is useful and not hurt- ful. The accompanying practice exercises are designed to increase your comfort with these situations. Who's in charge of your life? Chapter 13 argues that if you aren’t able to say “no” then it certainly’ isn’t you. The ability to refuse unreasonable requests is an essential skill of self-determination. This chapter considers the fears that hold people back and provides a set of skills involved in setting and maintain- ing personal boundaries. Chapter 14 puts the shoe on the other foot by discussing strategies for making requests of others. Some people avoid making requests altogether, while others make demands rather than requests. A structured four-step strat egy for phrasing requests is presented, plus a set of exercises designed to increase your confidence and comfort in translating your plans into action, All of the skills in the book come into play when you find yourself in diffi- cult conflict-laden situations. The final two chapters deal with confrontation Chapter 15 argues that confrontation is an essential though sometimes painful aspect of almost any close relationship and that adequate preparation on your part can make confrontations go much more smoothly. Tt provides a ten-step Preparation strategy that considers issues such as defining the real problem, envisioning your goal, assessing your own responsibilities, and choosing your time and setting. Chapter 16 deals with the confrontation itself and presents fif- teen strategies for keeping the discussion on topic and moving toward a solution. Throughout, remember that this is a workbook, You will find self- assessments, exercises, practice session advice, and so on. These are essential elements in learning to be more assertive. So let's get started. Based on the description of the book given above, which chapters do you think will be the most critical for you to work on? List the chapters here:8 The Assertiveness Workbook Don’t use this as a cue to ignore the remaining chapters, however. Each chapter builds on the one before it, so you will probably want to read them all, Take special care with the chapters you have identified. Reread them as neces- sary and ensure that you carry out the associated practice exercises. Throughout your reading of the book, continue to fill out Assertiveness Scorecards for the difficult exchanges you experience. As time passes, you may begin to find that these situations become easier and easier to handlePART ONE UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVENESS