Tag Archives: sexism

Miguel Cervantes on Male Entitlement Issues

Posted on by dconstructions
1

If The MESSAGE was up, I’d post this there but it’s too good to wait. So most of us saw Wil Wheaton’s tumblr link about the girl who was blamed for being pretty and exposed to incredible violence and hatred for it, because how dare she be pretty yet not be responsive to being hit on or looked at. We all know this syndrome. We may even be worried that it is getting worse; that the general entitlement of modern times or the way the internet fosters bad behaviour into cult philosophies has made this problem rise to new heights.

Then again, maybe it’s always been this god-awful. A friend of mine was reading Miguel Cervantes’ Don Quixote and has just reached Chapter 14.  In this chapter (which you can read in full, along with the whole book, here) we hear Chrysostom’s verses. Chrysostom the poet fell in love with beautiful Marcela, for she was so fair, and soon all the men in the village did the same. Not loving any of them, and not wanting them to pine for her in vain, Marcela left the village and fled into the wilderness to become a shepherdess.

She was however, followed and pined for some more, and when she still rebuffed Chrysostom, he apparently died from the wound (I think he might be faking, I haven’t read it). He left behind poetry to tell of how his great, enduring love had led him to be cruelly slain when it was not returned. Marcela, sad that he should die, comes to the grave to find the other men reading Chrysostom’s verses, and one of them (named Ambroisa) accuses her of being cold and wicked for leading him to die like that.

Marcela, being awesome, is not about to take that shit from these assholes, and decides to tell them so. To tell them they can stick their entitlement jackassery up their asses, because it’s not her fault she was pretty, and not her fault she didn’t love any one of them, and she even left the goddamn village to stop this nonsense, and she’s not about to be blamed for anything she didn’t do. Except Mr Cervantes has her being more poetic, so I’ll hand over to him to show you how the feminist smackdown was done in the 16th Century:

“I come not, Ambrosia for any of the purposes thou hast named,” replied Marcela, “but to defend myself and to prove how unreasonable are all those who blame me for their sorrow and for Chrysostom’s death; and therefore I ask all of you that are here to give me your attention, for will not take much time or many words to bring the truth home to persons of sense. Heaven has made me, so you say, beautiful, and so much so that in spite of yourselves my beauty leads you to love me; and for the love you show me you say, and even urge, that I am bound to love you. By that natural understanding which God has given me I know that everything beautiful attracts love, but I cannot see how, by reason of being loved, that which is loved for its beauty is bound to love that which loves it; besides, it may happen that the lover of that which is beautiful may be ugly, and ugliness being detestable, it is very absurd to say, “I love thee because thou art beautiful, thou must love me though I be ugly.” But supposing the beauty equal on both sides, it does not follow that the inclinations must be therefore alike, for it is not every beauty that excites love, some but pleasing the eye without winning the affection; and if every sort of beauty excited love and won the heart, the will would wander vaguely to and fro unable to make choice of any; for as there is an infinity of beautiful objects there must be an infinity of inclinations, and true love, I have heard it said, is indivisible, and must be voluntary and not compelled. If this be so, as I believe it to be, why do you desire me to bend my will by force, for no other reason but that you say you love me? Nay—tell me—had Heaven made me ugly, as it has made me beautiful, could I with justice complain of you for not loving me? Moreover, you must remember that the beauty I possess was no choice of mine, for, be it what it may, Heaven of its bounty gave it me without my asking or choosing it; and as the viper, though it kills with it, does not deserve to be blamed for the poison it carries, as it is a gift of nature, neither do I deserve reproach for being beautiful; for beauty in a modest woman is like fire at a distance or a sharp sword; the one does not burn, the other does not cut, those who do not come too near. Honour and virtue are the ornaments of the mind, without which the body, though it be so, has no right to pass for beautiful; but if modesty is one of the virtues that specially lend a grace and charm to mind and body, why should she who is loved for her beauty part with it to gratify one who for his pleasure alone strives with all his might and energy to rob her of it? I was born free, and that I might live in freedom I chose the solitude of the fields; in the trees of the mountains I find society, the clear waters of the brooks are my mirrors, and to the trees and waters I make known my thoughts and charms. I am a fire afar off, a sword laid aside. Those whom I have inspired with love by letting them see me, I have by words undeceived, and if their longings live on hope—and I have given none to Chrysostom or to any other—it cannot justly be said that the death of any is my doing, for it was rather his own obstinacy than my cruelty that killed him; and if it be made a charge against me that his wishes were honourable, and that therefore I was bound to yield to them, I answer that when on this very spot where now his grave is made he declared to me his purity of purpose, I told him that mine was to live in perpetual solitude, and that the earth alone should enjoy the fruits of my retirement and the spoils of my beauty; and if, after this open avowal, he chose to persist against hope and steer against the wind, what wonder is it that he should sink in the depths of his infatuation? If I had encouraged him, I should be false; if I had gratified him, I should have acted against my own better resolution and purpose. He was persistent in spite of warning, he despaired without being hated. Bethink you now if it be reasonable that his suffering should be laid to my charge. Let him who has been deceived complain, let him give way to despair whose encouraged hopes have proved vain, let him flatter himself whom I shall entice, let him boast whom I shall receive; but let not him call me cruel or homicide to whom I make no promise, upon whom I practise no deception, whom I neither entice nor receive. It has not been so far the will of Heaven that I should love by fate, and to expect me to love by choice is idle. Let this general declaration serve for each of my suitors on his own account, and let it be understood from this time forth that if anyone dies for me it is not of jealousy or misery he dies, for she who loves no one can give no cause for jealousy to any, and candour is not to be confounded with scorn. Let him who calls me wild beast and basilisk, leave me alone as something noxious and evil; let him who calls me ungrateful, withhold his service; who calls me wayward, seek not my acquaintance; who calls me cruel, pursue me not; for this wild beast, this basilisk, this ungrateful, cruel, wayward being has no kind of desire to seek, serve, know, or follow them. If Chrysostom’s impatience and violent passion killed him, why should my modest behaviour and circumspection be blamed? If I preserve my purity in the society of the trees, why should he who would have me preserve it among men, seek to rob me of it? I have, as you know, wealth of my own, and I covet not that of others; my taste is for freedom, and I have no relish for constraint; I neither love nor hate anyone; I do not deceive this one or court that, or trifle with one or play with another. The modest converse of the shepherd girls of these hamlets and the care of my goats are my recreations; my desires are bounded by these mountains, and if they ever wander hence it is to contemplate the beauty of the heavens, steps by which the soul travels to its primeval abode.”

 

The MESSAGE: Why We’re Doing It

Posted on by dconstructions
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Since we put the idea out there, we’ve got some feedback, and since we started the crowdsourcing, even more. Everyone wants to know exactly what the point is, and what we hope to accomplish. And until today, I didn’t know myself. I had some ideas, but it wasn’t crystalizing for me. I had the theory, but not the deep-down emotional reason to do it. That changed today when I grabbed a random shirt from the shelf and put it on.

Upon unfolding, I realized I’d grabbed my shirt with “SUPPORT SAME SEX MARRIAGE” on it. I picked it up two years ago at a march. I don’t really think of it as a political shirt any more. I wear it because I like having things I enjoy on my belly. Dinosaurs. The Violent Femmes. Daleks. Equal rights.

And like my love for those things, my politics is a very personal thing for me. Private, even. Yes, I use my facebook to point out lies and slander, but I use it precisely because it is semi-anonymous. I’m a shy guy, and face to face, I don’t talk politics. It’s not something I want to bring into the social arena, because I don’t want to judge or pressure my friends. My politics are mine and I don’t expect them to be anyone else’s.

Activism is my job; I don’t usually meet people at marches or anything. And I don’t march for my friends either. Some people do both of those things, and that’s great, but I go for I guess perhaps more theoretical reasons. I don’t march for refugees because I know any refugees and have seen the damage done to them, because I don’t and I haven’t. I don’t march for gay marriage because I love my gay friends and want them to have what others do, because really, I know like one gay guy and I hardly ever see them (hey buddy!).

As a result, I typically forget that my politics HAS any kind of human dimension. Which is why I completely randomly put on, and then forgot I was wearing, my SAME SEX MARRIAGE shirt last year, when I was going out to hang out with Darrin and Stefan. They happen to be gay, but I’d also forgotten that. On the way into the restaurant, I was suddenly panicked and embarrassed. I didn’t want to look like a try-hard, desperately trying to show off how politically correct I was. I didn’t want Darrin and Stefan to feel like I was going to make them part of my political identity, my awesome gay friends to prove how liberal I was. I put on a coat and put it out of my mind.

But later on, I relaxed and forgetting my shirt, took off my coat. And a bit later Stefan saw my shirt, and he smiled. And Stefan, when he smiles, he smiles with his whole face, his whole body and his whole heart, because he’s that kind of guy, the kind of guy with nothing but a giant heart full of love beneath his chest. And with that warm smile still spread on his face, he said “I like your shirt”.

And that was that, but I remember it, because it brought home what that shirt could do. Not change the world or even change a vote, but just say to somebody else, be they friend or stranger, that they are welcome. That I welcome you. That, astoundingly, I don’t want to burn you, or imprison you, or discriminate against you.

We all get that same kind of buzz out of shirts and badges. We see someone wearing an Invader Zim shirt and we feel “hah, I have kinship, because I share that passion.” And it’s more important when it’s something small or weird that feels like nobody else knows but you. And it’s HUGELY important when there are great masses of people doing everything they can to exclude you, or silence you, or discriminate against you, or destroy you, or just let you know, casually, how much they despise you. In that kind of environment, wearing a little sign that says “I welcome you” can make all the difference in the world. It can put a smile on someone’s face.

We’ve already made $400 on the kickstarter, which is great. A huge amount of that is down to one woman in particular, who saw what we are doing and I think had the same kind of reaction as Stefan did that day. Saw a sign saying “you are welcome” in a world that wants her gone. So she put in a very large amount of money, because those signs are just that important.  And thanks to her passion and Stefan’s smile, I finally get it.

I know we need to do this. And I know why we’re doing it. To wave the flag that says “You are welcome here” in a world that wants you gone.

You can throw some funding at us to get us over the line here.

Men v Misogyny – the Crowdsourcing Begins

Posted on by dconstructions
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Well, we’re going to give the MESSAGE idea a go and see what happens. I got a wonderful person to help out, I’ve lined up a designer to make the logo, now we just need some cash to pay the designer and set up the initial website. So off to crowdsourcing we go. I use IndieGoGo because they are much more flexible and cheaper than Kickstarter. You can find the campaign here:

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/150672?c=home&a=154593

It went up on the weekend and we’re already more than halfway to out goal, which is awesome! Clearly some people care enough about this to put their money where their mouths are! But its not just about the money, its about getting the word out – if this is going to work, it will need a lot of people to buy in to the idea, in the figurative sense, so even if they don’t fund it, they need to hear about it and talk about it. So please make sure to spread the link everywhere you can! Your favourite RPG and computer game forums! Your fellow guild members! Your twitter followers! Your mom! Your dentist!

Maybe not your dentist. (I hear he’s a jerk.)

The Upside

Posted on by dconstructions
1

Something happened in roleplaying this weekend, what with the misogyny and the internets. I’m not going to go over it again here. Edited highlights can be read on this lovely blog post of Patrick O’Duffy. This contretemp, like most things on the internet, was full of ugliness and stupidity that just made everyone feel awful. So allow me to offer a ray of hope:

Some of the triggers of this event were a few books published about ten years ago. They were pretty stupid and awful books then. They are equally stupid and awful books now. Gamer sexism was godawful then and remains godawful now. We had the internet then, and although we’ve gained a bit more social media and protest sites, not much has changed there either. But there wasn’t a row then, and there was a big row now. So what has changed?

My guess is what changed is gamer women.

There are more of them, and they are better organised and more than anything else, they are sick to the back teeth with it. They are mad as hell and not going to take it any more. They’re sick and tired of the rape threats and the rape culture, of the whore tables and pimp cardgames, of the chainmail bikinis and the porn tracing, of being the ball-and-chain, the victim, or the whore, of the endless equivocating and poor comparisons, of being ignored or diminished by the entire industry, and mocked and denigrated by the entire hobby, and of being told to shut up and get back in the kitchen when they say a single word of complaint about any of this. They are sick to death of it all, and they’ve got a voice, and they intend to use it, and nothing and nobody is going to stop them any more. They are going to call everyone on their bullshit, and demand that it gets better.

And this is excellent goddamn news. For rpgs, for video games, for gaming in general. Not just because the hobby needs it the way the Augean stables needed a hose, but because we need more voices, and we need different voices, being heard and being loud and making things different. Because that’s the only way a medium can progress and evolve and stay interesting.

So. That’s the upside. Maybe it’ll let a little sunshine in if you’ve been facepalming through too many trainwrecks of late.

The MESSAGE: Something Like A Plan

Posted on by dconstructions
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Okay, I think I’m going to take this forward, since people seem generally supportive of the idea. The next step is to hammer out something like a plan and a mission statement about what we are trying to achieve, what we’re not trying to achieve, and how to get there. So here are some general principles of those, to get started:

  1. Stay focussed. There are many problems in gaming and computer gaming, sexism is just one of them. Racism is just one of them. There are a myriad of ways to tackle these issues. Trying to find all the ways to tackle all the problems is not going to help anything. A tight focus means we do our thing well and hopefully we connect it to other things that make a larger difference.www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com owns this image. It rocks. Don't steal it.
  2. Have a defined goal which we can articulate. Still working on that, but the idea is to build a system to encourage men, through a branded tribalist approach of badges and logos and merchandise, to make a concerted effort to not be dicks in gaming environments and to advertise that fact to others (making them want to join that tribe). Here, being dicks means using racist and sexist slurs, and hitting on people, and making sexual attacks, and being horrifically unpleasant and general. The idea being that those who make such identifications can be relied on not to do that, and eventually be selected by people to play with more often, thus encouraging more people to make the same pledge, and generally creating communities of people dedicated to a minimum level of behaviour. Here’s Wil Wheaton talking about what we want to encourage. 
  3. Don’t Be Dicks About It. We are not the moral police. Nor are we White Knights. We’re not here to save anyone, or accuse anyone. While we want people to encourage others to act the same way, this isn’t about giving anyone the moral high ground or turn them into forum vigilantes. That way leads to madness. And this isn’t about anyone’s sensitive ears, either. This isn’t even about women. It’s about being better simply because it’s what we want and think is appropriate. Also, we’re relaxed enough to occasionally say the word dicks, and that’s going to be okay. At least, that’s where we are now. Happy to here weighing in on lines to be drawn. Not literally
  4. Invite Others. We’re all doing our bit to make things suck less. We work with other groups, not against them. Nobody owns a movement or an idea.
  5. Start Small, Start Slow. I am one man with an enormous amount of personal issues, challenges, and dependents. I also have no money whatsoever. Doing it right without killing myself means moving at a snail’s pace, and results will move equally slowly. Before I can even start a website I will need graphics for it, and before I can get graphics for it, I will need money (because artists don’t work for free). Some kind of stepped plan will be important. There will likely be crowd-sourcing for the cash. Recent evidence, like Feminist Frequency making a hundred and sixty thousand dollars(!!!), proves people want to talk about this stuff, and fund people doing things about it.
  6. Do It Well. As mentioned above, we want to do it right, which means making it look right, which is why I’m going to need money, because no GOOD artist works for free (nor should they). Unless they really like this idea, he said hinting.

And yeah, we’re going with (Getting The) M.E.S.S.A.G.E. – Men Ending Slurs and Sexual Attacks in the Gaming Environment.Hilarious wordplay is possible

Comments useful as always.

Men vs Misogyny

Posted on by dconstructions
13

So there’s been a lot of talk lately about misogyny, sexism and sexual harassment in geekdom, such as comics, movies and particularly gaming. Comic commentary I’ll leave to better minds like Kate Beaton but I know gaming, and gaming is also a Big Deal. And sexism in gaming is such a big deal even the BBC  is doing stories on it. And there are lots of people trying to raise the issue of sexism in game design, in the online community and particularly in game environments but it is endemic enough to become a meme and is thankfully well-parodied.

But so far, most of what I’ve seen crying against it has come from the ladies themselves. And a lot of what I’ve seen coming from men is mansplaining, turning a blind eye, or a shrug of the shoulders. Even when women are recognised as having a fair complaint, the sentiment seems to be that “gamers/gaming is like that” and it’s pretty hard to change.

Without trying to be all white-man’s-burden, I’d like to say that I’m sick and tired of the problem, and I’m sick and tired of doing nothing about it. I’m sick and tired of gaming not being a safe space for women. I’m sick to my stomach that my female friends can’t go to gaming stores. I’m tired of reading article after article about the shit that goes down online, of the way that gamers revert instantly to sexual language and sexual attacks, and then excuse it as smack talk.

So all of this leads me to say: maybe it’s time some men started doing something about the problem. Because guys, this is our problem. Members of our gender have made gaming, over and over again, a toxic, hostile and dangerous place for women. And that’s not just bad for women, or bad for us, it’s bad for gaming. And it is sad and disgusting that it took a lot of very loud women pointing this out to us before we noticed or gave a damn. And it is depressing as hell that we either don’t want to do anything about it, or cannot do anything about it.

Right now, I don’t believe the latter. I think we can do something about it, specifically as men. Because for the moment we dominate the gaming industry and the gaming market and because we should. Because it’s about fucking time. (And yes, all of the above applies to homophobia and racism in gaming too. I’m just picking one thing at a time though.) The question then is, what to do.

Just as a start, I’m throwing an idea out there. It might be a stupid idea. Consider this a call for input on it. The idea takes inspiration from the various men’s groups around the world that take a stand against sexism and crimes against women. Those groups are designed to encourage men to recognize that the problems begin in their numbers, in their social groups, in what they will and won’t accept from their mates and their wide circles. I think it could be a good concept to apply specifically to gaming.

I’d like to see a society of men who have taken a pledge to make gaming safe for women – video games, online games, board games, rpgs, all games, for all women. And who will try to do so by not tolerating any sexism, harassment or sexual assault (verbal or otherwise) from the men they game with. Who will kick out, ban, or refuse to group with guys who won’t stop with the misogyny. Who will be able to join an online group and get a little avatar badge that says to women “hey, you can game with me and I won’t be a sexist jackass to you”. Maybe even a t-shirt they could wear at cons. Just to say “I’m a man, and I have GOT THE DAMN MESSAGE.” The message that enough is enough. That this has to stop.

I like the sound of that, actually. It could be Men calling for an End to Sexism and Sexual Assault in the Gaming Environment. Shirts that say: I’ve Gotten The MESSAGE. And those who haven’t got it yet, well, haven’t got the MESSAGE.

Obviously such a system could be abused. Obviously such a system could end up doing nothing to help and just be handing out badges to people for feeling like sanctimonious crusaders. Obviously this could just be an excuse for me to bignote myself and act all quixotic, or just get in the way of other good ideas. Obviously, I don’t want any of that.  Hence, I’m doing my research before I started tilting at windmills. That’s where you come in. Tell me if you think this will make any goddamn difference at all. Tell me, men, if you’d want to support something like this. Tell me, ladies, if you think it would help in any way. Or tell me to go back and try again.

But tell me something because enough IS really enough. Some of us have got the message, but it isn’t getting through, and it’s just not good enough.

NOTE: This post was edited on the 27th of September, 2012, to remove a personal anecdote. Nothing of significance was changed.