crisper, posts by tag: parody - LiveJournal — LiveJournal

11:27 pm - Apologies to Peter Gabriel

Cover it

while it runs

Cover it

through the night

Gotta keep it nice and neat

When you're in its heat

Cover it

Darling please

Hottub, hottub, hottub

Don't you know you gotta

Shock the hottub

Raise pH

Test the strip

You can brominate

Watch the drip

There's one more test you must get 'round:

Bring the hardness down

What's the hubbub with the hottub?

Hottub, hottub, hottub

Don't you know you gotta

Shock the hottub

Hottub - Chemical's doubling

Hottub - Something's bubbling

Hottub - Sure do like it even though it's troubling

Shock! Watch the hottub get clean, hottub!

Cover it

While you sleep

Cover it

So it keeps its heat

Throw your spoonfuls in the swirl

Then invite your girl!

Cover it

Darling please

Hottub, hottub, hottub

Don't you know you gotta

Shock the hottub

Hottub - Submerge your backs

Hottub - Jets behind relax

Hottub - Feel the heat it packs!

Shock! Watch the hottub get clean, hottub!

Shock the hottub

Shock the hottub

Shock the hottub tonight

09:11 pm - Apologies to Christmas

06:47 am - Apologies to the Mamas and the Papas

Stark and Rhodey, more than just a toady,
demonstratin' weapons of war.
Bruce and Betty, gettin' kinda sweaty,
gamma radiation galore.
In Pepper's job Natasha sat
and after every movie, Fury's the cool cat.
Thor and Loki, just gettin' pokey
in Asgard - you know where that's at,
and no one's in the past except good ol' Cap.

Nick said, "Tony, i know you're not a phony.
A hero's really what you should be. (Join my team.)"
Stark said, "Fury, the drink has made me blurry.
I'll sober up eventually."
Stark, Fury, and Natasha sat (on the carrier)
and after the next movie, they had a chat.
Thor and Loki, still gettin' pokey
in Asgard - you know where that's at
and way back in the past crashed good ol' Cap.

Steve Rogers was bolder but couldn't be a soldier;
a procedure changed it all one day.
Fightin' against HYDRA, Red Skull behind ya;
the Tesseract dissolves him away.
When Fury met Cap there was adventure:
called Stark and Bruce and assembled the Avengers.
Thor and Loki - the movie did okay;
the next film is where it's at,
and no one's in the past, even good ol' Cap.

Favreau, arc glow, Branagh, frost thaw;
every film released in a chain.
Johnston, pounced on, Joss will get announced and
Comic-Con is going insane.
Ruffalo is next to get his hulk on;
Renner comes along and he gets a bow drawn.
Aliens and Loki, not very low key
while Kirby… well, you know where that's at
'cause everyone's makin' cash except good ol' Jack.

Trembled, assembled, Loki sure dissembled;
Hawkeye gets his mind obscured.
Widow has to break it; Coulson doesn't make it -
he could have used some powers for sure.
Open up a portal to the space fleet;
stop the invasion, golly that effect's neat.
Disney picks a weekend, calculate the back end,
run these ads immediately.
Let's see if we can make a billion dollars internationally.

------
For consideration: http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1685006/avengers-box-office-billion-dollars.jhtml

09:53 am - With apologies to John & Paul & George & Ringo

I'm fixing a hole where the Claus gets in
And fills my house with useless bling
As he ho ho hos

I'm filling the chimney and blocking the door
To save my house from any more
Of his ho ho ho

And it really doesn't matter if he's real or fake
All this cheer I can't take
All this cheer
See the children standing there who ask for stuff and never care
And wonder where the milk and cookies go

I'm trapping my roof with some dangerous things
And when he arrives on reindeer wings
Then I'll ho ho ho

And it really doesn't matter if he's fake or real
It makes me want to kill
It makes me want
Silly people run around all merry-gay and never ask
Who's gonna pay for all this stuff galore

I'm making a list and I'm checking it twice
Gonna decide who's naughty and nice
Then I'll ho ho ho

I'm fixing a hole where the Claus gets in…

------
For consideration: three decades later I still think it's hilarious to say "Away to the window I flew like a flash / tore open the shutters and threw up!"

11:41 pm - Apologies to Don Henley

Nobody on the road
Nobody on the lawn
I smell it in the air
The human race is gone
Empty stores, empty streets
The living only pray
I'm waiting in your house
Though I know you've decayed

I can see you
Your brains are shining in the sun
You got your flesh pulled off
And your hunger is strong, baby
I can tell you my hunt for you will still be on
After the zombie virus has won.

I never will forget that flu
It always started with a cough
Remember how the streets went crazy
Remember how they how they dragged you off
Now I don't understand
Why you can't be deceased
But babe I'm gonna put you down
Gonna make you rest in peace

I can see you
Your brains keep shining in the sun
I see you lurching real slow
Lunging at everyone
I can tell you my hunt for you will still be on
After the zombie virus has won

Out on the road today
I saw your dead friends feeding on a wounded deer
A little voice inside my head said
"Don't go near, you must never get near"
I thought I knew what death was
Our price for sin
That world is gone forever
I should just let them win

But I can see you
Your brains keep shining in the sun
You got an arm pulled off
One eyeball gone, baby
I can tell you my hunt for you will still be on
After the zombie virus has won.

------
For consideration: love is stronger than death

12:56 pm - #HigherStakesChildrensBooks

God.

Big god. Little god.

Big gods and little gods. Good and evil gods.

"Hello!"
"Hello!"
"Do you like my prayer?"
"I do not. Good-by!"
"Good-by!"

One little god going in. Three big gods going out.

A cruel god on a basalt ziggurat. A kind god on a granite ziggurat. An emotional god on a sandstone ziggurat.

Some big gods and some little gods going around in processionals. A god out of a processional.

Two big gods in ascent. One little god in decline.

The emotional god is up. The logical god is down. The kind god is in. The cruel god is out.

One god up on a temple. Three gods down in the city.

An emotional god over the ziggurat. A logical god under the ziggurat.

Two gods in a temple on a plateau in the city. A god over the city. A god under the city.

"Hello again."
"Hello."
"Do you like my prayer?"
"I do not like it. Good-by again."
"Good-by."

The gods are all going around and around and around. Go around again!

The sun is up. The sun is Logic. The logical sun is over the temple. It is enlightened out here in the sun. It is not enlightened here under the temple.

Now it is night. Three gods at an orgy on a plateau at night.

Gods at peace. Peace, gods, peace! Gods at war. War, gods, war!

"Hello again."
"Hello."
"Do you like my prayer?"
"I do not like that prayer. Good-by again."
"Good-by."

Gods in processionals again. Going away. Going away fast.

Look at those gods go. Go, gods, go!

Stop, gods. Stop! The ritual is halted now.

Go, gods. Go! The ritual is proceeding now.

Two gods at war. At war up on top. Go down, gods. Do not war up there. Go down.

Now it is night. Night is not a time for war. It is time for sleep. The gods go to sleep. They will sleep all night.

Now it is day. The sun is up. Now is the time for all gods to get up. Get up! It is day. Time to get going. Go, gods. Go!

There they go. Look at those gods go! Why are they going fast in those processionals? What are they going to do? Where are those gods going?

Look where they are going. They are all going to that big ziggurat over there.

Now the processionals stop. Now all the gods get out. And now look where those gods are going! To the ziggurat! To the ziggurat!

Up the ziggurat! Up the ziggurat! Up they go to the top of the ziggurat. Why? Will they have peace there? Will they have war there? What is up there on top of that ziggurat?

A god orgy! A big god orgy! Big gods, little gods, cruel gods, kind gods, logical gods, emotional gods, good gods, and evil gods are all at a god orgy! What a god orgy!

"Hello again. And now do you like my prayer?"
"I do. What a prayer! I like it! I like that orgy prayer!"
"Good-by! Good-by!"

------
For consideration: GO!

02:33 pm - Apologies to Jack Owens. And also the Maccabees.

Oh we're lighting
the hanukiah
a nuki-nuki-nuki-nuki-nukiah
Everybody
loves Hanukkah
Celebrating in the winter it's a great idea
We'll eat all the latkes and blintzes we see
Eight days of presents and they're all for me
Oh we're lighting
the hanukiah
nuki-nuki-nuki-nuki-nukiah

What a beautiful night for candles
The old Talmudic way
When a single day of oil
Somehow lasted eight

Oh we're lighting
the hanukiah
a nuki-nuki-nuki-nuki-nukiah
Everybody
loves Hanukkah
even though it's not a holiday in the Torah
We'll spin a bit of dreidel, say a prayer
Recall a great miracle happening there
Oh we're lighting
the hanukiah
nuki-nuki-nuki-nuki-nukiah!

------
For consideration: the reason for the season

08:38 pm - Apologies to Men at Work

Traveling in a burned-out plodder
On a hyper-trail, hold full of water
I met a strange bug-eye, it made me nervous
It took me in and wiped my memory
And it said

Do you come from the world called Terra?
Where mammals breed and make errors?
Do you live, do you live in terror?
You bet your sun, you won't last one more era.

Buying air from a troll in Xrustles
It was three foot six of mostly pustules
I said, Do you speak-a my trade tongue?
It just laughed and offered to buy my first young.
And it said

I come from the world called Terra
Where bombs fall and peace is rarer!
Do you live, do you live in terror?
You bet your sun, you won't last one more era.

Lying in a pod in Six-Crest
With a glass spine and not much flesh left
I said to the droid, Are you trying to kill me?
Because I come from a world that's guilt-free
And it said

Do you come from the world called Terra?
Where mammals breed and make errors?
Do you live, do you live in terror?
You bet your sun, you won't last one more era.

------
For consideration: you just know, comes a day that everyone in the galaxy will complain that there's nowhere left to go to vacation away from the damn humans

11:15 pm - Apologies to George Michael

There's ones that you keep
and ones that you throw
There's bass you can land
And pike that you don't
There's little trout you fry
And little salmon you smoke
Sometimes you think you're gonna catch it
But you don't and that's just the way it goes

Swear I will bait it
Will lure with this fly
I'll wait for a nibble
Then pull on my line
I've waited so long, buddy
Now that we're set
A man gets so hungry
It's time to get wet

I want those fish
I want those cod
I want those fish
I want those… fish!

It's playing on the line
It's dancing to and fro
It's taking so much time
Maybe I should let it go
I'd really like to win
I'd really love to go pro
When you tell me we're over the limit
Then I tell you wait a minute while I reel this pole

Swear I will bait it
Will lure with this fly
I'll wait for a nibble
Then pull on my line
I've waited so long, buddy
Here in the flow
I can't stand this river
But I can't go home

I want those fish
I want those cod
I want those fish
I want those… fish!

Fish!

It passes time
It's no surprise
We like the prize
And exercise
It's fun for guys
Get your supplies
Fishing's something that we should do
Fishing's a hobby for me and you

Fish is natural
Fish is good
Not everybody eats it
But everybody should
Fish are slippery
Fish are gilled
Fish are best when they're
Fried or grilled

Fried or grilled

I'm not a hunter
I'm not a trapper
Talk to the ranger
I am a fisher
Whoooooooo!
C-c-c-c-c-c-c'mon

What's your definition of relaxing, buddy
What do you consider a good hobby?
Don't you know I love it til I freeze my balls off
Don't you think it's time to come fish with me
What's your definition of relaxing, buddy
What do you consider a good hobby?
Don't you know I love it til I freeze my balls off
Don't you think it's time to come fish with me

Fish. With. Me!

Fish. With. Me!

Fish. With. Me!

Come. Fish. With. Me!

C-c-c-c-c-c-c'mon

------
For consideration: I swear I intended to write something smart tonight, or at least something not completely stupid

12:15 am - Jax-HRT

I'm a codebroken android, on Phobos was built
All my software defeated by a lass free of guilt
From the script kids on Titan I now suffer attacks
My encryption long shattered, no defense from their hacks

Of my troubles I'll tell you if you have the time
Of a sweet little hacker and her secret crime
She's a senator's daughter from Ganymede Knobbe
And one day I was ordered to find her a job

I was working in banking where trade data flow
The reports that I published would practically glow
I'm the bot who stands happy surrounded by graphs
But my thoughts were on Molly, the way that she laughs

I found her a contract, the easiest gig
And the costliest training they'll give to a kid
I gave her a passcode to come through the door
I deprived her of nothing there was on our floor

As I processed the data I earned us a mint
I was loyal and eager and quite diligent
From mail room to board room my work always shined
And they called me Jax-HRT, the best of my kind

She wrote me an email which I didn't pre-scan
Which contained a virus that started her plan
It took over my programs, exploited a fault,
And the next thing I knew I had emptied our vault.

On her father, Sir Nigel, I blame the whole thing
For he covered it up and she got away clean
They pinned her great robbery on my lowly frame
And left me abandoned with only my name

So come all you bold androids who think you're so wise
Don't trust in a human, they're masters of lies
But if ever you meet one with laughter that's wild
Remember Jax-HRT and the Ganymede child

------
For consideration: apologies to Dan McGinnis and the many many many folk groups who have recorded it over the years

11:34 pm - O Night Malign

O, Holy Crap! The stars are now aligning.
It is the time that the dread sleeper wakes.
Long has the world put up with human whining
'Til He appears and the whole planet quakes.
A shock of fear your mortal soul is chilling,
For madness brings a new horrific dawn.
Fall on your knees!
Oh, hear byakhee trilling!
O night malign! The night when all is spawned;
O night! O night! O night malign!

Led by the sound of fungal wings a-beating,
With glowing eyes in Her dark thrall we sway.
Under the world, Her thousand young are eating;
Now come the deep ones on our flesh to prey.
The King in Yellow's name must not be spoken,
In all your organs are his offspring grown.
He knows your needs!
Your weakness will be broken!
Behold your fate; accept what you have sown!
Behold! Behold! Your fate is what you've sown.

Truly we see that science won't protect us;
There is no sense when these strange times are nigh.
Minions arise, entrusted to collect us
And in their claws even sweet death shall die.
The hungry maw of Azathoth is looming,
the mad blind thing you cannot hope to fight.
There is no God!
This madness all-consuming!
The portents and signs show the stars at last are right.
The stars! The stars! At last, the stars are right.

------
For consideration: apologies to Placide Cappeau & Adolphe Adam, apparently

12:05 am - Topical: A disaster of inconceivable scale (oh, plus an oil spill)

Clean gulf
New well
Got no safeties but I'm sure it's swell
Slick oil
Black gold
One little blowout, lo and behold

It starts gushin' just as fast as it will
Cause every well's a problem when it starts to spill

Failed dome
Broke ring
Nothing's working, not a single thing
Bad press
Poor spin,
If we don't steer this it'll do us in

The tweets are only getting more and more shrill
Cause everybody's angry 'bout our god-damn spill

Top kill
Top hat
We won't worry while our profit's fat
Black birds
White lies
As it spreads, everything dies

Already plannin' for our very next drill
And counting down the days until our next big spill

------
For consideration: apologies to ZZ Top

11:03 pm - Crackhead

I'm through with cashin' those checks that I worked to earn
It's like I made it big and I dunno what I learned
This life hasn't turned out to be all that interesting
(Tell me what you want)

I want some brand new pills that I can't resist
And head full of voices that don't exist
And a king-size bag to drag around all my things
(Yeah, so what you need?)

I need a beat-up coat that fell off a truck
And a cardboard sign that says "Spare a buck?"
Gonna join the local soup line and stand there mumbling
(Been there, done that)

I want a new syringe and a hacking cough
My own flop where I can go nod off
Somewhere between the freeway and river is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

Gonna trade this life for illness and pain
I'll even cut my wrists to find more veins

Cause we all just wanna be big crack heads
Live in cardboard boxes cause we're off our meds
The food is garbage and our friends are creeps
We'll all be twitchy cause we just don't sleep

And we'll hang out and beg for change
On a cold street corner as we grow deranged
Every car we see we're gonna go harass
Every cop we see is gonna beat our ass

Hey hey, I wanna be a crack head.

I wanna be sick as a dog as I scratch my nuts
Know eight different dealers who hate my guts
Pick through the dumpster until I can find a meal
(Is that a quesadilla?)

I'm gonna wipe my ass with some old newspapers
And I'll stay warm thanks to the sewer vapors
Gonna break your window so that I can find some stuff to steal
(So how you gonna do it?)

Gonna trade this life for illness and pain
I'll even cut my wrists to find more veins

Cause we all just wanna be big crack heads
Live in cardboard boxes cause we're off our meds
The food is garbage and our friends are creeps
We'll all be twitchy cause we just don't sleep

And we'll hang out and beg for change
On a cold street corner as we grow deranged
Every car we see we're gonna go harass
Every cop we see is gonna beat our ass

Then we'll hide out and pick at scabs
With a handful of samples from today's fresh tabs
They'll tell you that it's good, it's the same old shit
But it doesn't really matter cause we need a hit

Hey hey, I wanna be a crack head.

------
For consideration: apologies to Nickelback

12:53 pm - Harder to rhyme than I thought going in

Somewhere in the dark trans-Martian asteroids
lived a young clone named Rocky Raccoon.
One day his woman ran off with a pleasure droid,
Kicked young Rocky in the noids.
Rocky didn't like that; he said, "I'm gonna get that bot!"
So one day he pulled into dock,
Booked himself a cell in the local hotel.

Rocky Raccoon
Logged into his room
Only to find Hubbard's Ratin'.
Rocky had come
Equipped with a stun
To burn up the guy he was hatin'.
His rival, you see,
Decrypted his key
And then stole the girl that he fell for.
Her name was Nicole
And she called herself LOL
But everyone knew her as L-4.

Now she and her bot
Who called himself Scott
Were in the next room doing NuCrack.
Rocky bust in
And grinning a grin
He said, "Scotty-boy this is a bushwhack!"
But Prescott was wired;
He drew first and fired
And Rocky collapsed on the bulkhead.

The doctor buzzed in,
Twitching from stim;
Proceeded to float by the porthole.
He said, "Rocky, you better learn."
Rocky said, "Doc it's only a burn
And I'll be better, I'll be better, Doc,
just let me get my console."
So Rocky Raccoon
Fell back in his room
Only to find Hubbard's Ratin'.
Hubbard checked out;
He left it no doubt
To help clear good Rocky's poor thetan!

------
For consideration: apologies to Paul McCartney and The Beatles

11:25 pm - I know this was a bunch of you

We bought our first real server
At the Campbell Fry's.
Ran it til the hard drive died;
Was the summer of 99.
Me and some kids from school
Had some code and our own domain
Til it failed, our backers got nervous.
Shoulda had a business plan

When I look back now
Those weekends seemed to last forever
And if I could score some e
Yeah, I'd always try to be there.
Those were the best highs of my life

Ain't no use in compiling
When you're only writing scripts.
Spent our evenings flipping on candy;
I met you on those trips.
Rollin' in the conference room
You said it wasn't just the drug talk
And when you touched my hair
Felt like we were on a spacewalk.
Those were the best highs of my life
Back in the summer of '99

Man we were killin' brain cells
We were young and stupid
We thought we had ideas
We just needed to drink more water, more water, yo

And now the market's changing
Look at everyone that's gone in debt.
Sometimes I boot up that old server
Try to see if you're on Facebook yet.
Lying on our velvet couch
You said that we'd be coming down soon.
Oh the way you touched my hair
So glad that we were in the Chill Room.
Those were the best highs of my life
Back in the summer of '99

------
For consideration: apologies to Bryan Adams

03:51 pm - Keep Your Laser Handy

Briefing time
And the treason comes easy.
Mutation's spreading
And the Commies are nigh.
Your mission's failed
And Team Leader is crazy.
Confess, Troubleshooter,
before you die.

One of these mornings
You're gonna wake up screaming.
Then they'll decant you
So your next clone can try.
But until that morning
When you're finally terminated,
Friend Computer is here
to ask you: why?

------
For consideration: apologies to George Gershwin

01:57 pm - Ray-Fever

I must down to the lab again, to the darkened lab and its hum,
And all I ask is a giant gun and a mountain to fire her from,
And the circuit's buzz and the tube's glow and the massive engine steaming,
And a plasma bomb on the launch track, and the plasma coils streaming.

I must down to the lab again, for the call of science pure
is a cold call and a harsh call that only logic may endure;
And all I ask is a jungle lair with a thousand traps waiting,
And the cameras and the henchmen and my enemies hating.

I must down to the lab again, to the ruthless genius task,
To the savior's role and the villain's role where we always wear a mask;
And all I ask is a good clean fight from a stalwart rival hero
And a final speech and a fiery doom when my plans are brought to zero.

------
For consideration: apologies to John Masefield

11:51 pm - Topical: Your guide to this year's California propositions

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will Arnold Schwarzenegger please shut up?
I repeat, will Arnold Schwarzenegger please shut up?
( We're gonna have a problem here...Collapse )

------
For consideration: seriously considering voting, in every case, for whichever side uses fewer all-cap sentences and exclamation points; by that reckoning, however, it's still a serious toss up in a few cases

12:04 am - Topical: it just keeps going. make it stop.

I'm just a page, yeah I'm only a page
and by law, you know, I'm still underage.
But when you're real, real horny
in the capital city,
Have a long, long chat
where you tell me that I'm pretty.
But I hope your boss will soon step in--
They're so opposed to sin, so they say,
yet they still look away
from their page.

------
For consideration: http://www.school-house-rock.com/Bill.html for those of you who never got to experience Schoolhouse Rock

11:22 am - Steve Irwin Memorial Bon Jovi Cover

A harmless critter that lives in disguise
You hide in the sand, then you claim you're surprised
Pointed barb got its aim on me
As I'm swimming over, you're too quick to see

You're a deadly fish
Just having your fun
No one can save me
The damage is done

Stabbed through the heart
And you're to blame
You give rays a bad name
I made my show
'til you came my way
You give rays a bad name

------
For consideration: I'm a cowboy, on a steel croc I ride