Violets in the Mountains: An SI Support Community

I'm sorry for not being around, guys. At one point a couple months ago, I realized that talking about how depressed I was and reading about other people's SI was too triggering for me, so I stepped away and tried to focus on other things. At about the same time, someone important to me told me an important self-truth that left me stunned and upset. So I curled up into a ball and pretended the world didn't exist, for a while.

Um... I haven't cut in about a month? Or something. The last time I cut was because of an argument with my sister, the day before I went swimming with friends. Why is it so easy for people to accept cats as a reason for scars all over the place? I apologize to my cats when I get home, but I'm still afraid to tell people why the scars really exist.

I lost my job! Rather, I quit it because I was being harassed. Now I'm broke and stuck at home with nothing to do except read the Star Trek kink meme. Unfortunately, wank has sprung up at the kink meme, to the point where it's seriously bothered and depressed me. That, coupled with depressing thoughts about my ex and fighting with my family, makes me want to get very drunk tonight and cut.

I might still get drunk, but I'm going to try not to cut, even if it would feel really good right now. Instead of thinking about myself, I want to know what's going on with you guys.


How is everyone doing? Met anybody? Are your friends doing okay? Are YOU doing okay?

What's your cat done lately that has cracked you up?

My dad found out about my personal lj, and I don't have it set to friends-only so he read it. My whole family thinks I'm over this depression, and now he knows I'm not. I hate the way they treat me, like I'm some bomb that will go off if it's touched too roughly. I am a person. I do ordinary things too.
I hate how I can't be sad anymore. Even if it's for a legitimate reason, like how my older brother, who is my best friend, is going away for the summer. I'm going to miss him, a lot, and I'm not allowed to show it because my parents will see this as me being depressed. Can I please just have half a second to be sad? To feel sadness in a normal, healthy way? Apparently not.


Truth be told, I am spiraling down, and I don't know what to do to stop it. I have been exercising, working, sleeping normal-ish hours, being around people that makes me happy, and still at the end of the day, I'm exhausted from all the effort it takes to please everyone, to satisfy their need to see me "happy". I know I shouldn't hide what I'm feeling, but hiding is better than explaining, and explanations are hard to come by right now.

I started a new job, and I wear a chef jacket as part of the uniform. Chef jackets are heavy, and hot, and I work over a grill, so I roll up the sleeves. On one wrist, I have the word LOVE tattooed on it, the other - scars, fully exposed for all of my new co-workers to see. And you know what? This doesn't bother me. So they see it, they see proof that I've been through hard times, that I'm not just some spoiled little blonde girl. One of the guys asked me what happened; I just smiled and looked away. I'm not ashamed. At least they're scars, not scabs. It's been over a month since I last cut, and I am ridiculously proud of that.

So I cut last night.  What I thought was 4 on my hand, 4 on my thigh.  4 for the 4th day, 4 for the 4th month - 4th April, the day my father died, 19 years ago.  This morning I woke up with my pyjama shorts stuck to my bloody thighs, and I realized I had 4 cuts on my thigh, but 5 on my hand.  I feel like I've done wrong because of the number fuck-up.

It seems with me that it's either cutting myself or starving myself.  Today it's heavy restriction, which is good because the wine I'm having tonight affected me much quicker than it should've so I'm way drunk wihle writing this.

Yeah.

i just want to say this is the best comm ever, and ilu guys. <3

Just got this off from the mods of another comm:


So, apparently there is a scam going around the LJcoms with a virus attached. Beware.

Dear friends, I, as the maintainer of this community, have to inform you that due to recent tragic events, I've decided to stop using LJ as a platform for my community (and to remove everything that was posted here before). From now on, all new materials should be posted to the New community that I've recently created, as for old posts, you will find them here.

If you see a message like that around, Do not click the links! Apparently, it is not only infecting people, but deleting the coms as well once it takes control of someones LJ.

This is a friendly service announcement.
For more information try this link:
http://upstart-crow.livejournal.com/346623.html?style=mine

Edit: See more info, provided by </a></b></a>wolfsilveroak, in the comments.
And a Thank you to </a></b></a>wcif_sims for the heads up.

So, it's pretty obvious that this has been the week from hell for most of us, and everyone's been breaking down all over the place like a used American car (oh snap!).

I can't cheer you up, but I can offer this:

http://www.forumwarz.com

It is a hilariously nerdy game that I found recently, and I've become completely addicted to it...and it's just something to do to take your mind off of more serious crap if you want. If you're an internet geek like I am you'll probably enjoy it; if you're not that into the online thing then it probably won't amuse you as much but you could still try it out for shits and giggles.

If you do decide to join and you want friends, my username is BrazenHussy, and erislyte is rainbow_unicorn_lesbo.

And if you decide to stick with it, you can also join our Klan, the Pokemon Masters. We're kind of amazing. XD

That's all! =D

I am feeling physically depressed and I don't even know why. I mean, I am talking to someone right now so the odds are low that I'll maul my arm like last night but I really wish someone would just bitchslap me hard enough to get me out of this funk.

I mean, I am hurting on my insides and I can't make it stop. I don't want to eat. I just want to lay down and sleep. But if I go to sleep I'll probably wake up way early and feel worse.

I don't feel like killing myself but I really just want to die. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I have talked to every person I know to try and solve the mystery but I think I am just failing at emotions.

I also want to strangle the person upstairs. They are so unnecessarily loud.

Everything is irritating or is just a super big deal. Everything is magnified. I really just need someone to pay more attention to me. I also really want to drink until I can't feel anything but I can't afford alcohol and got rid of everything that was in the house.

I am collapsing and I don't know why. I don't know why. Maybe I'm just generally depressed. Maybe it's the seasonal affective disorder. I don't know.

I feel like I am just going to collapse into a heap and start crying. I am so lonely right now. If I were a better person maybe I wouldn't be so lonely. I am just barely hanging on right now.

Hey girls, I *really* need help.

My mom is bipolar and medicine (both modern and alternative) hasn't helped. Her psychiatrist is suggesting ECT (electroshock treatment) and I'm trying to research on it, because he's a shmuk and I don't trust a word he says.

If anyone can help me beyond wikipedia and the first pages of google, stuff you know about, experienced, have links on... I'll be grateful for anything, good or bad.

If you see this message more than once it's because I'm cross posting, I need a lot of help with this.

Thanks in advance.

Self Injury: A Struggle - Famous Self-Injurers [potentially triggering]

I was thinking about the upcoming Self-Injury Awareness Day, and I was wondering about famous people who have done SI, people who we look up to and admire. So I went searching, and I found a few interesting ones:

Johnny Depp
Alfred Kinsey (the guy who was the one of the first to find and publish statistics for human sexuality, among other things, like the Kinsey Scale)
Princess Diana
Angelina Jolie
Courtney Love
Marilyn Manson

Check out that first link. It has really interesting bios, written by the webmistress. I wonder about historical figures who have done SI.


Okay enough posting today! *scuttles off*

Er, I totally meant to do this two days ago but I got side tracked.

( kitties!Collapse )