+ the trip was great. the boy. THE boy.
+ I remembered hey, I have strong feelings for him.
+ I also have self-control. Even if it was hard and misconstruing.
- But the other one ignored me. I feel like I damaged something and now need to fix it.
- had a breakdown during last call at the bar when the house lights are going up and displaying your blotchy tear-stained face and your best friend is gripping your hands and telling you how amazing you are, fuck everything
- I didn't do enough literary stuff.
- too much alcohol.
- too much waiting around to make plans. too much commuting.
- and I lost my id and debit card.
- and the fucking blizarding snowstorm.
+ But, the first night in Harvard Square. And poker. And dancing.
+ holding hands in the snow. cuddling.
+ he still cares about me, incredibly enough.
+ and that made it all worth it.
Things I need to figure out now:
- do you go back to school and try to do all the things you didn't do this time around and realize you are doomed for a life of academia and teaching writing, while although isn't your end goal, is pretty much what all writers do and is a hell of a lot better than what you're doing now.
- how and why I am still hung up over these boys, and how to either: let them go or let it move towards something. Or conversely: how to feel something new for someone else.
- how to quit your job or at least put up with it till summer and not feel burnt out all the time and how to do little things every day that make you feel accomplished and working towards your goals.
- How to not feel burdened by life, how to feel love and joy like you did on the trip and know that you can find a life that's satisfying, you're capable of it, you're so independent and free and life=opportunity, and it's not merely about getting through it. take advantage!
