behindthetied

It's been a really long time since I've written anything in here. I basically just lurk tumblr constantly and rant as necessary. I've been down and out for lord knows how long. Every day just feels like it's getting a little worse, like that underlying feeling of doom, woe and instability is finding it's way back outward every minute of every day. I feel out of control, weak and scared constantly, my anxiety is almost always a constant problem now and I hardly want to roll out of bed. I feel much like I'm failing myself and everyone around me but I can't really put a stop to that. I've also been completely, stupidly irritable. I've been judgemental and easily ticked off or even easily broken down. Every other hour I feel like I'm on the verge of tears or the brink of another break down or about to rip someone's head off. I want to be better. I want to be the vibrant thing I used to be. I want to fucking me okay. But everytime I find something that makes me happy, cheers me up, I feel like that's just too silly or not reasonable or not enough, or it will begin to deteriorate as I internally break it down until even that hurts. Until there's nothing left.

I've been writing a lot though, as a distraction. (Not close to being anything good but at least I'm doing something.) And also listening to a lot of cobra and midtown, as per usual. They do make me smile, even if right now even that hurts.

As a sort of less emotional update: I had a job interview that flopped. It was awful and the woman was very pretentious. I can start applying for college in October for the May term. I get my car soon-ish (cavalier). I've driven on the road a few times. I hate television. Oh, and I've been all about making wishes and laying in my yard to watch the stars.

I want something to go right.

Edit:

I just remembered! I've also been having the strangest dreams. For a week straight I had nightmares every night that I can't really clearly remember (but don't really want to). The next week I woke up almost everyday with tears in my eyes. One of those dreams did include Gabe, who apparently sat down an decided to talk out what's been up with me lately. It was extremely real and he was too nice, really. Last night there was something similar but with Travis McCoy and I was trying to set up some kind of game for my brother and all his friends. It's been nonsensical, honest. I've been having spouts of not sleeping for almost days on end, and as of the past few days sleeping constantly - all day everyday.

behindthetied

So, this is totally going to be half-assed and probably has a million things missing but...that's what I get for waiting so long.

April 29th, 2009 - The day of THE SCENE.

Holy shit! Done. Getting ready to lurk on On Air with Ryan Seacrest for Cobra's new song in like...an hour :] Today WILL be good, I will make sure of that somehow, okay?

behindthetied

We're going to play catch up. Just a warning.
 

Overall, AMAZING day. And now I haven't the energy to begin my concert recap because that was long enough and I totally left shit out. I'll do that next. After I attempt writing drabble today. Wish me luck?

behindthetied

So I brought myself down tonight, I just sort of lurked about on the internet out of sheer boredom and somehow I'm reduced to feeling precisely how I did when I was ten years old. Let's not regress so much. I should be able to be pleased with things right now, right? I shouldn't think and rethink so much. Everything. I want to give it a fucking rest.

I want out. I want to sing and dance. I want to go to a movie or just sit and talk for hours on end. But then I want to read, I want to write. I always want something and it never feels like enough. What's up with me lately? Self degrading, self concious and just plain frustrating (to myself and everyone else).

Let's try something new.

This will be less shitty when I find the energy to be somewhat expressive and less vague. Maybe this'll bring on a new muse of sorts. Let's hope this change is for the better.

behindthetied

So here's what I've been working on for quite some time. Any errors/typos/whatever are because I definitely have not read through this monster yet :[ Also, it all began because of (see: can be blamed on) this here song, which you can listen to here, I spose.

Edit: Oh and hey, I'm only 2 and a half-ish hours over goal-time? :] Sweeet. That may be a good thing, anyway. Let bandom enjoy Brendon's birthday without this monstrocity to disturb that. Now. Angst time!

Disclaimer: This made me cry a little (just the planning, perhaps not the fic itself?). It's Gabe/Brendon (me and this pairing, man) and I guess a teeny bit Jon/Brendon too. Also, all that other nonsense you usually put here.

behindthetied

Short and stupid update.

Sissy went back because of some illness she has that I couldn't pronounce, nevermind spell. So who knows if and when she'll be back.

I'm still home though [to my somewhat surprise], because Ray is stepping up and he's even staying at Mom's.

Cindy stole me for like 2 days. We had funtimes.

I want my fucking hard drive algjalgajalkjg NO MORE OF THIS BULLSHIT.

General angst and flailage these passed few days. Fail.

Greg and Cindy later! That is all.

behindthetied

And I am having nostalgia. That is all.

P.S. I woke up with nice thoughts this morning. It was wonderful.