What is a Death Cafe Anyway?
By Sara Zavacki-Moore
I got the call on a Thursday afternoon asking me to help facilitate a Death Cafe later that evening due to a last-minute change in facilitator availability. Although I was no stranger to running groups over the course of my 20+ year career as a social worker, I was new to the Breast Cancer Coalition and I didn’t quite know what a Death Cafe was. My background in theatrical improvisation taught me to say, “Yes, and…” to unfamiliar things, and this was no exception.
The first time I’d visited the space a few weeks prior. I was struck by the warmth of the atmosphere and the kindness of the women working there. When I arrived that evening, I was given a brief explanation of what a Death Cafe is, as well as some written prompts in case the conversation stalled. Mimi Youngman defines a Death Cafe as a confidential group directed towards the discussion of death, with no specific agenda or objectives. It is an opportunity to increase awareness of death with a view of helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.
As the participants began to arrive, I mingled a bit until we broke up into groups. I began the conversation by asking who had participated in a Death Cafe before. About half of the group raised their hands. “What did you find helpful about it?” I asked. “What would you like to get out of tonight’s meeting?”
The next two hours were spent discussing what our society often considers to be a taboo subject: death. The candor and vulnerability were powerful. People talked about how difficult it was to broach the subject with their loved ones. It was as if their families and friends feared that discussing their wishes for honoring their memory out loud might jinx them into not surviving.
One woman mentioned her lifelong desire to travel. She lived paycheck to paycheck and was trying to save a bit of money to leave to her children in the future. She’d always wanted to visit Alaska. “Go to Alaska!” so many people piped up. “Do the things you have always wanted to do! Go live life! Cancer diagnosis or not, life is short and all of our days are numbered.”
I asked, “Since your diagnosis, have any of you gone ahead and pursued those types of dreams?” Several people spoke up. One older woman had always wanted to learn how to drum. She started lessons after retirement and was now in a band. Another took up beekeeping.
We spent time talking about the things they wanted others to know about them. The things they wanted to share with their loved ones. The legacies they wanted to leave behind. How they wanted to be uniquely remembered. People were eager to talk. There was so much they wanted to say. I didn’t need to pull out my list of prompts.
As we neared closing, a quiet woman spoke up. She talked about the good part of getting a diagnosis. How it changed her to become so much more aware of the fragility of life and how each moment was a blessing. The consensus of the group was clear. Live each of those moments to the fullest. Do the things you’ve always wanted to do. Don’t wait. Have the hard conversations and share your wishes and memories.
What I had incorrectly assumed would be a morbid and depressing conversation was sparked with moments of hope and laughter. Each person who shared was met with understanding and empathy. It was an honor to witness these glimpses of wisdom and hope and pain. Each life is filled with so many unique stories that deserve to be shared. If only we could normalize discussing death as a way of embracing a life lived to the fullest.
As a storyteller, I cherish every story that is shared with me. Each one is unique and sacred, filled with joy and sorrow, with pain and strength. Keep sharing your story. Talking about death is really a discussion about life. Let’s keep the discussion going.
Sara currently has a small private practice as a hypnotherapist in Rochester, NY (hypnohelpservices.com). She specializes in chronic pain and mindfulness. In her spare time, she enjoys theater, improv, singing and writing. Her novels, Choosing Charity and Tiny House of God, feature strong and resilient female characters.
Published June 22, 2026.
