TINY AT THE BAT
By Marc C. Sherman
Illustrated by Gabriel Schleifer
April 7, 2009
Memoirs Of A Disgruntled Attorney (c)2013
Curmudgeons, Conundrums and Druthers that Sail (c) 2019
Thesaurus Rex Publications, Ltd
The trainer was ready for the Mudville nine that day:
The shortstop stood five feet two, with all the power of Say Hey,
and then when Palmiero tested positive and A-Rod did the same,
The reporters started looking, for someone new to blame.
The tiny shortstop shot himself in the butt again that day. The crest
upon his baseball jersey bulged upon his unnatural breast;
He thought, "Since I met this trainer, I wield a mighty bat--
I’ll sign for the big money now, by virtue of my stat."
But Clemens lied in front of Congress, and Sosa claimed, “me no partake,”
And Roger was incredible, while Sammy lack of English was a fake;
And yet the tiny shortstop, who could no longer wear his hat,
Never gave a second thought to the chance that he would go splat.
But as players grew to enormous size, that made Killebrew look small,
The owners looked the other way, as hallowed records fall;
And suddenly it hit the fan, the numbers were absurd,
But the tiny shortstop didn’t care about the acne that it spurred.
Then one day his turn came, he’d give a sample as well;
As he tried to go, he noticed that his scrotum looked like hell;
He urinated in the jar, and figured that that was that,
For Tiny, mighty Tiny, was setting records with the bat.
There was a lumbering in Tiny's stride as his heart began to race;
As he passed the bathroom mirror he saw no resemblance to his face.
And when, ignoring all the kids, he’d never stop to wear his hat,
Never gave a second thought to the chance that he would go splat.
But as players grew to enormous size, that made Killebrew look small,
The owners looked the other way, as hallowed records fall;
And suddenly it hit the fan, the numbers were absurd,
But the tiny shortstop didn’t care about the acne that it spurred.
Then one day his turn came, he’d give a sample as well;
As he tried to go, he noticed that his scrotum looked like hell;
He urinated in the jar, and figured that that was that,
For Tiny, mighty Tiny, was setting records with the bat.
There was a lumbering in Tiny's stride as his heart began to race;
As he passed the bathroom mirror he saw no resemblance to his face.
,
For who were they to talk to him , he was Tiny at the bat.
But that day he tested positive, his fans were deeply hurt;
The NY Post reporter wrote, “He’s nothing but a squirt.”
Years from now the Hall of Fame will decide his name to skip,
Because Tiny off Steroids was no bigger than a microchip.
1924: Senators over Giants 1940: Reds over Tigers 1952: Yankees over Dodgers 1956: Yankees over Dodgers 1960: Pirates over Yankees 1968: Tigers over Cardinals 1972: A’s over Reds 2016: Cubs over Indians
The trainer was ready for the Mudville nine that day: The shortstop stood five foot two, with all the power of Say Hey, and then when Palmero tested positive and A-Rod did the same, The reporters started looking, for someone new to blame.
The tiny shortstop shot himself in the butt again that day. The crest upon his baseball jersey bulged upon his unnatural breast; He thought, "Since I met this trainer, I wield a mighty bat-- I’ll sign for the big money now, by virtue of my stat."
But Clemens lied in front of Congress, and Sosa claimed, “me no partake,” And Roger was incredible, while Sammy lack of English was a fake; And yet the tiny shortstop, who could no longer wear his hat, Never gave a second thought to the chance that he would go splat.
But as players grew to enormous size, that made Killebrew look small, The owners looked the other way, as hallowed records fall; And suddenly it hit the fan, the numbers were absurd, But the tiny shortshop didn’t care about the acne that it spurred.
Then one day his turn came, he’d give a sample as well; As he tried to go, he noticed that his scrotum looked like hell; He urinated in the jar, and figured that that was that, For Tiny, mighty Tiny, was setting records with the bat.
There was a lumbering in Tiny's stride as his heart began to race; As he passed the bathroom mirror he saw no resemblance to his face. And when, ignoring all the kids, he’d never stop to chat, For who were they to talk to him , he was Tiny at the bat.
But that day he tested positive, his fans were deeply hurt; The NY Post reporter wrote, “He’s nothing but a squirt.” Years from now the Hall of Fame will decide his name to skip, Cause Tiny off of Steroids was no bigger than a microchip.
I recently read about the independent Can-Am League's plan to cut extra-innings games short with a novel rule that's been seen in international play; place a base-runner on second at the start of the 11th inning. The rule is an extact replication of the tie-breaker introduced by the International Baseball Federation.
I have noticed that baseball introduced to new international markets have been trying some extreme measures to cut down on the time expended on a game. The short-lived Israel Baseball League, for example, played no extra innings, instead settling the score with a home-run derby. That's also how we did it in the neighborhood games as a kid. :)
To reconcile the purity of the game with a need to economize the time of the spectators, the is the option of shutting off stadium lights and calling the game on account of darkness.
MLB-centric baseball boards rarely post NPB developments, so this may be the first you've heard about the Japanese homerun record being shattered. About half a day ago, Wladimir Balentien of the Tokyo Yakult Swallows became the first NPBer to launch a 60th tater in a season. His dinger off former Mariner Randy Messengers wasn't enough to prevail in the days game, as the Tigers overcame the Swallows, 3-2.
Balentien's record comes with a scandal, as these things always do, for NPB Commissioner Ryozo Kato resigned in the wake of revelations that the league secretly introduced a slugger-friendly "juiced" ball for the season.
Playoffs are just around the corner, and if you have a favorite team or have been following one of the teams in the hunt rather well, then feel free to write up a little ditty about them going into the final days of the season.
If your team's already been covered, feel free to write your own anyway. We can't get enough posts in this community as-is, so it's all good. Or if you have anything to add to the team covered, by all means, chime in with your take in the comments!
I've been watching a lot of the Tigers this year, so I'll do the hometown team for starters.
Key Players: Miguel Cabrera Prince Fielder Torii Hunter Victor Martinez Max Scherzer Justin Verlander Jose Iglesias Joaquin Benoit
Team Strengths: 1. Miguel Cabrera 2. League-leading offense 3. Starting Pitching supreme
Team Weaknesses: 1. Relief pitching leading up to the closer 2. Catching, more specifically... throwing out baserunners 3. Pretty low base-stealing capability
Team Question Mark: Justin Verlander
Summary: Detroit will most likely finish out on top of the AL Central, and the team has a pretty good shot at returning to the World Series representing the American League. The Tigers offense is the MLB's arguable-best offense in the league, and as a whole, Tigers starters arguably rank as the best starting five out of any team likely to enter the post-season.
In short, not many places. But there are weak spots. The team is doing pretty well in terms of fielding, hitting, and pitching, but if you're going to tag the Tigers for some runs, you should do it after their starter gives way to the relief.
Overall, this team is definitely worth the Vegas love, in terms of their chances of being in the World Series. But this is baseball, and stranger things have happened. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't get to the Series, honestly, since there's more than a couple other dangerous teams in the running. The team didn't exactly have much success against either Texas or Oakland this year, and the Tigers are likely to face at least one of those clubs in the playoffs. But I like their chances, not just in terms of making it to the World Series, but also to win the Series. I haven't had this special feeling about the team since that magical '84 Tigers season, seriously. I feel like this team is almost always in the game. Save that one recent game vs. the A's where the team tagged Detroit for a .467 BA and whooped 'em 14-4, it's an every-night feeling, just like it's an every-night feeling that Miggy will do something special. They're playing some solid baseball, that's for sure.
In tonight's game Joey Votto make a put out at first for the second out of the inning with runners then on 2nd and 3rd. Votto apparently thought that was the third out as he jogged past the pitcher's mound towards the 3rd base visitor's dugout at Busch before a teammate called time. Announcers in both the home and away booths made the comment "It's a good thing that he didn't toss the ball into the stands."
What would have happened had he tossed the ball into the stands?
What was interesting to me was the talk about how Arte Moreno is running the franchise. He allows for a ton of expenditure on guys like Pujols and Hamilton, but none of the players seem to fit. And the team itself clearly has issues regarding their own clubhouse harmony, as demonstrated by this tale of how Torii Hunter and Albert Pujols almost got to blows last season.
This really sucks for Angels fans. That's a lot of payroll for not a lot of production.
One thing I can say ... Torii's an absolute joy to have on the Tigers. Detroit's clubhouse appears very warm ... everyone seems to have bonded quite well this year. And Torii seems to be a big part of that big happy family atmosphere. Of course, the Tigers are winning too, which has a large part in the reason why everything's so hunky-dory right now. But I've seen some frosty clubhouses in the past, despite the winning records, so it's not always roses and sunshine in proportion to the winning percentage.
