{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy","title":"blind, warm, ecstatic","subtitle":"aviy","author":{"name":"aviy"},"link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"service.feed","type":"application\/x.atom+xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom","title":"blind, warm, ecstatic"}}],"updated":"2010-04-14T19:10:04Z","entry":[{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:262119","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/262119.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=262119"}}],"title":"SUPER PRETENTIOUS RP ADVERT","published":"2010-04-14T05:05:07Z","updated":"2010-04-14T19:10:04Z","content":"WE ARE READY TO ROLL. PEOPLE WHO WANT TO PLAY SHOULD SEND IN THEIR APPS.




\"\"<\/td><\/tr>
Wars are often fought, and often forgotten, and on Arbas al Uat this is not simply a fact of life, but life itself.

Pulled away from worlds, families, and missions they do not remember, twenty teams of Blanks fought against each other. They made alliances and enemies, killed and died, and in the end one team stood victorious over the rest. They were returned their memories. They were returned to their homes.

That was eleven rounds ago. At the start of the twelfth round of the War, only nine teams yet remain. Once again they have forgotten everything but the fleeting sense of camaraderie with their own team, and the instilled distrust of all others. This is War, after all, and even without recollection of the previous eleven rounds, they tire of the endless loop. Fight, steal, deal, survive, and always always try to get ahead. To be better means to escape. The best teams won early, and escaped long ago, but now to be the best of the worst still means a chance at freedom. At home.
<\/td><\/tr>

\u2609 Arbas al Uat<\/a> - A Multi-fandom Amnesiac Gang-War RP \u2609<\/b>

The Network<\/a> \u2609 Arbas OOC<\/a>

Applications<\/a> are OPEN<\/b><\/big>

<\/td><\/tr>\n\n
\u2609 Player Information

Introduction<\/a>
Rules and Conduct<\/a>

Applications<\/a>
Cinis Apps<\/a>
Taken Characters<\/a>
Team Request Page<\/a>

Unit Directory<\/a>
Unit Ranks<\/a>
Mission Request Page<\/a>
Memory Registry<\/a>
Stats and Power Retention<\/a><\/td>\n<\/small>\n		\u2609 World Information

Instilled Memories<\/a>
Unit Inventories<\/a>
Maps, Territories and World Description<\/a>
Flora and Fauna<\/a>
Memory Game Info<\/a>
Q&A<\/a>


Cinis Info Page<\/a>
Cinis Private<\/a><\/small>

<\/table>
<\/td><\/tr><\/table><\/font><\/font><\/font><\/font>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:261859","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/261859.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=261859"}}],"title":"WOW I HAVE NOT USED THIS IN FOREVER","published":"2010-04-12T07:12:28Z","updated":"2010-04-12T07:12:28Z","content":"And that will probably continue to be so =|a

BUT FIRST. PIMPIN.

CLICK HERE<\/a>

A memory loss game where characters only know they have been stuck fighting A War against other teams, round after round. Twenty teams gradually dwindling to only nine as the winner of each round is given freedom and allowed to return to whoever they once were.

Kind of frustrating for the ones left behind though! Who must re-establish bonds with their teams, and fight people who they can't quite<\/i> remember why they hate.

Panfandom, emphasizes on letting characters build relationships with people in the game just as important as the ones they might have discovered in their canon. Both among friends and enemies. Gameplay itself involved gang war over resources on an alien planet, with mongler characters running 'games' to spice things up\/let the winning teams get a leg up.

RUN BY ME. And if you are reading this I would SUPER love to see you there. Character reservations are open until the start of game, and game will actually start once I have enough people to play.

Come play with Aviyyyyy"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:261504","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/261504.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=261504"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-09-15T01:18:00","published":"2009-09-15T05:21:54Z","updated":"2009-09-15T05:21:54Z","content":"OKAY GUYS

LAST WARNING

MELTING POT DINNER AT AWA INSTRUCTIONS<\/a><\/b>

I have SECURED RESERVATIONS and on Wednesday I must confirm the final head count. If you or someone you know wanted to attend and has not visited that post an told me so, they will have no seat and are going to be stuck eating mall chinese food while the rest of us eat delicious fondue.

ONCE AGAIN. Remember to secure taxis not-fifteen-minutes-before. My taxi experience with Atlanta is that they do not magically appear out of no where and exactly on time as much as one might wish they would."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:261150","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/261150.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=261150"}}],"title":"AWA 2009 MELTING POT DINNER PLANNING. RSVP HERE.","published":"2009-09-11T22:58:31Z","updated":"2009-09-11T23:38:32Z","content":"OKAY GUYS, It is time to plan delicious dinner for those attending AWA who want to go to Melting Pot<\/b>.

First of all, let me catch you up on some details.

Dinner will be at 7pm on Friday, the 18th<\/b>. I think doing the dinner on Saturday would be a bit too in the middle of the con, and any earlier on Friday and a lot more people would miss it. I'm very firm on Friday, but if people think a few hours earlier or later would be a better idea, let me know.

Expect to spend around $50 dollars<\/b>. My original estimate was rather conservative, but I was expecting picking out each cheese and entree individually. When I called to make reservations, I got redirected by a manager and introduced to their Large Party Menu and Large Party Contract. What this essentially means is that I agree to give them the best estiment of number of people I can, and they prepare One entree which is served to the entire table (isntead of ten or twelve different ones). The price is determined by the entree, and each person pays the same price. What cheeses you get, what dessert you get, and refillable soda, tea or coffee, are included in this charge. I've selected the cheapest entree, which is 39$. This does not include gratuity. So unless service really sucks (it's Melting Pot, it probably won't) expect your check to be around 47$.

Dinner Takes A Long Time<\/b>. Plan at least 3 hours.

Be Punctual<\/b>. Service WILL start fifteen minutes after I schedule the reservations, so you may want to aim to arrive a little more around 6:45 incase of bad traffic\/hold ups\/getting lost. There is a Very Good Chance I will choose to just arrange for a taxi ahead of time, myself, since I haaaate driving in Atlanta. Plan ahead accordingly!

That said, I actually feel waaaaay better about this now that I have been directed to these helpful things. I feel more like Melting Pot can Definitely Handle A Group Of Excited Young Adults, and will keep up their end of everything so that we can have an excellent and delicious dinner. Also like once we arrive there, the only thing you'll have to pick out is your salad and your drink, so we won't hold ourselves up an extra hour peering at menus and trying to calculate prices. However, there is no 'split an entree with a friend to hobo the prices down' option. If you show up you have to pay the same as everyone else (or find someone in your debt to buy you expensive dinner).

SO! If you've read all that, HERE IS THE INFORMATION I NEED FROM YOU:



1) NOW, this isn't exactly signing a contract, but I want to be as close to the number of people who I reserve for and who actually get to the restaurant as possible. They will be understanding if two or three people don't show up, but probably less so if half the party doesn't get there. If you are only a probably\/maybe, let me know HOW probably\/maybe in comments below so I can mention it to the managers when I make reservations.

The rest of the poll is for casting your votes as far the cheese course, the cooking style of the entree, and the dessert course. I will copy\/paste the relevant information above each poll:

2) Cheese course is apples, chips, vegetables and a variety of breads which you dip into your cheese selections:

Cheddar Cheese Fondue<\/b>
Aged, medium-sharp Cheddar and Emmenthaler cheeses, lager beer, garlic and seasonings.
Traditional Swiss Cheese Fondue<\/b>
Gruyere and Emmenthaler Swiss cheeses, white wine, a touch of garlic, nutmeg, fresh lemon and Kirchwasser.
Fiesta Cheese Fondue<\/b>
Cheddar cheese with the flavor of Mexican herbs, spices, jalapeno peppers, and salsa. Served with crisp tortilla chips\u2026 and we\u2019ll make it as spicy as you like.
Wisconsin Cheese Trio<\/b>
Creamy Fontina and Butterkase, as well as Buttermilk Bleu Cheese with white wine, fresh scallions and a hint of sherry.

3) There is also a oil cooking style where they provide batters to dip your food in and basically fry it. This is delicious and it will be the second option. The first three up there are all good, so pick what sounds interesting to you. Keep in mind that this is is the entree you'll be cooking:
The Novice<\/b> $39 per person<\/i>
New York Strip, Teriyaki Sirloin, Marinated Pork Tenderloin, Pot stickers, White Shrimp, and French Quarter Breast of Chicken (as well as fresh broccoli, mushrooms, new potatoes and squash, and possibly other seasonable veggies).

Coq Au Vin<\/b>
Flavors of fresh herbs, mushrooms, garlic, imported spices and Burgundy wine.
Court Bouillon<\/b>
Homemade, seasoned vegetable broth that is full of flavor while low in salt and cholesterol free.
Mojo Style<\/b>
Caribbean seasoned bouillon has a distinctive garlic and citrus flair.

4) Finally! Dessert. Dessert is a plate of cakes, marshmallows and fruits which you dip into chocolate:

The Original<\/b>
The original recipe features our signature milk chocolate with a swirl of crunchy peanut butter.
Flaming Turtle<\/b>
Milk chocolate, caramel and chopped pecans, flamb\u00e9ed tableside
Disaranno Meltdown<\/b>
Silky white chocolate swirled with Amaretto and flamb\u00e9ed tableside
Yin and Yang<\/b>
Half dark and half white chocolate, artfully swirled in the same pot for the special mix of flavors
Bailey\u2019s Irish Cream Dream<\/b>
Milk chocolate swirled with Bailey\u2019s Irish Cream
Pure Chocolate<\/b>
Dark, white or milk chocolate melted for the most pure of all chocolate fondues.


View Poll: Going to Melting Pot<\/a><\/div><\/a>


FINALLY<\/b>. Feel free to ask me any questions here before filling out the poll, but keep in mind I want to call in the reservations ASAP. They don't seem to be worried about losing enough seating for us, but if they DO well that would suck =|

ETA:<\/b> Here is the WEBSITE<\/a> for the restaurant we'll be at. Go here for a map\/phone numbers\/directions whatever. Feel free to call the restaurant. They are very classy and helpful."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:260898","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/260898.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=260898"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-08-12T10:03:00","published":"2009-08-12T14:05:35Z","updated":"2009-08-12T14:05:35Z","content":"asdfdngedsgj (dgm spoilers)<\/a>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:260823","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/260823.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=260823"}}],"title":"May - August 7 art dump","published":"2009-08-07T22:39:53Z","updated":"2009-08-07T22:59:54Z","content":"

FIRST, stuff where I just took manga and copied out of them to try to draw like awesome people who draw awesome:



D.Gray! Or rather, Allen and Ticky =|



Of the most excellent Templar, AZ<\/a>. I loooooooove Spike's art.



I need to buy more Air Gear volumes just so I can draw more from it =| Other stuff in the corners.



Samura my bff )=



If you haven't heard of Jack Frost, it's Hellsing and Air Gear's hilarious bastard child.



I REALLY WANT TO DRAW MORE DOGS NOW THAT I REALIZE I DIDN'T DRAW ANY. I got distracted by the fact that it has absolutely no background work and it made me sad inside. The second one was just doodling and I noticed it kind of looked like Ed and ran with it.

I'VE ALSO done some FMA art and some Hellsing and uuuh. idk. other things. But that was before I had a sketchbook and was drawing on lined paper so it's off somewhere.



NOT PARTICULARLY GOOD ART WISE but you see, in Sabra la Tau (a roleplay) Zack has these two giant metal claws from a T-Rex. But he doesn't have the abilities to fasten a handle for them. So I wanted to show roughly how he uses them. He also needs to make the sheath as shown there, because right now he just carries them around.



More Sabra stuff. Trying to get Zack's features down on the upper left. Slick and Red (Ticky and Rabi) having a conversation about how Rabi fails at girls from Sabra. The note there says \"I managed to make both Ticky and Rabi not<\/i> hot!\" Which is mostly how I feel about that =| UH. Bottom left was an attempt to draw Jace from his PB icons. Middle is 'lolo my dog died ;;' and bottom right was an attempt to work out Jace from his EXTREMELY UNHELPFUL official art icons.

That's almost all of the stuff that isn't really mine. THE REST, outside a couple of warm up doodles, is original \/o\/ I'll be TALKING ABOUT A FEW OF THEM



First time I drew Dij! At the time he was called Dyo but I fixed that. Anyway. I rather hated his design but for some reason kept drawing it anyway?



This is from shortly after that. I decided I hadn't started working on a new manga in a while and would just draw things and see what happened. Dyo is now Dij and Rino is now Jackal. Copper is still Copper, I haven't decided how I want his hair to look. I kind of like the tilted corn rows but need to work the logics out for it? This is also where I went \"Man it's fun to draw Dij with vastly differing expressions, maybe he's crazy =|a\".



Copper has a twin brother! Well, actually in this world everyone is born with a twin, they're just killed after a year or so. (Infanticide! Yay!). Rohl, shown here, was carried away by his dad and I don't know much else about him yet. I haven't drawn him since because it's JUST LIKE DRAWING COPPER (Hard) and even more work. IDK who the blond guy is. I kind of like the look but it's really just a failure of trying to draw someone else.



Let's see. Embarrassing attempt at drawing bodies from a few months ago. You'll notice I am currently mostly sticking to heads. I'LL GET There. I do like Dij's homosexual expression tho =| In the one where Copper is sitting Dij was supposed to be leaning on him but that was hard. Aaand Jackal! Attempting bodies with the help of a ref.




Getting more into the EXCITING TERRITORY of Dij Is A Psychopath. That far left image is my favorite picture of him yet, and is what he'd look like all the time if I were able to draw consistently\/reproduce the effect =| He has bandages on his hands because they are sort of diseased, more on that later. But as a result he fights with his legs and is not above crushing someone's skull in with his elbow. Middle picture! Unfinished, I worked at it for a while before going \\o\/ and moving on. I also forgot that Dij shouldn't be using his hands. I'll redraw it one day with that fixed. Also they're friends I swear.



THE DAY I FIGURED OUT HOW TO HEADS PROFILE. SHIT I WAS EXCITED I CAN'T TELL YOU



Originally Dij's hands were burned. That was hard to draw. So was Ticky\/Allen porn.



IDK stuff.



VARIOUS CHARACTER DESIGNS:



First chick isn't really anyone. Girl in pigtails is Rahal. She's one of the PEOPLE IN DIJ'S HEAD. Which is to say, Dij has all of his previous lives in his head, thanks to a science experiment gone wrong (right??). Twenty-eight of them represent various virtues, as the goal of the people of this particular version of Hell is to become angelic and be accepted by God, and in order to do this they try to become virtuous. The system is a little broken, but in attempting to take an already Very Close To Ascending guy like Dij and make him an angel, they opened up all of his past lives to himself, and made him sort of crazy. Rahal here is the virtue of Temperance. Also! Dij's mother and a midboss chick. I promise she will be interesting and a fully functional and independent awesome female eventually =| As it is, i wanted to draw that kind of hair.



The hand is CLOSER to what Dij's hands actually look like. He's a victim of a particular virus that dehydrates everything it comes in contact with, very slowly. The black chick is an early design of Copper's mom, didn't like the hair.



SOME MORE SAMURA ON THE LEFT THERE. On the right a totally awesome hairdo.



Copper's mom has a name! Etepnica. Some various other stuff. The little girl in the lower right is Nashta, another one of the people in Dij's head. Her virtue is Valor. And then the chick there is for the virtue Beauty, buuuuuuut idk if I'm keeping that design I was just screwing around. Also I should probably start designing men for his head too. Guys are just harder =|"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:260203","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/260203.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=260203"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-05-21T18:22:00","published":"2009-05-21T22:23:47Z","updated":"2009-05-22T01:22:20Z","content":"Does anyone have the Disturbed album, Land of Confusion, they can rip\/upload\/whatnot for me? =| I will love you. iTunes does not offer it >|<\/s>

NM. I got the album name wrong. Which is why I couldn't find it. HO HO HO."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:259937","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/259937.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=259937"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-04-19T03:57:00","published":"2009-04-19T07:58:06Z","updated":"2009-04-19T07:58:06Z","content":"I would like to take a moment to pimp an RP called Sabra la Tau<\/a>.

For the record I have no idea what the name actually means.

ANYWAY. Sabra is on Inksome, one of many LJ spin offs. The bonuses of this are... you get up to 150 icons FOR FREE. The non-bonuses are that... the default is blue, and most of the default journal options are pretty ugly. But for basic RPing it more than serves it's purposes and I actually got used to the blue.

Sabra itself... the PREMISE IS your character finds themselves in an underground, cave system\/city thing. There is a Large Arena and some abandoned buildings. No food sources other than that which you gather or hunt yourself. Your character finds themselves as one in a group of four. Each unit has a color and name association. Your character has no memories.

Thus they are a Blank. They have a telescope like tube which gives them a brief message from the person they were, and then \"I do this willingly\". The overall premise is that in order for your character to get their memories back, they will play games hosted by Judges.

The Judges are basically gods, who host games according to their interests and personalities. SO FAR in Sabra we have had to do everything from kill a member of another team, to play Apples to Apples, or make up a story, or navigate a maze. The winning team is given back a memory.

AS YOU COULD GUESS, this makes for pretty interesting gameplay. Not having memories may change your character a lot, or not so much! I play Rin of Blade of the Immortal. I looooooooooooove Rin, but she isn't vastly different from her canon, she's just uh. A little less hard core and a little more girly and wanting to be taken care of )= But then we have a Sephiroth. Who is. You know. Sane. And a decent, if kind of awkward, human being.

Oh and we have Dilandau, who is (SPOILER!) a girl.

FOR THE MOST PART, the Blanks all get along. They choose names for themselves (or have them choosen), and form relationships they might not form if they had their memories.

It's a very SLOW PACED GAME. I am talking about it here because I WANT YOU TO COME PLAY. But the slow paced-ness is important to note. If you RP elsewhere, Sabra is unlikely to be a primary for you. But it is a very fun, easy going secondary. Games are roughly once a week, and between those you're welcome to do whatever you want. Time flows according to our will. Which is to say, if someone makes a post on monday and says it is morning in game. Someone else can make a post on Thursday and say it's only the afternoon of the same day. Or it can be the next day entirely. UP TO YOU. It leads to more realistic relationship building that happens at our own pace. Where characters can talk several times a day, instead of just once or twice a week at best, and then you assume they are just... keeping up with it when you can't really play them off screen all the time.

SO WHY SHOULD YOU JOIN THIS GAME.

Well. If you like the idea of playing a favorite character of yours with no memories! There is a TWO CHARACTER PER PLAYER LIMIT, so that things don't get heavily bogged down, and so people do play their characters if they are in the game. The emphasis is on relationship and personality building, but since most of the characters have no memories and time moves slowly, the direction is... focused inward? These relationships are the ONLY ONES THESE PEOPLE HAVE right now, so they are all important, but that doesn't mean they are all serious.

YOU SHOULD ALSO JOIN THIS GAME CUZ YOU CAN PLAY WITH ME

But yeah no it's mostly a non-plot, character driven. Thing. interaction and exploration. There are not funny effects, or much meta. It's just play. So if you like threads that are just based around interaction, and learning more about your characters and watching them grown and all THAT STUFF. And if you are okay with\/prefer a slow pace. It's probably a good RP for you.

BUT AVIY. you say. BUT AVIY I HATE APPING.

No problem! The apps are very laid back. There is no vote. The mods just read it and say yes or no. You don't have to write a huge app. Infact, the back story can't really be more than 300 words and the personality sections only need be a paragraph or too. It's pretty zen and laid back, and you can app\/reapp as fast and as soon as you want. It's a little slow to get in, because people only get in A) as a unit (so there needs to be four new people) or B) when someone drops and your character fills their space. But RUSHING IS NOT A PART OF SABRA. So.

Let's see, the other thing is that most of the game stuff is pretty player run. Which is to say, you are welcome to create your OWN Judge and run games, if you want to get things moving a bit. Not recommended to do immediately, of course. But once you're settled you can pitch an idea at the mods and then you are set to run games o\/ And there aren't reaaaally any rules, other than that which upholds the spirit of the game. So obviously you can't give away memories willy-nilly. But games can be childish and simple, or complicated, or violent or dramatic or......whatever you want, really.

Uuuuuuuuh what else idk ask me questions OR JUST GO JOIN also the apping isn't especially anonymous as far as I know so talk to me about who you want to play so I can top you into joining o\/"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:259776","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/259776.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=259776"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-04-17T01:54:00","published":"2009-04-17T05:55:44Z","updated":"2009-04-17T05:55:44Z","content":"I did say I would try to update this more now. And it just so happens I need to vent a bit if I'm going to manage to stop stewing so I can get a few hours of sleep before work.

In my last post, I mentioned that I love my job. I think I need to point out that even as I typed that then, I thought, \"I should not type this or something will happen\". Listen to that inner voice, guys.

You see, this job has had a lot of severe ups and downs for me. When it going well, it is great. When it isn't, I freak out and stress out and want to quit and run away. I hit that low point roughly every two weeks when, like clock work, someone complains about me.

Now you see. I am generally good at most things I do. Not to be an arrogant bitch or anything, but I believe the key to most things is to apply yourself. However, I am simply not a good security guard.

Funny, isn't it? It's a job where you do nothing. But the key points of being a security guard are primarily things I lack. A) I am not observant. B) I am not confident, stoic, or a stonewall. C) I am not intimidating nor do I look like someone you should feel safe around. D) I am physically incapable of doing nothing for a long period of time.

Feature A I could work on. Being alert is something you can learn. Feature C is a good deal harder. I have come partway on that, but I am still a fat white girl who tends to look on the frumpy side no matter what, and nothing is really going to change that. Well, you know, sort of losing weight and getting physically fit but uh. It's a nine dollar an hour job, guys. N. Feature B is referring to the fact that when you are a security guard in a place where people don't want to follow the rules, there will frequently be people that want to challenge you or get mad at you, and you have to let it roll off of you. I am not good at this. D is just me, and not particularly a part of me I want to change, though I suppose I could. I am HAPPY to have ten hours where I need to make sure people stay off their cell phones, keep an eye on the doors, and otherwise read a book or write. But to actually sit one place for ten hours and do nothing but watch a door and the twenty or so people in the nearby rooms? Uuuhn. It may be a ridiculous thing to complain about (it's so easy! it's practically free money!). But it's not. It's money for misery<\/i>. I would rather be a cashier pretty much anywhere. I would rather do mindless data entry. I would rather file, shelve books, or do just about anything than nothing.

That said. We're allowed to read books. OUR CLIENT HAS SAID SO. So I read books. There were issues over cell phones previously? So after some pissing and grouching I pretty much stopped using my cell phone. Tuesday I sent like three text messages to a friend ten minutes before the building closed, when there was no one in<\/i> the building. That's it.<\/i>

Yet apparently today someone called to complain about how I'm not doing my job because I spend ALL DAY just TEXTING ON MY PHONE.

???

So now work sucks again and I'm stressing.

I don't know how to... I don't know why<\/i> exactly. I think it upsets me because I know I'm not a good security guard, but goddamn it I am at least following the rules. Much better than plenty of other security guards, mind you. And let me point out that the rules for the building are aggravating and horrible. I'm supposed to keep clients off the cell phones when the staff are allowed to use theirs? Why?<\/i> They won't tell me, I can't tell anyone else. It doesn't matter if I and everyone in the building things the rule is absurd, I have to uphold it in the face of angry black mothers. Who then call my boss and complain that I am racist for telling them to get off their phone<\/i>.

Also... I don't know.

I get along better with men IRL, it seems. Like, as a comprehensive gender? I have never worked in a predominantly female place. But this building only has one regular male worker. Everyone else is female. Most of the clients that come are female as well. But while the women who work there always seem friendly, they are apparently not so much. I've become aware of gossip lately.

I.... I have never partaken in gossip much. While I will share my opinion if discussing a situation with a friend, these are generally opinions I would share just as willingly\/not deny to the person talked about. I do not, however, go up to someone who I am only acquainted with and talk about someone else I am only acquainted with and speculate in a negative fashion... and then go do it again with more people. I definitely<\/i> do not call up people at odd hours of the nights specifically to have these conversations.

I have never really partaken in gossip, and so never really been aware of it. I was aware of it in a fictional manner, where I have heard<\/i> how it can be. But this is the first time I've truly seen it in action. You can not DO anything in this building, you can not SAY anything, without it coming back to you in some weird, around and around the grapevine fashion. If I mention a former worker's name at 8 AM, by noon apparently people think she's going to be working here again.

There was an incident where my site captain lying\/joking told me he was getting one site that was waaaaaaay out of his league. I mentioned this lie\/joke to my boss in the vicinity of a woman. My boss and I laughed at this lie\/joke and forgot about it. That night, while on her shift, said woman got on her cell phone and called my site captain to tell him how I had told our boss that he wasn't doing well (or something???) and the next day my site captain talked to me, rather concerned and upset, that I had gone to complain about him to our boss without talking to him first.

Situations similar to this happen frequently. In this case the woman in question actually works with the security guard company, and is apparently a two faced whore he acts completely nice and wonderful and oh so Christian<\/i> when you're looking at her, and then spends her night shifts spreading rumors and making up gossip for unknown reasons.

However, that's just how I'm learning how this shit works. Because I see it happen around the work place too. She said this, she said, I heard, etc. And for some reason people pass by my desk and tell ME and god damn<\/i> I just wish they didn't even know I was there. I don't give a shit.

But I feel a little like it's destroying my soul.

And that tangented a lot and I'm sure it seems like it doesn't make any sense. As far as I know the complaint is just one specific woman (who has complained numerous of times over things which didn't actually happen). But I feel like the gossipy bitch air of the place is fostering this view where it is acceptable to be pleasant to someone's face (NO ONE there is rude to me to my face) and then try to get them fired behind their back.

And I want to let it just roll off of me. But I can't. Because it's always my fault even if I haven't done anything wrong. If someone complains, something has to be changed. We must please EVERYONE, even the condescending, lying bitch who is making things up because she felt a spot of irritation and wanted to take it out on someone. Tomorrow I'm being written up for being on my cellphone during shift when I wasn't. I'm going to refuse to sign it, but the fact that it's happening is very... insulting. I'm used to working in places where your bosses stand beside you. Now, even though I know that my bosses like me and are good people, I'm still being regulated to this ridiculous process where we must be people pleasers.

And it's upsetting and it makes me sad and I can't just make it roll off of me because, by actions, according to everyone it is my fault. And even when it is admitted that it isn't my fault, I must still shoulder the blame. It's never acceptable to just say \"M'am I've spoken to the guard and she assures me she did not do that and I trust her\".

In most customer service jobs, 'customers are stupid' is just a given. You'll always get a bitch at the register who you have to smile at and deal with. But as soon as they leave your coworkers are like \"Jeez, what the hell crawled up her ass\"? And even if the lady made you miserable you feel vindicated that others agree it wasn't you, it's them.

In this case, it's apparently me.

Even if it's not really.

And I'm just tired, because this literally happens every two weeks. And I deal with a little better every time. But it still pretty much ruins my day."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:259367","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/259367.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=259367"}}],"title":"That one time at zombie camp...","published":"2009-04-14T22:32:01Z","updated":"2009-04-14T22:32:01Z","category":[{"@attributes":{"term":"joy"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"life"}},{"@attributes":{"term":"rp"}}],"content":"Today, idly enough, I considered dropping out of CFUD completely.

And in doing so, realized that I could do it<\/i>.

I joined camp in May of 2005, that puts me just shy of my four year mark. That's longer than I stayed in highschool, guys. Do you realize what an odd realization that is? Infact, that's longer than anything I've ever willingly committed to.

And in all that time, leaving camp was never actually an option.

Which, I suppose, sounds kind of sad. But I came to camp at a time in my life when I wasn't really very happy. I had very little social network online that wasn't within an MMO, and had gradually fallen away from pretty much everyone I'd cared about in earlier years. I was also like nineteen and full of teenagerness.

Meanwhile! Camp was... surprisingly easy for me. I flew under the radar for a while, but determined that I wanted to be noticed in this community, to make friends and have fun, so I went out of my way to be present and visible and hoped that people would like what they saw. I made friends quickly, people who I have now known for nearly four years. I met someone that became my roommate! At a time when I surely thought I would not ever know anyone willing to live with me.

And I became... very in love with a lot things, characters especially.

I have often had issues with things that happen at camp. But who doesn't when something is close to them? And I realize how overdramatic it sounds to be so attached to a role play online, but it's been an important place to me. I have loved<\/i> that place, and I know that even decades from now I will look back on camp fondly, the way people who did better with rl peers than I look fondly on highschool. Camp has been<\/i> my beautiful youth, full of friends and acquaintances and annoyances and experiences and insight. And realizing that, in a way, makes me feel complete and okay with a lot of the things I missed that other people had; never going to prom, not finishing or even remembering much of highschool, generally being a failure in most of the ways, good, red blood americans would deem one a failure.

So I couldn't leave! I didn't want<\/i> to, the very thought hurt my heart to breaking. The relationships I've watched build over the years, the thought and time I'd put into my characters, the under-reality of the fact that, yes okay, in a way these are real people to me and in some cases I don't want<\/i> to let them return to their 'real' lives. Or in others just the fact that I'd grown so attached I could not. I understand we're breeching into the territory of 'Aviy is kind of crazy' here, but fiction has a life and importance to me. Not... an obsession or a delusion. Just... importance. And this is an importance I've put years<\/i> into.

Not to mention all the potential for more.

There is also the separation from the people, but that is less of an issue, because I can still be reached. I'm not really going anywhere. I take from this a network of relationships unlike any I've ever had. I'm quite sure many of the people I met first from camp are people I will still be talking to and meeting up with five or ten years from now. And that is amazing.

I'm dropping because I can. Because today I thought of it and realized that I would not cry, it would not break my heart. I can leave. I'm done here.

I'm not upset. I'm fantastic<\/i>. Guys! I'm an adult! My life is not perfect but it's pretty great. I have come to love my job, which forcibly sets aside thirty hours a week where I can not be at the computer. Today I finished a new (not having read before) sci-fi\/fantasy novel for the first time in uhhhh I don't remember how long. And I liked it! And it's an epic series with five more HUGE BOOKS. I haven't read something like this since I was seventeen. I also started drawing again, just sketching images from comics (another thing I read during work), but I'm going to keep at it, and years from now I will not suck and I can draw my own manga. Speaking of original manga, I work on things, various projects but one in particular. I also teach myself Japanese.

When I'm not at work I play video games, watch television shows, cook, clean, shop, hang out with friends and sleep. Perhaps I will do more of the things I do at work at home, and gradually be more and more of a productive person. That's an exciting thought. But the key here is that... I'm functioning! I feel independent and capable. My life is full of different things which I enjoy, and there is the promise of everything I am capable of.

Indeed, I should have reached this place earlier. But I did not. However, I am here now, and I love it, and I will try to be further and further along and one day achieve success in something that is meaningful to me.

So... I don't RP much anymore. I am still present at several RPs that are not camp, but one of those is ending completely in six months, and the other two are very slow paced. None of them have even remotely the meaning to me that camp does. Those RPs are a hobby and periodic distraction. Camp is... a place. A passage? A crutch. An experience. I have loved it and will always love it but it must end eventually. And for the past four years eventually has been 'sometime later' and today it is today.

I think... that is the best I can explain it. It was long and probably confusing, but ha ha! It's my journal I can do it if I want.

I would like to thank everyone I've played with, and apologize to those whose characters will be hurt by this. But strife is the center of all story, so I hope you enjoy playing out their disappointment at least.

Lastly, I value all of the players, even those I rarely or never interacted with, and am eternally grateful. The experience of camp would never have existed if not for the people that fill it up."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:259074","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/259074.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=259074"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-04-07T11:47:00","published":"2009-04-07T15:59:22Z","updated":"2009-04-07T15:59:22Z","content":"Arghhhh the stupid it burns.

Okay so every time I'm at work I have to watch HLN news cuz idk. But at 11 is the PROVOCATIVE SHOWBIZ show. Which is frequently hypocritical and dumb. Latest debate? Brace yourself!

Has Michelle Obama replaced Oprah?

Jgffhjifffhj

I'm sorry have we not yet grown as a culture to where it is okay to have two awesome black women prominant in our society? They actually quoted that the reason people like the women is because Oprah is REAL and Michelle has that Oprah REALNESS. Because Oprah has the market on black women getting to appear like human brings or something. Idk.

Also I never want to hear Octoanything ever again arghhh"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:258847","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/258847.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=258847"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-04-06T01:25:00","published":"2009-04-06T05:27:04Z","updated":"2009-04-06T05:27:04Z","content":"I'M TOO LAZY TO WRITE STUFF

THINGS CAUSING ME JOY: NEW FMA ANIME. RECENT FMA CHAPTERS. FAIRY TAIL. TALES OF SOMETHING PORTING OVER. GETTING A HANDLE ON MY JOB??? SO MANY PET PROJECTS. FFXII IS ADORABLE. REPLAYING DDS *AGAIN*

THINGS NOT CAUSING ME JOY: AGH I'M FAT. AGH I SPEND TOO MUCH MONEY EATING OUT. AGH WHY DOES MY CAT PEE ON EVERYTHING."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:258704","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/258704.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=258704"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-04-02T23:23:00","published":"2009-04-03T03:24:21Z","updated":"2009-04-03T03:24:21Z","content":"GUYZ, pimp me things!

SPECIFICALLY I am actually looking for a character for roleplaying in an UNDISCLOSED PLACE. I really want to play from a canon I haven't read yet and have never played in. I am not INTO ANYTHING NEW nor have I been since uh... I think the last new thing I got into was Fairy Tail like, last July. So yeah. I MISS NEW STUFF. I have READ stuff! Just not really got into.

ASSEMBLING A LIST OF WHAT I HAVE READ WOULD BE HARD. But CHANCE ARE if it has a LARGE FANBASE I have looked at it, and am either into it or not interested for reasons I can tell you of if you like.

The TYPE of character I am looking for is something that is Not Really A Hero, possibly manipulative, and definitely with some character depth that would be fun to explore in a high stress situation. Characters I've played before that are LIKE THIS are uh, Kira Sakuya, Riku, Ticky, etc. Which is to say, people that aren't generally clearly bad or good. THAT SAID you don't need to have any of these in mind to rec something to me! I WILL CHECK STUFF OUT RIGHT NOW just note that I'm looking for things with good character narrative. Also, I'll be making icons so pretty gets you a lot of points.

Manga and anime are both find. TV show is fine if I can FIND IT ONLINE. I am a big fan of hulu guyz. Games are uh. Well. RECCING GAMES IS GOOD but I won't have time to play anything for a while, nor money to buy them. But you're more than welcome to sell me on what I should spend money on next. I have a PS3, a PSP, a DS and a Wii to make use of.

BASICALLY I'm tired of having no new interests get me into something )="},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:258481","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/258481.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=258481"}}],"title":"SUDDEN MEME","published":"2009-03-08T06:50:34Z","updated":"2009-03-08T06:53:04Z","content":"Give me a character I RP (CFUD\/Damned\/Crucible\/Sabra), and I'll tell you:

01. Full name:
02. Best friend:
03. Sexuality:
04. Favorite color:
05. Relationship status:
06. Ideal mate:
07. Turn-ons:
08. Last sexual experience:
09. Favorite food:
10. Crushes:
11. Favorite music:
12. Biggest fear:
13. Biggest fantasy:
14. Quirks in bed:
15. Bad habits:
16. Biggest regret:
17. Best kept secrets:
18. Last thought:
19. Worst sexual\/romantic experience:
20. Biggest insecurity:<\/i>

SINCE YOU MAY NOT KNOW MY LIST:
CFUD: Natsu, Luke, Kira, Ticky, Ed
Crucible: AU!Ticky, Guy, TYL!Hibari
Damned: Luke
Sabra: Rin"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:257960","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/257960.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=257960"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2009-01-04T13:46:00","published":"2009-01-04T18:47:00Z","updated":"2009-01-04T18:47:00Z","content":"oh god. I only have four characters now.

I haven't had that many characters since. ......2005. I think."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:257603","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/257603.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=257603"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-12-31T19:20:00","published":"2009-01-01T00:20:36Z","updated":"2009-01-01T00:20:36Z","content":"that. thing.

January-<\/b> So as I woke up at the ungodly hours of MORNING to get ready to go to work and made my lunch and breakfast, it occurred to me that, as an arizonan I depend on having salsa in my fridge more than anything else.
February-<\/b> I have no will power against these things )= Will not use ANY characters I rp so maybe something new will come out \\o\/
March-<\/b> I keep forgetting to mention it here (i think?) but I no longer use AIM.
April-<\/b> Stolen from <\/a>alexander<\/b><\/a><\/span>
May-<\/b> y not
June-<\/b> UPDATES. A:<\/b> \"Adopt<\/a> \"Adopt<\/a> \"Adopt<\/a> \"Adopt<\/a>
July-<\/b> So I've lived in Georgia for a month, thus far my biggest complaint is that the grocery stores don't sell hard liquor, and I haven't seen any liquor stores.
August-<\/b> So, I was thinking of doing one of those posts where you say things to people on your friendslist you generally wouldn't say to their face, without saying who it is to, and I realized two things.
September-<\/b> IN PRE-NEWS. someone kick me to go finish my honesty meme sometime after I have slept.<\/s>
October-<\/b> For once, I hope to see this all over my F-List.
November-<\/b> HI I HAVE A TWILIGHT RANT
December-<\/b> LAST TWENTY FOUR HOURS RECAP

...yah. not much interesting there.

ALSO JUST SUDDENLY HAD THE WORST NEW YEARS EVE EVER??? Am trying to recover my zen. my feet are cold and my food supplies are low.

my alcohol supplies, however, are not, and this MAY COME INTO PLAY LATER"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:257459","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/257459.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=257459"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-12-30T22:51:00","published":"2008-12-31T03:52:12Z","updated":"2008-12-31T03:53:44Z","content":"The Ame\/Puppy thing<\/a>



I've been thinking about what to do about this for several days now.

Overall, it's left a very... unsettled feeling in my stomach.

This is not a post about your opinion, or my opinion, or how they may or may not clash.

And it is not about how you handle our clashing opinions.

It's about how I handle you handling it.

I get... angry, sometimes. Certain things annoy me extensively. My wife says 'I am harsh' and this is not untrue, though I see it more as 'I am not very empathic'. Syncing with other people's feelings is not a priority or a desire for me. I do want to understand them, and I love to... feel things. Good things and bad things. I don't see anything wrong with crying. But those are things I want stories and life to do to me, not... the people around me. They can have their emotions, I want to have mine alone.

Anyway, none-the-less, one of my emotions alone is to be annoyed by certain actions, by certain ways of presenting one self, by certain actions and ways of presenting oneself when directed toward my close friends. Yet, I will always side with my opinion, whether it be two or more close friends clashing in this manner, or a close friend clashing with a stranger who I happen to agree with more. I greatly admire people who will back up their friends no matter if their opinion is different, and while I will... myself, back up a friend, I will not say something I do not believe, and I will not act as if I agree with something I do not.

This tendency of placing my opinion above others and judging people primarily on how they present their opinion and secondly on what their opinion is, means that when posts like this go up, with a great deal of opinions (which I feel are) badly expressed, or unnecessarily expressed, or selfishly expressed, I end up wanting to punch a lot of people in the face.

Up until the \"I want to punch people in the face\" part, I'm okay with all of this.

I... believe greatly in self. People say 'life is what you make of it' but often seem to mean it in a hopeful, or wishy-washy 'well you still need to allow for the breaks in life' kind of way. I don't. I believe that no matter your situation, you are in control of how you feel. This ability, to maintain how you want to FEEL about any given point in life, is a trait I greatly admire, and you can see it to almost absurdly amazing levels in the types of fictional characters who would still smile about being stabbed in the gut.

In the light of that possibility<\/i>, it seems silly I would not be able to smile in the face of people who I admire doing things which I do not admire.

I would say to others, ideally. \"If you don't want to be hurt, why are you allowing yourself to be hurt?\" But while I think this is fully within each person's ability, it is not my place to demand anyone live according to how I perceive is possible or best.

It's taken me a bit of time to stand back from my ire, but the real question is \"If I don't want to be upset, why am I allowing myself to be upset?\"

The simple answer is because... well. I was upset. And I wanted to talk about why I was upset, and make people understand that I disagreed with them, and why, and what exactly they were doing 'wrong' and how the consequences of their 'wrong' actions negatively affected those around them, in an incredibly ironic circle of what I see as both cause and effect as well as hypocrisy.

But I withheld that, because there was no way I could enter into it without also joining the circle, and also being a hypocrite. And really, to some extent, I've already been one even with that paragraph. I accept that, but consider it relevant to explaining my thoughts on how I handle other people handling their clashing opinions.

Anyway. I withheld that, for many reasons, I think it was the correct decision, but it didn't make me feel better, and the desire to just say my opinion on other people's opinions and point out their 'wrongness' did not go away, and it has been bothering me.

I want to be... someone who is always happy.

I don't need to be someone who is always good. I am not seeking perfection. I would like to be someone who is kind more often than not, but I don't feel the need to emulate Christ. I want to be someone who experiences many aspects of life, and reflects on them and enjoys them and stores away that information. I would like to be a more appreciative friend, a less judgmental person, faster to forgive and less prone to keeping calculations of debt in my mind. I would also like to not be upset by people's opinions expressed in a way I don't agree with, or in general, less likely to be bothered by upsets on the internet.

I spent a while thinking about the feeling I had over the whole post, and what I really, really<\/i> wanted. And determined I didn't really want to yell at anyone, and I didn't want to be right and for them to be wrong, and that I was not really upset by any of the opinions so much as how they were expressed. And that... in the end, what I wanted most was not to say my opinion, or be agreed with or disagreed with, or discuss anything, but just to not feel badly over all of it, to be someone who won't<\/i> feel badly over all of it.

The conclusion I came to, to help me with that, was to write this post."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:257094","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/257094.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=257094"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-12-30T07:13:00","published":"2008-12-30T12:13:51Z","updated":"2008-12-30T12:13:51Z","content":"have decided i have dedicated plans to spend all of the first IN BED.

why hasn't anyone invented a way to stop time for sleep yet."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:256978","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/256978.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=256978"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-12-10T18:00:00","published":"2008-12-10T23:00:57Z","updated":"2008-12-10T23:01:41Z","content":"I am not generally a \"link to news articles\" sort of person, but I do like this one, which is actually a set up for a book which, from where I am standing, would not be a bad investment if you are into books that give you advice on how to enjoy your life more (which is also, I think, not a bad choice).

Anyway, this is more or less how I live<\/a>, after realizing some years ago that I was miserable and that the only way I was going to stop being miserable was if I just. Decided to stop. I've always been aware of choices and consequences in my life, which was actually PART of what lent to my misery. Mostly because I knew every time something went wrong, I really didn't have anyone to blame but myself. Not to say that other parties hadn't helped it along, but for the most part? Everything in my life that made me unhappy... fall outs with friends, being over weight, not doing well in school, not having any 'irl' friends... were things I could have fixed if only I'd had the stones to make different choices. So while I was aware I was responsible for my own life in every way, I was still choosing to have expectations of people that were too high, choosing to eat badly and not exercise, choosing to not pay attention in class, choosing to sit in the corner and read over interacting with my peers. And it felt less like having power over my life and more like being a chump who knew what choice I SHOULD be making but kept making the least wise ones anyway, just for momentary comfort or satisfaction.

What ultimately changed, then, for me, was just. Literally deciding to stop being unhappy about it. I do not, to this day, make all of the best life choices. I am still over weight (infact, more so, now that I angst about it less), I am more social but still not much of a butterfly, and most of my IRL friends are... people I met online, or people who my wife knows who still pleasantly share my company. I HAVE discovered the ability to still be friends with people who drive me crazy on a semi-regular basis, but that hasn't stopped me from just flat out rejecting parties who operate on levels I consider unacceptable. School is something of a lost cause, but I do well at work, and I always have. I am... better, in a purely technical sense, than I was at that time, but it's not because I suddenly realized I have power over my life, it's because I realized I can be happy with my life even when still making chump choices half of the time. I COULD say no to desert regularly and yes to a gradually slimmer waist line. But I really don't. For me, the key was realizing I was already making the choices that make me happy; that's why I make them. Granted, they may not, all added together, result in something that makes me happy later. But I made my choices knowing that, and made them all the same, so I should enjoy them. It's not really that I like BEING fat, it's that I had fun getting there, and I realized I didn't have to be unhappy about what was basically a series of happy choices.

I'm still a lot of imperfect things, and I ever will be. But I am Happy, through my numerous flaws, worries, and trials yet to be faced. And it is, honest to God, just because one day I decided I was sick of being unhappy, and was going to stop. It's just about the only cold turkey decision I've ever stuck to in my life, but once I realized it was possible, it was a surprisingly easy one to maintain.

The article linked up there is more about helping people realize that life is a series of choices. I... honestly tend to give people the benefit of the doubt that they realize that. I suppose that's just because I... mostly know pretty intelligent people. People who have read books and such that tell you this point through character development, and their choices and consequences. But I suppose it's possible to realize it as a technical fact, and not yet feel like you are in control of your life even when you choose to go back to bed instead of getting up and going to class. As such, the article is mostly about how to help you make the RIGHT choice, for you, so you are happier. For me it was more about realizing that I could be happy with any choice I made, so long as I made it realizing that I had CHOSEN this path, because I felt it was the best or most enjoyable one, and that I should thus enjoy it accordingly.

Anyway, here is one excerpt from the article that I think was my favorite part:

Choose with your greatness in mind.<\/b> Holy hell, why didn't anyone tell me this before? I've been making all kinds of decisions for 40-plus years now, and only recently did I begin choosing with my highest and best purpose as the guiding factor. For the last 10 years I have consciously asked myself, \"What would the best me do?\" And when I ask that question, it's like pushing in the clutch on fear and doubt so I can shift into overdrive with confidence, and a vision of myself being great. When you're 23 and feeling pressure to make some major life decision, you go for money, security, the least painful option - hell, whatever might be behind curtain number 3 - but you sure don't ask yourself which decision will lead to your greatness. Or at least I didn't. Maybe I was out sick the day they covered that in school.<\/blockquote>"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:256687","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/256687.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=256687"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-12-01T07:08:00","published":"2008-12-01T12:14:17Z","updated":"2008-12-01T12:14:17Z","content":"LAST TWENTY FOUR HOURS RECAP

LALALA SLEEP

OOH WAKE UP

YAY WONDERFUL BREAKFAST

LAZY DRIVE DOWN TO AIRPORT WHEE

LOUNGING IN AIRPORT WITH MOTHER SO SHE DOESN'T CRY

HAHA ISN'T THAT TICKY KEYCHAIN CUTE? HERE LET ME SHOW YOU MY ED ON-- OH GOD WHERE ARE MY KEYS

NO SERIOUSLY MY KEYS WHERE ARE THEY

AAAAAAAH THERE ARE NO KEYS

HAVE TO GET ON PLANE ANYWAY. WITH NO WAY TO GET HOME. OR TO OPEN THE ONCE ONCE GETTING TO IT

LONG FLIGHT GOES HERE. HINT. AVIY'S HIPS ARE TOO BIG.

STUCK ON RUNWAY FOR FOURTY MINUTES GOES HERE

BUT IT'S OKAY. DIDN'T MISS CONNECTING FLIGHT BECAUSE THAT ONE IS AN HOUR AND A HALF LATE!

BTW STILL NO ONE CAN FIND THE KEYS

RUN UP AIRPORT. THEN DOWN IT WHEN THEY CHANGE THE GATE. THEN UP IT WHEN THEY CHANGE THE GATE AGAIN.

WAIT FOREVER TO LOAD

ARRIVE IN SAVANNAH AT 1 AM

PS RENTING CARS IS TOO EXPENSIVE. TAKE CAB TO HOTEL. LEAVE CAR ALONE AND GATHERING BILLS IN THE AIRPORT PARKING LOT

CRASH IN HOTEL FOR FOUR HOURS AFTER ARRANGING CAB

MM NICE BED

WAKE UP

GET IN CAB

GO HOME

WAIT FOR LANDLADY TO ARRIVE WITH KEY

LOLO OOPS WRONG KEY. ONE SEC.

WAIT FOR HER TO DRIVE HOME AND RETURN WITH CORRECT KEY

FINALLY HOME

FIND OUT WIFE STOLE TOOTHPASTE FOR HER TRIP TO JAPAN.<\/b>

ONE SEC STILL HAVE TO GO TO WORK FOR NINE HOURS AND FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO ABOUT MY CAR."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:256347","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/256347.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=256347"}}],"title":"Home for the holidays bloggings~","published":"2008-11-30T01:41:27Z","updated":"2008-11-30T01:41:27Z","content":"WHAT AN ADVENTURE.

First of all, Wednesday I worked from eight am until five pm, then I had a flight leaving at seven so I went straight to the airport! First flight from Savannah to Atlanta, with a connecting flight from Atlanta to Phoenix. I was scheduled to arrive in Phoenix just before midnight, and then would have a two hour drive up to Prescott to get home.

BUT ALL DID NOT GO AS PLANNED, and as I'm sure many people have heard already, I missed my connecting flight. It was totally the fault of my mild dyslexia. Not only did I TRIPLE CHECK I was reading gate A20 instead of gate A02 (when, originally, I was supposed to be at gate A12), but I STILL GOT IT WRONG. And if you've never been to Atlanta Airport it's all loooooong terminals. So I went to gate A20, sat there for a while, got food, went back. NOTICED IT WAS THE WRONG GATE. Had to find someone to tell me what the right gate was, run\/speedwalk (my hip was hurting like a bitch from all the walking by then) alllll the way back to the other end, only to find that they locked the doors ten minutes before take off (which is normal, but STILL DUMB) so. My plane was gone. Absolutely no one was sympathetic. It was the last flight of the night so I was stuck in Atlanta until 9 am the next morning.

After rescheduling my flight and a sobbing call to my mom, I ended up telling her to cancel the hotel she was booking me because I called Ash, who is wonderful, and was going to help me crash at her place. IN RETROSPECT, letting my mom book a hotel would have been much easier on everyone, but I am glad I solved it myself. And by MYSELF I mean relied on my contacts and... did something I've never done before! Which involved riding the train, taking a taxi in Atlanta and not getting raped or murdered in the process. (I did get the numbers of two guys, and get told how sexy I was by a kinda sleezy third guy, who, after I completely blew him off, decided to come back and be a gentleman instead).

Slept on Ash's couch, and then ran out of there at five-thirty AM in a fit of paranoia about missing my next flight. WHICH REMINDS ME. ASH. I OWE YOU LIKE 23 DOLLARS RIGHT? WHO DO YOU WANT ICONS FOR?

It was QUITE AN ADVENTURE and then there was a very painful flight from Atlanta to Savannah which is basically an exercise in how much I can destroy my hips in the course of five hours trying to fit into a seat that is not is not made for six foot tall people.

Blah blah grandparents picked me up, saw kin for thanksgiving dinner, fell asleep on the couch at the end of it. HAVE NOT EATEN TONS OF THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS SINCE THEN because we've been going out to all of the restaurants I miss )=

ANYWAY. Since then mom and I have just been going around, doing stuff. It's been very nice. Sitting in the living room next to the fire watching television. I've been helping her put together her new computer system (that's been giving her trouble for ages). Today we got pedicures together, and we wandered through JC Penny while I taught mom about color and tried to help her with ideas to fix her couch (which is currently VERY RED). I ended up buying ANOTHER pillow for my bed, because it's cute and yellow and goes with my quilt )= I also went to Vangough's Ear, which is an art gallery near the house. I usually buy some really nice earrings there. Which is what I WENT FOR but I got distracted by a cool clock that is a long strip of metal with metal painted squares on it and some wire that was 95$. So now I have a COOL ARTSY WALL CLOCK for my room, which is a start to getting a decorated and nice looking room |D And I'm sure I gave mom some ideas for christmas presents because I kept swooning over one artist<\/a> )=

BTW. THis stuff is TOTALLY AWESOME it's really creative and unique looking and sometimes pretty funny. CHECK THIS OUT<\/a>. And they are apparently all ttly unique cuz this is nothing that I saw there. There was an ANGEL and a robot, and DINOSAURS CLAWING THEIR WAY THROUGH FRAMES<\/a>. It's very fun and if they didn't cost hundreds of dollars I'd get one in a heartbeat )= AAH LIKE THIS<\/a>

AANYWAY shameless fangirling aside.

I got a clock! And a cute sweater, and a new haircut because after I had pretty feet and a nice top I decided my hair was driving me crazy so that happened too. Oh! And a new scarf, because I showed mom my LOVELY NEW SCARVES so she paid me for the home decorating lesson by getting me a scarf |D And then I talked her into getting one for herself. As I am an awesome daughter. Because she clearly wanted one but thought she'd look silly since she's never worn scarves, and I told her my nice one from World Market (where we were at) always gets a lot of compliments, and she really likes it now that she's tried it out |D

AND NOW I get to go out to dinner again (Indian food, iyaaah) and then laze around, before I have to make a four o clock flight out tomorrow. Sob. I get back around midnight so I can sleep for like six hours before I have to get up and go back to work.

ANYWAY. That's been MY EXTENDED WEEKEND. It's really been fun just THE FLIGHTS ARE SO PAINFUL.

Also I'm playing Hotel Dusk. KYLE AND ALL OF HIS BITTERNESS IS SO HILARIOUS.

Wife has gone to japan )= I shall be alooooe for two weeks. sob."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:256119","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/256119.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=256119"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-11-24T17:43:00","published":"2008-11-24T22:43:33Z","updated":"2008-11-24T22:55:50Z","content":"HI

I HAVE A TWILIGHT RANT


It's not about the movie, which I found fun and incredibly stupid and badly written. Wife and I laughed through it and got DIRTY LOOKS for cracking up at inappropriate moments from the couple infront of us who were apparently there to TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

This rant is about all the HAAAATE surrounding the books.

HERE THE BOTTOM LINE OF MY OPINION, WHICH YOU CAN READ AND SKIP THE REST IF YOU SO PLEASE (OR NOT READ AT ALL, WHATEVER):

I don't believe in holding authors responsible for the impression their books leave on society.

As far as I KNOW, most people agree with this statement. That just seems to GO AWAY when the author's novel is complete shit and directed at young impressionable young girls, which I think is dumb.

I compared this mentality with the idea that it's the fault of videogame companies that children are becoming more desensitized to violence\/more violent. Wife said that this wasn't a valid argument, since there are only a handful of people that have ever killed people and blamed video games. But then again, I doubt there's more than a handful of girls that have broken down in the obsession of love and blamed Twilight.

There's the point that Twilight reaches millions of young girls and presents to them that 'this is the glorified, ideal love between a man and a woman', which may give them the impression that this is what they should strive towards, so regardless of if they break down NOW it may forever tint their world view and lead to a future full of weak kneed, self involved, crazily obsessed young women. But then again, video games (as well as movies, books, and the general american mentality) unquestionably<\/i> reach millions encourage the use of violence. Dude. I played the Bioshock demo the other day. It's a game where you SHOOT UP DRUGS in order to gain SUPERPOWERS and then BEAT LOTS OF OTHER DRUGGIES TO DEATH WITH A WRENCH. Or pump 'em full of lead. Or set them on fire. Or electrocute them. The ultimate purpose of the game is to become the STRONGEST DRUGGIE AROUND and kill HORDES OF OTHERS with your vast array of customizable weapons and abilities.

And I beat the fuck out of those fuckers, and I enjoyed it.

But I also decided not to get the game because ONCE UPON A TIME I could *not* play games with any kind of realistic blood in them. Do you remember that game where your enemies are ANTS and you BLOW UP ANTS? Yeah. I had to play with the blood off in that because it disturbed me. Fuck I got rid of an ARCADE STYLE GAME WITH PIXELATED BLOOD because that made the game literally not enjoyable for me. And I wasn't eight. I was like fourteen.

Now I can enjoyably swear up a storm and bash skulls in with wrenches in a manner FAR more realistic than any of those older games could ever hope to manage. And as much FUN AS IT WAS it also kind of bothers me that... it doesn't bother me anymore.

But that's me. Lots of people play incredibly violent video games, enjoy them, and I very firmly call anyone who thinks that video games are responsible for the violence of today's youth a moron. It's NOT because I think videogames don't affect your mentality, don't desensitize you or shift your world view. It's because DESPITE THESE THINGS people are responsible for their actions, for the way they choose to face the world, and for the things they fill their lives with.

Books are no different. Even bad books. Even books which affect HOW POWERFUL WOMEN SEE THEMSELVES AS.

So, do I doubt that young girls everywhere are reading these books and being affected by them? Glorifying Bella's self centered world and her undying obsession with Edward? No. Do I think the books need to be burned or Meyers crucified for this? Uhhhh no.

The books are basically masturbation. I believe Meyers even admitted in an interview that Bella was based off her. I genuinely believe that Meyers<\/i> genuinely believes this is a valid representation of true and ideal love, for which I feel a bit bad for her. But the fact is it's her opinion and her opinion only, and if WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE are agreeing with it... well. That's life.

I get being mad at, or distressed with, society as a whole. Or parents who don't know well enough to warn their children that this is a book, and go ahead and enjoy it, but don't think Bella is the ideal girl to grow up to be, or Edward is the ideal mate. It IS sad that these are the heroes of so many of today's children. But while Meyers may not be warning kids away from worshipping Bella, it's not her responsibility to be accountable for what other people take away from her work. If kids everywhere decided they wanted to be JUST LIKE TOM RIDDLE when they grew up, we would want to smack us up some parents for raising tiny sociopaths and encouraging it. Not Rowling for daring to create (GASP) a villain. So what exactly is the issue over Meyers making (GASP) an Edward obsessed female hero?

I do suspect, bottom line, the main problem people have with the books (other than the shoddy writing) is that Bella is an extremely unreliable narrator, but isn't presented<\/i> as an unreliable narrator.

In writing, the unreliable narrator is when the book is shown from the point of view of a character who has a heavy bias, a lack of knowledge, or simply a reason to mislead the reader. This can be a child, a bigot, a conartist, or a narrow minded teenage girl. I've only read excepts from the books, and I haven't read the one that I know people find TRULY OFFENSIVE, when Edward goes away and Bella's life because an EMPTY HOOOLE without him. But the main concern seems to be not that Bella's life is an EMPTY HOOOLE without him but that her depression is shown in such a way where we are supposed to empathize and feel bad for her, and support her obsession, rather than realize that she's a crazy, pathetic and weak willed character. If the books were written with the INTENTION that Bella be an unreliable narrator, we would get the impression, despite her still only showing her point of view on things, that this is Not Right, and there would probably be less of a stir about how bad of an influence these books are.

EXAMPLE: Lolita is a book written from the point of a view of a middleaged pedophile. Humbert IS the protagonist of the story, he is the HERO despite being... well. A pedo. Who gets married to a woman specifically so he can eventually fuck her 11 year old daughter. Yet you at times genuinely empathize with his problems, because Lolita is a craazzy little bitch, and despite his frequent and terrible lamentations on what a monster he is, having sex with his his adopted daughter never seems all that bad.

None-the-less, despite sympathizing with Humbert, we the reader ALWAYS KNOW he's a pedo, that this is wrong, and as such his actions and mentality are not acceptable or to be glorified by us.

If Meyers were anywhere NEAR a good enough author to accomplish that sort of thing with Bella (and if she had any desire to), the books would probably be much better. But they also wouldn't INSPIRE THE NATION'S YOUTH as they do today, because it would be a statement on the treachery of obsessed love, instead of a ~beautiful~ love story.

I agree it's kind of depressing that this is what people look up to, that it's what inspires them. But frankly? If it wasn't written THIS WAY it would not have brought about the kind of inspiration it did. There are a LOT of novels out there. Plenty of which represent women and love in a strong and healthy manner. America didn't choose THOSE novels to become obsessed with. They chose this one. It's not \"If Meyers didn't write Bella so crazy we wouldn't have people reading and conforming to this idea.\" It's \"If Meyers didn't write Bella's love in this light, no one would give a shit and read her work at all, and they'd find something else to get their broken inspiration from.\"

Society is responsible for what it loves and glorifies, and I'm not particularly surprised that society has bad taste in literature. But oh well. In the end I don't believe in censoring the options available for society to lose itself in, just out of fear of them making the wrong choice.

And that's the problem with censorship in general. We complain about black listed books, believing it our right to read and be influenced by books which represent the worst or most fearful prospects of society. Which encourage people to think for themselves, be aware of the possibilities of the future, express different religions, or simply see the world from the point of view of a villain and learn to understand them. But those books are BAD to a lot of people. If we expect them to let us read their BAD books, then it's only fair that they get to read our BAD books, which means accepting anyone's right to read a horrible novel about an obsessed love and a weak minded girl and be influenced by that<\/i>.

Personally. I think Lolita for Twilight is a pretty goddamn easy trade off.<\/a>


AND IN ONLY MILDLY RELATED NEWS. I'm actually starting to think Pattinson is kind of adorable. In a completely full of fail kind of way."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:255878","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/255878.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=255878"}}],"title":"Use your rights, suckas.","published":"2008-10-04T03:32:32Z","updated":"2008-10-04T03:32:32Z","content":"For once, I hope to see this all over my F-List.

"},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:255577","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/255577.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=255577"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-09-18T18:06:00","published":"2008-09-18T22:07:03Z","updated":"2008-09-18T22:07:03Z","content":"I TRIED SMOKING.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't great. I felt deeply compelled to brush my tongue about halfway through one cigarette. My lungs feel a little awkward now. Breathing smoke is fun excite for when the wind blows it into your eye."},{"id":"urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:aviy:255370","link":[{"@attributes":{"rel":"alternate","type":"text\/html","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/255370.html"}},{"@attributes":{"rel":"self","type":"text\/xml","href":"https:\/\/aviy.livejournal.com\/data\/atom\/?itemid=255370"}}],"title":"aviy @ 2008-09-13T13:47:00","published":"2008-09-13T18:06:39Z","updated":"2008-09-13T18:06:39Z","content":"FOR MYSELF. SOME NOTES:

Things I am buying when money starts coming in-
A new moniter to replace the one cats broke.
A new micro SD card\/usb drive\/adapter to replace the one Office Max THREW AWAY
Ironman Blu-ray
Bookshelves.
A mop I am willing to use to clean the kitchen.

Things I am buying when I have paid off my credit cards and begun paying off what I owe my mother:
GET CAR WASHED. Heavy duty, inside and out.
Clothing and shoes. I am 22 and I think I deserve to have a wardrobe that lasts longer than a week for the first time since I was eight years old.
Video games I'm behind on.
Manga I want to own.
A smaller, better quality pan. A spatula that doesn't fail. A quality, stainless steel knife set and the ability to sharpen them. A whisk.
And perhaps one day a microwave, as ours is clearly dying and I dunno how long it will hold out.
A night stand, some kind of drawer\/dresser\/chest thing to put in clothing that is not hangable.
ARTWORK AND OTHER COOL THINGS. There is NOTHING on our walls guys. It's very sad.
A DENTIST APPOINTMENT, and an eye doctor appointment. The prescription in my right eye is off, one of my lenses is scratched, and my glasses need some re-gluing at the very least. I also have cavities and haven't been to the dentist in two years.
A pentablet. Not like my wife's but it would be damn useful for some of the stuff I do.

OBVIOUSLY NOT ALL AT ONCE. But something of a GAME PLAN while I dream about what it might be like to be financially secure all on my own."}]}