My Nana called yesterday afternoon to ask how things were, and if there was any more news regarding Hans. In her message, she said neither she nor her youngest daughter (my mother's sister) had heard from my mother Saturday or Sunday. Since I had no new information at that point, I decided to delay calling her back until today. Had I not, there was a distinct possibility that I would have found a way to throttle her over the phone.

Nana gets ideas in her head regarding situations/people/whatever, and they stick. If you don't tell her exactly what she's expecting to hear about a situation or a person, she will badger you and try to ask questions in a different way so as to get the answer she wants to hear. I knew that if I rang her back yesterday, that's exactly what I would have gotten. No matter what I would have told her regarding Hans or my mother or Hans' mother, she would have pushed and pulled for more information that I simply do not have. Hence through-the-phone-throttling.

I wake up this morning, and find an email from my mother's eldest sister, claiming that "Pat (my mother) does not want to be called". Well, on the one hand, I don't blame her. Her phone has probably been ringing off the hook since Wednesday when this happened. It's irritating to have the same questions asked over and over again, especially when you have no new information to give about a situation. I need to check with her before calling anyone to see if that's indeed what she said. That will prepare me for the possible influx of calls I'll be getting from her side of the family, at any rate.

Saturday, Mom said Hans was starting chemotherapy today. Yesterday evening, she said it was radiation today. Either way, it is something that is not necessarily pleasant.

I am dressed, packed, and ready for work. I have taken Dramamine for the train ride down. I have set aside money to get coffee, as it will be sorely needed today. My gallstones gave me grief Saturday, left me alone yesterday, and have since returned with something of a vengeance this morning. I am really hoping that they just eff off until I can get payroll in, and then maybe I can head back north around lunchtime. That's if they keep acting up, the little bastards. >:|

Today:

--worky
--payroll
--email Mom
--ring Nana
--gym (elliptical, sauna)
--laundry
--clean kitchen
--Dragonblight quests
--bed!

Not surprising that the domestic stuff did not get done.

Is it better to know or not know? This is a question people ask themselves at least once in their life, if not multiple times. Is it better to know, and prepare yourself for it, and do all the things you want to do and see all the people you want to see and all that? Or is it better to not know, to just let it happen when it happens? Is there a better, really?

When I rang Mom yesterday to see if I should go to the hospital or go home, she said to go home. She was also very evasive as to what news she had, which of course made me think the worst. Sadly, I wasn't wrong. There were six lesions found on Hans' brain, and more problems with the lungs. He went in for an MRI last night so as to get a somewhat final verdict. From what my mother said, unless the other tests were completely screwed up, anything they do is to just prolong things, and he's got anywhere between four months to a year.

I don't know what that means just yet, really. I don't know what kind of treatment can be done to make it more like a year as opposed to a few months. I don't know what kind of condition he's in, really. Mom claims he's pulling a standard Hans, and thinks that he's just overworked and overstressed. Hans tends to underplay things, especially when they're that bad. For example, his mother's short term memory has grown exponentially worse over the past few years. Instead of addressing the problem and either getting her 24 hour care at home or elsewhere (which, according to both my mother and my auntie, is what's needed at this point), Hans hasn't done more than get an every-other-day caretaker to visit for five hours at a time. It's like he doesn't want to come to terms with what's really wrong, I guess. And if the doctors told him what they told Hans' daughter from his first marriage (who is the one who told my mother the whole lesions thing), it would explain why he's skirting the issue.

I've had the phrase "four months to a year" floating through my head since Mom rang me last night. I'm just numb. What do you do in a situation like that? What can you do but get through each day and try to make it good? Rhetorical questions, obviously. Right now, though, I just have to wait and see what's going to happen next. Maybe Hans will have that crazy luck he seems to have and we'll laugh at this in a few years. I won't be in denial about it, but I will hope for something a little more than what I've been told.

There will be lots of sighing over the next couple of days. That's about as much as I can physically show right now.

Both good and worrisome.

Good news: my cousin had her baby on Tuesday. She had a girl, named her Kiersten Lee. She's TINY. And I didn't know that swaddling was something normally done, but I'll be damned if that baby wasn't swaddled. She slept the whole 20 minutes or so that I was there, which was fine 'cause I was scared to hold her. I've never held a newborn baby. I'd be so worried I'd hold her wrong or drop her or something. Kathryn, my cousin, looked fine, though she said her back hurt quite a bit. Her husband, Brian (who is my cousin by blood; Kathryn's actually a cousin-in-law, I guess, but that's so cumbersome) seemed like he was doing well, too. The birth was rough, though neither of them talked about that other than to say that they'll let me find out what it's like for myself (*glare*); I heard through my auntie (their mom/mom-in-law) and Nana. I'm glad everything was okay in the end, though. And now we have more girls to fight off the, like, four million boys in our family.

Worrisome news: upon arriving home from the gym, Mom rang to say that Hans was in the hospital. He had collapsed at home and it was thought that he had a heart attack. That was not the case, which is good. However, he did have a seizure, which is obviously bad. They also ran a CT scan, and found a tumor on his lung. There was also something else wrong in there, but my mother was speaking fast and I didn't want to ask her to repeat herself. I'll hear more today when she's calmer, I think. There was also a point last night where he had a little bit of a memory issue. He knew who my mom was, knew they were married and all, but also thought it was 1988. That's a bit inconsistent, as he didn't even know my mother at that point. When she rang again around midnight, she had no new news. Hans' mother, who is generally frail and has a poor short term memory due to age, got taken to the hospital with Hans, though she was not admitted as there was nothing wrong with her. Mom only took her home around midnight when she rung, and I'm wondering how this is hitting her. She also rang Hans' two grown kids, which I know was hard because 1) no one likes to give someone news like that and 2) Hans' oldest, his son, does not like my mother and isn't exceptionally subtle about it. It's hard enough to give bad news to people close to you, let alone someone who doesn't like you. I was told to go to work today, and that she'd be back at the hospital today as well. Hopefully we'll have some more news later today or tomorrow.

I thought about posting all this yesterday and ringing people yesterday, but I'm honestly still kind of detached from everything. I'm worried, obviously. I'll be going to 12:10 Mass this afternoon. I just will have to keep playing the waiting game for more news and hoping for the best. Don't know what else to do at this point.

To work out, since I will not be hitting the gym due to a meeting and happy hour, to the shower, and then to work.

My hours just got cut almost in half, and I'm losing about $100 every paycheck. Shit shit shit shit shit.

This is because of budget cuts, which basically means that I'm probably not going to get the raise I asked for, either. Fuck.

Guess the job hunt starts this weekend. So much for laziness.

I hate it when everything goes downhill at once. I lose 300 USD, Mom got laid off thanks to a company buy-out, Dad will be making about as much money as me a month because most of his paycheck will go towards child support because of Mom's job loss, and I feel like an ass because it never seems like anything is good enough for me, when in actuality, things are better than I could imagine, sans all that stuff, naturally.

I worry about every little stupid thing, and expect too much from people. I'm surprised I'm even still a person that people want to spend time with.

I'm just upset and sad and blah and moo and I want to go home and I'm sick of Lincoln Park and I don't want to be here anymore and yay, my toenail's coming off even more. It hurts like a mother.

Bah, I hate it when I do this, but at the same time, I almost need to sometimes. Way to go angst and whininess, Abby. I thought you turned 21 this year, not 15.

My phone will be off until Wednesday, 'cause my check got lost in the mail, and I don't have money to fully pay off the past due until then. So if anyone really needs me (which doesn't happen very often, but if it amazingly does), email is the best route to go.

So ends the public announcement.

Valentine's Day was amazing. There's no other word to describe it but that. And I love FFVII. Sucks that I kept falling asleep during random encounters. XD

A few things have been bugging me today, but I'm going to blame that on stress and lack of sleep. I didn't study as much as I should have for today's quiz, so I'm probably going to fail it. But meh, that's the way the cookie crumbles and some nonsense. I just can't wait until Wednesday, when I can sleep again.

Only 2% was added to my FFX-2 game this weekend. ;-; Stupid me.

And whee, lack of substance. ><

Off to do...well, something.

So I apologize from here on in about any sort of mood swings that go on here as well as real life. As my mother said in her most irritating fashion, now's the time to learn about control (or, rather, re-learn). I do thank y'all for your words and hugs and stuff, though, as they did help in the feeling better.

I've still got some really heavy worries on my mind, but they'll be there for a while. Not much to worry about there, at least not right now.

Trying to decide what to do tonight. I have no car, as The Boy supposedly needs it, and Sanchez is having a DDR day again...I'm kind of in a Harlem sort of place, but at the same time, I'm not. I don't know. Sleep really should be the top choice, as I only got about three hours last night. *shrugs*

Oh, well. I've gotta open the lab, and get typing on my journal entry. I have a funny feeling my computer's going to be stolen during Cathy's midterms. *sighs*

...oh, great, I just sneezed in my hair. >

Check the diary if you want to read more about Mankato happenings. Nothing huge...met the guys...but it's there.

My stomach hurts and I am worried. Some of it is homesickness, but some of it isn't. I really need to learn not to worry so much.

But it's so much a part of me! I can't not worry! O.O

...shut up, Abs, and go brush your teeth.

Yes, ma'am.