atlanticbreeze1

Something doesn't feel right. Something is off.  Am I making it up? Am I telling myself lies?? Am I scared? Of course I am scared.  Of course I must lie to myself.  The truth is unpleasant.  The truth is dull, boring, and sad.  The truth hurts.  I hate the truth, but I think I hate the lies more.  So how do I stop? How do I get it to stop? How do I see the truth behind this heavy blanket of lies?? Where do I begin?

I can't be afraid forever

Or can I? 

I officially have a boyfriend and I am very happy about it  = ) 

I'm sad. I wish things were different, wish I was different.  But the truth is I am too scared to attempt to change and I don't know how to do it or where to begin.  Sometimes I would like to skip through my twenties.  Go to my thirties, when maybe I will have babies, a career, a house, happiness.  Perhaps in my thirties I will know who I am and what I am doing.  I will feel like I am accomplishing something.  I will feel good.  I hate this and myself.

I thought my zoloft was working, and maybe I still do think that, but I feel very depressed.  The last few days I have woken up hating myself and sad.  I don't even want to get out of bed.  My anger has definitely decreased and my mood swings aren't as severe, but I am sad.  I am still depressed.  I am still lost. I still cannot find a job and am not making any money at the restaurant.  R is confusing me and not giving me the love and attention I need.  My stomach hurts.  I think I have gained weight. 

The weather has cooled down though. That is a plus. I was getting sick of the heat and humidity.  It has been cloudy and breezy so that has alot to do with the cool down.  I'm sure once the sun comes out and the winds stop, it will be hot as hell again.  I kind of wish I lived in NY or somewhere north where they experience winter and the changes of the season.  I don't want the sun and beach any more.  I never thought I would say that.  I want the cold, the mountains, the lakes.  I want something different.

My drugs have started to work.  But what about a job??? I can't find anything and I'm not making any more at the restaurant.  I  don't know what to do.

R came down last weekend. It was the best time we have spent with each other so far.  I went up to see him Wed and Thursday nights.  It was great.  I miss him.  I want to see him more often.  I think I want to be with him.  He says he is going to move down here. Probably not until feb or so, but it sounds good to me. 

In other news, I have been taking zoloft since Monday and don't feel any different.  In fact, I have been pretty depressed today.  I guess it might take another week for it to kick in. 

Just can't stop thinking about R and hope he thinks about me too. 

It's funny, I always feel like I have nothing to do or no one to do anything with, but in reality, people invite me places often, but I choose not to go.  I can't tell if it is because I like to be alone and I have a routine during the day and I just don't like it to get interrupted or if my anxiety holds me back.  Today I was supposed to go fishing, but I never called the guy because I just had other things I wanted to do instead.  He just now called to hang out, but I have to work, which is good because I don't really want to hang out with him anyway.  Monday night I went fishing with a group of friends from work and I rode with a couple of them so I was stuck there.  We were out there for HOURS! It was way too long and I was bored.  I wanted to leave and couldn't say anything.  They all had so much fun.  I didn't so much.  I just can't tell if that is my unfortunate personality or my anxiety.  I need to get to work. 
 

The more I search for a job, the more depressed I become.  I have realized that it is in those times where I grow increasingly sad.  When I contemplate my future career (if there is one), when I job hunt, when people ask me why I am still serving tables, these are the times that make me the most depressed.  This is what starts it.  And from there I think about how I hate my living situation and I feel trapped and claustrophobic here.  How I can not afford a place on my own and will I ever be able to?? How I have too many bills and not enough money.  How I can not stop eating and shopping and spending money.  But for nothing.  I bought almost a completely new wardrobe recently because I gave my old clothes to charity.  But I have realized that most of the stuff I purchased I have only worn once, if even.  Because I have no where to wear these clothes.  I have social anxiety; I cannot go into the world.  I fear it.  I am scared of it.  


I was somewhat ok until I started searching for a job.  I dream of making some money so I can afford a 1 bedroom and some furniture.  I think about the possibilities and options now.  There aren't many.  I live in a time where the economy is shot, the job market is minimal.  I live in one of the most expense counties in the country.  An island about 3 minutes from my house once had the title of being the wealthiest residential town in the world.  In the world!!!   That is insane.  That is where I live.  Of course, my family has never been wealthy like that.  My mother never had much and my father spends everything he has. 

I wonder if I will be waiting tables 10 years from now.  If I will be alone, never being able to afford my own place, always having roommates or my mom.  I wonder why things never change for me or when they do, they just get worse.  I wonder why I can't make decisions and the decisions I make always seem to make me sad.  I wonder what is wrong with me and when will I get better. 

I wonder why the people at work like me and want to hang out with me.  Why all the guys at work have a crush on me and not the other girls.  I wonder what it is about me that attracts these men to me.  I am in no way being conceited, I am curious.  It happens everywhere I go.  Does it happen to every woman?? I know it does not happen to my sister.  She always tells me it isnt' as easy for her to meet guys as it is for me.  I am more petite, but I don't think I am prettier.  I am maybe flirtier than her and appear to have more confidance, but I think it is her that actual has more confidance right now.  Perhaps I have more confidence in the guy area because I have never had problems.  I always seem to meet someone, usually a few someones.  None of them are ever right for me.  There is always something that isn't right.  I think the ones I am really attracted to, it just doesn't ever seem to happen with those ones.  Strange.  Life is strange and I think I am even stranger.