D8 Products from a Childhood

Fluff? On this blog? What can I say - I'm a fluffer: 

1. Osseo-Crunch: Originally "osseous composite digestible material no. 3", developed by the government of the United Kingdom in the 1930s in a public-private partnership with a consumer packaged goods company. It was meant to be an emergency ration additive in case Germany used biological warfare to attack the cow population of England & so on, and to provide a useful alternative disposal method for corpses.

As that worst-case scenario was never realized, its patent languished out of use for decades, until an American company purchased it in the 2010s. That company repurposed it for a breakfast cereal marketed towards demographics with higher levels of lactose intolerance, with the cereal's mascot Henry "Hahaha" Hyena promising that it's "the only cereal that doesn't need milk, because it's made of bones, and there's more than enough calcium in the bones!".

Osseo-Crunch tastes terrible, has a chalky texture, and only freaks eat cereal with water, so it didn't have a long production run. However, it is incredibly shelf-stable so you can still find it some places, and unopened boxes of it with real Henry "Hahaha" Hyena figurines inside have become something of a collector's item.

2. Camp Cambrian: A movie franchise, the premise of which is that a science camp where campers can learn about biology and the origins of life gets caught in a temporal anomaly, flinging groups of campers across wildly-accelerated stretches of time, during which their experiments evolved into whole ecosystems - some reminiscent of real periods in the Earth's history, some not so much - while the groups of campers have to learn to understand their new environments and their creatures and either find a way out or leave something behind to help the next group do so that'll last over the eons. For example, Camp Cambrian 2 ends with that movie's group planting the bones of their fallen comrades into conditions ideal for fossilization to spell out a message.

3. Croaka-Cola: Fun factoid - the original Croaka-Cola recipe included some hallucinogenic slime exuded by a species of toad. Croaka-Cola is a brand defined by meteoric rises and falls - its "Sippin' It Bayou-Style" campaign made the beverage an international hit, however a few years after its release of the alkekengi flavour in partnership with Cricket Murmur's catastrophic "low voices / heavy air" tour poisoned it for many.

4. Phobophobiatch Beer: Specially brewed to not cause "hangxiety" - the anxiety experienced during a hangover. It achieves this by reversing some of the usual brain chemistry of alcohol - rather than increasing levels of GABA and decreasing levels of glutamate, Phobophobiatch does the opposite. Drinking Phobophobiatch makes you scared, but during the hangover while the brain attempts to adjust its chemistry back to normal you experience calm and confidence.

It tastes terrible, but has seen some success among alcoholics who "zebra drink" it, alternating it with regular beers to even out the hangxiety, among horror buffs who get drunk on it to amp up already-scary experiences, and as a recommended part of some nootropic stacks - binged the night before an important day.

5. The Misadventures of Harold Hickorytail: A series of books marketed towards children, illustrated with dreamy water-colours. The books were intended to give a child-friendly education on touchy topics such as adultery, divorce, split custody, parental alienation, and suchlike, all through the lens of the life of their titular protagonist, Harold Hickorytail - a very slutty mouse.

There was a bizarre and poorly-received movie adaption of the Misadventures of Harold Hickorytail that, after many producers stuck their fingers in its pie, was edited into a stop-motion slasher movie wherein the characters getting killed off were all mice, and the killer was a cat. The Harold Hickorytail movie is considered a "so bad it's good that it's so bad" product of the VOID lockdowns.

6. Laugh Caf Gigglepuffs: Branded product of the Laugh Caf comedy club - oven-baked cheesy puff-snacks injected with nitrous oxide, causing compulsive laughter in those who consume them. Like Croaka-Cola, the Laugh Caf had its own PR disaster related to Cricket Murmur - not through Gigglepuffs, but through the Laugh Caf Podcast. The podcast ran an interview with the survivor of a Cricket Murmur show that was decried as "insensitive" and "deeply irresponsible", with the interviewer at one point bringing out a 3D-printed figurine of a raincoat-clad Cricket Murmur member. Several sightings and disappearances have been linked to the interview episode, which has since been scrubbed from all official Laugh Caf Podcast viewing platforms.

7. Rou-Lad: "Pack it thick, pour it hot - Rou-Lad, it's for the boys" goes the now-infamous commercial. It's turkey roulade in a can. It's for the boys. What more do you really need to know.

8. Mane Man: A romantic sit-com revolving around the antics of a human man, Victor, and an anthropomorphic maned wolf woman named Jackson. Much of the comedy in the earlier seasons revolves around Victor ironically losing every bet and contest he ever enters into, and Jackson's crossdressing, which causes Victor to misunderstand Jackson's gender identity repeatedly and become confused about his own sexuality.

Appendix S: In-Flamed

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🫃 

Walks through the woods

Watching birds

The King in the Window 

Steam off the surface of a potato fritter

Dreams & nightmares

The Tale of Despereaux 

Alcohol (though only sometimes)

Coffee (though only sometimes) 

Ender's Game (and its sequels)

Detention (2011)

The Holy Trinity (Goblin Punch, False Machine, Monster Manual Sewn From Pants)

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

Exactly the right amount of sleep (not too much, not too little)

The New World of Darkness 

Sitting by the water

Spore (and what could have been)

Various twitters

Song of Swords

D&D 3.5e 

Atomic Rockets

Fullmetal Alchemist

A lightness about the spirit

His Dark Materials

Stillness & silence

The Supernaturalist

The sort of boredom that doesn't hurt 

GLOGust: Post With No Text, Only Images (Excepting This Title & Introduction)

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Diseases Are Undead

In the wonderful world of Dungeons & Dragons there are some things that are contagious.

You can catch being a ghoul. You can catch being a vampire. You can catch being a wight. You can catch being a wraith.

You cannot, to the best of my knowledge, catch any of these things in the real world which we all inhabit. You can, however, catch a cold.

I cannot quote you the precise page of rules or fluff that says you can also catch a cold in D&D, but it probably exists somewhere therein.

Which makes you wonder - right? You can catch ghoulery, you can catch the rhinovirus - maybe there's some overlap there.

In reality, where everyone who is reading or writing this definitely lives, contagious things are generally micro-organisms - bacteria, viruses, parasites, fungi, prions, etc. - which can hop from one body to another, through the air or by close contact and fomites or whatever else. In D&D, the generally-assumable world of D&D from monster manuals and setting gazetteers and suchlike that I'm familiar with, undead can spread because they're full of negative energy, which is the opposite of the positive energy which animates and invigorates living things, and when such an undead kills a living thing their negative energy can overflow into the now-energy-absent corpse to reanimate it as another undead. Something like that.

Besides undead, a D&D world, or at least D&D-ish world, also has gods and magic and other planes of existence and and dragons that can fly with wings that are quite small relative to their body mass so on and so forth, so I don't think we should or need to assume contagious disease works quite the same as in our world, our real world wherein we all currently exist. There could be fruitful gains from doing otherwise.

So I propose that contagious diseases are undead. Not all of these diseases are ghoul fever, or vampire flux, or whatever - you could simply re-fluff everything from the common cold to the black plague to your own invented nastiness as this undead phenomenon.

The ones you don't catch directly from getting scratched or bit or sucked off by a skeleton, those come from tombs. Graves. Catacombs. The dust of past civilizations.

Full of regret, loaded with resentment, pregnant with ghosts, every civilization bears a sickness - the negative energy of its collective animus. When a civilization falls, it loses its positive counter-balance to this animus. When a civilization falls this animus is fermented and concentrated in its ruins. Those who delve into these ruins without the proper protections become patient zero for the new-and-old disease within - new to the surface world, old with hatred beneath.

This is why the ruins are yet ripe with plunder for your party - only a small party could slip through the quarantine around them, and few sane rulers would risk their armies diving into a sickbed.

Buboes, polyps, sores, a bloodied cough, and so on? Footholds that the dust of ancient and unleashed undeath have on your body.

Some examples:

Tauthops, unleashed from the kurgans of the grassy steppe, cures the tendons of the infected like the bowstrings of the nomads who were buried within. Somewhat like tetanus, in that the affected are wracked by tension - and then the tension releases, launching the infected through the air - always in the same direction, until they dry, splinter, and burst. Every splinter carries the disease, and so pits are dug in the path of the advance of the infected, and soft leaves or blankets are piled atop them, to give them some comfort in their final hours and contain the splinters they release when they finally burst.

From the half-sunken sepulchers of the swampside port, profaned into curse-fended warehouses, there came the magpie sickness, a compulsion to swallow the shiny things one saw - and worse still when one swallowed enough for the stomach to split, for the blood and the bile and the sickness would mix to make a new maw from the fissured abdomen, which would spake unspeakable things.

Low on funds, the god-king cracked open the cliffside tombs of his divine ancestors, arrayed in the gold-gilt of their grave goods. He paid his mercenary-debt, but set loose the dog-gnaw, sores like those left by the fangs of a cur or baboon, which took the vital young before the toothless old, and left his holy kingdom bereft.

Twelve More Module Ideas

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1. Chaos in the Quarantined Quarter: Their wealth did not buy them an escape from the seal placed to keep the rats and their plague in - it remains within with them, while the rats have become clever and cruel and the plague makes people strange.

2. Talons of the Colossus: A great bronze statue, humanoid yet inhuman, and hollow within - two warring cults reside in each leg, and even they fear to dare the mechanisms higher in the body.

3. Voyage of the Undying: The ship returned from the land beyond the sunrise overgrown by a silver tree - from its blossoms comes a curse of wretched immortality.

4. Rift to the God's Sepulcher: An earthquake has devastated the region, and opened a rift to a cave network where a primeval god and its children were once worshiped - rife in sacrifices, and stalked by the degenerate thing the god has become.

5. The Monastery of Miscarried Malice: The monks of a rich and learnéd monastery succeeded in a ritual to split their sins from their souls - now monstrously embodied, their sins run amok.

6. The Palace Past the Blazing Caul: A wildfire whips across the land, but through its heat-shimmer a marvelous palace can be glimpsed - some who have leapt through the flames have returned burned and burdened with treasures.

7. Legacy of the Lighthouse-Keeper: The lighthouse-keeper left behind a journal, and nothing else - throw a fistful of the herbs which grow atop the beach-dunes onto the beacon-fire, it says, and a path will appear out to a shining castle in the surf, full of wonders.

8. Festival of the Fantastical Fungi: For one week every hundred years the greatshrooms erupt from the bowels of the earth to cloud the skies with their spores - their inner chambers hold myconid menaces and precious effluvia.

9. Beneath the Old Silk Market: The old silk market was opened in the morning for business to find the flagstones flipped over to reveal tunnels beneath them, splatters of blood and threads of sticky silk leading below.

10. Lake of the Mutagenic Meteor: The meteor created a lake in its impact crater overnight - its glow has mutated the lake-life, and the first round of miners sent for its anomalous ores refuse violently to return.

11. It's Free Masonry: A flood has swept the earth away from the base of a stela crafted by an ancient and advanced civilization, revealing it to be only the tip of a much larger buried complex.

12. The City That's Always Today: The city was legendary in its day, now merely infamous - it repeats the same day, every day, always ending in its doom of black rain - seek its riches, but do not become enmeshed in its patterns or you too will become stuck in its cycle.

A Market All In Sable

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Dear ________,

Please be reassured - despite the unanticipated disruption to the Black Auction of 2020, the Black Auction of 2024 shall proceed as planned, albeit with an understandably-reduced catalogue and membership.

The Auction shall take place on the evenings of December 7th, 8th, and 9th in Doha. Due to security concerns, precise details of location and attendance procedure will be delivered to participating members in a personalized format closer to the commencing date. For the first time in the Auction's history, vetted members may also choose to participate in the Auction via telepresence using the approved channels.

Though we who are mighty may be laid low, remember that that which has fallen may rise again so long as the light which illuminates the path is well-kept.

Please find enclosed a partial accounting of the current Auction catalogue. We cannot guarantee that this will reflect the catalogue available when the Auction occurs:

LOT 1. ELECTRIC SARCOPHAGUS

A 10-ft. tall copper sarcophagus adorned with images of human slaves making offerings, some living, to gigantic humanoid figures with heads resembling those of Typhonic beasts. When a properly-mummified body is placed within, the currents passing through the sarcophagus will animate it as a mouthpiece through which one may communicate trans-temporally with the priests of the temple of Shtegg. These priests belong to a species of cetacean offshoots now extinct outside of cryogenic preservation, who ruled an empire centered on the then-vibrant Sahara during the Pleistocene, and claim credit for the selective breeding of homo sapiens as servants, gladiators, concubines, and snacks.

LOT 2. HEAD BROTH BOX

Reportedly taken from an itako murdered by Tokugawa Tadanaga after she prophesied his death at his brother the shogun's orders. A cubical wooden box, painted white and reinforced with iron. The box contains a reddish-brown liquid composed chemically of an even mix of sake and human putrescence, as well as the skull of a middle-aged woman. Drinking the liquid stimulates the salivary glands to produce generous quantities of ectoplasm, making the drinker an easy spiritual medium. The skull within the box was once capable of drooling out fluid to replace what was drunk, but unfortunately lost this ability after being removed from the box for examination.

LOT 3. ZYTKIEJMY DEVIL

A hairy, horned, short humanoid with a spiked tail, yoked to the grindstone of a mill in the woods near the town of Zytkiejmy by three chains of iron, silver, and maiden's hair. It speaks an archaic dialect of Polish, and is capable of milling grain into gold dust. The being must not be made to work on the sabbath or any Catholic feast day. By right of its binding, the devil may challenge its master once a year on Christmas Day to a riddling contest for its freedom along with its master's soul. Winning ownership of the devil will come with a pamphlet of impossible riddles in its Polish dialect, along with a pronunciation guide.

LOT 4. ARMORED PERSONNEL CARRIER

An M113 Armored Personnel Carrier. The interior was once covered in a homogenized blend of human tissues, but this has decayed to reveal a beautiful, mandala-like pattern of metal and plastic. In his 1938 expedition to Tibet, Ernst Schäfer heard stories of a passage in the Tarim Basin to a sort of anti-Shamballa. Though he was unable to ever get the budget to follow up on these stories, his notes ended up in the hands of a covert unit of the American army, which during its occupation of Afghanistan launched its own investigation. This APC is all that remains of them. Meditation within the APC produces super-normal feelings of peace and clarity. Prolonged meditation awakens memories of "the womb within the womb". Achieving such a state more than once in a given year is not recommended, as this will result in the metamorphosis of the brain into an ambulatory and self-sustaining form which escapes the skull and any further confinement through extra-spatial movement. Bidding for this item will begin at $40,000 due to transportation costs.

LOT 5. THE BULL OF THE PIT

A dog the size of a percheron, bred by a circle of Palladists in the late 1920s as the nexus of their efforts to introduce diabolical blood into the nascent "pit bull" dog lineage. By their design, every child mauled by a pit bull would act as a Satanic sacrifice that channeled energy into this, the pittest bull. While the dog could be an intimidating companion on its own, the real value is in this energy, which continues to be supplied in bulk thanks to the ongoing efforts of the Process Church of the Final Judgement. Responds to the name "Nanny".

LOT 6. BLACK LIGHTNING

A magnetic canister containing a sample of paradimensional force which resembles a lingering bolt of black lightning. Provided to DARPA researchers by the entities which reside beyond the portal within Saturn's "hexagon" in exchange for ritual killings conducted by Tiger Force (Recon) 1-327th, along with several other technologies instrumental to the development of the internet. The black lightning is capable of transmuting biological minds into purely electrical consciousnesses, and of extracting energy from minds experiencing states of extreme suffering in apparent violation of thermodynamics.

LOT 7. THE PAUPER'S NOOSE

A silver necklace set with glittering yellow lynguriums. By legend given to a Genoese beggar-girl by the King of All Cats, and used to behead her by the same when she befriended a stray dog. From there the necklace made its way around the necks of a rich merchant's wife in Constantinople, the mistress of a Burji sultan, and a duchess of Mecklenburg, to name a few. Besides being a beautiful and storied piece of jewelry, the wearer of this necklace is blessed with the loyalty of all sorts of cats - as loyal as cats get to any master, anyways. Its wearer could walk among a pride of starving lions without so much as a scratch. With this blessing it seems to come with a curse - many of its wearers have died, prematurely and gorily, with the necklace by some means involved.

LOT 8. 2012 TORRIT GREY

A unique annual blend of dry pigments collected from air filters used by the Gamblin paint company. A flat, metallic surface painted with the 2012 Torrit Grey and oriented towards the light of the decan Ruax for three days and nights will become sensitized to certain otherwise-invisible spectra, and discolour when exposed to cursed objects, rifts to other planes of existence, and suchlike in manners that suggest their nature and severity. This lot comes with seven buckets of the paint - all that could be recovered after its anomalous properties had been discovered.

LOT 9. MUSICAL AUTOMATON

A humanoid automaton made of bronze and lacquered wood. Though traditionally attributed to the legendary Yan Shi, modern dating technology places it a millennium and a half after his supposed lifetime. When its internal mechanisms are wound with a cord of dried skin taken lengthwise from above the spinal column, the automaton is capable of playing musical instruments with great skill. Of particular interest is its ability to perform songs which would have an incapacitating mental or spiritual effect on a human performer, and of which a recording would not suffice.

LOT 10. MONA LISA SCHEMATICS

Pages from an otherwise-lost notebook of Leonardo da Vinci. They detail in notes and diagrams the vivisection and reassembly of the subject of his Mona Lisa painting into a tower-mounted weapon of unknown effect, apparently at her own request. Initial cryptographic analysis suggests the location of this device is encoded in the schematics, though the full discovery, and whether the procedure can be replicated, has been left to the schematics' final owner.

LOT 11. SOUL-FIXER

A hexapodal pseudo-insectoid with a variety of hooked mouthparts. Its shell is made of marrowless bone and its body cavities are filled with phlegm-soaked hair. The being is depicted in a Nazca geoglyph since removed from the public eye. It was recovered for this auction from an American mercenary outfit operating out of Colombia. By reaching its mouthparts into someone's nostrils and tear ducts in a perverse sort of "kiss" it can remove the qualia of guilt, mercy, and suchlike, creating perfect liars, suits, and killers. If the removal was performed less than a week ago the being can be forced to regurgitate what it has taken - either to restore it to the person it was taken from, or to double it in another. Cooperation of the soul-fixer can be obtained through the application of capsaicin to its spiracles.

LOT 12. ICON OF HALF-SAINT RADA

Orthodox icon made in honour of a woman who was martyred single-handedly defending her hamlet from Wehrmacht looters, who is not officially recognized and only locally venerated. Framed with welded bullet casings. When the icon is displayed in your home it will deafen and rattle intruders as if by nearby artillery fire, so long as you have not committed any sins against the Christian religion within.

LOT 13. CELESTIAL CORRESPONDENCE PHONE

A half-melted red plastic rotary phone, along with the tasteful late 19th-century wooden side table it's fused to. The dial does not have traditional numbers, but rather symbols reminiscent of those used in Al-Marjānī's zairjas. With the right combinations the phone enables communication with intelligences that variously claim to be angels, the plasmic essences of stars, enlightened ultraterrestrial gurus, magmic siliconoids, and suchlike. These intelligences are well-informed on natural issues of wide scale - gamma ray bursts, volcanic eruptions, and suchlike - yet struggle to understand anything of human concern. With the wrong combination, these same entities will quite literally fry your brain.

LOT 14. THE AVON SARIRAS

Pearlescent beads retrieved from the fire amputation pit used by a Noongar man who had fought with British forces and suffered a bullet wound in his leg that became infected. Buddhist priests who examined the beads confirmed that the man was the final incarnation of the wisdom king Yamantaka.

LOT 15. SCRUMPTIOUS MIKE

A 42 year old Caucasian male by the name of Michael Keller. He is missing his lips, tongue, genitals, and most of his right cheek. Both his legs have been amputated just above the knee. Thanks to his unique protein profile, Michael's flesh (and to a lesser extent, his bodily fluids) hold a neuro-chemically perfect umami flavour. Regrettably, the right to stud cannot be included with his purchase. Best paired with a fine Merlot.

LOT 16. THE ROOT RACE

Three breeding pairs of a transgenic species of vegetable humanoids created by a top secret Tanzanian black budget research and development program during the height of Cold War atomic fear. They are as obedient as well-mannered children, immune to the negative effects of all but vapourizing levels of radiation exposure, and can be tapped for certain extracts otherwise found only in high-grade homunculi.

LOT 17. MRNA ROYALTY OVERRIDE

A syringe containing a gene-modifying solution which will replace your own genes with those of a grandson of Charlemagne, reconstructed from blood spattered on a bandage kept by an obscure order of French monks who mistakenly believed it to be Christ's shroud. Several days of fatigue, fever, insomnia, and soreness around the injection site are to be expected, followed by some degree of hair shedding and skin sloughing. Usage of the syringe will place you thirty-third in line to inherit the crown of France, as well as an honourary title in the Knights Templar.

LOT 18. JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S PENIS

Preserved per his will along with several vials of sperm samples in a solar-powered cryogenic pod the size of a beer cooler. As a bonus, the penis and its accoutrements also come with the original, unedited copy of Eyes Wide Shut, featuring footage of the 1998 Black Auction that Mr. Kubrick regrettably chose to candidly record. To the disappointment of many members who vied for this hotly contested item, Mr. Epstein's head was lost along with many other invaluable items in 2020 and is no longer available for bidding.

LOT 19. HEAVEN SHAKER ASHURA

In the waning days of World War II a manned suicide torpedo was fired by the Japanese navy. This torpedo's propeller failed. This torpedo never detonated. The man meant to guide this torpedo went mad with rage within its metal shell, his screams reverberating endlessly even after he suffocated. The torpedo was recovered in time for this auction after its position was triangulated by psychic-sensitives, each of whom was driven murderously insane by its influence. We do not and cannot guarantee the impact of this torpedo's detonation, but by all accounts it will be wide, and reach high enough to shake the lower orders of the divine.

LOT 20. TEQUILA WORM

A bottle of Don Julio tequila with what appears to be a worm floating in it. The apparent worm is in fact a hermaphroditic and biologically-immortal fetus, the perfected form of the German alchemist Casimir Dreschler, who studied under Daoist masters, and is credited by some with translating the texts which would later inspire Hegel's dialectics.

GLOGtober Challenge: A Monster Described Only Through Conflicting Folklore & Rumour; Or: The Granfalgroo

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Challenge courtesy of Vivanter: https://mediumsandmessages.bearblog.dev/

🥄

You two come and eat your fill of the granfalgroo,
All pantry-things at hand have gone into this stew,
Dig in til nothing's left, come on give it a chew,
It will be your end if we've had our fill of you!

GRAN

'Ewere drinkup!: the molly-combs glister to the twinking stars between them, enswathing indigold roots invest'iridal floors, twiralled in flocorum and once more in chiaroscurry-all strips - slimp strathe-wise 'cross the lambent flumes for 'ewhenin the grand-fall-grew how're glass'n into verse.

 FAL

Potstruck, stewstrewn, lumpin' poured,
Breadtack driven, hardstale board,
Puncture, sancle, 'testin' cord,
Proud-lapse coockle oh my lord!
Strifelin' tatter'd, exeunt-bound,
Outed houses, s'loose the hound!
Snuckle swoofley yack-end ground,
Wiff-club grample, smaff, and pound!
Death rats clean with rock-dove coo,
Struck downstrewn the granfalgroo!

GROO

Sup twice from the maenad's cup and tere-tair-up from the withinside-out:
I tell you true for the granfalgroo is NOT the grundaloot IS not the sweembairn and IS NOT the nardypuce;
Yet forgiven underforgotten, grave-packed you'll be for mistaking them and he!

GROO

It splatters it squelches it rushes it crushes it kills you out right from within and without with torn-out nails and bursted tripe it knows you it smells you it knows that it smells you but not with its nose it smells from the heart and the hart and the hare and the brown and the stew and it knows where you sleep it knows when you sleep it's watched you through life with eyes not its own and fish-heads burble and bobble and pickled eggs wobble it won't do you good go hungry get clear it won't shed a tear for a lick of your fear

FAL

Once upon a time there was a boy
A nasty little boy
 Who did nasty little things
He pissed in pies on the sill
And plucked the wings off chickens
And he was very rude to his uncle
And one day the nasty little boy died
His head was like a drumstick
With meat slurped off the bone
His hands had been peeled like potatoes
And his chest made for a deep bowl of soup
No one attended his funeral
And people quietly thanked the granfalgroo

GRAN

A smidge of porridge on the door,
A boar's head rolling 'neath the floor,
In beds on tables gruesome gore,
Old man still sleeping, what a snore!
Tummy rumbling, chin all a'biled,
What's left unsaid can come out wild,
In pots and pans it brews and stews
And spills out deadly granfalgroos!