my little world

Hello to all who reads this,

I thought that I might join the massive world of blogging so coming

to live journal was any easy choice. I could write without friends

seeing this till am ready for them to see. I am kinda private with

some of my thoughts and feelings. I know it's weird me coming out

here and revealing it to strangers on the web but here I can type

and I don't come into contact with you like I do my friends.

Granted those who do actually read this will find that I don't

write on a constant basis and I don't write stories it's just

thougts and feelings.


So here's what I've been feeling,


I just graduated from college this year and am really proud of

myself, I don't wanna go into the field that quickly am 22 which is

older than some getting into the field but I don't think am ready.

So now when people who are neighboors or family friends ask me if

I've gotten a job at a school and I reply no I wanted to get out of

that field for a bit and get some life experience I feel like there

putting me down. I mean I've spent my entire life wanting to work

at a school teaching students and every placement in school I've

done as been at a school which I loved cause I got to meet some

great students but I've never seen what else is out there and

becuse of this love at an early age my parents just pushed me more

into it which is great but wouldn't have helped me to show more

things I could do? So now am unemployed and looking in a new field

receptionists. Now it's hard cause I live in a small town and jobs

are scarce the only job that I could get is a fast food job and not

to bash the fast food industry but I've done that before and I

don't like coming home smelling of oil. I wanna be able to dress

up in dress pants and heels and blouses and come home smelling the

same way I left in my nice J.Lo glow perfume. That and there's one

other thing on my mind is that I can't get a date or a night on the

town in such a long time. At school I was able to go to the dance

club and dance and drink the night away and granted I didn't get as

much attention as I would like but it was better than at home. Now

since I've been home there's been nothing. I know that I don't go

out here but the bars here are full of older men that probably knew

my dad or one of my aunt or uncles. Plus I don't have the same

friends I do here so I can't go to the bar. Also I have a friend

who is in college in the city and while I would love to visit her

she's busy and has a roomie so there aren't going to be many

visits. Plus I feel kinda jealous of her since she's had more

experience than me and will get to go out and get the experiences

that I want. I want to be able to use my lips for more than

eating. I've forgotten what kissing feels like it's been that long

and when I was in college I kinda got roped into buying condoms

thinking/hoping that I would be able to use them at college, but

the only use I've had with them is giving them to my friends. I

was telling my friend that that's all they were good for and I'd

have to probably throw them away cause they will expire before I

get a guy in bed. Granted they run out in 3 years from now and she

laughed at me telling me that I would use them before then but 3

yrs ago I was thinking that by this time I would've already have

had sex with a guy and now with my little funk am thinking that

another 3yrs will go by with me still being virgin. Am thinking I

might be the female version of the 40yr virgin. All my dreams that

I had as a child/teen are dashed I thought that I would be in a

relationship soon to be engaged or even married with a possiblity

of a baby on the way. I wanted to be a young mom like my mom but

with the way am going I'll be old and a spinister. I know am not

the prettiest girl in the world but I know am not the ugliest

either. I am just getting really tired of being alone and watching

everyone around me being with someone. I mean my mom is dating and

she's had up to 6 men chasing after her and I can't get one. Also

my my grandmother is on my case now about a relationship when I was

finishing my last placement I got a job at the mall she made the

remark that I could now meet a guy at the mall. I doubt that I

would want to me a guy at the mall I've see the guys there.

There's not a lot of good guys that are single in this town I know

I've been living here my entire life and I've seen the worse I

think I've been scarred from the guys in this town plus I had my

dad telling me that the guys around here are the greatest. I

believed him I could see the evidence against the guys since I

started school. Though recently I did develop a crush on this guy

from here. It was 2 yrs ago while I was working at a car factory.

He was much older than myself well he was in his early 30's and I

was only 20. He was also divorced and had 3 children. His eyes

were incredible the most intensive green eyes ever. I caught

myself a couple of times staring at them. I mean we flirted but I

thought he was to old and he wasn't interested in me but when I

talked to one of the co-workers I found out that he was dating one

of the summer workers who was only a year older than me. I pushed

him away and I didn't get him. Granted that's not to say that I

would've gotten him if I had made myself more available but I still

think about him and I still see parts of him in guys that I see.

He reminds me of Rob Thomas so everytime I hear a song or see a

video I think of him or hear a song that was drilled into our heads

at the plant I think of the factory and some of the people there

and the summer on whole. I saw him once in the fall after I left I

was in the car with my mom looking out the window and I saw him

putting things into his trunk or his new car. Since I sometimes

look at the factory looking for his beat up old brown van if I have

to go by the factory. I've have been seeing one guy that I worked

with he was very quiet I think for the whole summer I heard him

speak like a handful of sentences. So seeing him I think of my

green eyed man wondering if he's still with the girl or if he's

seeing someone else or if he's still living in town. Wondering if

I'll get to see him again in passing at a grocery store or

walmart/zellers or a coffee shop. Maybe I think to much of him but

I think that's because I really think that I could've gotten him

and I pushed him away because he didn't fit the standard I thought

I should be with since he was older and from here and divorced with

kids granted now I don't care. I don't think I cared about him

being divorced with kids so much as his age. Now am more open to a

larger age gap but I still won't go over 30 for about anouther

couple of years unless it's him he would be the only one that I

would consider dating not unless luke perry magically wants me lol

like that would ever happen. I guess I should go I feel better

having written this down and maybe I won't get into another slump

till my fave shows come back on since there full of relationships

with the kissing and having sex. lol night y'all