Like Crystal
Title: Like Crystal
Author: 
all_depends
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Rydon
POV: Third
Summary: Brendon and Ryan are a happy, loving couple. Really, they are! Well, except…
Disclaimer: This is all fiction. I don’t own the boys or anyone for that matter. The only thing mine is the story.
Beta: youignorantfool (I'm running out of betas, so if you're interested, let me know.)
Author Notes: You guys like sappy, right? Okay, thank you. A few things here and there are taken from the song “Vestido Azul” by LODVG, including the title. It’s almost the 12th, so I guess I should say happy birthday to someone, but… I don’t know. I’m ambivalent.
The sun waves, burning as they always were in the middle of June, stimulated the sweat on Brendon’s skin that covered him for running at a great speed. The weariness, the difficulty of running on the sand, and the discomfort of the sweat and heat didn’t stop him, for his joy was enough to keep him lively. When he was caught up to and knocked over, Ryan’s weight that fell on him and the bruise of falling on the sand hurt him slightly. But instead of whining, Brendon and Ryan laughed out loud one under the other.
Both of them loved the beach. The sun and the ocean were perfect for them, and even more when enjoying them together. But the charms of the sea did not only bring them fun, but also gave them a dreamy night.
Holding hands, Brendon and Ryan observed the moon and the stars. Little time was needed now for Brendon to fall asleep after hours of physical activity. Ryan had been, like it was usual, more still, so his fatigue was not as great. When turning his head and seeing Brendon’s eyes so sleepy and sweet, it inspired Ryan to turn his body and rest his hand on his chest to apply a loving kiss on his mouth. Brendon smiled weakly to him at the same time that he closed his eyes, ready to fall into a deep sleep with the help of the waves that lulled him.
“Aren’t you cold?” asked Ryan.
“Not if you hug me,” answered Brendon without looking.
Ryan cuddled up to his shoulder and acted as he had insinuated. Then he gave him another kiss, this time on his jaw and a little more open, and Brendon tasted like saltwater. “I love you. A lot,” he whispered.
“I love you, too.”
Brendon did not ask for much. Even though life had not always given him the best, he claimed to know happiness. And how was he not supposed to know it, having by his side such a great partner? To Brendon, he was his happiness. Ryan was the love of his life. Nobody compared, and nobody would replace him. He was worth everything, even his family’s rejection for being homosexual. They did not understand that having a partner of the opposite sex was not necessary to love, and boy did he know it.
What was beautiful was that Ryan felt the same way. Brendon was his piece of heaven, his wingless angel, his eternal love. The love they felt for one another was powerful, so much that the dependency between them was equally admirable and pitiful. But they loved each other, and they were happy.
Brendon did not have much to ask for other than to have Ryan always in his life.
~~~
Brendon knows that his jealousy has no excuse. Those girls that go out with him are not going to take him from him. He’s not interested. They barely met and they’re nothing to worry about. For some reason, Brendon feels they get too close to him. Perhaps how attractive they are make him unnecessarily nervous every time Ryan laughs with them or greets them with a kiss. He feels foolish for taking Ryan’s hand so that he won’t leave. But he can’t help the intuition.
~~~
“Ryan, do you love me?” asks Brendon somewhat insecure.
“But of course! What kind of question is that? I love you like crazy,” Ryan answers him smiling. He turns off the light in the room and lies down next to Brendon under the covers.
A few seconds afterward, Brendon is still intrigued. “Then you would never cheat on me, right?”
Ryan turns to look at him and smiles again. “No. Why do you ask? Brendon, I don’t like it when you start with this.”
“I’m not starting with anything. I just want to make sure that you wouldn’t cheat on me with anyone.” Brendon lies on his side to see Ryan directly. “There’s never been anyone else?”
“Enough!” he replies upset. “Brendon, I told you I love you, right? Stop asking. There’s never been anyone else, okay?” He turns over so that his back is turned to Brendon.
“Okay. I believe you.” He gives him a kiss on the neck since giving it to him on the mouth would be kind of hard from his position. Then he lays facing up on his pillow and proceeds to sleep.
~~~
With the passage of time, Brendon notices that Ryan is not the same. He’s paying less and less attention every time and becomes more nervous without reason. Ryan denies it once and once more, but Brendon is sure that he’s going out with someone else.
Brendon’s preoccupation is evident and Ryan takes notice of it. That’s why sometimes he asks questions about things he doesn’t care about. That’s why sometimes he takes him to places that bore him. That’s why sometimes he turns off his phone at night. Nevertheless, Brendon notices when he doesn’t listen, or isn’t in a good mood, or doesn’t answer some calls. His attitude hurts him, and so do the lies that from miles away he can distinguish. One after the other Brendon gets tired of hearing them.
~~~
It’s hard. It’s hard to arrive at the beach at a time when many are asleep but you know you won’t be able to sleep that night. It is not easy at all for Brendon to park a few yards away from Ryan’s car and see him with a woman. Sitting outside on the front of the car, they don’t imagine that Brendon is spying on them in the dark and can barely see them kissing. Brendon’s mind freezes, and he can feel his stomach is sick. Immediately his eyes begin to burn with heavy, acidic tears. And even though he wants to, he can’t take away his eyes from his boyfriend and his lover. When he sees that their chafing becomes more ardent, he decides he can take it no longer and gets out of there.
The lights are off completely, and the silence feeds Brendon’s thoughts and melancholy. From his side of the bed, he yearns for sleep to find him. But the empty space by his side and the clock that drives him to despair minute by minute are torturing; and the image so vivid in his memory follows him, whether it be with eyes open or closed; and his heart beats too uncontrollably to be relaxed enough to fall asleep.
After what seems like hours and hours, noises in the living room announce that Ryan has arrived. Brendon turns over so that Ryan won’t see his face when he enters the room. When the door opens and his presence is made present, Brendon takes out of nowhere the courage to ask Ryan for an explanation. He turns his whole body around, but upon seeing Ryan, both become immobile, and Brendon’s intrepidity is replaced with hurt, shame, and cowardice. Once again he hides in the position he had adopted while Ryan quietly gets in bed next to him.
Neither of them says anything. Neither closes his eyes to make an effort to fall asleep. And while Brendon swallows the restlessness of his tragedy, Ryan fills with remorse.
~~~
“It’s just… I honestly don’t know if I can go on with this,” Ryan says. His hands are sweating, and his head is spinning.
“Don’t say that, please,” she responds.
“But it’s the right thing. I can’t take this guilt anymore. And I think that my destiny is with him. I can’t do this to him.” His voice isn’t so shaky, but his eyes are beginning to redden.
“Ryan, don’t leave me.”
“But I love him.”
“Are you sure about that?”
The question frustrates him, and without wanting to answer it, he closes his eyes and covers his face with both hands. His partner takes him fondly by the hair and kisses his temple. She leans on his shoulder, doubting about how many more times she will see him again. She doesn’t like to think that there might not be another one, and that’s why she kisses him like there is no tomorrow. Ryan doesn’t know if her endearment relieves or worsens his conscience.
It’s that same night that Brendon goes out. Ryan isn’t home, and there’s no need to be a foreteller to know where he is. So Brendon decides to ease his grief at a bar.
In his drunkenness, he speaks out loud to himself and cries alone. Momentarily he is tempted to leave with someone else, but not even the alcohol convinces him to give Ryan a taste of his own medicine. Sometimes he takes out his phone to call him and tell him that he loves him, although he never does. He only drinks and thinks about what Ryan is surely doing this precise moment.
When the bartender notices he is so devastated and with no sign of putting down the bottle, he suggests that he stop drinking so much. Brendon takes this as an insult and tells the bartender brusquely not to get in his business. He loses so much control that he is forced to exit the bar.
Brendon has no other option but to go back home. Without thinking about it, he gets inside his car and drives to his house. He doesn’t think Ryan is there yet, and truthfully he’s not sure if he wants him there. If he’s not home, he won’t have to face him drunk. However, if he’s not there, he’ll know that his little girlfriend is pleasing him somewhere else. Either way, what does it matter? Ryan is unfaithful; whatever happens in the next couple of hours is the least to worry about.
When Ryan says goodbye to his lover without reaching any sort of conclusion, the sky receives him with an intense and wild rain. He raises his jacket to his head to cover it and gets in the car.
When driving, he does so cautiously, for the hard rain at night is threatening. For that same reason, he doesn’t want to answer his phone either, which is ringing in his pants. He takes it out anyway to check the source of the call and is surprised to find that it isn’t Brendon. He cannot think of anyone else who could be calling him at this time, so he answers the call just in case it’s an emergency.
It is.
Ryan enters the hospital as fast as the lightning from outside. In the waiting room, he trembles in his seat while he waits, impatient, for the doctor to bring him news. When a man dressed in white and sky blue approaches him, Ryan instantly gets on his feet as he gets goose bumps. He almost tells the doctor that he doesn’t want to hear what he was to say and starts crying in the middle of the room, imploring Heaven for things to be different.
The doctor tells him that Brendon is in very bad conditions. He says that he suffered injuries in nearly his whole body, and that his legs are pretty much useless. It’s hard to tell whether he will be able to walk in the future.
Inside Brendon’s room, Ryan’s heart sinks when he sees him laying on the stretcher with his face so ill-treated. Even in his sleep he looks in pain. The bruises hurt even Ryan. He gets closer and examines him with his eyes. Then he kneels down next to him and takes his hand. From up close, the hospital smell is dispelled by Brendon’s liquor stench. It reminds Ryan that he desperately needs a drink.
“Forgive me, Brendon.”
~~~
“Brendon, guess what!” says Ryan with great optimism.
“What’s up?” asks Brendon from his wheelchair. He doesn’t seem to share Ryan’s good mood. He never does anymore.
“The doctors say there’s the possibility that you’ll recover! You’re gonna walk again!”
Brendon smiles at him for a moment. Ryan missed that smile. “It’s possible, but not for sure,” Brendon says almost as a question.
“Well, technically it’s not for sure, but I know it will happen. I have faith in you and in destiny.” Ryan walks toward Brendon and leans forward to kiss him with desire. “You’ll see that everything will be back to normal. You don’t know how much I love you.”
~~~
Brendon is sitting on the bed, and Ryan is leaning on the wall opposite to him. The two of them are looking down, but Ryan is the one that doesn’t look at him in the eyes very often when speaking to him.
“How can you go on with this? Don’t you ever change?”
“I know, I know.”
“Then what? You’re gonna be like this for the rest of your life? I’m not willing to put up with your little adventures.”
“I know, Brendon! I’m sorry!”
“No, you’ve already apologized too many times. No more. You sleep with one or with many and you expect me to forgive you every time.”
“Yes, I’ve cheated on you many times, but I won’t do it again.” Ryan gets close to him and kneels down in front of him. “I promise you that this time I’m gonna change. I’ve told you many other times, but this time it’s over for sure.”
Brendon shakes his head and discards Ryan’s false promises. “Why continue? I don’t want to anymore.”
“No! No, Brendon, I love you! Give me one more chance! The last one, I promise! Don’t leave me, please!” Ryan begs him from his knees with tears in his eyes. When seeing that Brendon won’t answer him, he gets up from the ground and starts walking aimlessly through the room. “Say something! Say yes!”
“How do you expect me to say yes if you keep sleeping with God knows who?!”
“But I won’t do it anymore! Brendon, I can’t live without you! I’ll do anything! Don’t do this to me!”
“Ryan, you know what?! You’re such a…!” Brendon makes the effort to get up from the bed, but his legs can’t take it, and he falls to the ground. Ryan right away helps him get back on the bed. By then, Brendon is crying. “I can’t anymore.”
~~~
As soon as Ryan opens the door to his house, a tremendous silence welcomes him. He also feels a chill on his body that could have been just the wind when he closed the door. He leaves his keys on the table and enters the room to look for Brendon. He’s not there, and Ryan thinks it’s extremely strange. “Brendon?!” he yells to find him, but there’s no answer.
It’s not until he enters the bathroom that he finds the horrific image of Brendon sitting on the floor covered in blood. Ryan covers his mouth and runs out of breath when he sees Brendon dead with a broken wine glass on his hand. His cries are echoed in the bathroom walls, and his tears shower his cheeks. He doesn’t do anything but cry and slide down the wall to sit in front of his loved one’s cadaver. He can’t take his eyes off his face.
From the ground, he soon notices the corner of a sheet of paper that is on the sink. When Ryan unfolds it, he finds that it is a suicide letter. He reads it and, as if all this wasn’t bad enough already, it kills his heart even more. He groans to himself with an enormous fury and pain. He puts the letter down, and with fear he approaches Brendon to kiss him uncontrollably as if his kisses could bring his soul back into his body. He asks him to forgive him, to come back, and tells him that he loves him more than anything in this world.
Ryan,
I’m tired of living like this. I’m tired of all these false hopes and continuous let downs. I know I’m taking the easy way out, but I don’t care about anything anymore, and I have no strength to keep trying. I hope God can forgive me, and I hope He can forgive your blatancies. You’re a stupid jerk for doing what you did to me. But despite your lies, I can’t help loving you insanely. Dammit, Ryan, you are the love of my life. I love you!
As a last favor, I want you to give me a kiss, one for goodbye in which you leave me the love you feel for me, if it exists. And if there is, unfortunately not even that could nor will it ever change you. And now that I’m leaving, we’ll be forced to end this relationship that was never going to work. It’s over. With my blood I write this ending.
Forever goodbye,
Brendon.