Keeping Up Appearances is a British sitcom that aired on TV in the UK in the early 90s. The central character is an eccentric and snobbish middle-class social climber, Hyacinth Bucket, who insists that her surname is pronounced "Bouquet".
The sitcom follows Hyacinth in her attempts to prove her social superiority, and to gain standing with those she considers upper class. In reality, she is from a lower-class family and background, which she is desperate to hide. The show was a big hit (with my parents at least) but it wasn’t my cup of tea because I couldn’t stand the main character, Hyacinth, as she seemed to be such an unrealistic fraud.
I mention it now because I may have to soften my attitude towards Hyacinth.
To explain better, a little background:
I have a secret side-business (well not anymore, obviously) making handcrafted leather items. No whips and boots, just simple things like key cases, belts and small bags.
In order to improve my skills, I often buy secondhand leather goods in recycle stores to deconstruct them to see how they are made. It’s actually a lot of fun treasure hunting for old leather items. Well, usually at least.
A few days ago, I cycled miles from my house to visit the Second Street recycle shop in Hatae, Itoshima. Naturally, as it was the middle of a 35-degree, scorching-hot summer’s day, when I arrived, my T-shirt and shorts were soaked with sweat and I was probably emitting an odour not unlike that of an old pair of gym shoes. No harm done – nobody knows me in Hatae.
Or so I thought.
After browsing around the shop for a while, I found two lady’s handbags which I decided to buy (for the dizzying sum of 880yen - incl. tax, since you ask) and headed down to the first floor of the shop to pay. As I approached the cash register, I realised that the cashier was – yes, you guessed it – one of my students from the university where I teach English part-time!
I immediately thought about abandoning the lady’s handbags (one in each hand) but too late, she had spotted me. We had a brief, awkward chat at the counter (apparently that was her part-time job, and no, she hadn’t had much of a summer holiday...) while she tried her best not to laugh.
Of course, I realised that in one embarrassing moment my professional image as a smartly-dressed, clean-cut ‘university lecturer’ had disappeared forever.
There she was – a pleasant and polite young lady working efficiently at a company. And there I was; a sweaty old man, smelling like a pair of old gym shoes, clutching two lady’s handbags.
Game over.
Martin
ACE English はこちら。 ご質問・お問い合わせはメールにて大絶賛受付中[email protected]
Interested in buying a haunted house? That may sound like a rhetorical question, but there seems to be a market for them in the UK. Five alone are introduced on this web site:
Situated in the deep folds of beautiful Abergavenny, this detached home is near the The Skirrid Mountain Inn pub — a place with a brutal history as a courthouse. According to locals, it's thought 180 criminals were found guilty and hanged here.
And it can be yours for a mere £575,000 (about 111,000,000yen). Positive thinkers obviously.
Anyway, I wasn’t simply browsing dark topics online, but a few years ago I found an old farmhouse for sale in the mountains (okay, low hills) in Saga near Mitsuse. It was surprisingly cheap (3,000,000yen) and at the time I was looking to set up a place in the country to care for abandoned dogs.
When I contacted the estate agent listed on the sign, they were less than keen to show me the property – which was a bit odd as they were supposed to be trying to sell it.
After a lot of persuasion, one elderly salesman agreed to show me and the boss (my wife) the house. On opening the door and entering the entrance, a pungent smell – a sort of mixture of mould, rotten food and dead fish – hit us with full force. The house was also full of trash. Old clothes scattered about, a fridge full of rotten food and large, blackened jars of “ume-shu”; a cup left on the kitchen table with long-dried tea stains. And, of course, white ants had been having a party under the floorboards.
I knew it would be a huge challenge to clean up and renovate, but the old farmhouse had been well-built and the structure was robust. Just my kind of place then.
After a bit of nudging, the estate agent admitted that the “previous owner” had died in the house and not been found for “a few days”. Although the estate agent refused to say where the man had died, when we went up to the second floor, there was a room with a huge dark stain near the middle of the tatami. There was also a full ashtray. I could just imagine the man half-finishing his last cigarette there.
The boss wasn’t impressed.
I tried to explain to her that “obake houses” were worth a lot of money in the UK and that Saga might have a boom in them in years to come. Couldn’t we at least consider offering “Ghostly experiences” on Airbnb? We might make a fortune!
That also appeared to be a rhetorical question.
So, if you have a strong stomach and you are interested in investing in a haunted Airbnb holiday home, do get in touch .
I’m waiting.
And I may not be waiting alone…
ACE English はこちら。 ご質問・お問い合わせはメールにて大絶賛受付中[email protected]
The Cambridge Dictionary defines a wall as: a vertical structure, often made of stone or brick, that divides or surrounds something
Although precise, this definition lacks any sense of the depth, quality, beauty and craftsmanship that is often overlooked when we consider the concept of a wall.
Unfortunately, the first image that comes to mind when I think of a wall is it is something to be circumvented or overcome - a prison or barrier of some sort. Most English idioms or metaphors that incorporate the word wall are also rather negative:
To be walled in (to be enclosed or surrounded by a wall or barrier, to be trapped) To hit the wall (come to a point where no further progress is possible) To drive someone up the wall (really irritate or annoy someone – a favourite of my wife’s, of course). The list goes on.
So, perhaps it’s time to show a little appreciation of, er, well, walls.
On my way home after work, I often walk to Ropponmatsu subway station from my workplace in Akasaka. It’s a pleasant little stroll (when the weather is fine and not too hot) between Maizuru and Ohori parks. Along the route, it’s impossible not to notice the beauty and craftsmanship of the walls that were built to protect (the invisible) Fukuoka castle.
Can you see the castle?
Another view of the castle
The castle overlooking a tree and some pretty flowers
I also noticed, just behind the prestigious Ohori High School, this fun artwork painted on the side of a house (a real building which actually exists behind the wall).
So perhaps, with the evidence I have offered, we could have the cheek to modify the Cambridge Dictionary definition of wall to something slightly more descriptive:
Wall: (noun) a vertical(ish) structure, often made of stone or brick and which may occasionally be aesthetically pleasing, that divides or surrounds something that may, or may not actually be there
And I know what you’re thinking: If you are evaluating and appreciating walls, maybe it’s time to get a life.
Guilty, as charged
ACE English はこちら。 ご質問・お問い合わせはメールにて大絶賛受付中[email protected]
Like British cooking, old age seems to have a bad reputation and should - as far as possible - be avoided at all costs. It's hard to argue with that as there are lots of negatives within the "joys of ageing", but for today, at least, let's set those aside and focus on one really pleasant activity that people of any age can enjoy: swimming in the sea.
Swimming in the sea is a cost-effective way to exercise. All you need is some cheap swimwear and lots of sea. In Fukuoka, we are fortunate in that we have plenty of both. Personally, I like to use baggy swim shorts because (apart from looking really cool…?) they have zipped pockets for keys, coins, and plenty of space for other necessities when you go swimming – like cheese and pickle sandwiches. I also wear a long-sleeved swim shirt which protects against minor irritants like sunburn, jellyfish, and great white sharks, of course.
Naturally, getting to the sea is also required and for that I use my trusty (read rusty) old mountain bike, which - much like its rider - has seen better days. It takes about twenty minutes to arrive at Atagohama (the nearest beach) from my home, and the trip includes a pleasant ride along the banks of Muromi River.
When I went out to Atagohama this morning (a Tuesday in early June), as it was a weekday there weren't many people around. A few elderly folk, some fishing and some walking, and one young, outstandingly positive thinker - a man wearing only his Speedos lying flat out under the baking sun, irradiating himself on a beach towel. Good idea.
After parking my bike and removing my sandals, I was good to go and headed across the sand, passing the cooking sunbather on the way, and headed into the sea. The youngster on the towel was probably thinking, "Ah, that old gaijin must be a positive thinker, he's actually going for a swim in the sea at his age." Good idea.
The water was fantastic. A lovely cool temperature and the waves were low due to the slight summer breeze. I swam out slowly in relaxed strokes to the sea wall. Although I'm not a good or stylish swimmer, swimming in the sea is easy for everyone because we all float in salt water
Swimming in the sea is also fabulous mental therapy, too. It's impossible to have hubris when you swim in the sea because you know how small and powerless you are in the vast ocean. You also feel connected to everything. Sounds very deep in a Buddhist sense (of which I am neither) I know.
After some time spent swimming and floating about, I swam back to the beach and headed up the sand to retrieve my bicycle - once again passing the positive thinker, who by now was sound asleep on his colourful orange towel. After rinsing off my sandy feet and having a long drink at the water fountain (thoughtfully provided by Fukuoka City), I remounted my trusty steed and headed off to Muromi River once again.
The highlight of the ride home was passing a young mother with a baby. Very cute - and, as one of our entertaining students (S.L.) would have said - the baby, too. It was the highlight of the return trip because she unexpectedly gave me a warm smile as I passed by.
"Ha ha,” I thought, "Even at my age, I've still got it!"
"Ha ha" she thought, "Look at that old, wrinkled gaijin wobbling along on his bicycle with his shiny head – I wonder if he knows how funny he looks?”
How rude.
Anyway, I digress. My point is, if you have access to a beach and some slinky swimwear (baggy shorts come highly recommended) go for a splash - it's a true slice of heaven
ACE English はこちら。 ご質問・お問い合わせはメールにて大絶賛受付中[email protected]
In the past, there has been a lot of unwarranted criticism of British cooking. So I felt – as a Brit myself - it was high time I set the record straight. So here is a step-by-step guide revealing the secrets of how to cook the perfect British dinner.
Step 1: Find some suitable ingredients – these should preferably be frozen and from Europe. Don’t forget to balance the menu by including a healthy vegetable (one is enough).
Frozen French camembert & mushroom pies and Brussel sprouts from Belgium
Step 2: Place the frozen sprouts in a microwave oven and – after checking the instructions carefully on the back of the packet – cook for the correct time. While the sprouts are cooking, and after warming the pies in the microwave, place the pies in a toaster oven on aluminum foil to catch drips.
Pies correctly placed in a toaster oven – and set to 15 minutes
Step 3: And this step is very important so try not to skip it. While the food is cooking, take a beer from the fridge and enjoy it with a sophisticated appetizer. My recommendation is a bag of chips readily available in any supermarket in your local area.
Step 4: When the food is cooked, serve everything on a large plate – being extra careful to create an aesthetically pleasing look to enhance the overall appeal of the dish. It’s also a good idea to drink only water with the meal so that the subtle flavours of the food are not lost. Oh, and don’t forget to add copious amounts of garlic sauce (from Germany) to tickle your taste buds even further.
And that’s all there is to it. Now you can provide your friends or family with a completely new and exciting experience – a great British meal. Enjoy!
PS: Watch this space for new recipes, and please don’t forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel – aptly named (as the title suggests): The refined art of British cooking. Thank you very much .
ACE English はこちら。 ご質問・お問い合わせはメールにて大絶賛受付中[email protected]
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