Yesterday was not a busy day. It was a great day. We had a family day out. We drive 1.5 hours into the Black Forrest to find an indoor swim park. It was great. Kiddo loved it. I loved watching her. Husband spent lots of time encouraging her to do things that would have me hiding behind my hands. It was restful and bonding and lovely.

But it wasn’t self care.

That came after dinner was over, dishes were done and kiddo was asleep. I took a bath. I took a really nice, full of bubbles, lovely scented, long, hot bath. And I topped up the hot water when I needed to, because I wasn’t getting out until I had finished my book. So that is what I did and it was glorious.

Today is another slow day. Crafting with the kid. Making soup. Prepping catfish for dinner. But for me, I ate peanut butter and chocolate as my afternoon snack and started another book. Not sorry. I enjoyed every bite. Now back to work. Full. Happy. Relaxed.

Happy New Year, Folks.

I know it’s cliché, but I have always found January a good time for reflection, even if I have given up resolutions (is that a resolution? Hmmm). I have started to think about what I want to work towards this year and how I can progress in my self love direction. And this year I want to focus on Initiative. First, I’m gonna learn how to spell it. Initiative. There. Step one complete. Second, I am going to think about why I feel like I lack initiative. And third, what can I do to develop initiative.

The hardest part here is thinking about why I have no initiative. I have so much I can say about step 3, but in order for this to mean anything at all, I really need to address the root of the issue. And so that means thinking about why I have stopped working for myself. I used to. When I was in college I had so much initiative it was leaking out of my ears. Now, just nope. Nada. Nothing. I can always find a way to put off doing something until either the very last minute or someone else takes over. And I can tell you that it does not make me happy or help me sleep at night knowing that I have not done my very best during the day.

I think it starts with feeling powerless. Why do I feel powerless? No clue. I just know that I do. I want qualified people to make decisions and I am not one of these people. People that are qualified know their worth and are confident to make choices and can handle the ramifications afterward. I am downright timid these days. I hate upsetting people and as much as I want to have a strong opinion, I fear speaking it out loud. I think it naturally follows on from this that action is also an expression of opinion and self confidence and I currently am lacking in both.

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It is now February, and I still haven’t finished this blog post. I know that I have started acting on reclaiming my initiative. I have started work on integrating my strength and integrity with kindness and tact.  What I am not facing (and I put it here, so that I have to own this decision) is the root of the problem. I can change the way I act, and forge new methods of behavior, but it does nothing to solve the reason this started for me and does ABSOLUTELY nothing to prevent it from happening again. We are doomed to repeat that which we don’t understand. And this is why it has taken me over a month to publish this. Because I don’t want to do this work and I know that it’s the next step.

Bare with me, readers; I will come to it eventually. There will be hard truths to face along the way. I may struggle to find a way to put it into words. But the bright side, for me, is that people have been sharing with me how it makes them feel to read about my journey. And as much as some people have found this inspiring, I can tell you, that you inspire me more. Thanks for reading. Thanks for caring. And thanks for sticking with me.

Yesterday I was really busy. I almost didn’t make the time to do any self care. What I wanted to do was shower and put on make up, but part of me said that was stupid. I was going hashing, wearing sports gear. I do not need make up for that. In fact, the common sense side of me said there was no need to bring extra clothes, but to just wear my sports gear to my  pre hashing coffee date and then shower before  going to bed. And then I mentally listed all the baking, cleaning, packing, chores I also had to do, just to hammer point home.

But I thought about that impulse, the impulse to skip my wants and just go with common sense. And I showered. And put on make up. Because I WANTED to. Because it made me feel good. And I wore cute clothes. And it was nice.

Today I did nothing. And I mean that I did nothing in a very planned way. I watched Netflix. I made popcorn. I drank sparkling water. I have go pick up my daughter soon, but for my last day of vacation week, I relaxed. And I feel good about it.

Sometimes I need to write down a situation in order to see it clearly. Sometimes I hit a breakthrough in the shower. That happened to me the other day. I was thinking about why I have been afraid of owning my personality. And it took 20 minutes under hot water (with really nice shower gel) to see the patterns that formed in early childhood, with the friendships I had and the way I allowed myself to be treated. And it hit me, I was the throw away kid in the neighborhood. I was the one that was included if the cool kids were down a member. And when they weren’t, I was needed. It was cruel but normal. And I got used to the idea that I had to earn my place in social circles. This is a really hard thing to let go.

Today’s self care is writing it down. Making it real. And putting it out there. And it’s scary as shit.

Yesterday I treated myself to a bath and an early bedtime. It was awesome.

I don’t have to work this week. I plan on making a LOT of time for myself. Treating myself to some quality, relaxed time. Food shopping, cooking, walking, taking, sipping coffee will all be done with a heavy dose of chill.

Today I am getting a (rescheduled) haircut. I did my workout. I did the shopping. And I am currently sitting here with a face mask on before I hop in the shower.

Have a good day folks. And Happy Valentine’s Day.

My self care today looks like shoe shopping. I didn’t need ’em. I bought ’em anyway. And I got a similar pair for kiddo. We have been bonding more over the past few weeks, so why not have matching- ish shoes? It makes me smile. And smiling is the name of the game. Happy Sunday, everyone!

The husband is away.

Kiddo and I had a very nice girls day out, starting with the play park for her and bootcamp for me. Followed by coffee for me and hot chocolate for her. And cake for both of us. Followed by costume shopping for her and food shopping for me. Now she is in bed, tucked in, had stories, cuddles, kisses and loved more than I ever thought possible.

Now is time for me. I have a nice packet of biscuits. I have half a bottle of Prosecco. I have my PJ’s on. And Netfix. And my sewing. Tonight I will relax and enjoy the solitude.

I hate being me in new situations. I fear judgment. I tend toward ‘thoughtful’ in these situations. Quiet is better than people knowing outright what an idiot I can be.

We had a training day at work today. I went and I listened and I (hope) learned some stuff. After the training we had lunch. And I was just me. And I was scared about being me. But I did it. I thought this is as good a time as any to be brave and stand up to my fear. This whole blog project is about loving myself, being brave and talking about my challenges honestly. So I thought my self care for today could be to put my words into action. And do you know what disastrous things happened?

Not a damn thing.

I really couldn’t think of something nice to do for myself yesterday. So I went to bed early. That was a good decision.

Thursdays, I am usually out of the house close to 20 hours. Today self-care looks like shortening my day.

Addendum: Tea and chat with a friend helps put the world to rights. Or it puts the world slightly back on its axis. Either way, I can’t classify someone else making me feel good as self love, but it has definitely helped me shine a light on some of the things I need to remember that are wonderful about me. Thank you friend. Thank you so very much.

Today is a down day, dear readers. I could count the things that made me smile today, and many things did, but I am focusing, instead, on the shit I can’t control and being very negative. My workout was crap. My fault. I missed my hair appointment. My fault. I am a terrible leader. My fault. I am a bad friend. My fault.  Seeing a pattern here?

I can’t even figure out what my self care is for today. Why bother being kind to myself? I don’t deserve it.

So, my self care for today is accepting these feelings. I have them. They happen. I will allow them space in my brain today.

Tomorrow they are getting evicted.