In my house, we talk a lot about superheros. We talk about how they always do the right thing. We talk about how they defend people, how they are helpful, how they are brave. We talk about the qualities we like in superheros, and how we can be like them. We have the ability to love, and be kind and helpful. We talk about taking good risks and being brave and trying new things. We talk about cooperation and working with people and helping to motivate and support our friends. I love our conversations.

Where I get stuck is translating the words to actions. We all know that loving ourselves is important. We all know that we should take care of our own well being first, before helping others. But how do we actually put that into practice? I want to know know more than just catch phrases for well being. I want an action plan. I am still figuring out how not to worry about pleasing people, how can I be the superhero role model that my daughter needs?

I have recently become aware that this is a time sensitive issue. My daughter has started being excluded by some kids at school. This is not to say that she is unliked, because she has many friends, and many people want to spend time with her, but often the feeling of rejection can outweigh the feeling of acceptance, especially when it is a new feeling. What actions should I take to make her realize that these few people are, in fact, a few? How do I show her that they are not worth worrying over, that there is no obligation for anyone to like anyone else and that she can focus her energies on building relationships that will have more meaning and value in her life?

It is my job to find a way to develop her natural propensity to be awesome without tainting her experiences with my bitter and fearful outlook. I was bullied a lot as a kid. It clearly has stuck with me. I am angry. I want to shout at these kids. I want to put them down. I want to laugh as they fail at something. I hate that this is my first reaction to the situation. I don’t want my daughter to feel like this. Not ever. And I certainly don’t want her to lose her empathy.

BUT, I also don’t want her to wear herself out trying to fix something that isn’t broken. These kids might not be excluding my daughter exclusively. Perhaps they are really close to each other and just don’t know how to make time for anyone else just now. They could also be trying out their power and seeing what they can influence and what reactions they can provoke. This is all pretty standard behaviour when you are 5.

The other thing I don’t want to do is create a barrier around my kid that is so impenetrable that the next time she gets her feelings hurt (and it will happen again),  she doesn’t know how to cope with it.

You know what she said to me?

She said, “I want to try [to be friendly] again, so they can get better [at being friendly].”

Let that sink in.

I want to try again so THEY can improve.

Wow.

My daughter. Strong. Resilient. Kind. Helpful. Brave. All in one sentence.

Turns out, I am raising a superhero already. All I have to do is not screw it up.

I haven’t written here in ages. I was in a slump. And tonight I was in a full on GRUMP. And then it hit me, I haven’t been grumpy in months. Sad and anxious have been the norm. Neutral has been about the best I could muster. So I finally went to see the Dr. about it. Enough is enough, right? Why should I still feel like this when I have been doing the work and going through the slog? I have done the exercise and practiced self care and changed the way I speak to myself. Why do I still cry all. the. damn. time? So I made the appointment. And I was so hopeful.

And the good doctor said she didn’t want to give me hormones. Or mood stabilizers. She wanted me to take magnesium and something called Monk’s Pepper, a natural supplement.

Friends, you know what happened next. I cried, again, right there in the office, because this sucks and why won’t she help me? But she asked me to try it. For 3 months. Try it. Then after 3 months we will evaluate the situation together. And that I wasn’t alone. She said that to me. That I wasn’t alone. That I didn’t have to feel alone. And you know what, it actually meant more to me that if she had given me real pills. Just that someone was listening.

Not to say that I don’t have a network of friends and family that I could call on at any time, because I do. But this lady owes me nothing. This is her job. And she cared enough to empathize with me. And because, after a year and a half of ups and downs, I am tired of putting this on my friends. Plus, I have wrecked a few of those relationships and, while I can’t apologize for my mental health, I need to try and rebuild. I miss my people. I miss feeling good.

I did not feel good tonight. I was annoyed and pissed off and grumpy. For the first time in AGES, I felt irritated. And it was a good feeling. I will take irritated over sad and anxious any day. You can only be irritated when you are engaged in something. And I felt engaged with my whiny 5 year old. And I don’t think I have ever been glad that she was frustrating before.

I wonder what the next step will be? I don’t want to jinx this, but I am hoping I have turned a corner.

I feel like I might be starting to wake up. Be gentle. Give me a smile. Give me a hug. Or, best of all, give me a coffee.

If you stop practicing, you will stop doing. I learned this the hard way. I stopped doing self care after my month of blogging in February. I felt I needed a break from constantly having to think of ways to be kind to myself. It was very time consuming. It was a grind.

Isn’t this the saddest thing you have ever heard? Taking care of yourself is a chore? What kind of life is this?  I have noticed that my stress levels are way up. My skin is bad. My sleep is off. My body is out of whack. I procrastinate like a MoFo.

I don’t think I will blog about daily self care again, but I will start practicing it again. I will find time for those little moments that are just for me, that put me first, that bring me joy.

I have a work review this week. I have to come up with goals for next year. I will get feedback on my performance.  I need to work on improving myself professionally. I think I will conscript this for my personal life. I will set goals. I will provide methodology to get there and ways to measure the development. It will be interesting to see if self-care can be measured and how/if it correlates with corresponding emotional stability. I’ll keep ya’ll posted.

I thought that after a month of practicing self care everyday that I would know how to do it better. I thought I wouldn’t get trapped in a rut, because the purpose of self care is to A. Do something good just for yourself and B. look for the little things that make you smile.

Turns out that my self care this month has mainly been a combination bubble baths, nail polish and hot drinks. Not much else happened. At least, that is how I see it.

Do I feel better about myself? Yes, I think I do. I feel more confident at work. I feel braver being honest with my friends. I feel stronger in my own convictions. I am not sure if bathing and tea and pretty finger nails helped with that but perhaps it’s the idea that I needed to focus on myself. The busy days, when I didn’t make the time for me, I blogged about it. I know that it didn’t happen. I think awareness of this is important. I think the awareness is the point; the idea that I should spend a portion of each day worrying only about me. I am important and I am the only one going to get me through this life.

Should I continue self care? I think I should. I won’t blog about it every day, because it is something personal. And perhaps it’s a bit boring to read about me getting a cup of coffee. Though, for the record, if you are in Zurich, check out ViCafe. The coffee is amazing.

I hope you have enjoyed reading about this. I have enjoyed the writing.

Till next time…

Today was a rush, rush, rush day. I have taken an hour to watch an episode of The Good Wife on Netflix.  I really needed to be doing other things. I will be in bed later tonight than intended, but I made a space for my chill out time. That is what my self care looked like today.

Saturday was a freaking great day. I had a great bootcamp. I got some sound tax advice. I bought myself a new nail polish. And I had a really great cup of coffee. It was lovely.  Nothing major, just enjoying the small moments in my day.

Today I have drunk my way through half a box of very nice tea bags. It’s a sample of 11 different herbal teas and I love all of them. Today I thought it would be a self care act to hydrate myself in the most delicious was possible.

Off to boil the kettle one last time…

Today was busy. And I did a lot of nice things, but most of them were for other people. I didn’t even take time to get myself a coffee this morning. So, I stayed up drinking wine with the husband, laughing at stupid You Tube videos and painting my nails (which stinks, literally, according to the man). I hope this is self care, because I am going to bed now, and I feel pretty damn good about my night. Not a bath in sight.

Have a good evening, ya’ll.

Yesterday I was tired. Tired to down to my core. So I took a bath and relaxed in the hot water with my book. If you look back over this month of self care, you will see that I did this a lot. Partly because I like it. Partly because sometimes I don’t know what else to do to care for myself. But mostly because I like it.

Today was the first, real beautiful day this year. Today makes me think that spring is getting closer. So I stood in the wind and sunshine for a moment and let it seep in, swoosh by and generally just lighten my soul. And as I was being seeped and swooshed and lightened I thought to myself, why not go for a run tonight. And I just might.

See you tomorrow, folks.

Today my self care took the form of hot chocolate with ‘American’ marshmallows and nail painting. I am not sure if the marshmallows are really American or if they are just made in an American style, but they do the job when it comes to hot chocolate. And my nails are pretty. I even attempted to paint a flower on my ring fingers. They look a bit stupid, but I am proud of myself for trying it out. I bet the kids in kindergarden tomorrow will be so impressed.

If you read yesterday’s post, my self care totally worked. Early to bed, up not quite as early for a Tuesday and taking care of me as totally gotten rid of whatever icky feelings I was having yesterday.

Have a good day, everyone.

Well friends, as you may, or may not know, I don’t deal well with being sick. When I get sick it’s usually all encompassing pain followed by pink eye or scarlet fever (I kid you not. I got this a few years ago. I thought I was dying. It was horrible.) or some other such grossness.

Not today, Sir. Not today! Nope. I am going out strong. I am not getting sick. Pass me the garlic. Pass me the ginger lemon tea. Get me to bed. This is going to pass me by because I effing say it will.

Today, my self care looks like a firm NO to the bad dog named sickness. How’s your day going?