It's been a long time since I have posted to an ED community. Since I was about 16 actually.

I am now 21 years of age and as you can imagine, my ED hasn't left me, it never leaves.

I had anorexia, then it developed into bulimia when I was forced to eat, then it developed into binge eating when I was forced to recover from bulimia and it yo yo'ed back and forth and back and forth and here I am, a compulsive over eater.

I feel fatter than ever, and I finally relapsed. I never really truly recovered, I just ate and ate and ate and ate to shut it up, it worked for a year and a half and then it all came crashing down.

I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my life and I can't believe what I have done to myself.

My lowest weight was 98lbs/ 7 stone and I am 5 ft 3.   Now, I weigh a disgusting abominable weight...I'm scared to say, but I will, because I deserve to be ashamed about it.

I weigh 149lbs/ 10 stone 9lbs.  The only reason I weigh that, is because 2 weeks ago I started cutting down my calories to less than 500 a day and exercising on my bike every night for as long as I could, 2 weeks ago I weighed a whopping 161lbs/ 11 stone 7lbs.

Oh guys, I hate myself more than ever, and I'm completely alone in it all, my boyfriend doesn't understand and I don't really have any friends to understand. I dunno who to talk too or even what to talk about.

I'm scared that no-one will understand, or that people will make fun of me for what I am doing, I'm losing my mind a little.

So I posted here, because I feel that I might be accepted here :(

Edit: I should also say that I used to be in this community when I was 16 years of age, but I don't think anyone I used to know would even remember me or be here at this point...

We "brokeup" last night, And i thought he'd call me to makeup, But he didnt.
All he did was send me a comment on myspace which said

I know you may not ever reply, or even see this. All i want you to know is that i don't hate you, And im going to take what youve showed me and learn from it. I hope in the future we can have some sort of a friendship. I dont really have much to say except i respect you, and i love you. This has been fun, Bye.

Thats not normally like him at all.
Usually he will fight like hell for me,
And tell me over and over how he's not going to leave me.

Im so alone and scared. Hes one of the best things to happen to me, And i screwed it up.
I really am considering counseling? I think i have a problem.

Not to mention on the way home from school, Some sophmore decided to come sit by me with his video recorder rolling and ask me if i liked girls?

"Your facebook said you did"
I dont even have a facebook?

And now this video clip of me is going to be all over the internet.
He purposely set me up to look like an idiot.

I dont even feel like living anymore.
Im not suicidal by any means, But i just mean i want to crawl under a rock and stay there.
No one cares anymore, And this time, Its my fault...